How are you feeling?

[this_portrait]

Pathetic. Alone. Crying. Why did my life have to turn out like this? Why? What is it about me that just repels everyone away? Is it because of how I was raised? Are people just that cruel? I feel like I'm being punished. I keep waiting for something good to happen, and that moment never comes. I try to MAKE something good happen, and I always seem to fail, because people just seem repelled by me. I've had people say, "Maybe you'll meet someone when you're older," but I don't ****ing want to wait until I'm OLD and WASHED UP and DECREPIT. I don't want THAT to be the time when good things finally start happening to me.

I feel so hopeless right now. I don't want to be here. I wish it would all end.

 

[Graeme1988]

Struggling, aching, lonely, sad, disappointed, despairing.

The usual cheery stuff.

Pathetic. Alone. Crying. Why did my life have to turn out like this? Why? What is it about me that just repels everyone away? Is it because of how I was raised? Are people just that cruel? I feel like I'm being punished. I keep waiting for something good to happen, and that moment never comes. I try to MAKE something good happen, and I always seem to fail, because people just seem repelled by me. I've had people say, "Maybe you'll meet someone when you're older," but I don't ****ing want to wait until I'm OLD and WASHED UP and DECREPIT. I don't want THAT to be the time when good things finally start happening to me.

I feel so hopeless right now. I don't want to be here. I wish it would all end.

Aye, ah cun certainly relate tae how both of ye feel. :sad:

 

[Kenny1973]

Felt better yesterday than of late, today feel very tired, lack of sleep, this has been a long term problem, don't know what i can do to get even a half decent sleep.

 

[kihira]

Overall, taking into account all aspects of life, possibly the worst I've ever felt.

 

[theslowesthand]

Just another of my as-per-usual complete utter crap of a day .. same-old same-old bullshit, mind-numbing tedium, 100% social isolation .. with just my problems for company. Most of my emotional needs thrown in the garbage bin. No hope ever of escaping my self-imposed prison cell of torturous solitary confinement.
Hell is for children ...... and some adults like me.
But hey, it could be worse, so shouldnt really complain...

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Just another of my as-per-usual complete utter crap of a day .. same-old same-old bullshit, mind-numbing tedium, 100% social isolation .. with just my problems for company. Most of my emotional needs thrown in the garbage bin. No hope ever of escaping my self-imposed prison cell of torturous solitary confinement.
Hell is for children ...... and some adults like me.
But hey, it could be worse, so shouldnt really complain...

I concur.

Most of my days consist of bouncing between a handful of websites until I either get hungry and make something to eat, or get sleepy and go back to bed.

One day becomes the next, becomes the next, becomes the next...

Sometimes I think depression is actually a defense mechanism to keep me from realizing just how awful my life is. Like as long as I'm in a low-level of despair I'll never feel the true pain of enduring a life with virtually no friendship or love. I just cruise along at low altitude, gradually losing pressure, going through the motions on auto pilot, slowly drifting more and more off course until I eventually crash into whatever mountain my brain has mercifully decided not to tell me is there.

 

[S_Spartan]

Felt better yesterday than of late, today feel very tired, lack of sleep, this has been a long term problem, don't know what i can do to get even a half decent sleep.

Me neither. I've given up on good sleep. I think as some people age they can't sleep as well.

 

[Kenny1973]

Me neither. I've given up on good sleep. I think as some people age they can't sleep as well.

Yeah, i really can't remember the last time i had a proper good nights sleep.

 

[Kenny1973]

Lonely, sad... like I need to something about this but I just watch the time...

Sorry that you feel like that, i hope things get better for you soon.

 

[theslowesthand]

A bit tipsy..but thats ok

That's CERTAINLY OK .. especially for people like us!!! :thumbup:

 

[this_portrait]

Eyes are puffy from crying into the early morning hours. I want to go back to sleep just so I don't have to deal with how I feel. Maybe when I wake up, I'll receive some good news.

 

[Razzlecherry]

Pathetic. Alone. Crying. Why did my life have to turn out like this? Why? What is it about me that just repels everyone away? Is it because of how I was raised? Are people just that cruel? I feel like I'm being punished. I keep waiting for something good to happen, and that moment never comes. I try to MAKE something good happen, and I always seem to fail, because people just seem repelled by me. I've had people say, "Maybe you'll meet someone when you're older," but I don't ****ing want to wait until I'm OLD and WASHED UP and DECREPIT. I don't want THAT to be the time when good things finally start happening to me.

I feel so hopeless right now. I don't want to be here. I wish it would all end.

That's how I sort of feel now. I'm only 22, but it feels like my entire middle school / high school life was wasted time. As much as I hated HS, I kinda wish that I could go back and just experience more. People like us didn't have a chance though. What could we have done differently?

 

[theslowesthand]

Sometimes I think depression is actually a defense mechanism to keep me from realizing just how awful my life is. Like as long as I'm in a low-level of despair I'll never feel the true pain of enduring a life with virtually no friendship or love. I just cruise along at low altitude, gradually losing pressure, going through the motions on auto pilot, slowly drifting more and more off course until I eventually crash into whatever mountain my brain has mercifully decided not to tell me is there

I'm starting to get some good theories about depression. I agree that it seems to involve the stuff you mentioned, plus more. And also, a major point about it is (i think) is that it's "anger turned inwards". I mean, the other day when i'd had a gutsful of "life" (was getting quite angry/enraged about everything), i was having some pretty strong urges for self-harm ... but also at the same time i had feelings of an impending depression (ie the urges for self-harm or lashing-out at sth = anger/rage, and the dpression = that anger/rage turned upon oneself, the latter which i presume is due to not having adequate external aggression outlets, so the outlet becomes oneself, internally).

And as far as being on a crash-course to destruction, or a "crash", thats also true. Quite often it seems like "something" is constantly applying "downwards pressure" which results in a gradual downwards spiral, which usually seems entirely impossible to resist against ... until finally rock-bottom is reached (depressive episode).

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I'm starting to get some good theories about depression. I agree that it seems to involve the stuff you mentioned, plus more. And also, a major point about it is (i think) is that it's "anger turned inwards". I mean, the other day when i'd had a gutsful of "life" (was getting quite angry/enraged about everything), i was having some pretty strong urges for self-harm ... but also at the same time i had feelings of an impending depression (ie the urges for self-harm or lashing-out at sth = anger/rage, and the dpression = that anger/rage turned upon oneself, the latter which i presume is due to not having adequate external aggression outlets, so the outlet becomes oneself, internally).

And as far as being on a crash-course to destruction, or a "crash", thats also true. Quite often it seems like "something" is constantly applying "downwards pressure" which results in a gradual downwards spiral, which usually seems entirely impossible to resist against ... until finally rock-bottom is reached (depressive episode).

I couldn't agree more with your thoughts on rage. It's palpable with me, after getting really angry, how I just implode and begin to tear myself down. Then the guilt comes in, and before I know it, I'm absolutely awash in self-loathing and hopelessness. I'll be stuck there for days, and the older I get the more the features become physical (headaches, weakness, basically flu-like symptoms).

I've never struggled with self harm, but I think my atrocious eating habits, or "comfort eating" may moonlight as a slower method of self-harm. I've got a self-preserving streak a mile wide, so I can't do anything that endangers me immediately (drugs, alcohol, risky behavior, etc...) so I get it out by packing on the pounds and courting a heart attack's early grave.

 

[theslowesthand]

Tonight's playlist (in order) - pat benatar, the cure, the smashing pumpkins, david bowie
:thumbup:

 

[theslowesthand]

I've never struggled with self harm, but I think my atrocious eating habits, or "comfort eating" may moonlight as a slower method of self-harm. I've got a self-preserving streak a mile wide, so I can't do anything that endangers me immediately (drugs, alcohol, risky behavior, etc...) so I get it out by packing on the pounds and courting a heart attack's early grave

Yes, its passive-aggressiveness coupled with high general anxiety levels.

 

[ComplicatedGirl]

i feel energetic :bigsmile:

 

[defiance]

:kickingmyself::kickingmyself:woke up to my same old miserable self. Then I had more suicidal thoughts run through my mind. Actually started thinking how I would do it. I don't want any part of this world or what it has to offer anymore. I just want out and sooner rather than later. But i'll put on my fake smile and act as if everything is fine while I die more and more on the inside. YAY ME

 

[Razzlecherry]

:kickingmyself::kickingmyself:woke up to my same old miserable self. Then I had more suicidal thoughts run through my mind. Actually started thinking how I would do it. I don't want any part of this world or what it has to offer anymore. I just want out and sooner rather than later. But i'll put on my fake smile and act as if everything is fine while I die more and more on the inside. YAY ME

There's gotta be something that you look forward to. Even if it's the stupidest, most juvenile thing. From your posts, it seems obvious that you live with your family still. You need to get out of there asap. Get a job, save some money. All jobs are shitty btw and they'll pay trash, but you need to. Once you have your own space that you have control of then life just gets so much more enjoyable. Especially for us socially inept.

 

[defiance]

There's gotta be something that you look forward to. Even if it's the stupidest, most juvenile thing. From your posts, it seems obvious that you live with your family still. You need to get out of there asap. Get a job, save some money. All jobs are shitty btw and they'll pay trash, but you need to. Once you have your own space that you have control of then life just gets so much more enjoyable. Especially for us socially inept.

I've tried and tried and tried. It doesn't get better. I had a job and was out there trying to do what someone my age should but it never got easier and just got worse. I just don't see any point to life. Some of us just genuinely don't want to be here anymore. I do appreciate the advice thought. :crying: