Here's a Weird One: I Have a Fear of Being Bullied or Beaten Up

[HopelessMess]

Okay here's something I've never admitted to anyone... I have all the "typical" symptoms of Social Phobia, but I also have an intense fear of being bullied, harassed, or beaten up. And I'm not a school kid, I'm well past even my college years, so the fear is really a bit irrational. I was bullied alot through school from age 12 just as my SP was developing, so I'm pretty sure that's where all this comes from. Actually, maybe I was bullied BECAUSE my SP was developing? I dunno.

No one knows about this fear, not even my wife who I tell EVERYTHING to, including all of the other "aspects" of my social phobia. I feel like if I revealed this to anyone, I would undoubtedly be told some macho BS like "Don't be such a wimp", "Grow a pair", "P****", "Man up", etc., etc. Sad thing is, these are exactly the kind of thoughts that go through my own head when I feel this fear. Without revealing too much, I grew up in an area of the US with a VERY macho culture, so that's probably where I picked this stupid attitude up. Whatever the cause, I'm completely ashamed and sickened at my own overactive fight/flight response and subsequent fear.

The worst thing is- I think this fear of bullies causes me to behave like a "victim" in certain situations. For example:

• I constantly scan my surroundings for "dangerous" looking guys.
• I'm always evaluating other men around me as to whether I could "beat" them in a fight(usually deciding that I couldn't).
• I am completely uncomfortable with people sitting behind me, because of some irrational fear that they'll take that advantage to "do something" to me- hit me, throw something at me, tease me, ...I don't know. As you might think, going to the movies is a nightmare for me unless I'm bombed out of my head on Klonopin and then I can't remember the movie after I've seen it. LOL
• When I see a group of guys(as in anything more than 1 guy alone) headed toward me on a sidewalk, I immediately start trying to "prepare" myself and decide what I'll do if they "mess" with me. Are there too many/too big to fight, should I run etc. If it's a bunch of teenagers or thuggish-looking guys, the adrenaline really starts to pump.
  
  When I'm with my wife, this fear and all the others become even worse because then there is really only one answer- I'll have to fight to protect her, and/or I'll have to "be tough" so as not to seem like a wuss in front of her. The closest I ever came to telling my wife about this was one time when I said "Going out with you usually makes my social phobia quite a bit worse". She asked "Why?" and I said "Because I have to protect and watch out for us both, so its added anxiety". She didn't understand and said that I had hurt her feelings. So of course I left it alone, because I certainly wasn't going to give her the full unvarnished truth about what a coward I really am. ::

The flip side of this weird fear of bullies is that I get overly aggressive in some situations where it's really not called for:

• If someone is rude with my wife in front of me, I lose it. Once when walking through a hardware store, my wife a bit ahead of me, she asked some guy working there a question. He was standing with another customer, but didn't seem to really be doing anything other than standing.
  
  He very brusquely and rudely said to my wife "Not now, I'm busy".
  
  I was behind her looking at something, so I didn't hear any of this but as we walked on she told me. I immediately spun around and headed straight for the guy and asked him the same question my wife just had(knowing I'd likely get the same answer, which I did)
  
  "Not now, I'm busy" he said.
  
  "Dude, how long does it take to answer a simple question?", I asked.
  
  "Not now", he said just as rude as before, "I'm busy with someone else. You can wait your turn."
  
  "Dude you're a f***ing a**h*le!" I said to him. The old lady customer he was supposedly "helping" by standing there gasped.
  
  "You can't just come in here and call me that", he said.
  
  "Well, I just did. You're a f***ing a**h*le"
  
  He started into something about how if I didn't like the service I could not shop there, etc. I just replied louder "Yeah BLAH BLAH BLAH! Whatever, a**h*le!" and turned to walk away.
  
  At this point, he actually called his manager over on ME! lol The manager was some older lady, and I repeated to her what had happened, but by this point, I was so enraged, crazed, and in "fight" mode, that I don't think she took anything I said too seriously. Nevertheless, when I asked something like "What kind of customer service is that?" She said something like "Yes, we've had a problem with that"(or maybe she said with him).
  
  ANYWAY, my point is that I should've just calmly walked over to the manager in the first place and complained, but my "bully fear" made me behave even more socially inappropriately than the rude clerk. I came off to the manager like a ranting lunatic.

_________________EDIT: THE REST(Added Aug 20)___________________

Hi everyone, thanks for reading my ridiculously long half-post. Here's the rest if anyone has the time and patience.

BTW: For those who posted that I had courage, or was manly, or anything like that in the above incident - Unfortunately that is in no way true because:

1. Right now I'm living in one of the Scandinavian countries in Europe, where street fights among sober people rarely ever happen. Get these bastards drunk and they're a terror though. I'm not sure where the Irish got the reputation as drunks, but they should start a campaign to shift that rep over to Scandinavia. People here go from shy and reserved to loud obnoxious retards after only a few beers.
2. Whenever I go out ANYWHERE, I'm always at least a little doped up on Klonopin, so my nerves are quite a bit more relaxed than they would be ordinarily be. Even so, I'm still scared out of my wits in these confrontations. Without the Klonopin, who knows... I might just slink away and hate myself for not defending my wife.
3. Yes I love lists . I think they make reading through these posts so much easier.

Okay, so back to my "overly aggressive" inappropriate behavior caused by my fear of bullying:

• If some guy spouts off to me on the street(and I understand it), I have to answer back with some equal insult. This has never happened when it's one guy alone, only when he has his "backup" of 1 to 3 friends. So by not just ignoring it, I'm putting myself in some serious danger.
• When I'm walking and I spot some guy coming toward me, looking me in the eyes, I usually force myself to just keep staring right back, even though every SP synapse in my brain is SCREAMING "Avert your eyes!". I have to wait until they avert their eyes first. Same thing with guys on trains, buses, or boats.
  
  The worst and most dangerous one is that I also do this in bars, and usually the "drunk staring guys" are the ones just looking for someone to fight, maybe even eyeing you up for a fight already. Returning their stare is probably a REALLY bad idea.
  
• If a guy by his own fault bumps into me and doesn't say "excuse me"(they NEVER say excuse me in Scandinavia btw, it's like 1 in 20), I have to make some remark like "I'm walking here.", "I'm standing here", or "Excuse you". I've been told by locals that I should REALLY just let this go unless it's a really hard bump, as that's just not what people do here. Actually, people just don't do "politeness" here in general...
• If someone flirts with my wife in front of me/openly hits on her, again I lose it. And my wife does not flirt back or encourage them in any way, so maybe it would be better if I let her handle rejecting them instead of stepping in. It just makes my blood boil for a guy to disrespect me like that though and hit on my wife right in front of me.
  
  We were at a pub one night having after-dinner drinks with another couple. The other couple had to leave, leaving my wife and I alone at a big round table with two empty seats. Two very drunk Scandinavian guys in their mid twenties come stumbling out of the bar and promptly plop themselves down at the empty seats at our table. (I don't speak the language, so my wife translated this for me later)
  My wife says "Would you mind sitting somewhere else? We'd like to be alone. Besides there are plenty of empty tables". She points to several tables around that are completely empty.
  
  "No", the less drunk guy sitting closest to my wife says with a big flirty smile, "We want to sit with YOU."
  
  At this point I can tell just from the "flirty guy's" smile and my wife's look of dismay what is going on. So I stand up and walk as close to him as I can get(the table is still between us). I say very forcefully "Do you speak English?"
  
  "Flirty guy" shakes his head and says "No".
  
  I know he's likely just f***ing with me, because everyone here who is around that age speaks at least some English. But okay, whatever, I decide to play his game. I lean right over him, point at my chest, and angrily yell "MY!", then I point to my wife and yell "Wife!", like a caveman with rudimentary language skills.
  
  "Flirty guy" apparently did understand either the words or that I was working myself into an absolute fury at his behavior, so he hopped right up from his chair... and moved to another table. His friend stayed seated however, but in all honesty I think his friend was just too drunk to even understand what was happening and wasn't even talking, just smiling this stupid drunk grin. "Flirty guy" kept calling his friend to come and join him at the other table.
  
  At this point, we had finished our beers, so my wife got up and said "Let's just go". So we left.
  
  Actually, I'm not even sure that this one belongs in the list, since I don't even know how else I could've handled it? Maybe sent my wife to fetch one of the bouncer/security guys?(I certainly wouldn't leave her alone with those guys while I did it)

I'm thinking that maybe my fear and subsequent "inappropriate aggressiveness" could both be helped by some fierce working out and some Martial Arts training like Thai Kickboxing(which as a Martial Arts fan, I believe to be the most effective form in a street fight). I just keep remembering that line in "Fight Club" when Edward Norton says "Once you start fighting, the 'volume' on everything else gets turned way down", meaning that knowing you can handle yourself makes you much less anxious about everything else in life. Also, the comedian Joe Rogan, who is a practicing Brazilian Jui Jitsu artist, once said "Fighting is man's most basic primal fear, the seed from which all other anxieties grow. Once you face that and learn to fight and not fear it so much, you don't worry about confrontations or get as anxious. You feel like you can handle it.". To be honest, I've never found Rogan very funny, but he is one damned insightful guy.

My SP and Avoidance has kept me from actually signing up and going to a gym though.


I deeply appreciate ANYONE who had the patience to read through all of this. I've kept this bottled up a long time without telling anyone and it's just sort of all spilling out at once.

Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, or just to know that someone else can relate to what I've written so far, so feel free to respond with anything. Well anything except "Yes you're being a wuss", because I already know that. ::

 

[coyote]

Great post! I can relate.

I've gone through the same thing.

I was also bullied/teased/picked on in school.

When I went into the Marines, that pretty much stopped, but i have always been sensitive to it, and always anxious that I'm going to have to "prove myself."

Of course, I never have had to.

I know most grown ups don't behave like a bunch of school yard punks - but the feeling is hard to shake.

 

[lunaticbinge]

I got chased down and beat by a group of bloods when i lived in a rather seedy area with my father. The next day it almost happened again! We were recognized by some guys who apparently knew the guys from the night before but luckily I was with my buddy who happened to have a big hunting knife with him and he scared them off. For awhile after that any time I walked by someone i thought looked thuggish I would tense up and get ready for something. The feelings have subsided for the most part now but they sometimes still bother me.

They weren't like feelings of fear, just being on guard when it was irrational. I might be a pussy in social situations but i don't hesitate, or fear, defending myself from physical harm. Not everyone is a fighter though, and not everyone needs to be. I would say just accept yourself for who you are and realize that most guys aren't scanning a room looking for someone to beat on.

 

[Waybuloo]

I've never been bullied per se but there are instances of intimidation, which I think most people have gone through, i.e. random teenagers making trouble on the bus or train, someone at school doesn't like the look of you and says something about your features. I know for sure I was insecure and intimidated before school. I also feel paranoid when I am out. If someone is dressed in a wayward fashion, especially women, I feel intense dislike and treat them as though they are criminals. I might cross the road to avoid them depending on the severity of the waywardness. I feel they would beat me up or swear at me or snigger because I am not a slag like them. I saw a crazy girl on the bus go off at a group of teenage mums and I felt good about that, even though she was mostly in the wrong. I wish more people would tell these people off.

 

[Luke1993]

That's not a weird fear at all! I have the same thing! Although it's cool that you can stand up for your wife and stuff. I don't think I'd be man enough to do anything like that!

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

When I see a group of guys(as in anything more than 1 guy alone) headed toward me on a sidewalk, I immediately start trying to "prepare" myself and decide what I'll do if they "mess" with me. Are there too many/too big to fight, should I run etc. If it's a bunch of teenagers or thuggish-looking guys, the adrenaline really starts to pump.

I don't think this is so unusual. Groups of young males probably do pose the greatest threat to someone on their own, and probably more so to lone males than lone females. I tend to "prepare" if I come across this situation, even though I've never actually encountered any problems. There's always a first time.

 

[sleeper]

I was picked on some in my younger years, but almost never physically threatened. Yet I have this irrational fear that people around me are looking to start a fight, and I think it stems from my social paranoia. I usually get like this when I am in a state of high anxiety.

Brian

 

[coyote]

Most of the time, I don't feel this at all - as long as it's in normal, mixed company - you know, men, women, kids, etc...?

But if I enter a all-male, high-testosterone zone - like the locker room at the YMCA, an auto-parts store, redneck or biker bar, etc. - then I get that tickle on my neck hairs and start tensing up, ready for the chest thumping to begin.

I much prefer the company of women.

 

[DarkPhoenix]

I can relate to this, i was bullied when i was at school. Just when i thought those days were over i was 'psychologically bullied' a few years ago in a workplace environment (taunted, belittled in front of others etc) so yeah, these days i'm very cynical about every guy i come across, especially when they're in groups. I get quite passive agressive if someone crosses me because i swore to myself that i would never put up with being treated in that way again. I also have a partner so i can relate to the protection aspect of your post. Thanks for sharing and welcome to the forums

 

[panicsurvivor]

I trained in martial arts, for years.
I am sure that its sucks being afraid of this all the time, but alot of your behavior is actually something that I was taught and had to practice. It is called awareness training.
It is a good thing (not the fear). If you live hear in the states and in a more violent area of it, I garuntee that this behavior has helped you many times that you don't even know about.
I am sure that anxiety sucks, but it is a dangerous world with alot of *******s in it. Don't be so hard on yourself for wanting to be prepare.

 

[Honda]

I was bullied and beaten up real bad in school and yes i feel threatened by the same things you are talking about... I have to say all people feel afraid in these situations its us who are disturbed from such experiences that we amplify the fear and make u lose our cool in such situations... Dont lie to yourself and accept the reality that u have this problem and not everybody is the same... Plus the more you think the more you get hesitant and scared, try to live more by the heart..
They way our society is going is all wrong.. People tend to reject negative traits such as fear, hesitation, etc but these are natural yet come in different degrees within different people... People that bully find an open door and tend to bully weaker people to know they generated an atmosphere or fear and respect so they can rest at ease..

 

[UnOccupied]

" "Dude you're a f***ing a**h*le!" I said to him. The old lady customer he was supposedly "helping" by standing there gasped. "


DUDE, i admire your tenacity. I'm like the opposite, i keep all that stuff in until it rots my brain. It sounds like you have a lot of confidence in your ability to handle yourself, even though you have that fear of bullies. I mean, everyone has their little fears, yours is more intense than most peoples im sure, but it can be handled, with work. I'd recommend some simple CBT. But anyway, good for you for having a wife, and sticking up for her like that. Who cares if it may have been a little too much, and a little bit unsocially unacceptable. At least you were true to yourself, and let your animal instincts run wild, like they should(up to a certain point, and no fists were thrown, which would indeed be TOO much). I salute you, and would love to hear more stories of your courage with your wife, and how you stand up for yourself.

Question...what are your thoughts just prior to snapping on someone like the guy in the hardware store? Like, are they i must do this to keep my ego, or like i must do this to protect my wife? Im truly interested.

 

[Inspiration]

Getting bullied since Kindergarten make me paranoid around people that look intimidating. When i sat alone in cafe or restaurant i always sit in a table i can get a view of my surrounding. When i take a public bus... i tend to sit at the end. i don't like to have someone sitting behind me. If some dude talk to my wife like that... i'll probably lose my temper too. Does all the people get bullied have this kind of feeling? Paranoid?

 

[AnxietyDave]

I personally think that most peoples contact with bullying in schools has a lot to do with their lack of self confidence and the degree which they suffer anxiety later on in life.

Some people find it easier than others to simply leave it all behind and move on, but the long term effects of bullying for others can be very serious and affect the rest of an individuals life if they do not know how to deal with it.

I personally was bullied and ridiculed a lot at school until I adopted a bad ass goth/punk image and managed to stand up for myself a few times, after this it all seemed to stop, but the effects of the changes I needed to make to survive were felt by me in my life for many years to come.

If I had learned at that early stage better coping mechanisms which I now have learned, I would have saved myself a lot of depression, anxiety and despair in my life.

 

[AGR]

I also fear geting in a psicological fight or to be harassed,I got into a lot of fights before because of this,because I couldnt let any remark or action go unresponded it was like I was cornered,but I realised I cant do anything,I am not good at psicological warfare and people think I am a pussy or cant defend myself because of this,what can I do,I hate fighting,I dont want to lose my job or to be arrested,some people need me,so I just try to let it pass,I also get prepared for confrontations,my fear and anxiety levels go way up when I meet some kind of people,funny doesnt happen with japanese people,only when I am around western people.

 

[HopelessMess]

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for reading through that long and likely very boring post. This board is much more supportive than any I've visited before.

I've now added a ton of new stuff to the original post to complete my "full confession" so I'd also appreciate it if anyone has any thoughts on what I've added. If not, that's okay. I'm surprised anyone was even nice enough to read through the first half of that book.

I was also bullied/teased/picked on in school.

When I went into the Marines, that pretty much stopped, but i have always been sensitive to it, and always anxious that I'm going to have to "prove myself."

Of course, I never have had to.

Coyote, what do you think changed about you in the marines? Did you come out fitter? More confident? Less afraid of fights?

I might be a pussy in social situations but i don't hesitate, or fear, defending myself from physical harm. Not everyone is a fighter though, and not everyone needs to be.

No, don't get me wrong. I'd like to think that if someone just started hitting me that I would at least fight back. My fear is mostly based on the irrational belief that almost everyone is looking for a fight and the fear of the confrontation leading up to it. IE- should I back down? Should I throw a punch?
It really goes back to the whole SP thing of the fear of being embarrassed or humiliated in public or by someone else.

I saw a crazy girl on the bus go off at a group of teenage mums and I felt good about that, even though she was mostly in the wrong. I wish more people would tell these people off.

There's a great clip of something like this on the internet. A drunk guy at some Nascar event starts picking on some skinny guy in the crowd at the bottom of the bleachers for no reason; threatening him, calling him names, etc. The guy he's picking on is obviously very scared.

Suddenly some big tough guy from several rows up yells down "Hey a**h*le, if you wanna fight somebody, you can fight me!"

The drunk guy(of course) yells back something like "Well bring it on then! Come on down here and I'll kick your a**!"

The big tough guy walks down the stairs and proceeds to just beat the living crap out of the drunk guy. I think it only took him like 3 punches. Violence is never "fun" to watch, but that was awesome! I think every guy here probably wishes he could be THAT guy. The confident "alpha male" type who can not only take care of himself, but is kind enough to protect the weak. I certainly wish I was that guy.

BTW: I'd be happy to find/post the link if anyone wants to see the vid and if it's allowed by the board rules.

Although it's cool that you can stand up for your wife and stuff. I don't think I'd be man enough to do anything like that!

Trust me man. There was nothing "manly" about it. Even though I was dosed on Klonopin, I was scared sh**less and in complete fight/flight mode. My voice was probably high and cracking, and I kept balling up my fists because I expected him to throw a punch at any minute. In fact, if we're going by those typical "macho sterotypes", the clerk was probably more of a man than me because he stayed calm and rational.

DUDE, i admire your tenacity. I'm like the opposite, i keep all that stuff in until it rots my brain. It sounds like you have a lot of confidence in your ability to handle yourself, even though you have that fear of bullies.
[SNIP]
Question...what are your thoughts just prior to snapping on someone like the guy in the hardware store? Like, are they i must do this to keep my ego, or like i must do this to protect my wife? Im truly interested.

Just read my post to Luke1993 above. Unfortunately I have NO confidence in my ability to handle myself ::. I haven't been in a fight in years and years.

Snapping on the guy in the hardware store- I'm really not sure what caused it. It was really a combination. Part of it was my ego and the "macho" side of my brain telling me that I should stick up for my wife. Otherwise I would have regretted it immensely, like I had let both her and myself down by being a coward.

Second, it was just pure anger. My wife loves me in an accepting way that no one ever has(not easy with all my ****ed up mental problems). I'd rather have something bad happen to me than to her. When I see someone intentionally make her feel bad, I just want to "make them pay" for it. It actually hurts my feelings more when someone does that to her than when they do it to me.

I also have a partner so i can relate to the protection aspect of your post.

Do you also find that you become more nervous when you're with your partner as you know that you'll HAVE to fight or at least put on a good show so as not to be perceived as "weak" by your partner?

I am sure that its sucks being afraid of this all the time, but alot of your behavior is actually something that I was taught and had to practice. It is called awareness training.
It is a good thing (not the fear). If you live hear in the states and in a more violent area of it, I garuntee that this behavior has helped you many times that you don't even know about.

True, it might have helped me in the past when I was in the US, but now I live in Europe. Streetfights are only common when people are drunk, which unfortunately is EVERY night here. However, I even have this fear and behavior during the day, when there's no real reason for it.

try to live more by the heart.

I truly wish I could man, but unfortunately my whacked out brain keeps flooding my heart with HUGE shots of adrenaline even in mundane situations.

If I had learned at that early stage better coping mechanisms which I now have learned, I would have saved myself a lot of depression, anxiety and despair in my life.

Dave, any tips on where or how to pick up some of these better coping methods?

my fear and anxiety levels go way up when I meet some kind of people,funny doesnt happen with japanese people,only when I am around western people

Adrox, I hope you won't take this is some kind of "reverse-racism" as it is definitely not intended that way: I usually don't have these responses to Japanese people either. Most Japanese tourists and expats that I have met are always VERY mature and polite, regardless of age. And from what I understand of Japanese culture, it is considered a humiliation to be involved in a street fight in any way, so only a true criminal/thug-type would start one.

My only problem with Japanese culture is the reportedly VERY xenophobic attitude towards gaijin(foreigners, especially non-Asian ones). Apparently this "racism" can get very bad there. Otherwise, I think I'd move to Japan

 

[coyote]

Coyote, what do you think changed about you in the marines? Did you come out fitter? More confident? Less afraid of fights?

Those things, yes.

But mostly just being in an environment of comraderie and esprit de corps, no one picking on anyone else.

By the time I got out six years later, I had grown up considerably, and - like you said - was much more confident in my "position" among most groups of men.

 

[usctrojan]

this was a good post, i too have the same thoughts and feelings. i hate being on the bus or train because of making eye contact. this leads to me over exaggerating to situations because of this fear.

 

[HopelessMess]

Those things, yes.

But mostly just being in an environment of comraderie and esprit de corps, no one picking on anyone else.

By the time I got out six years later, I had grown up considerably, and - like you said - was much more confident in my "position" among most groups of men.

It's weird how two people can experience the same thing completely differently. I have a friend who was in the marines. He once admitted to me that the only time that he HAD been picked on in his life was while he was in the marines. He was a cook though, so maybe cooks don't get alot of respect in the marines? I dunno.

Either way, luckily my friend has a very resilient personality and is still hypersocial to this day. I envy people like him, who can bounce back and don't get their spirit broken so easily.

 

[SilverFire]

I don't have this to the same extent, but I too mentally prepare when I go somewhere and I see some guys in a pack or even a guy by himself; usually I size him/them up pretty quickly to determine if there's an immediate threat. I don't care if he's bigger/more muscular/tougher -- that doesn't bug me. I just look to see if he's trying to menace me.

Now I always carry a pocketknife, so while it's not a lot, I can bust it out and in a moment, he has to deal with a knife. I'm thinking about getting my concealed carry license, as well. Not that I plan on using it and not that I want to ever use it, BUT, that would just be additional peace of mind, in that I could defend myself if needed. And that's really what it's all about. If some people are trying to threaten you, as long as you're confident that you have some equalizing force, then you've got nothing to worry about. I dunno what the laws are over there (probably draconian), but you should be able to find a medium-sized knife, and there you go. That at least gives you some peace of mind.