Here's a Weird One: I Have a Fear of Being Bullied or Beaten Up

Adrox said: ↑

I also get prepared for confrontations,my fear and anxiety levels go way up when I meet some kind of people,funny doesnt happen with japanese people,only when I am around western people.

I feel the most apprehension with Caucasians, less so with black people, and even less with Asians.

These are typical symptoms of scapegoating. Don't blow it out of proportion and over analyze it. Because you were bullied it has an affect on you. Refuse to be scared, refuse to be bullied. You have to reject being scapegoated by others. But you have to be ready to verbally, or physically assert that. It takes time and commitment though. But I can tell you it will make you a stronger and more respected person. Be humble though, never let your ego get in the way of things. You never need to impress anyone.

HopelessMess said: ↑

Do you also find that you become more nervous when you're with your partner as you know that you'll HAVE to fight or at least put on a good show so as not to be perceived as "weak" by your partner?

Yeah definitely, thankfully she isn't into the whole nightclubbing scene and prefers to drink/socialize in a more low key manner.

Dude I'm like you, that make me always tense, agressif and paranoid around men. Like I'm always ready for a word fight or a real fight.

Waybuloo said: ↑

I feel the most apprehension with Caucasians, less so with black people, and even less with Asians.

Do you have a reason for that? if not, isn't that crazy how we don't have control over our own perception?

SilverFire said:

Now I always carry a pocketknife, so while it's not a lot, I can bust it out and in a moment, he has to deal with a knife. [SNIP]
I dunno what the laws are over there (probably draconian), but you should be able to find a medium-sized knife, and there you go. That at least gives you some peace of mind.

Unfortunately, I think it's even illegal to carry pepper spray in most of Europe.

It's ridiculous. If someone attacked you and you used pepper spray on them, the Police would likely arrest you and send your attacker on his way.

PunkRotten said:

Refuse to be scared, refuse to be bullied. You have to reject being scapegoated by others. But you have to be ready to verbally, or physically assert that. It takes time and commitment though. But I can tell you it will make you a stronger and more respected person. Be humble though, never let your ego get in the way of things. You never need to impress anyone.

That's part of my problem, I think. Because I was bullied as a kid, I NEVER want to let that happen again. So I never know exactly how far to go to assert myself without actually CAUSING the situation to get worse, or making someone's single stupid comment to me into a whole big fight.

DarkPhoenix said:

Do you also find that you become more nervous when you're with your partner as you know that you'll HAVE to fight or at least put on a good show so as not to be perceived as "weak" by your partner?
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Yeah definitely, thankfully she isn't into the whole nightclubbing scene and prefers to drink/socialize in a more low key manner.

Unfortunately, we live downtown in the center of a pretty big European city and therefore we end up walking everywhere. There are TONS of drunk guys walking around in groups in this city at night. When it starts to get dark, these jackasses drink like their liver is on fire and only beer and whiskey shots will put it out.

jiujitsu92 said:

Dude I'm like you, that make me always tense, agressif and paranoid around men. Like I'm always ready for a word fight or a real fight.

juijitsu, I read in another of your posts that you study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai. Has this helped make you less tense and paranoid?

And is that why you started MMA training?

HopelessMess said: ↑

juijitsu, I read in another of your posts that you study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai. Has this helped make you less tense and paranoid?

And is that why you started MMA training?

I start MMA because I love it, gain self confidence and esteem, know how to fight, be and shape, take the anger away, 😀

Change: More energy, more agressif, a little less depressed, a little more confident in my fighting abilities, but I just do that since 6 month, I'm not a beast.

Unfortunately, that doesn't change shyt for my self esteem, but I stopped thinking about that, now I just do it for the fun. And that give me goal in life (submit guy in my jiu jitsu class, outboxing guy that outboxed me before, etc.)

I honestly think some of your reactions on the situations you mentioned takes probably more courage than I will ever have.

arsenalwa said: ↑

I honestly think some of your reactions on the situations you mentioned takes probably more courage than I will ever have.

Nah, it just takes more Klonopin than you have 😀

Seriously man, there was very little courage involved. Klonopin is like a magic pill, or maybe more correctly, a magic bullet. It will take alot of your fear away, but it also does alot of damage.

I strongly advise against carrying weapons.

Statistically, most people who carry a weapon for "personal defense" have their weapons used against them.


Thugs don't necessarily accost every person they run across.

Why do they bypass some, only to pick on others?

Because some people look like they'd be too much trouble.

The thugs are trained to size you up quickly to determine if you're worth the trouble.

The best defense against random street violence (other than staying off the streets), is to appear as though you'd be too much trouble to mess with.

It takes a certain poise, carriage, demeanor....or that ugly word "confidence."

I can't explain it, but I know it's there, sorry.

Lets looks at reality the only reason you are scared from this conflict is the fact your are used to run away or you are too scared to face it or feel that you dont have what it takes to deal with it.... I am usually scared from getting in trouble because i cannot control my fear or intensity and people that i usually face abuse that... Im sorry but i just not used to it and find it really hard because i rarely experience it nowadays and usually in the past i ran away or never fought back...
I sometimes think i need a mentor for these matters, someone wise enough to tell me whats the right thing to do or make out of these situations...

coyote said: ↑

I strongly advise against carrying weapons.

Statistically, most people who carry a weapon for "personal defense" have their weapons used against them.


Thugs don't necessarily accost every person they run across.

Why do they bypass some, only to pick on others?

Because some people look like they'd be too much trouble.

The thugs are trained to size you up quickly to determine if you're worth the trouble.

The best defense against random street violence (other than staying off the streets), is to appear as though you'd be too much trouble to mess with.

It takes a certain poise, carriage, demeanor....or that ugly word "confidence."

I can't explain it, but I know it's there, sorry.

Is it this?

YouTube - "Staying Alive" (1983) - The Final Strut

😀

Great thread!

Didn't know so many people feel this way...

Wasn't really bullied in school, though we fought with a guy and it sometimes got out of hand (I made him cry too though, so hm?) Trouble started after some bad experience at the dorm a few years ago.. (It was quite inexplicable, like something from a SF movie..)

It really helped to sign up for kung fu. So I heartily recommend martial arts. Maybe I need to take up something like that again?
Yup, we were taught to always scan surroundings and keep people at 'kickboxing distance', never let someone near enough to cause any real trouble too.. Smart stuff.. There are tips online too.. You can do damage with other objects too, it's best if it doesn't come to this though..

I later read that lots of 'too confident' young men (that fight back) can get attacked or even worse, so it may actually be better for survival to be 'on guard' and just avoid such situations when possible.. Or talk people out of it (yes, it's possible sometimes..) Confident can be cool, yeah.. Just keep eyes open etc.

Also, you might want to consider a self-defense workshop or something like that (haven't found one here yet, but some friends and relatives have shown me tricks..)

You might want to consider anger management classes maybe? To yell at clerks.. well, if a guy I was dating did this, I'd probably dump him.. or at least be heavily embarassed... (My Dad was aggressive or sometimes violent to us kids too, so I'm really turned off by these things...)

What you did at the bar could be seen as cool/funny... Depends how it's done too..
I'd get intimidated if the man I was dating expressed too much anger.. (even if it wasn't toward me)
We women are all different and it depends on the situation too, just sayin'..

My current problem is that I've been actually warned by some people doing eco things that some have experienced problems.. And I don't want to cause anyone problems.. (Others to be bullied or such..) Maybe we all need to go do kungfu? Whoever does the eco projects? hmm...?? 🙂 lol

lol LOVE Travolta!!

^ well i know people that are tough and ripped yet run like bitches... So i believe its a matter of self confidence and living by the heart... This is turning silly cuz all what were doing here is coming up with theories while people just go with the flow and live life..

There are moments in life where i never felt anxiety or probably was afraid yet walked strong and confident.. With no fear of anything what so ever... I never knew from where i got this confidence booost but these are rare occasions id wish to have often in life...

Honda said:

I sometimes think i need a mentor for these matters, someone wise enough to tell me whats the right thing to do or make out of these situations...

Yeah I feel like I need some "normal" person to tell me what the correct response should be in these situations. Once when I was all Klonopin-ed up, I actually asked some big bar bouncer for advice. I told him about how I had almost got in a fight with some guy the night before. As the guy and his friend were walking by, one of them said something annoying. I responded with some comment back and almost ended up in a streetfight with the guy because of it.

The big bouncer's advice? ALWAYS try to avoid a fight. If someone says something to you on the street, who cares? They don't know you. If someone calls you an idiot, just say "Okay I'm an idiot", then just think to yourself 'What do I care what this moron thinks of me?'.

I pointed out to him that it was easy for him to say that, because he was giant and no one would ever mess with him. He said "It doesn't matter how big you are, they could have a weapon. You never know." Then he showed me this big nasty scar on his side and said "You see this? I always used to want to fight everyone who started trouble with me. One time, I was fighting this guy and his friend who was standing behind me pulled out a knife and stabbed me in the kidney... Always try to avoid a fight if you can."

Rembrandt Broam said:

Is it this?
YouTube - "Staying Alive" (1983) - The Final Strut

LMAO I loved that! Best douche-chill movie line ever!
"You know what I want to do? Do you know what I want to do!? STRUT!!!"

Maybe that is what coyote meant. After all, if you're walking around like that, everyone is gonna think you're nuts and stay FAR away 😀

Feathers said:

You might want to consider anger management classes maybe? To yell at clerks.. well, if a guy I was dating did this, I'd probably dump him.. or at least be heavily embarassed... (My Dad was aggressive or sometimes violent to us kids too, so I'm really turned off by these things...)

What you did at the bar could be seen as cool/funny... Depends how it's done too..
I'd get intimidated if the man I was dating expressed too much anger.. (even if it wasn't toward me)

I think this is a very "Western European woman" attitude 🙂. My wife is Western European as well. She wasn't embarrassed by my yelling at the store clerk, but she did say that I "didn't have to do that". I think the average American chick(not all) would expect me to come to her defense like that. If I didn't, she'd look down on me or be disappointed that I didn't stand up for her.

However, it's a bit of a mixed message from women sometimes-
Once, my wife and I were at a bar and this big REALLY drunk guy who was a friend of a friend was talking to us. The guy kept pointing his finger in my wife's face while he was talking to her. He wasn't arguing, saying anything mean, or threatening her, but just overly emphasizing what he was saying by pointing at whoever he was talking to as he spoke(he did the same to me). He was also talking loudly.

It REALLY bothered me though when the guy pointed in my wife's face. After a minute or so, I got completely sick of it and just held up my open hand between the guy's finger and my wife's face until he stopped talking. He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and I said "Hey calm down man."

He said "Oh... I didn't mean anything by it" and kept talking but with less pointing and less close to her face 🙂.

My wife told me later that she was GLAD that I had done this. She said that while she didn't feel threatened by the pointing, she liked that I was looking out for her 😕. So I'm never sure when it's right to be overly protective or "tough" and when it's not.

I am NEVER violent with my wife and I don't even raise my voice in arguments. However, I will admit that my wife has told me before that I'm "too angry" because I'm often in a bad mood. I honestly think that the anger is just a by-product of my other problems though. If I woke up tomorrow and suddenly had no Generalized Anxiety, no Social Phobia, and no OCD, I think I would rarely be angry at all.
.

Hm, some good points.

I'm not really 'Western European', officially I'm 'Eastern European' or 'Middle Europe' - Slovenia is the most 'Western' of the ex-Yugoslavia countries..

I'm not sure about American chicks, I guess it depends on who they are and what they expect (think Jerry Springer or HSP - highly sensitive artsy 'cultural' women...) Lots of different people everywhere...

And there have been discussions online how in romances alpha guys can be ohh-so-cool, and in real life it would suck if he just beat the crap out of every guy that looked at a girl twice..

I think every woman likes to feel protected and 'looked after' (except maybe the really liberated 'independent' feminist types). It depends if this is done in a caring manner or not. Just putting a hand between a guy's hand and your face can be cool, if you also called him a total jerk or insulted him, it's not cool in my book. I still say politeness rocks 😉
Or just ignoring the annoying people if you can.. Or sort of 'making friends' with them if it's possible.. (thus rendering them harmless)

This was described best in Daniel Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence. He describes a 'dangerous guy' who got completely calmed down by some older guy, who just said the right words to him. I really admire that.

It's perhaps not always doable in real life, I'd totally want to learn that though. (Not sure where?)

When I was out with my boyfriend when I was younger, a sort of 'homeless guy' approached us when we were eating out, and I was a bit uhmm? But the guy I was with just talked to him and it was really cool.. (He had a sort of Jesus Christ/Jim Morrison thing about him lol, my then-bf, so maybe that's why it worked too..) It was just accepting people as they are..

And I'd get totally bored if my guy would be chasing people away.. (I usually hate it even when my girl friends do that, I like meeting new people..) I don't like it if people are jealous over who I meet or talk with.. (If it's friends or relatives or dates..)

I guess it can be difficult where you live though.. City centers and drunk people can be sorta problematic, and some drunks or people 'out' can be friendly, some not so.. Or may have had a bad day (or a bad century) too.. How to tell?

I totally agree with your big bouncer's advice.. Very awesome..
If people accidentally nudged me I'd just assume it was by accident.. Grabbing 'female parts' that's different and I'd get upset then.. Though some girls take it more lightly or can be amused etc (depends on who does it too, and how..) Or if someone directly insulted me, with words that I wouldn't know how to reply to.. (Serving older ladies doesn't count here, I love older ladies!) I guess I'd expect from a bf to stand up for me then, though if it were crowded and dangerous and the others were more mean looking, hmm? (I'd still prefer to have a live bf!) I never got grabbed when I wasn't single though, so maybe just a guy standing close helps with that.. Sorry this is silly and perhaps too much detail..
Anyway, it's good to know how to make a situation less tense, either with humor or being 'human' or just sort of diffusing it.. A girl can help diffuse situation too.. by shrugging it off or just being nicely assertive herself..

There's a good example in the film 'Coyote Ugly' too, when she pulls out a tenner and says to the guys they can either fight or buy these lovely ladies a drink.. I think waitresses and bouncers may have even more good tips..
That would be a cool book, lol. 'How to avoid fights' - maybe something like that exists already?

I think anger and depression can be directly connected - if you try to suppress anger, you may get depressed. There are ways for dealing with anger in books (on emotional intelligence and assertiveness and CBT), I listed some of them in another thread.