Help! misunderstanding gone wrong, can I try to fix it somehow?

[MNM322]

Ok, this could get long. So back in April, I met this guy, 19 years older, who lives literally next door. We got along fantastically. I had some of the happiest moments in my life with him. I cry even thinking about any of them now.

Anyway, somewhere along the way, I developed "feelings" for him, but I've NEVER had a boyfriend, or even a date and I am 30 years old, so I was far too scared to risk it at all. I did my best to push my feelings aside and just focus on the friendship.

He had some possible "issues" too, he moved home to care for his mom who is now suffering dementia and has OCD and he always would tell me how he spent hours in his room and he rarely went anywhere but errand running and such. He was unemployed when we met due to a upcoming surgery. He only ever mentioned two people to me he called "friends" and he never had company over, claiming his mom did not allow it.

Anyway... I made a seriously STUPID mistake, but from my mind, it was coming from a innocent place... end of July, I asked him for his #. I was gonna be home alone and because of "issues" I have, I always feel better asking someone near by for contact info if I need something (non emgerceny) so I asked him like this "Is it ok to ask for your number?" and he said yes! So I was relieved... but it never came.

Things got "weird" after that... I swore he began avoiding me and I felt so ****ty because he was the only "friend" I had I talked to alot, most of my "Friends" are too busy these days... but then, mid August... he talked to me again, TWICE and he started the chats. The last chat we had was aug 21 and we had tons of laughs and talked over an hour.

Anyway he mentioned then about his upcoming surgery and I asked if I could visit during recovery with my dogs...(therapy dogs) and he said it was fine. Labor day he was outside so I briefly asked him after he waved at me, when surgery was. He told me. I wanted to come by and offer him my best and if he needed anything etc but he was gone so much that week, I never got to.

So I stupidly made a card. Ugh... anyway I wrote in it... "i wish you the best on your surgery and a fast recovery. i appreciate your kindness to me and my dogs and i hope we are friends for years to come. please let me know if you need anything, i am here if you need me" I meant no harm or anything by it but kindess and I added my # at the end and wrote "in case you need anything, or you can even feel free to stop by" I signed it from me and my dogs

So we went to visit and he was cleaning out the car and I approached him (BAD idea I know. I feel horrible about it) and asked if he wanted a visit and he was like "Im busy" but the way he said it, I was worried so I said "Am I bothering you?"

He said "YES!" He raised his voice but he wasn't screaming or anything, just stern. He said "I did not like the cutsey card, its like junior high infatuation. We are neighbors, not friends or friends for years to come, neighbors. I was being nice as a neighbor" Then I said my usual "I am sorry" and said "I was just trying to be nice"

Then he was mad about my number and said "this is why I wouldnt give you mine" so I asked why he said yes and he claimed he was avoiding the question. He said "I am 50, you are 30" which, duh, I knew this when we met and we talked for months a bunch of times, so IDK why he threw that at me. Then he was mad about a joke I made he took literally. He went in the house and said "I do like your dogs" and that was that.

Now I know he was wrong to yell at me and all that jazz but I don't believe he is a evil man, he was annoyed by me approaching him stupidly and clearly by my lame card. He took it out all at once. I just wanna know a few things

1-- Was I wrong to give the card? I mean I know I was wrong to some things but the card...??
2-- Is there ANY hope at all of this blowing over? I never even got to explain my side and things are so akward. I never meant to upset or scare him. I just wanted him to know I cared.
3-- How long should I wait to try to reconcile things, if I should? I want to try to be at least civil again. I hate the feeling of wondering if he hates me.
4-- Do you think he faked all those months of kindness? I don't get why using the term friend would upset him?

Anyone? Kind advice please... dont just say "oh move on" its like, I see him DAILY, right out my flipping window. He and I had a great history and its rare I got along so well with someone. Now I feel like I was lied to and he hated me this whole time....

 

[GraybeardGhost]

As far as I can see, the only thing you've done wrong is to blame yourself for his lack of social grace. The note you sent seems very nice, as intended, but his reaction was entirely out of proportion and inappropriate. It's possible that he had a lot on his mind that day, with his mother's health issues and his own, but that does not excuse him lashing out at you. In time, he may come to realize his error, but until then you should probably just give him the space he needs to figure out what he wants.

 

[Hoppy]

He sounds a lot like me, so I can see his point. Completely unable to cope with this new demand on him.

He is/was unemployed, caring for a mother with dementia (and that is a lot of strain) and now this neighbour he had some conversations with is trying to push in there as well, while he knows he do not have the energy to cope with someone else as well.

And now he is probably feeling silly about having made a scene out of nothing.

Go slowly.

 

[MNM322]

I know, "Hoppy" after putting myself in his shoes. I TOTALLY get where he is coming from, I do and I dont hate him. I feel horrible that my bad sense of reading people caused this. I did not mean to make him feel in "demand" in fact I forgot to say a part he told me, he was mad I asked for his # and said "I am not your go to guy, if something happens, you call 9-1-1. I got enough things going on with my mom" and I never thought of him as a "go to guy" just as someone I trusted in case I needed anything.

I feel horrible and especially since we share a fence, things are soooooo akward. Do you think he will get over this in time? Should I, maybe in a few more weeks try to apologize? Is it ok to wave or say hi??

 

[surewhynot]

You should definetely wave hello whenever you see him, and give him some space for a while. You guys are neighbors so one day he will most likely engage in a conversation, and you guys can take it from there, slowly. Just give him time, he seem to have alot of things on his mind at the moment.

 

[coyote]

great advice from everyone

clearly, you did nothing inappropriate, so try not to beat yourself up over it. he is obviously going through a rough time, and unfortunately took it out on you.

continue to wave and say hi, but don't push it

give him some space, and allow him to find a way to reconcile

hopefully his fear or pride won't get in the way

it's good that you recognize that there may be a number of issues that he is dealing with that caused him to act the way he did, and not simply dismiss him as a jerk. people behave irrationally for all sorts of reasons that may not be apparent to everyone they encounter. how many of us on this forum have been dismissed for behavior that others couldn't understand?

 

[MNM322]

Do you think its possible, he has social phobia of some degree? He seemed very shy when we first met and spent most of his time alone in his room, according to him. How ironic if we both had it but never told each other and now this happened because of it.

My grandma seems to think maybe he "liked"me and was upset because I "friend-zoned" him.

At any rate. For sure gonna give him space. It was just a week ago yesterday so a bit of time yet. I just hate feeling like I gotta hide from him, ya know? I dont wanna upset him more.

Also yes, EVERYONE is basically saying he is a jerk or a ASS, and to "leave him alone" etc... but I have compassion for his situation. As a caregiver of my disabled brother, I totally relate and we bonded over this. I know he has alot going on and I really think its far deeper than this, most people would of Warned me or something if I was too much but he happily said I could visit.

 

[kilojoule]

It kind of seems like he's put out about something alright. I concur that your actions are perfectly sociably acceptable and that his are not. I also agree that he has a lot going on and he has taken it out on you unfairly but understandably. It's also worth noting that people often take things out on those closest to them.

Reading it, your account of it, it seems like maybe he's responding to something unsaid. Maybe he feels unsure of his role with you. Maybe he's uncomfortable and trying to re-establish himself in a different role as the standoffish neighbour. As others have said, he has a lot going on maybe he feels pressure? But also maybe he feels disappointed or ashamed if he thought your feelings were different to his. And maybe that turned to anger... isn't it funny how almost all emotions can turn to anger

Either way, whatever it is, I'd be nice and smile and polite and let him eat a bit of humble pie and come round when he's ready (And stop beating yourself up)

 

[MNM322]

You have alot of good points Jewel.
I can't help myself but BE nice and polite so its driving me mad to have to walk by on my dog walks with my head down etc I want to wave or say hi to people. In a weird way it helps me feel safer. I REALLY hope this blows over and we can at least be civil.
My dog misses him so much, it breaks my heart. He dug a big hole under the fence the other day when he was mowing, trying to get to him.

I do feel I have reasons to be sorry. Sorry for the bad timing of coming up when he was clearly busy and sorry for "pushing" a friendship. I felt that because I mostly ignored him I was ok and not clingy or anything but then I think the card really freaked him out and now he thinks I am some psycho

I hate how it took me so long to find somone I connected with so well and trusted so much and now I am seemingly lost again. I always will regret the card.. but I do wonder if it really is what set him off. IDK

Mom thinks in time, I should just be nice...like normally for the holidays we give all our neighbors a Christmas card, its from the family though. Not just me... but now I am scared to give him or his mom one. I guess in another week or two if he is outside when I am, maybe he will wave or I can try to.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

I'm sorry you had to experience this. You sound like a genuinely nice person.

Sounds like he's afraid of people getting too close to him so he's pushing you away. Clearly he has his own issues and none of it is because of you personally. It also sounds like he might know about your feelings for him. If he's love shy that might better explain his avoidance of you and the comment he made about the age difference.

 

[MNM322]

I am a nice person and I hate that about myself. Hate it. Everyone sees it as a bad thing and I scare people away all the time. I don't even like people much, I prefer animals, but I can't stop myself from wanting to do nice things for people.

I just wish we could of talked about it, its so awkward and I just wanna cry every day I see him. I feel like it was all lies....

If he was "on to me" so to speak, then I am gifted, LOL because I was far too scared to do anything about it, other than act like I would to anyone else. I never flirted, or anything. The # things came from a place of innocence to me. Also, people nowdays share numbers more willingly, so I didnt think much of it

I even wrote out a letter explaining everything on my end... but I know he would never accept it anyway, so now its just a waiting game... but the "nice" side of me will wave or something. I just can't hold grudges or be rude to people

 

[kilojoule]

And you shouldn't have to either, this is his problem not yours You just be you and go about your life as you normally would. If that means waving or whatever then you do that. He'll figure it all out eventually and this will right itself. or rather he will right it

 

[MNM322]

Ya I sure hope so. Yesterday was a "bad" day for me.
I had not told my mom about it yet. I was so nervous because she was always so happy for me that I was able to break out of my comfort zone and find someone I could talk to and have fun around. She always called him "my friend next door" which is also why I ended up using the term "Friend" myself

Anyway my dog was digging under the fence again and she says "you trying to go see your friend buddy? does he need help catching critters?" i got so upset i just blurted out "we are not friends"

Then I told her what happened, had to re-live the entire thing and just started to cry. I realize how rare this connection was for me with someone and how I'll likely never find it again. I hate how my dog bonded so much with him and he misses him too. I feel like I let my dog down

Mom is very sad for me and told me to give him some time and maybe try to talk to him but I don't know... although I wish I could. Having the last memory of him, as him being mad at me, is making things worse. I can't even re-live any of the happy times in my mind...

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

I am a nice person and I hate that about myself. Hate it. Everyone sees it as a bad thing and I scare people away all the time. I don't even like people much, I prefer animals, but I can't stop myself from wanting to do nice things for people.

Nice people are my favourite kind of people. I think niceness scares people because they're not used to it. Sort of like "why is she being so nice to me? She must have some kind of ulterior motive!"
Well, that's my theory anyway.

 

[user deleted]

Do you really want to save this friendship? He could have told you he didn't want to give you his number. If he felt too awkward doing that, he at least didn't need to be so rude in his response to your card which I thought was an endearing gesture. I don't know. I feel bad for saying this but this doesn't seem like the kind of person you need in your life.

 

[MNM322]

I don't care about the #. I don't even like talking on the phone or texting, I prefer in person.

Yes, I still wanna be civil. I know it wont ever be the same... but my dogs miss him too and I'd like to at least let them be able to see him.

 

[MikeyC]

Finally found the thread!

Anyway, him snapping at you makes no sense. Sure, he's got a lot going on, but that's really no excuse. I wouldn't be beating yourself up about it.

I would love it if someone gave me a card.

 

[MNM322]

Well... I know its small but... today when I was walking my dog, he was outside, I was so scared. I looked down as I walked by and heard him go "Hello, how are you?" I was in such shock.So happy. I said "Hi, good" and then walked him. Its not much but I am happy because he intiaited it and FINALLY we can be civil and I don't have to walk around in fear. Maybe in time, we will talk again, I dont know but its only been 2 weeks and he did this much. Its such a relief off me. I feel not scared anymore.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

That's great news, Melissa! I'm glad things are looking up for you.

 

[MikeyC]

Fantastic! A step in the right direction, for sure.