I have lost many friends for different reasons. Some of them I don't know anymore. Some of them I'm still in contact with, but they used to be more like real friends ... but the friendships faded out because we grew apart, or we no longer live in the same place and it became too difficult to stay close friends.
With some people, it became difficult to stay friends because I always had so much anxiety and difficulty being around their other friends (or their families efter they married and had children.) I've experienced that most people always expect u to also hang out with their other friends and it drives me nuts because I rarely feel at ease being with more than one person at a time.
Or being invited to a friend's birthday party or something, I just sit there awkwardly, wishing I was alone with the person that invited me, and I get sadder and sadder and everybody else have a great time and I'm the alien stranger that should just go home. That's how it goes every single time I accept an invitation. That can put a strain on a friendship, sadly.
I'm allergic to shallow smalltalk and hanging out with people that I don't feel a connection to. I just can't. That kind of socializing just makes me feel more lonely and lost.
I currently don't consider anyone my friend irl, because to me, a friend is someone I can get in touch with and not feel awkward about, and not feel like we've become strangers to each other, which is how I feel about everybody these days.
I feel nervous about contacting anyone. And I feel awkward if I hang out with anyone, I feel a huge distance between me and anyone I'm with.
And this is related to me having an attachment disorder, caused by an unsafe childhood and parents that I never had much of an emotional connection with. I don't trust people's intentions. I feel like I'm always going to be let down or left out in the cold.
I can't get close to people. I feel nervous and sad when I'm with someone because I feel like there is no strong connection, which is what I'm longing for.
I constantly compare myself to people; like, he/she has all these supportive family members and friends, and I don't. Or he/she has this meaningful life and I don't.
I used to think that the solution was to meet people who could potentially become my friends. Likeminded people. People who are interested in some of the things I'm interested in. People who face some of the same issues. But no. It never works out. I long for connection, but I feel like an awkward stranger. I'm doomed. I've given up. It never works out. I am friendless.
