Finding someone

[Looking_in105]

Hi everyone,

I'm in my mid-twenties and have never been on a date or have had a partner. I've come to stage now where I think there's something really wrong with me, and have really questioned myself.

I go to work everday, uni etc, occasionally go out with friends, but no one has ever approached me and asked me out. I know, perhaps I need to make the first move, but surely most people have been approached at least once right??

I'm just confused. It seems like a lot of people here have partners, or have at least been on a date, and some are even housebound (this might some a bit patronising, but I REALLY don't mean it that way. I guess I just want to highlight how lame I really am. I'm fortunate to still be able to go to work, uni whilst having SA, but I'm still useless).

I just don't get it...I know a few people who hardly say anything to anyone (again, I don't mean to sound patronising...I really don't, I'm very shy), but they still seem to have found someone. I'm thinking that people must find me gross, not relationship material, boring, uncomfortable to be around etc etc. I don't think I'm intimidating, rather I'm the opposite, very non-assertive.

I guess what I'm asking is, can anyone share any stories about how they met their partners?? At the supermarket, on the bus, at school/work, going out clubbing and so on. Were you approached, did you make the first move. Any tips???

Maybe I just need to get out more or something. However, I thought going to work and uni would be enough to at least have one relationship happen in my life...

 

[MollyBeGood]

i think like u said u need to make the first move.

good luck

 

[Looking_in105]

I was afraid someone would say that

yeah...life's never easy I guess.

 

[Waybuloo]

Is someone has been housebound or doesn't go out much, I would imagine that they met their other half on the internet. That is how I met mine. It wasn't intentional but just clicked. I didn't go on any dates before either. I think there must've been guys interested, i'm not ugly, I didn't smell, but I guess you have to be talkative and approachable for 'normal' guys and girls to react to you, otherwise you just attract predators, jerks and b*tches.

 

[cosmosis]

I find it interesting you never mentioned meeting someone online. I know for some people its still frowned upon or it feels 'weird'. I think in the near future, walking up to some stranger and saying some silly greeting to pick up on them is going to be frowned upon. Meeting strangers in person is based almost completely on looks and whatever public image they like to portray, which is usually very different to who they are really are once you get to know them.

If you have difficulty starting random conversations with strangers, maybe try online? It certainly doesn't have to be a dating site.

 

[Darryl]

G'day 105

How many times have you wished that your were able to walk up to a person and ask them out?

Maybe there has been a person who wished they could walk up to you, but there a little shy... you just don't know!

If you want it to happen straight away, forget it, it won't!- Just like waiting for a kettle to boil- it takes forever!

Go onto something else and the kettles whistling * nudge, nudge, wink wink*

You can't plan these things, they just happen.

I do think you'll have to go out more, go where the people are and look forward to going out without expectation.

Darryl

 

[MollyBeGood]

I was afraid someone would say that

yeah...life's never easy I guess.

LoL nope it's a real bear. I think a lot of times the answers are in peoples questions, too...like yeah you knew that already i could tell

maybe try online like people say. but you sound like you meet alot of people IRL so my guess is you have to just do it!

keep us posted!

 

[R3X]

i've learned the HARD way....you HAVE to take the initiative....there's no way around that unless if you're one of those lucky guys that the girl you're interested in does it for you...i've been UNlucky and she sort of gave up due to my lack of.....well,EVERYTHING! lol....hope everything goes well for you mate and good luck!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

i've learned the HARD way....you HAVE to take the initiative....there's no way around that unless if you're one of those lucky guys that the girl you're interested in does it for you...i've been UNlucky and she sort of gave up due to my lack of.....well,EVERYTHING! lol....hope everything goes well for you mate and good luck!

Yup. There can be flirting and signs but... yeah. And women do give up if you wait too long... i mean, not just like to go on a date but any further interest.

HOWEVER - when not actively looking is when for me I've found yeah through my limited experience. Just happens and realize it. Can be anywhere if open to it. So yeah it can just happen its cliche but true, BUT - once it does "happen" you still gotta MAKE it happen. But that's true with everything in life

 

[WantToHide]

Yup. There can be flirting and signs but... yeah. And women do give up if you wait too long... i mean, not just like to go on a date but any further interest.

Yea, I agree. Usually when people get together one person flirts a little...the other person responds by flirting a bit more...then the first person flirts a bit more. If a lady flirts with you and you don't respond, then they're going to think you're not interested. They wont go away because they lose interest, but because they think you aren't interested. The whole thing about walking up to a chick in the park or where ever and making conversation, I think, is absurd. I think it's really rare that people get together that way. Most people get together with people they already know. And they show their interest by flirting and seeing if the other person responds. I think girls initiate the flirting in these situations as much as men.

Going up to people you don't know and trying to chat them up seems a bit creepy to me. I think what you need to do is work on your flirting, making small physical contact and complimenting the other person. And not just the people you're attracted to, flirt a bit with everyone, that way you can practice without the risk of rejection.

 

[megalon]

The whole thing about walking up to a chick in the park or where ever and making conversation, I think, is absurd.

Going up to people you don't know and trying to chat them up seems a bit creepy to me.

Agreed. You have nothing to go on but looks in that situation, and that's def not enough to justify taking the risk IMO. I think they would either think you're some kind of weirdo, and/or they would immediately see that you're trying to hit on them. People don't start conversations with strangers without a reason.

 

[Fighter86]

Well, I don't know what kind of advise to offer. I can barely cope myself. I have had the opposite sex shown some kind of interest, but for some reason, have been unable to bring friendship to the next level. Things always start strongly and frizzel out very quickly. I feel very upset and dissapointed because everytime it happens, I have hope that perhaps this time would be different and leading somewhere, but somehow, things never materialise. The guy who had been texting me intensively for the past week stopped sending me messages today. I guess that's the end of it, yet again::

 

[Darryl]

Fighter86,

Something may have happened out of his control, so be patient.
I'm sure he will be missing your conversations and then you'll have much to talk about.... and this may be the trigger to take you to the next level!

Things happen and change for reasons.

Darryl

 

[WantToHide]

Fighter86, why don't you text him? No-one's interest dies overnight. Were you texting him as much as he was texting you? Is there a chance that he thinks you're not interested?

 

[IGotSeoul]

Hi everyone,

I'm in my mid-twenties and have never been on a date or have had a partner. I've come to stage now where I think there's something really wrong with me, and have really questioned myself.

I go to work everday, uni etc, occasionally go out with friends, but no one has ever approached me and asked me out. I know, perhaps I need to make the first move, but surely most people have been approached at least once right??

I'm just confused. It seems like a lot of people here have partners, or have at least been on a date, and some are even housebound (this might some a bit patronising, but I REALLY don't mean it that way. I guess I just want to highlight how lame I really am. I'm fortunate to still be able to go to work, uni whilst having SA, but I'm still useless).

I just don't get it...I know a few people who hardly say anything to anyone (again, I don't mean to sound patronising...I really don't, I'm very shy), but they still seem to have found someone. I'm thinking that people must find me gross, not relationship material, boring, uncomfortable to be around etc etc. I don't think I'm intimidating, rather I'm the opposite, very non-assertive.

It's impossible to read minds -- this often leads us to project what we feel of ourselves into others onto ourselves. confused

When I feel ugly, I feel less desirable and confident. Consquently, I feel my ugliness is evident to others even when it is not.

While my feeling ugly may not be entirely realistic, the social unease and lack of confidence derived from that feeling is.

Back when I attended school I was very anxious and felt as if nobody was attracted to me - of course some were, but I was completely oblivious because I felt so strongly against myself.

Years later I found out that quite a few girls had crushes on me but never approached me due to a number of reasons. We often forget that others cope with similar dilemmas, even if not social anxiety.

I guess what I'm asking is, can anyone share any stories about how they met their partners?? At the supermarket, on the bus, at school/work, going out clubbing and so on. Were you approached, did you make the first move. Any tips???

Maybe I just need to get out more or something. However, I thought going to work and uni would be enough to at least have one relationship happen in my life...

Don't stress too hard over it. Life brings many opportunity, carpe diem.

 

[Josette]

I agree with everyone else saying you have to take the initiative. But it might not be that you specifically have to ask someone out--it could be you just need to be open to being asked out, not send those 'keep away' vibes.

I'm 38 now and still don't "have someone". Don't let yourself become me! I think back now and realize all the times guys were flirting with me or hinting about a date ("if you need help with your bike, I'm happy to, just give me a call") or sometimes outright expressing interest and I just ran from it or pretended it didn't exist every time out of fear.

What I mean is, it could be that plenty of guys/girls (whatever your preference is) are interested in you, but you're telling them with body language etc to stay the hell away? No one wants to be where they're not wanted.

Also, you might try online dating. It's still got a bit of stigma attached to it but nowhere near as bad as before. And if any of your friends says something about it, you can say 'well, do you know anyone you'd like to introduce me to? No? Then shut it, I'm going online.'

 

[Bittersweet]

IGotSeoul,

Years later I found out that quite a few girls had crushes on me but never approached me due to a number of reasons.

I know it's a bit off topic, but how did you come back into contact with some of the girls who had crushes on you and how did the topic arise?

 

[Apotheosis]

I know it's a bit off topic, but how did you come back into contact with some of the girls who had crushes on you and how did the topic arise?

I know your question wasn't to me, but I recently found out a girl had a crush on me purely by accident.

I think it was an accident anyway; I turned a corner and she hit me at a full sprint.

She runs track.

I was floored, literally.

Anyways she said *nothing* and ran away. I thought she was psycho.

I mentioned her to a classmate. Apparently I was the only person in the school who DIDN'T know she had a crush.

THIS IS USEFUL INFORMATION PEOPLE. STOP BEING GOSSIPY TO EACH OTHER AND GOSSIP TO ME, DAMNIT.

...anyways graduation was next week so I never got a chance. She was cute too

 

[WantToHide]

...anyways graduation was next week so I never got a chance. She was cute too

If graduation's next week, why don't you have a chance?

 

[Feathers]

If graduation's next week, why don't you have a chance?

lol I agree, go for it!! haha

At least you could invite her for ice-cream or something? Okay, if she runs track something healthy maybe?

WanttoHide, good post. It's true about maybe flirting or talking a bit and see how it goes...

People do walk up to girls in a park or such, usually not Mr Charming though, just random people who might just be nice and want to talk... (unless it's a dorm park, then it may be different a bit.. some male acquaintances did go talking to random girls on dorm premises or even made up 'questionnaires' to go see random girls and knock on their rooms lol.. or maybe they were just talking about doing that? dunno lol..)

You can try different places, even unexpected ones... What have you been doing so far?

I met one bf at a bonfire night, I was there with friends one of who knew him... (It's easier if someone knows the other person.)
Met some dates and potential 'love interests' while out dancing, one cute guy approached our male classmates first and asked if we were their girlfriends lol..
Don't assume if there's a guy close to a girl that he's her bf (maybe he's not! - happened to me once, I'd prefer to go out with the other guy!!). So if in doubt, ask (her or her friend).
Met some people at the dorm or at uni, through friends or at parties or in the hall.. Most turned out to be just acquaintances/friends though, sometimes we were both too shy or we had bad timing or weren't really compatible or something like that...
Met one guy when hitchhiking (It's quite safe where I live.)

Friends met their husbands when volunteering or at karate club etc.

So, it can be very different... Think about what kind of a person you would like to be with, and what s/he *AND* you might find interesting!!

There have been threads about online dating, maybe do a search? Someone from this forum found 'the girl of his dreams' on a computer games forum lol! (might wanna make sure if you're truly compatible with anyone and not just both enthusiastic over the same thing/s before getting more 'serious' though!! )