Fed up of being a 29 years old virgin

[PugofCrydee]

I get what you mean now, and I think it's definitely acceptable when someone has a very obvious disability.

While I don't come close to qualifying as "significantly disabled," I do have a lot of functional difficulties resulting from my disorder(s). Things look pretty bleak indeed, I can't come *close* to living at the pace of modern life. Everyone has their 2 jobs with evening classes for the graduate degree, while living independently. Everyone expects that everyone else is like this, which sickens me to death.

Any man who can't live at even half that pace is excluded generally, and has no shot with women. The older he gets, the higher the expectations are placed among him, and the more pathetic he looks for not being able/willing to participate.

Yes although our problems may not be physical ones, you and I both know how they effect (and limit) our chances of sexual intimacy with someone else. And thus the question then begs to be asked;

If it's ok for physically disabled people to use sex workers under the banner of therapy, compassion and human understanding, why would it not be ok for those with mental illness?

 

[Bronson99]

Yes although our problems may not be physical ones, you and I both know how they effect (and limit) our chances of sexual intimacy with someone else. And thus the question then begs to be asked;

And yet you've still been able to achieve such things. Certainly if you have SA or some other social problem, you've had to *learn* how to become attractive. Can you explain some of the changes you made that took you out of the "ForeverAlone" category? I don't want to remain like this forever.

If it's ok for physically disabled people to use sex workers under the banner of therapy, compassion and human understanding, why would it not be ok for those with mental illness?

I never said it wasn't. I'm saying a guy who cannot live at the pace of modern life because he's mildly autistic or has SA, should still have enough intrinsic value to attract women (without paying for it.) But "should" does not count, apparently. Apparently you need to have social proof, financial security, independence and they don't care if you have trouble acquiring those things. They make no exceptions.

 

[PugofCrydee]

And yet you've still been able to achieve such things. Certainly if you have SA or some other social problem, you've had to *learn* how to become attractive. Can you explain some of the changes you made that took you out of the "ForeverAlone" category? I don't want to remain like this forever.



I never said it wasn't. I'm saying a guy who cannot live at the pace of modern life because he's mildly autistic or has SA, should still have enough intrinsic value to attract women (without paying for it.) But "should" does not count, apparently. Apparently you need to have social proof, financial security, independence and they don't care if you have trouble acquiring those things. They make no exceptions.

Sorry, that question wasn't directed at you. It was just me sort of thinking out loud.
As for me personally,I stopped trying to impress women. I decided to just be my true self. I found out that for (just as an example) every 50 women I came into social contact with, 48 of those weren't suitable for whatever reason.
But 2 of those might have been. So by being myself around them it was much easier to be honest and make a connection with that woman. Most of the time I found that those women (the 2) want just the same thing anyway.

Communication is key. You just have to hopefully find the right person to talk to. Give yourself half a chance.

If you give yourself no chance at all (and negative self talk is doing just that) how do you expect to meet someone, let alone give them a chance to get to know you?

Most people I've met with SA are actually nice ppl. I bet your not a bad guy once people get to know you either. You have to give yourself a chance though.

 

[Megaten]

Along with what PugofCrydee said, you could also start focusing on building your life and pursuing your passions in life. Being goal driven is an attractive quality to most people. Unless your goals are to become a farmer or colonize Mars, it'll put people in your life with similar passions and yeah some will be women. And either way you win since you're living your life.

 

[Bronson99]

Sorry, that question wasn't directed at you. It was just me sort of thinking out loud.
As for me personally,I stopped trying to impress women. I decided to just be my true self. I found out that for (just as an example) every 50 women I came into social contact with, 48 of those weren't suitable for whatever reason.
But 2 of those might have been. So by being myself around them it was much easier to be honest and make a connection with that woman. Most of the time I found that those women (the 2) want just the same thing anyway.

I don't exactly know what you mean by being one's "true self" but here's how I interpret it. "Hello I'm [my name] and let me tell you about my interests and passions. But now, you need to be aware I'm in my 30s and I don't have stability or self-sufficiency, and may not be able to acquire such things.. or at least not for a very long time."

I mean, I don't think that would play out very well. Now I don't mean I would just approach some woman in public and *literally* tell her those things, but the fact is I can't exactly hide it because sooner or later they will need to know details of my life and that comes before romance/cuddling/whatever.

What I'm saying is for guys impaired enough to have real functional difficulty, if they show their "real self" to any woman, that woman will not be interested. It's just a fact. I don't need to be a clairvoyant to realize that fact.

Do you at least understand now, why this is SO bloody frustrating?

 

[Bronson99]

Along with what PugofCrydee said, you could also start focusing on building your life and pursuing your passions in life. Being goal driven is an attractive quality to most people. Unless your goals are to become a farmer or colonize Mars, it'll put people in your life with similar passions and yeah some will be women. And either way you win since you're living your life.

I could probably do one, but not the other. In other words I could pursue passions (I'm already doing this) but functional difficulty seems to prevent building any semblance of a normal life. Seems there really is no hope, you know?

 

[Megaten]

I could probably do one, but not the other. In other words I could pursue passions (I'm already doing this) but functional difficulty seems to prevent building any semblance of a normal life. Seems there really is no hope, you know?

Well it wouldnt exactly be easy, at least not for everyone. But not impossible. I would gladly go back to being a kid where things were simple and me not having to think of things like student loans and retirement. Anyways the main reason I was suggesting that route was because you might become content with life and not find it worth it to you since romance can bring its own sets of problems.

 

[ryan2022]

I'd like to chime in on this.

First of all, over a long enough time frame sex becomes overrated, so try not to glamourize it. That should take pressure off of yourself.

I have a friend of mine in College, that went through year years of school, came out the other side and never met a girl. Same with high school, he stayed single until his late 20's early 30's.

He now lives with his wife, and has three kids!! What I'm getting at, is that it's a big thing now, but once it happens you'll move past it.

There WILL come a day where you look back and say wow! I was way to hard on myself.

As others have said, live your life, enjoy, relax and it'll happen.

 

[PhantomPod]

I'm a female and I'm a 29 year old virgin too! It sucks. I've never kissed anyone either. Hell, I've never even held hands with someone. FML.

Damnit. I want the D.
Forever Alone.

 

[Bronson99]

Well it wouldnt exactly be easy, at least not for everyone. But not impossible. I would gladly go back to being a kid where things were simple and me not having to think of things like student loans and retirement. Anyways the main reason I was suggesting that route was because you might become content with life and not find it worth it to you since romance can bring its own sets of problems.

Seems to be a backhanded dig in some ways.

Being unable to step up to the plate--higher education, adequate career, etc.--is not always childish simplicity. It's often a sign of genuine functional difficulty. Simply because my "disorder" is invisible does not make it less of a disorder. And simply because a man doesn't play much role in society, does not mean he's having a great time. Have you seen my posts? Would you prefer to have the self-concept I have? Every single day I have at least one thought that I belong "in the trash" because I can't realistically aspire to having 1/10th of a normal life.

It's not something to envy or call "childish." I know what you meant by that comment, and I don't respect it because it crosses the line into a personal attack.

 

[Megaten]

It's not something to envy or call "childish." I know what you meant by that comment, and I don't respect it because it crosses the line into a personal attack.

That was in no ways a personal attack.

 

[don21]

You mean my surprise at the one guy saying it did him a lot of good? Well its not so much the act of seeing a prostitute that I figured would cause trouble but seeing one to lose your virginity. I didnt think doing so would build any legitimate confidence. I also figured it'd solidify the idea that there was something seriously wrong with him. At least it would have if I had done that. But I guess my brain doesnt work the same as others. Tbh I hate the fact that anyone feels they have to pay for something like that disabled or not. I find it really depressing that we're creatures that are made to crave things that not everyone will have access to. Seems rather unfair and cruel. Ok rambling done.

It gave me sexual confidence in that if I were to have sex with a normal girl, I wouldn't be as nervous. It obviously did not give me any social confidence, but that was not the point of going and I didn't expect it to. The point was I wanted to experience something that I didn't have access to because of my debilitating anxiety. I don't feel inferior because I had to pay for sex, because in my opinion, getting laid is hard for most guys, so paying for it was shameless for me. It obviously did not solve my underlying problem, social anxiety, but it solved something that was extremely annoying to me, my virginity.

 

[Megaten]

It gave me sexual confidence in that if I were to have sex with a normal girl, I wouldn't be as nervous. It obviously did not give me any social confidence, but that was not the point of going and I didn't expect it to. The point was I wanted to experience something that I didn't have access to because of my debilitating anxiety. I don't feel inferior because I had to pay for sex, because in my opinion, getting laid is hard for most guys, so paying for it was shameless for me. It obviously did not solve my underlying problem, social anxiety, but it solved something that was extremely annoying to me, my virginity.

Oh ok, Im not judging btw. I just never saw it from that perspective.

 

[PugofCrydee]

That was in no ways a personal attack.

I agree that it didn't sound like a personal attack.

One of the classic symptoms of SA (but not limited to just that) is the habit of reading/hearing other people's comments and opinions as though they are being said 'against you'. (Bronson I'm sure you're already aware of this fact).

It's a faulty thinking pattern that has become established. If you really want to change your chances with meeting someone, you need to look deep inside.

Evaluate yourself. What can you do to change the negative points.

And the hardest point (it was and still is for me) is, can I admit when I'm wrong, thinking faulty, and willing to do the things required to make change?

Just so we're clear on this, I'm not talking about anyone in particular here.
I'm drawing on my own experiences on making ground in the fight against my SA and AvPD.

Hopefully someone can take something from it and use it to help themselves.
A book I read which was really helpful;
Change Your Thinking [Third Edition] | Harper Collins Australia

 

[RegalSin]

The problem is that your in the wrong place and the wrong kind of career. You need to explorer different opportunities. Some girls ( like take race wise ) want the opposite of what they really look like they are into. They are looking for marriage with there own kind but wants to spend time with other races/cultures.

In college I met my clones, and I realize this. I found women who wanted and like me, but then I realize I am too stupid to take there numbers or find them. Then I might hang around them too much. Otherwise I do not invite them out.

Bottom line many women are saving it for that special somebody or needs to be entertained. Like they are looking for an experience of some sort. However out there in the mess you will find a girl who is just like you, and wants companionship.

So do not worry.

...............


My problem is that I have no privacy or any real place to do it, asides in the alley-way or crawl space. Then there are women of power. Once I run into one of those I want to turn around the other-way.


Seriously there is chance and you need to take it. Try and try over again.


I would also recommend watching the "******* consulting" youtube channel. The story of a man who saved his money and now lives inside the basement of his mothers house, after retiring from his patrol job/ and is dating some student.

 

[Bronson99]

RegalSin, man, I think you're well-intentioned but I can hardly make heads or tails of your posts. I'm not even sure who you directed that post toward.

 

[HexNoir]

I didn't realize how lucky I was to have my egg cracked at 18.

I'm going to start referring to it as 'cracking the egg' from now on, just to confuse people.

 

[nodejesque]

I didn't realize how lucky I was to have my egg cracked at 18.

I'm going to start referring to it as 'cracking the egg' from now on, just to confuse people.

I read the first part and thought..." Does that mean...." Then I read the second part and laughed.

 

[Hannalein]

As a girl it is also really frustrating to be shy (understatement of the year) and a virgin. I know, it is easier for us girls (in theory). Yes, you could go in a bar and somebody there is likly willing to sleep with you (even if you are an awkward, stuttering mess). So the virgin problem could be easily solved (again only in theory - I could never have sex with someone I don't trust&love). But if you want a meaningful relationship it is really hard. Which guy would think your personality is great if you freeze when he attempts to start a conversation?

 

[Bronson99]

I, for one, am glad that I'm indifferent about the concept of a meaningful relationship.