Falling for life wave after wave- a blog

[Kiwong]

Belief

Is such a powerful thing. Belief needs to come from within. My beliefs are too influenced by what I hear other people say, not the conviction I have inside. I believe that I am good at running. Then I hear some armchair critic say to me "That's not running, you call that running?" or when someone imitates my running style as a shuffle, and my belief is deflated. When someone said "You have some talent as a photographer" it made me feel good, it made me believe. Then others say "they're not that good." and my belief is deflated.

My belief that I can run, that I am good at it, comes from a place of deep conviction. Over the last few years I have had these flashes of belief that have turned out to be true: I can beat knee pain, I can run again, I can run the City to Surf again, I can run a marathon- and I did. Those flashes of belief are so powerful. What if I could believe more? Right now I have flashes of belief, I can write a plant book, I can really do that. Or I might be able to sell some of my photos, I can really do that. Maybe I could renovate and sell my unit and live somewhere better near the bushland- I can really do that. That is when my mind starts working in my favour- when I start to believe from within, from a place of deep conviction.

 

[Kiwong]

A picture of my guide



The voice trying to help, the voice trying to be heard. Of course it is Leunig's Happy Angel. It's been buried at the bottom of the pit in the mud all these years, but is still there when I need it most. A very powerful voice that has to shout so loud above the white noise in my mind. It is the voice that has made the impossible happen. It loves sunrises and sunsets, and wildflowers and bush birds.

It wants to explore and discover the amazing detail in the natural world, to watch clouds move, change shape and colour, like a child. It loves the quiet places of the earth, the headlands and bush trails and wants me to stay around longer to experience more. It creates photos and words that come from a good place inside that it hopes can be heard.

It wants to run long and strong through the creek trail, and to encourage me when the going gets tough, and congratulates me when I push through the pain and finish.

It tells me look after myself, to not give up, to keep trying, to speak out, to rest. It gifts me the thoughts that I can turn into dreams, and helps me on each step towards them.

Angel

 

[Kiwong]

Lenny being baaaad! Sorry about the heavy breathing, I did run a half marathon today.

 

[Kiwong]

Everything seems to be happening all at once.

I've been cleaning my unit it seems for several weeks. Over the weekend I got rid of heaps of bulky items including broken down washing machines, fridges, cardboard boxes, and old TV, computers. I ran a half marathon race in the morning and then I spent four hours getting rid of stuff and cleaning. By Sunday night I was exhausted and my foot was painful.

Then I needed to go to Sydney to present a submission in a workshop in front of an expert panel. The submission was approved. Facing a high pressure situation like that was stressful, it kept me awake on Friday night thinking about it. I didn't want to let anyone down. After the workshop as I walked around Sydney my foot was terribly painful, and that was stressing me out. Then I flew home on a plane and caught up with my sister who is here to help me clean my unit.

Today we spent the whole day cleaning, the laundry, the garage, and the bedrooms. We took several bags of garbage to the tip, and dumped shoes, books and clothes into the vinnies charity bin. I took her for a drive to see some of the local sites, and ate lunch under the big Fig trees in the shaded avenue of the nearby town.

Tomorrow a professional cleaner will be coming to do a more thorough cleaning of the unit, bath room, toilet, laundry.

It was hard enough opening up my world to my sister, but now a perfect stranger. I feel ashamed of the way I live. This is a line of pain I have to cross, to confront the embarrassment to improve my life. This feels like a marathon of a different kind. The reward will be the options I create for the future, as I dig myself out a great big hole.

 

[Kiwong]

My clean kitchen with new oven and stove top.



the oven





My new bathroom. A new shower rose, cleaned tiles, new exhaust fans, and fixed towel rack.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

That all looks fantastic, Kiwong! I'm jealous.

 

[Hoppy]

So clean. And so white.

I'm impressed.

 

[kihira]

Looks spiffy! :thumbup: I keep thinking of that old Mr Sheen ad :]

 

[MikeyC]

Can you and your sister come to my house? It could use a bit of a clean-out, too.

Do you feel much better having a cleaner house to come home to? Has the relationship with your sister strengthened because of this?

 

[MollyBeGood]

What a great place you have-it looks so bright and cheery too. Nice work on the rehab of it!

Thanks for sharing!

 

[MollyBeGood]

Lenny being baaaad! Sorry about the heavy breathing, I did run a half marathon today.

Lenny is insane!

 

[Kiwong]

Looks spiffy! :thumbup: I keep thinking of that old Mr Sheen ad :]

 

[Kiwong]

Lenny is insane!

Haha. She's naughty but nice.

 

[Kiwong]

Thanks Greybeard, Kihira, Hoppy, Mikey and Molly.

It's like a new place to live, so much better than a week ago.

I feel like I've dug myself out a great big hole, Mikey, now I have options, a huge relief. It is good to know that I have the support of family, and they know who I have always been, long before I got anxiety. That I can turn to my sister for help is comforting.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

It's like a new place to live, so much better than a week ago.

Now that your place is all fixed up, what plans have you made for keeping it this way?

 

[jc972]

It's like a new place to live, so much better than a week ago.

I feel like I've dug myself out a great big hole, Mikey, now I have options, a huge relief. It is good to know that I have the support of family, and they know who I have always been, long before I got anxiety. That I can turn to my sister for help is comforting.

That was nice to read, dude :thumbup: I'm happy you're more happy man!

 

[Kiwong]

Now that your place is all fixed up, what plans have you made for keeping it this way?

I think I might get a cleaner in once a month, Graybeard.

 

[Kiwong]

That was nice to read, dude :thumbup: I'm happy you're more happy man!

Cheers Jc, it's nice to come home to a clean place.

 

[kilojoule]

Thanks Joule, mad scientists like us must be fighters.

yes :thumbup:

I've been catching up you've been very very busy! The place looks amazing, must feel like such a relief that its all sparkle sparkle. How pro active of you. Starting a big house job is intimidating. Coincadentally I spent today cleaning out my kitchen presses and the fridge. (Nowhere near as sparkly as your lovely kitchen though, fair play to you) but yes soon as I cleaned the presses and threw load of stuff out I felt like I could think more clearly. Clutter begets clutter maybe:thinking: so maybe tidy house tidy mind. I think you always know when a person is making positive changes in their life when they do big house cleans. Good for you kiwong. I hope your sparkly clean home brings you enjoyment

 

[Kiwong]

Yes, cleaning lifts a weight from the mind. Glad you got some clarity of thinking out from cleaning your Kitchen, Joule. There is also a sense of achievement involved?

I had a professional cleaner do my kitchen, she spent 1 and a half days in my unit, couldn't have done it on my own. Me and sister worked hard for 4 days.