Drinking...social comfort?

[Quiet Angel]

There have been threads about drinking and social phobia before, I know, but I'm posting this because I'm feeling desperate for advice.

Lately, I've been drinking a lot more because I desire to feel more comfortable in social settings. It's very effective, because I'm more extroverted, joke around, and tend to make people laugh and smile. They've said:

"We love you when you're drunk."
"You're so much more outspoken."
"You are a lot more like your natural self--I love it!"

Lots of quotes like that.

I'm beginning to think that people only like me when I'm drunk and this depresses me. I have friends and family who love me unconditionally. I've talked much more because I'm on the paxil medication to somewhat cure social phobia but apparently that's not enough. I'm tense, uptight, giggle/laugh excessively to other people. They perceive me as "fake" and that I don't express myself freely or naturally.

What can I do to change this without relying on alcohol? I'm trying hard but this social phobia clings onto me for dear life. As though I'm the only thing it ever had/and will have.

 

[MikeyC]

Sounds like you're starting to let the alcohol determine who you are, rather than letting your true self shine through. While you may seem more extroverted and comfortable around people while drinking, it's only a temporary feeling before the hangover sets in and you feel just as bad or even worse. Not to mention what excess/binge drinking does to your health.

Nothing wrong with social drinks every now and again, but you can't let it run your life. I would suggest confronting your friends about drinking and that, while they like your personality when you're drunk, it's not helping you and you're turning to alcohol for social freedom. Hopefully they will understand what you're saying and will be supportive.

If that's a big move for you, just try not to have too many drinks when you go out. Peer pressure might be present, because they like your personality when drunk, but tell them maybe you're cutting down on the drinks. Again, if they're decent people, they'll understand.

I hope I was some help. Good luck!

 

[theslowesthand]

"We love you when you're drunk"
"You're so much more outspoken"
"You are a lot more like your natural self--I love it!"
Lots of quotes like that

That just shows you how DUMB most people are. Its all shallow, surface, ME-ME-ME bullsh*t. You are NOT being "a lot more like your natural self", as you are introverted (am i right?).
What the hell would they know??? Oh, those stupid, ignorant "sheeple"...

 

[polishgirl]

I know what you mean. When you are drunk, everything comes easily, you don't stress out about needless stuff and just let loose. That is a part of being drunk; for everyone. For us, sociophobic it is an even bigger change. We can forget about everything that usually isolates us from society. And most of all, as you described and as I feel too, you can be natural because usually all that worrying about saying the right stuff, about actually being natural paradoxally, makes you more awkward.

I do get that but you have to remember that being drunk is a state that passes. You can't let that define you. Create your personality when you are not drunk. And forget about your other self. Because the not-drunk you is what most people will have a glimpse of.

 

[Sora]

There have been threads about drinking and social phobia before, I know, but I'm posting this because I'm feeling desperate for advice.

Lately, I've been drinking a lot more because I desire to feel more comfortable in social settings. It's very effective, because I'm more extroverted, joke around, and tend to make people laugh and smile. They've said:

"We love you when you're drunk."
"You're so much more outspoken."
"You are a lot more like your natural self--I love it!"

Lots of quotes like that.

I'm beginning to think that people only like me when I'm drunk and this depresses me. I have friends and family who love me unconditionally. I've talked much more because I'm on the paxil medication to somewhat cure social phobia but apparently that's not enough. I'm tense, uptight, giggle/laugh excessively to other people. They perceive me as "fake" and that I don't express myself freely or naturally.

What can I do to change this without relying on alcohol? I'm trying hard but this social phobia clings onto me for dear life. As though I'm the only thing it ever had/and will have.

Are you naturally quiet and find it hard to talk in groups?
I ask because I am exactly like this and this happens to me, as soon as I have had a few drinks I can talk without problems however I don't even have to be drunk or tipsy, I can have one drink or even a tiny little sip and be ok. I find it very confusing and have being experimenting with it a lot lately. I have being going out with some new friends which was a bit of a challenge for me, they didn't particularly like how quiet I was but they didn't hate me for it, they did want me to talk more though. I never know what to say though because I usually don't follow anything nor does most stuff people talk about interest me. Anyways I tested having one drink...I managed to be able to talk but not to the point of being comfortable and loud and funny. After a few drinks I will be a complete loud mouth, all my shyness fades. I then tried to do it without drink and I found I could still talk. From my experience you do not need the alcohol, you just need to spend enough time with the people so you eventually feel comfortable with them and then you can be yourself. Alcohol doesn't fix it, alcohol just makes it a quicker way to do it from what I have seen. I have being very shy before and drank alcohol, got very drunk and talked to someone, then everytime from then on I was never shy with them. Alcohol is a quick solution to it for me but I'd rather not use this. You can do the same thing without it, just takes more time for a shy person to do, if they give up on you before you get chance to be you then they are not worth it. I hope some of this has made sense. I felt like I needed to share it because I have being in this situation many times, and it still happens now.

I've also had the same type of thing as you "Your awesome when you're drunk! "You're even more random and even funnier!" However they also think this of me when I am not drunk, I just get worse when I am drunk, because I have zero shyness anymore, I just let my crazy side run 100% rampant lol. If they do not like you when you are sober then I think you need to get new friends, if they like you and then like you more drunk I don't see anything wrong with that. Lots of people are funnier drunk because alcohol makes us do weird things lol.

 

[tenuous~hold]

i completely understand this. i've always drank so that i could relax, so that i could forget that i don't feel i have a place in this world. it makes you forget about it, & for a while at least you feel you can "blend" in with the rest, in a sociable sort of way.

feeling socially awkward, or having anxiety, or being of the avoidant personality type doesn't help at all when it comes to situations where you have to deal with other people (esp. people you barely know or don't know at all).

i could write so much, but i'm just gonna end it here (since i don't know the answer, even after all these years).

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I don't know if I'm being dramatic but I've been told this too by one or 2 friends (you're so much cooler when you're drunk) and I found it incredibly selfish of them

I mean... "we don't care if you feel like crap tomorrow, as long as you entertain us now"

 

[Aletheia]

I have used (and still use, to a lesser extent) alcohol as a social lubricant. I think it's partly because if I say or do something stupid, I can just blame it on the booze.

I'm beginning to think that people only like me when I'm drunk and this depresses me.

Someone on here (sorry, I badly wish I could remember who) described it thus: he only felt able to let out his true self while he was drunk.

Could you think of it this way? That they like you when you're drunk because they like the real you? The real you not all tangled up in anxiety?

 

[Etbow23]

I can definitely relate to what you're saying although no one has ever said anything like that before. When I'm drinking I get the same way (unless I'm really drunk). Social situations are easier. That may be the reason that when I'm at some type of gathering and there's champagne or wine or whatever, I'm gulping it down and going on to seconds while everyone else has just had a sip. I feel at ease, people respond to me better because i'm friendlier and more outgoing...

Don't let it get worse though. I haven't been drinking lately because it was making me feel bad last month when I was getting drunk a few times a week. And by the way, those comments are rude. It's basically saying, "we like you when you drink" - god who would say that. I'd say either stay away from alcohol or don't go to social situations, unless you want them to keep saying that and depressing you more.

Look on the bright side though they were probably just trying to be nice and didn't mean anything by it.

Looking at everyone else's responses, I see that it's possible those with Sa are at greater risk for abusing alcohol, maybe..

 

[Sartana]

To add the other side in to this conversation maybe they like that they feel as though they're getting to see more of the real you and it's a chance to find out a little more about you. I doubt that it's all mocking and it's unfair to judge them because of it unless it really is outwardly offensive.

 

[Mickery]

To add the other side in to this conversation maybe they like that they feel as though they're getting to see more of the real you and it's a chance to find out a little more about you. I doubt that it's all mocking and it's unfair to judge them because of it unless it really is outwardly offensive.

Definitely. Also, if it makes you more relaxed and talkative, and you would like to be more relaxed and talkative, and people enjoy your company when you're more relaxed and talkative, I don't see the problem. It sounds like something worth keeping in mind when you have doubts about opening up.

 

[theslowesthand]

Someone on here (sorry, I badly wish I could remember who) described it thus: he only felt able to let out his true self while he was drunk

I feel like this, but only if i'm alone, not with people, if that makes any sense. It allows my true (& repressed) feelings/emotions to the surface.

Could you think of it this way? That they like you when you're drunk because they like the real you? The real you not all tangled up in anxiety?

Personally, even when "blind drunk" (& in company of others), i still can't "let loose", but maybe only just let out the odd "dodgy" remark. Which either means a) my true self is not associated with SA, or b) even alcohol can't loosen my inhibitions. I really think its (a), that my true self is just "not into people" (that is, i would still be the same with people without my SA.

So, in summary, i beleive there are 2 types of SA:
A) People who just aren't gregarious/sociable/etc (their natural personality), and no amount of alcohol can change this (but it can cause them to play the role of a greagrious/sociable person, as they temporarily lose their fears)
B) People who ARE gregarious/sociable/etc by nature, but who also have "genetics/trait social-anxiety", which interferes with the expression of such

 

[tenuous~hold]

Could you think of it this way? That they like you when you're drunk because they like the real you? The real you not all tangled up in anxiety?

that was nice, & hopefully helpful.

i agree about the lubricant part, absolutely. it does tend to allow you to loosen up & have fun. of course until it becomes too much fun, & then it can be the reverse.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I've never drank - tried some, of course... I'm Irish; but I've never been tipsy or drunk and I prefer no booze.
Never wanted to be at bars or parties and whenever I do end up at one by coincidence; people often insist that I drink because
"We wanna get you drunk! It'll be so fun!!"

People generally think it's funny to see someone make an ass of themselves while they're drunk.
It's for their own entertainment.

Entertain yourself - do what you want.
If you want to drink because you think it helps you 'loosen up'; go ahead, but know your limits.
If you don't want to drink, then don't.

My trick is to always have a glass or a bottle of 'something' (water or soda) in my hand.
As long as there's something in my hand, most people won't bother to give me something else or force more drinks upon me.

Just brush off their comments about you being more fun or more 'real' when you're drunk.
If that's not who you want to be, then that's not who you are. You are who you want to be.

 

[MikeyC]

"We wanna get you drunk! It'll be so fun!!"

People generally think it's funny to see someone make an ass of themselves while they're drunk.
It's for their own entertainment.

Yeah, absolutely. It's more worrying when you don't drink these days.

I try to watch how much I drink at my mate's place, and he's always saying, "you're drinking far too slow." So I drink more than I want and I feel hungover in the morning. Needs to stop.

 

[MrJones]

Yeah, absolutely. It's more worrying when you don't drink these days.

I try to watch how much I drink at my mate's place, and he's always saying, "you're drinking far too slow." So I drink more than I want and I feel hungover in the morning. Needs to stop.

I guess one of the few good things of not having friends is that I have not the need to deal with peer pressure

 

[Sora]

Yeah, absolutely. It's more worrying when you don't drink these days.

I try to watch how much I drink at my mate's place, and he's always saying, "you're drinking far too slow." So I drink more than I want and I feel hungover in the morning. Needs to stop.

Screw that! drink at the pace you want to! Tell him your enjoying your drink and taking your time, there is no rush! Too many people binge drink these days!

Also if you want to not drink at all, then don't! Don't let people make your choices for you or pressure you into one!

 

[MikeyC]

Screw that! drink at the pace you want to! Tell him your enjoying your drink and taking your time, there is no rush! Too many people binge drink these days!

Also if you want to not drink at all, then don't! Don't let people make your choices for you or pressure you into one!

I admit to binge drinking. Last time I did that was the day me and my ex split. That was not a good time to drink, I'll tell you.

Last year I got into such a state from binge drinking (long story - will explain another time) that it has turned me off alcohol, or at least drinking to that extent, ever again.

You're right, I shouldn't be pressured, but I always certainly am pressured. I want to drink at my own pace (or not at all), which is what I always try to do.

 

[Sora]

I admit to binge drinking. Last time I did that was the day me and my ex split. That was not a good time to drink, I'll tell you.

Last year I got into such a state from binge drinking (long story - will explain another time) that it has turned me off alcohol, or at least drinking to that extent, ever again.

You're right, I shouldn't be pressured, but I always certainly am pressured. I want to drink at my own pace (or not at all), which is what I always try to do.

Aye, I am not saying I don't binge drink, when I drink I do still binge drink but at my own pace, not at the pace my friends say. If they pressure me I just argue with them lol and if it gets too much I just tell them to shut up or I just change the subject. It usually doesn't happen now though. Eventually they will stop if you show resistance. At least this is what I have found.

Sorry to hear about your break up, your not alone I did the same thing. I drank more, I hadn't drank for a long time when going out with her. It was only special occasions, as soon as it ended I went out every week for a few months, then it got too much and I hated how drunk I was getting and I also stopped it now I am back to birthdays and holidays again. I have a weird relationship with alcohol, I hate it when I do it too often and I usually can't do it that much per week or I feel horrible!

 

[MikeyC]

Aye, I am not saying I don't binge drink, when I drink I do still binge drink but at my own pace, not at the pace my friends say. If they pressure me I just argue with them lol and if it gets too much I just tell them to shut up or I just change the subject. It usually doesn't happen now though. Eventually they will stop if you show resistance. At least this is what I have found.

Sorry to hear about your break up, your not alone I did the same thing. I drank more, I hadn't drank for a long time when going out with her. It was only special occasions, as soon as it ended I went out every week for a few months, then it got too much and I hated how drunk I was getting and I also stopped it now I am back to birthdays and holidays again. I have a weird relationship with alcohol, I hate it when I do it too often and I usually can't do it that much per week or I feel horrible!

Alcohol is a fickle friend. I love to hate it and I hate to love it.

Going out every week for months and drinking every/most times is quite a lot, so it's no wonder you got sick of it! I would, too. Special occasions is the best time, and even then I bet you would try not to overdo it. Social drinks only.

I should do the same, but I always submit and drink more because I don't want to upset my friends. Their whole life is drinking (more now than they did a year ago, I'm sure) so yeah, I have to keep up with them.