Does your sexuality contribute to your SA?

[Bustn Justin]

When I was in my teens I thought I was a straight male since I only wanted to be with women. I never had success with dating women since they would lie to me and use me.

When I was 20 I would go out and I had men come up to me to flirt and politely told them I am not into guys.

I always and still do fantasize about women. By the age of 24 I questioned my sexuality and found that I was becoming more attracted to men as well. When my feelings for men grew stronger I started wearing a heavy jacket of shame since I was not exclusive to women.

I went online to talk to gay/bisexual men and found I am more comfortable talking to men more than women.

I lost my virginity at 28 to a man. I met him online and then met him. I was real uncomfortable and increased my level of shame. To this day I have never had sex with a woman since I have a hard time talking to one and not knowing how to please one either.

Because of this I feel like less of a man since I turn to men instead of not trying harder to be straight and be with a female.

I keep this secret from my family because they have told me that if I come out they would disown me.

As well I have found that men do not want a relationship with me either and deepens my depression since now nobody wants me. I may have more options but that doesn't increase my chances of finding somebody to love me.

Personally I have no problem with gay or bisexual people. I just feel that my anxiety would be easier to treat if I was straight.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well, I have a different kind of story but yeah- I can see how my feeling asexual has contributed.
I was bullied alot in school for never having a 'boyfriend' when everyone else had one but I wasn't interested in having one nor did I understand attraction or the compulsion people have to feel they need a mate.
So, I would lie and say I liked so and so for the sake of fitting in.


Now, I feel I have so little in common with people that I don't even attempt to hang out with anyone because if girls start talking about 'boys' blahblahblah-- I'll feel left out and hate myself more for being unable to be more like them.

...if that all makes sense.
I just feel like a robot most of the time. I can't connect with people because I don't understand some crucial basic things about people.

 

[cowboyup]

to a degree, I understand where you're coming from.

My family was weird, they never wanted me to have anything to do with others regardless of male or female. To this day, I still don't know really what I am doing and question everything I do.

I messed up really bad in a while back when I had an affair with a MM and it was one reason why I lost my job.
Then I had an encounter with a married couple, and the woman was (my only) friend in school, she has since declared she was lesbian and she and her husband divorced because she had a 'crush' on me...

So, since I am convinced that I really don't know what I am doing and set myself up in bad situations, I just tend to stay away from people altogether because of that, if that makes sense.

 

[Hellhound]

I've never had an issue with my almost nonexistant sexuality, but a couple of friends can't get my gender confusion very well.

 

[Bustn Justin]

I've never had an issue with my almost nonexistant sexuality, but a couple of friends can't get my gender confusion very well.

That must be difficult to deal with.

 

[LadyWench]

I understand why this contributes to your anxiety and why you feel it would be easier if you were a straight male. I know this doesn't help much, but I will say that we can't help how we feel and we can't pick and choose our sexuality. Sometimes I wish we could. Some people's lives would probably be a lot easier if they were able to magically change their sexual orientation (no matter what it is). My sexuality has contributed to some of my social anxiety, though, yes. Especially around my family. While they are a bit open-minded about the subject of homosexuality and such, I think they would look at me quite differently if they knew that I was attracted to both sexes (and have been attracted to transgender folk, as well). My sexuality is kind of a wide spectrum and I just feel more comfortable around people that are gay, bi, etc., too. Sadly, I don't know very many people in person, though. Just a couple here and there.

 

[Bustn Justin]

The interesting thing is I am the most comfortable with straight males. Maybe because they think more women for them.

 

[LadyWench]

Well, I suppose it depends on the people you're with. Some are accepting and nice, while others...just aren't.

 

[laure15]

I'm straight but for some reason, I get mistaken for being into girls by other people. A while back, there were a couple of girls who think I'm a lesbian and started spreading rumors about me. I think my awkward behavior is to blame, because I get really anxious and have difficulty breathing in public places. The experience really changed me and now, when I'm in public, I try not to look too much at other people and minimize eye contact.

 

[Hellhound]

That must be difficult to deal with.

The gender confusion? Yes, it's a pain at times, not knowing what you are.

 

[JuiceB]

The gender confusion? Yes, it's a pain at times, not knowing what you are.

Individuals. That's what you are. Too much focus on sexuality and not enough on the person you are on the inside.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Yes totally. I'm a lesbian who has had practically no contact (even just eye contact) with a lesbian i'm attracted to. It's like they are another species I haven't met yet. It's hard to explain but I tend to let myself go, and from that I lose most of my confidence to go out, thinking I will never have a relationship anyways because it takes so much pursuit when the people you like are like 2% of the population. I give up on that part of life and then wonder why i'm depressed, only to come back to the reason of nonexistant relationship life.

 

[Flanscho]

I don't know. I'm very kinky, always have been. And that is important for me in a relationship. I'd get bored to hell with someone, who'd just want vanilla sex by schedule. So that means that when I search for a partner, and I notice that the partner is very old fashioned in this things, or just not interested in all, then I lose any interest. On the other hand, this means that I have something in common with possible kinky partners. Something that makes us curious on each other, and let's us build up something interesting and intense.

So yeah: this does reduce the chance of finding a partner. And when people talk in an intolerant way about others, no matter if it's about sexuality or something else, I get annoyed too, and will most likely dump them as friends.

 

[PhantomPod]

My gender confusion contributes a lot to my SA, honestly. Ever since I was little I would have kids ask me straight to my face, "are you a boy or a girl?" because I have always been very androgynous and a tomboy. Also, I was very athletic when I was younger, but I didn't really like that I excelled at sports cause I felt like girls weren't supposed to be athletic and I didn't want other kids making fun and calling me a boy. Just last year I had my own 5 year old cousin ask me if I was a boy or a girl. Luckily he asked me when it was just me and him though, like he didn't ask when any other family members were in earshot. That would've been embarrassing.

Right now, I have short hair and I dress very masculine. So, although I fully acknowledge that I look like a boy, the confusion that my gender brings to others causes me a lot of anxiety. If I am out by myself and I get mistaken for a guy in passing, I don't care so much. But if I am with others such as my family or co-workers, I get very anxious about being mistaken for a guy because it would cause an awkward situation and embarrassment. Like, I've gone out to a restaurant before with my co-workers and if I notice that the waiter is addressing people as sir or ma'am or miss, I get really nervous that the waiter is going to call me "sir" in front of my co-workers, so before the waiter can even saying something like, "and what can I get for you, sir?" I just interrupt them and just start giving them my order right away.

I have always mostly been into guys though. Basically, it's like I'm a straight female who looks like a butch lesbian. So, I do sometimes get to thinking that it would just be easier if I was a full blown lesbian, cause then at least my image in society would fit what people expected from me. I'd say that I'm pansexual, honestly, and I could like anyone, regardless of their gender.

 

[Flanscho]

PhantomPod: it's exactly the other way round for me. Funny.

The older I get, the less often I get adressed as "ma'am", but it still happens. And added to that is that my grandmother was from Russia, so I got a russian name. It's a guys name in Russia, but sounds like a girls name here. So whenever I'm at the waiting room of a doc, I'm called up as "miss" (or what the english equivalent is). And then all the other people look around, who the woman is that was called, and then I get up. And I wonder: what do they think? That I'm a pre-therapy m2f transgendered person? Or that I got some hormone problems? It's odd.

And you are right, sometimes it would be easier to love the same gender. I guess in my life, I had more guys after me than girls. And those guys wouldn't expect me to fulfill the masculine role clichés either. The world is a curious place.

 

[Nathália]

Kind of, I just don't like to make people uncomfortable because that makes me even more uncomfortable. It makes me nervous to even talk about it because I feel like I wouldn't get support. So I don't. I've been like this before my teen years and now that they're over, I still feel the same way and my opinion on it has not changed.

I'm not sure how clothes = feminine/dominate. I just see, I like, I wear and I don't care if you like it. Or how the role I decide to take in a relationship has to do with my sexuality because those two don't relate for me personally.. I just can have a meaningful feeling for anyone regardless of their sex/gender. I think my family would have a harder time with that than saying if I were gay, or BI, no matter how many times I explained it to them, the would think I'm really kinky or something. So I don't even bother the slightest with them *eye roll *.

My sexuality I don't even pay attention to it like that anymore. Unless I fantasize about a relationship, but other that, it's one of the last things on my mind because I'm trying to get to a point in my life where I am more independent and I wouldn't want to drag someone else into my bull. It would only contribute if I had to deal with certain people and they knew. * It's still not the time and I have a feeling it's not going to be for a while so I am cool.