sullyS25
Well-known member
Why are YOU on this site? What do you hope to get out of it? Do you want to change and be comfortable in your skin while in social situations?
I know when I joined this forum that I would have said that without a doubt I wanted to change and overcome my anxiety but looking back on my situation then, that really wasn't true.
Before I went to a psychologist/psychiatrist, I was so desperate to feel a part of something and I was so desperate to find an identity for myself because I felt like I was floating out into an abyss of nothing and could identify with nobody. When I went to the psychologist and they confirmed what I had already convinced myself of, I was honestly pretty happy to hear it because I could blame all my problems on Social Anxiety or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I found an identity, finally! The fact that I was also diagnosed as having clinical depression added to that identity.
So while I wouldn't admit it to most people and would even get mad when they would suggest it, I was attracted to feeling inferior and less than and I was attracted to the identity of being fearful around people because that is who I decided I was and if anyone suggested otherwise I would get angry because they were attacking my sense of self.
Today I realize that the sense of self I had developed for myself was false. It was my ego, plain and simple. I had always thought that people with big egos were always cocky, arrogant and full of themselves. What I have realized though is that it goes the other way too. People with big egos can either think very highly of themselves or very negatively about themselves, it is two sides of the same coin which is the ego, in my opinion. I believe it comes down to always trying to separate oneself from the majority. In the case of cocky and arrogant people, they maintain there sense of separation by claiming they are so much better than every one else. For people like me it was by claiming I was so much worse than everyone else. "Oh well if you think that's pathetic, look at me and my life, Im so much worse off than you are!"
I bring that up because when I would talk to people that would try and show me a different perspective on life or a different way of viewing things I would get pissed and say things like positive thinking is a bunch of pink, fluffy, nonrealistic BS and I would get pissed and say they just didn't understand me. The truth was that they were challenging my false sense of self and who I thought I was by showing me that there are other ways of viewing the world and myself. They were showing me ways to overcome my social anxiety and my inferiority complex but I refused to listen because I didnt want to change and I had so much invested in the identity I had mapped out for myself....."I am Sean S, I am a pathetic, shy loser and anyone that tells me otherwise doesn't understand me." I was so invested in my identity that when someone tried to help I would reject them because I truly didnt want to change.
Today I do want to change and I am open to hearing other peoples opinions and perspectives. Sometimes I still have an investment in that identity but I have changed a lot and I am motivated to continue changing.
SO my question for you is....do you really want to change or do you have a lot invested in your identity of suffering from SA?
I know when I joined this forum that I would have said that without a doubt I wanted to change and overcome my anxiety but looking back on my situation then, that really wasn't true.
Before I went to a psychologist/psychiatrist, I was so desperate to feel a part of something and I was so desperate to find an identity for myself because I felt like I was floating out into an abyss of nothing and could identify with nobody. When I went to the psychologist and they confirmed what I had already convinced myself of, I was honestly pretty happy to hear it because I could blame all my problems on Social Anxiety or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I found an identity, finally! The fact that I was also diagnosed as having clinical depression added to that identity.
So while I wouldn't admit it to most people and would even get mad when they would suggest it, I was attracted to feeling inferior and less than and I was attracted to the identity of being fearful around people because that is who I decided I was and if anyone suggested otherwise I would get angry because they were attacking my sense of self.
Today I realize that the sense of self I had developed for myself was false. It was my ego, plain and simple. I had always thought that people with big egos were always cocky, arrogant and full of themselves. What I have realized though is that it goes the other way too. People with big egos can either think very highly of themselves or very negatively about themselves, it is two sides of the same coin which is the ego, in my opinion. I believe it comes down to always trying to separate oneself from the majority. In the case of cocky and arrogant people, they maintain there sense of separation by claiming they are so much better than every one else. For people like me it was by claiming I was so much worse than everyone else. "Oh well if you think that's pathetic, look at me and my life, Im so much worse off than you are!"
I bring that up because when I would talk to people that would try and show me a different perspective on life or a different way of viewing things I would get pissed and say things like positive thinking is a bunch of pink, fluffy, nonrealistic BS and I would get pissed and say they just didn't understand me. The truth was that they were challenging my false sense of self and who I thought I was by showing me that there are other ways of viewing the world and myself. They were showing me ways to overcome my social anxiety and my inferiority complex but I refused to listen because I didnt want to change and I had so much invested in the identity I had mapped out for myself....."I am Sean S, I am a pathetic, shy loser and anyone that tells me otherwise doesn't understand me." I was so invested in my identity that when someone tried to help I would reject them because I truly didnt want to change.
Today I do want to change and I am open to hearing other peoples opinions and perspectives. Sometimes I still have an investment in that identity but I have changed a lot and I am motivated to continue changing.
SO my question for you is....do you really want to change or do you have a lot invested in your identity of suffering from SA?
