Do you REALLY want to change?

[Flyingheart]

Yeah, I'm the same. I really do want to change but it's hard breaking out of what you're used to, how you're used to "seeing things" etc. I don't know if simply by doing things I'm not used to, for me, is going to help though. I believe that I need to stop thinking so negatively all the time. I'm already doing things that make me uncomfortable but if my state of mind does not change, I won't.

 

[emre43]

Yes, I want to change.

 

[beobachter]

The term "social anxiety" smacks of a "disorder that can be remedied". Maybe it can be for some SA'ers, but i think for many ro most there is no real answer.
So what about, along with the term "social anxiety disorder" (SA or SAD), which may or may not be remedied, we also use a term for those people who's SA cannot (or might not) be cured --> "social anxiety trait" (SAT) (???)


People can "smell fear" in "trace amounts", and if we have trait anxiety & such, then the future won't be bright concerning people, as we might not be able to avoid feeling fear-related feelings around people, which is the ABSOLUTE BIGGEST TURNOFF for (normal) people, as it affects how THEY feel
Maybe that's why i've actually never tried to seriously work on my social problems, getting a social life, gaining/keeping friends, etc ... as deep-down I just KNEW it was hopeless (??)

I don't think achieving happiness and connection is hopeless. I just wonder if some of us carry around false assumptions about what exactly we need to change about ourselves. I don't think my real problem is social anxiety per se- of course I feel crippling anxiety around people, but maybe that is a symptom of a more fundamental problem. It isn't just that I am afraid to express myself, it is that it often seems I have nothing to express at all. The fact that I seem to have no impulse to communicate anything, no compelling thoughts or feelings to share in most interactions, is what really disturbs me.
It is natural to assume that since the problem presents itself as fear, if we want to change then we ought to just confront the fear by exposing ourselves repeatedly to the troubling situations. Also, since socializing is a skill that we evidently haven't honed enough, we are told that practice will eventually make perfect. Maybe this works for some people with SA/AvPD and I don't mean to discourage anyone who finds this effective, but I don't think I'm alone in saying it has almost never worked for me. Maybe this is because my real problem isn't my fear of social situations or a lack of practice (even though these deficiencies are where I experience the most powerful negative emotions). It's not just a lack of courage to open up to others, it's a lack of courage to be myself on a greater scale, to really live the life I want to live. That's why I wind up in so many situations that don't seem to suit me, in which I feel so out of place and muted. It makes me distant socially because I also can't be content to be insincere with others in order to fit in and appear normal, as many people doubtless do.
If I could affirm myself, if I could live my own life according to my own interests (whatever they are), I would probably just attract some people and repel others at a normal rate and not fixate so much on whether I am meeting their expectations. How to affirm myself, how to live my own life without bowing to the expectations I perceive other people have of me? I have been contemplating and experimenting with that for the better part of a decade, and I would not like to waste too many more years in this inhibited state.

 

[recluse]

In a way i am resisting change because a part of me enjoys being a non-comformist/rebel. I feel angry when people say ''you're quiet, you're so shy'' etc because i think they are trying to change me and become a sheep like them.

 

[R3K]

i think there are infinate paths a person's sociability can take. society just uses this blanket term to encompass the less outgoing ones (us social phobics,) and of course we have no voice to debate it. my fear, frustration and anger grew in coincidence with the constant and unshakeable anxiety that's been with me for as long as i can remember. take the fear and anger away, and there's nothing left of me.

to change anything would mean starting over from scratch as if i were born yesterday - i'd rather keep going forward and use what i have and see where it takes me than join the trends and clichès of the popular world

 

[theslowesthand]

I don't think my real problem is social anxiety per se- of course I feel crippling anxiety around people, but maybe that is a symptom of a more fundamental problem. It isn't just that I am afraid to express myself, it is that it often seems I have nothing to express at all. The fact that I seem to have no impulse to communicate anything, no compelling thoughts or feelings to share in most interactions, is what really disturbs me

ie "Social Anxiety Trait" (SAT), as its sth that can't be remedied but is a permanent fixture in the personality

It is natural to assume that since the problem presents itself as fear, if we want to change then we ought to just confront the fear by exposing ourselves repeatedly to the troubling situations

I guess these sorts of issues are "problems", as when we have them we internally judge them as "bad", try to "fight"/resolve it, and so feel various fearful/upsetting feelings as a result.

Also, since socializing is a skill that we evidently haven't honed enough, we are told that practice will eventually make perfect. Maybe this works for some people with SA/AvPD and I don't mean to discourage anyone who finds this effective, but I don't think I'm alone in saying it has almost never worked for me

Correct, you are not alone in saying that. I've tried over the years (eralier in my life) YOU NAME IT to try to improve with people, but nothing ever changed at all. All sorts of methods, systems, mental techniques, have i tried, but to no avail. Which is why, even back then when i was trying stuff out, in the back of my mind i kind of knew it was all futile (so i didn't give up without a long fight!)

it's a lack of courage to be myself on a greater scale, to really live the life I want to live. That's why I wind up in so many situations that don't seem to suit me, in which I feel so out of place and muted. It makes me distant socially because I also can't be content to be insincere with others in order to fit in and appear normal, as many people doubtless do.
If I could affirm myself, if I could live my own life according to my own interests (whatever they are), I would probably just attract some people and repel others at a normal rate and not fixate so much on whether I am meeting their expectations. How to affirm myself, how to live my own life without bowing to the expectations I perceive other people have of me? I have been contemplating and experimenting with that for the better part of a decade, and I would not like to waste too many more years in this inhibited state.

I have never been able to "mesh" my personality with being around others. Not even close. Polar-opposite needs. How do you do so when whenever you're around people you just want NOT to be?. That's "who i was" - somebody who was AWAY from people for most of time, and not used to talking to people. How could i "be myself" around people, if "myself" was someone who was NOT AROUND PEOPLE (ie very seldom talked to people, and certainly never "connected" with them)?. But in saying that, and after having spent the last 10 or so years mostly alone (so have done much "soul searching"), i have a vague feeling that things have improved somewhat. Maybe it's due to having a broader outlook on life, or not worrying about things so much. I feel that i am "relating" slightly differently than i always used to. But the thing is, i also have now got some rock-solid habits/ways, so even if i was indeed "getting better" with on the people-front, i still won't ALLOW myself to socialise/etc. I guess i just don't want to change my lifestyle, or i'm too scared to, or both.

 

[redhead042]

I feel the same, the biggest motivator for me is being able to take of myself financially if i had loads of money i probablly wouldn't bother

 

[onefourthree]

This is why I feel like I am holding onto these feelings because I am afraid to let them go. I am unwilling to change because deep down inside I like to feel inadequate and play the victim.....For ME, this must change and I must take risks. I truly to not enjoy the suffering and am not willing to put up with it any longer.

That's pretty much how I feel, I think.

I'm kinda confused about everything, to be honest. I want to change but I never take action, I never attempt to. Maybe it's because I feel safe just NOT trying to change, not trying to get out there into the world and be social, do the things I NEED to do. I don't know. I always complain about how I am, though, I just never try to fix it. My boyfriend likes to say that I enjoy being a victim, that I like being this way... I'm starting to believe it. I'm just so extremely confused with how I feel.

 

[she1slander]

take the fear and anger away, and there's nothing left of me.

OR discovering a part of you that you failed to acknowledge before because of the fear and anger getting in the way.

i'd rather keep going forward and use what i have and see where it takes me than join the trends and clichès of the popular world

I like the last bit you said there... about using what you already have and see where it takes you... this is already a good place to start because when I get that thought in mind "I need to change", there has to be something about myself that I could use to my advantage which is likely to bring about that change.

Sometimes I don't like hearing/reading the phrase I need to change because I just find it too vague and too general and it's hard to figure out where to start. And if I can't figure out where to start, then it's no wonder I don't change. Sometimes I just go with my instinct on what I could do better. ie: Instead of just walking passed people I don't know and not making eye contact, try to make eye contact and then smile. And once that's accomplished, take it to the next level and just say "Hi!" and wave or smile and walk away. 'Cause if I know I've been isolated for many days and all of a sudden realise that I need to change my habit by saying to myself "be more social", I'd end up clamming up instead. So from now on I just do the opposite of what I normally do on a usual everyday encounter with people. If you really want to "CHANGE", don't force yourself to do certain things that you find is impossible to do in your mind or get terrified at the thought of doing what you're not accustomed to. Try to, no don't try, DO be aware of your own actions and the thoughts that are going through your mind if you truly want to change. Be specific on what you could do differently but take it as an experiment. It's not like you're trying to be something you're not 'cause no matter what you try to do, you're still gonna be your usual self with a few improvements.

 

[she1slander]

I'm already doing things that make me uncomfortable but if my state of mind does not change, I won't.

Interesting. Here's a question for you: If it's not your mind, what about your heart? Does your heart tell you to change? If so, then LISTEN to it. It usually leads you to great places. If you heart doesn't want you to change, then you won't and your mind won't produce thoughts that will motivate you to make the effort.

 

[R3K]

...still gonna be your usual self with a few improvements.

this is what i'm aiming for. keep my sense of self, but train myself to appear normal (socially.) so i can benefit from the world and hopefully people can benefit from me once i figure out how to contribute to society.

discovering a part of you that you failed to acknowledge before because of the fear and anger getting in the way.

what other parts of a person are there even? a person has fear, anger, and compassion...

i been trying your tactic of small social challenges also. like instead of just saying "how you doing?" as quickly and quietly as possible to the cashier at a store, i'll say "how are you?" with a little more emphasis and actual interest beyond just the feigned formality.

baby steps... crap is gonna take forever. maybe when i'm 50 i'll have trained myself to be socially apt and i can start living. yay, 50 years of social training before you can start living if you're a social phobic. so fun. .

 

[she1slander]

this is what i'm aiming for. keep my sense of self, but train myself to appear normal (socially.) so i can benefit from the world and hopefully people can benefit from me once i figure out how to contribute to society.



what other parts of a person are there even? a person has fear, anger, and compassion...

i been trying your tactic of small social challenges also. like instead of just saying "how you doing?" as quickly and quietly as possible to the cashier at a store, i'll say "how are you?" with a little more emphasis and actual interest beyond just the feigned formality.

baby steps... crap is gonna take forever. maybe when i'm 50 i'll have trained myself to be socially apt and i can start living. yay, 50 years of social training before you can start living if you're a social phobic. so fun. .

It does take baby steps so that you won't feel like you're turning into someone you're not. Or at least that's what it may feel like when you're trying to change. And about the part where you're asking someone "how are you?" to show that you not simply saying something by impulse without giving it much thought, that's a really good start. To me, the way you described the approach as "beyond... formality", it shows that you're a thoughtful and sensible individual. Someone who actually cares or shows genuine concern for the welfare of others. Maybe in some days you don't feel like talking to people, and that's okay because I'm one of those who dreads asking simple, common questions to people that I don't have the patience to hear for answers. But I'm working on that. ::

Sometimes you just gotta show interest in people in order for people to reciprocate. I think that's where "the law of attraction" comes into play. In order for people to find you interesting, you kinda have to be interested in them first. There are people that I've come to know easily because they have an aura, a presence that's so soothing and comfortable, that it makes people want to get to know them more. Another thing is being a good listener. When people know that you are a good listener and take the time to understand them, you have more advantage than a person who loves to talk and only wants his/her voice to be heard.