Do you REALLY want to change?
- Thread starter sullyS25
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
A question to you all:
What do you think will lead you to faster progress?
1.Pretending that you want something even if it's not in your actions
2. if you're choosing to not change, consciously realizing that you want your safe zone more than you want to change, saying "Luckily one day my wants will change" and not pressurizing yourself about it?
What do you think will lead you to faster progress?
1.Pretending that you want something even if it's not in your actions
2. if you're choosing to not change, consciously realizing that you want your safe zone more than you want to change, saying "Luckily one day my wants will change" and not pressurizing yourself about it?
this is a great question and one when i ask myself, i cant answer.im all over the place, do i want to change certain things?sure a few are..
1-i would like to stop living inside my head so much.my thoughts entertain me, people dont, they drain me.i would like to feel genuine anticipation and excitement to see people/friends and enjoy their company.
2-i would like to be more outgoing but this is very difficult to change.i am who i am, very introverted and get drained easily in social situations.plus i have tried to be more outgoing and many social things i just dont get or enjoy.
i find that when im living my own little burrowed life i see no reason to change BUT like everyone else, i am often forced to be around others and go out once in awhile..its these times that make me feel like there is a life outside of what im living, a life that needs to be lived.i feel like such an outcast and do detached though so it makes it hard.
as we all know true change takes alot of work, especially for avoidants.im not nearly lonely enough to pursue serious relationships or even friendships but there are times when i feel empty enough but those are rare..
1-i would like to stop living inside my head so much.my thoughts entertain me, people dont, they drain me.i would like to feel genuine anticipation and excitement to see people/friends and enjoy their company.
2-i would like to be more outgoing but this is very difficult to change.i am who i am, very introverted and get drained easily in social situations.plus i have tried to be more outgoing and many social things i just dont get or enjoy.
i find that when im living my own little burrowed life i see no reason to change BUT like everyone else, i am often forced to be around others and go out once in awhile..its these times that make me feel like there is a life outside of what im living, a life that needs to be lived.i feel like such an outcast and do detached though so it makes it hard.
as we all know true change takes alot of work, especially for avoidants.im not nearly lonely enough to pursue serious relationships or even friendships but there are times when i feel empty enough but those are rare..
maybe sully and others can understand but i have a hard time understanding if i should force myself out in social situations more or less.im very introverted and people ask me to do stuff, i often decline but when i accept i find that i still have to force myself out to do things and i often dont enjoy doing whatever it is..so, it gets increasingly harder to keep forcing myself out but i also find i want to change so its confusing.internally there is a war going on and im confused and its ridiculous im 35 years old thinking like this.
sullyS25
Well-known member
That is a great question.....I don't know both attitudes don't seem very promising to me though...What do you think? I always enjoy what you have to share EscapeArtist.
sullyS25
Well-known member
I understand this....I feel the same but I try and force myself as much as I can as I truly want to change...it is always uncomfortable but I try and do it anyway
gustavofring
Well-known member
It's difficult. Thinking about changing too much, having it on your mind all the time often doesn't help for me. It makes me very self-aware and analytical 24/7.
I find the greatest times of progress I had was me not over-analyzing my situation all the time and just going with the flow. Often positive change happens when you don't even realise it I find, when things just fall in place and the pieces are moving. Plan it, and do it. Don't think too much.
I find the greatest times of progress I had was me not over-analyzing my situation all the time and just going with the flow. Often positive change happens when you don't even realise it I find, when things just fall in place and the pieces are moving. Plan it, and do it. Don't think too much.
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dancingintherain
Well-known member
not really. I like being alone then I can do all my hobbies in my free time. And anyway, nearly everyone I come across is horrible and judgmental in my area so it's best I hide in the shadows..
da_illest101
Well-known member
It's really hard to say. I think the times that I really wanted to change was when I was comparing myself to others. Let's say i'm at work and everyone is talking and me i stay in my corner not saying a word and they are laughing and having fun, I envy them. Not because i want to be talking with them, but because they are having fun to something I don't always enjoy. When you keep seeing people enjoying themselves like that, it begins to change your opinion on what you should consider fun (well at least for me).
Unfortunately for me, i don't think i can change without changing my personality. I always loved who i'm and respect the fact that how i enjoy living my life is not something popular and never will be.
Unfortunately for me, i don't think i can change without changing my personality. I always loved who i'm and respect the fact that how i enjoy living my life is not something popular and never will be.
I definitely want to change. I want to be more confident and social. I want to be a player like every other dude. I'm taking small steps to become my dream self. It takes a long time to actually get to where you want to. So I'm just setting small goals and once i accomplish those goals i set new ones. At the same time you have to worry about education and jobs otherwise i wont get anywhere in life.
da illest-thats the problem i have is i see others in groups laughing and enjoying themselves.then i force myself out and do the same thing but i have to fake the 'social' act and it sucks, i dont usually enjoy it.this just reinforces my avoidance.
sully-if i had to pinpoint stats here id say out of every 5 times i force myself(it takes alot of effort) out, i might somewhat enjoy 1 of those times out.the other times im either indifferent or just flat out bored or uncomfortable.so i find it getting harder to force myself, how are we supposed to change or get better when we constantly get dull results?thats why i almost keep reverting back to the idea that my hermit life is the type of life i should live and thats that.or am i just trying to justify my anxious and avoidant ways?i have no clue.
sully-if i had to pinpoint stats here id say out of every 5 times i force myself(it takes alot of effort) out, i might somewhat enjoy 1 of those times out.the other times im either indifferent or just flat out bored or uncomfortable.so i find it getting harder to force myself, how are we supposed to change or get better when we constantly get dull results?thats why i almost keep reverting back to the idea that my hermit life is the type of life i should live and thats that.or am i just trying to justify my anxious and avoidant ways?i have no clue.
polishgirl
Well-known member
I really don't know. Some part of me is so attached to being afraid of initiating contact with other that I am scared to think what would happen if I let my guard down. I want it so badly, though, I feel so jealous of people that are natural and feel good with themselves. But there is this other part of me that just can't imagine a life that is so open to pain and rejection.
Shant
Well-known member
I'm too stubborn and comfortable with all this to want to change.
Although it's made more complex by the fact that I've dissociated from a lot of the social anxiety by now; it's still there, but repressed, with a "not the real me" facade on top, which tends to not make it as debilitating.
As a result, I have absolutely no sense of personal identity, so I suppose I hold onto all of these problems as an unconscious desperate attempt to have something I can describe as myself.
Although it's made more complex by the fact that I've dissociated from a lot of the social anxiety by now; it's still there, but repressed, with a "not the real me" facade on top, which tends to not make it as debilitating.
As a result, I have absolutely no sense of personal identity, so I suppose I hold onto all of these problems as an unconscious desperate attempt to have something I can describe as myself.
beobachter
New member
I think this question gets at the ambivalence we feel about our avoidant tendencies. I have asked myself countless times whether I truly want to interact with people or would really rather be alone. Do I want to change? I tell myself different things. At times I feel a desperate desire to connect, but it seems impossible through the conventions of social interaction. Of course having no friends makes me unhappy, so I want to change, but I don't want to be the fake and awkward sort of person I would need to be to take the steps toward interaction. Unfortunately it is not just a matter of "forcing" myself through the awkward part until interaction supposedly becomes smoother; I have tried this and systematic effort has rarely led to genuine connection. I feel like the bluff is called fairly early on and I end up sneaking away- I can't maintain the necessary facades for long enough to get truly comfortable with anyone.
I wonder if my weirdness and isolation are the result of something deeper than just "social anxiety", something that can't be changed with self-help exercises and which it might be untrue to my nature to try to change. Sometimes it seems that I am just oriented differently from most people and am therefore uninterested in or clueless about what people are saying and doing in most social situations. As a result I have nothing to say and stay in my head. I feel bad about being distant and sometimes try to say something to appear normal, but what I say is insincere and comes across as awkward and stiff. I only make the effort out of feelings of guilt, self-consciousness about being aloof, and not wanting people to think I am snubbing them, or that I am completely boring or brain dead. When my attempts at socializing fall flat I feel even more self-conscious, inadequate and ill at ease, wondering why I have nothing genuine to contribute. I find it makes more sense not to put myself in these situations at all, since they result in no enjoyment or connection, and I feel that my presence makes others uncomfortable. But making no effort to reach out leads to depressive isolation, not to mention limits my professional prospects.
I do still want connection and I want to be able to enjoy the company of people occasionally, so how can I achieve this without exposing myself to such fruitless, humiliating experiences? Obviously I want and need to change, but I don't believe, even if I could become socially graceful, that ordinary social interactions would lead me to what I am really looking for. Maybe that is true for others who habitually avoid social situations- we know that avoiding perpetuates the dissatisfaction and loneliness, but we also know there is little or nothing to be gained from throwing ourselves out there. Is there an effective way to achieve connection that doesn't involve so much failure and that allows us to more readily affirm ourselves? Is the discomfort we usually feel around people an indication that society's established routes toward relationships just don't make sense for the way we think? Or is social anxiety nothing but a weakness to overcome? I've heard others talk of achieving self-acceptance- including accepting our introversion- and I think that is key, but how do you reach out in a way that comes from self-acceptance rather than a fear of disappointing others?
I wonder if my weirdness and isolation are the result of something deeper than just "social anxiety", something that can't be changed with self-help exercises and which it might be untrue to my nature to try to change. Sometimes it seems that I am just oriented differently from most people and am therefore uninterested in or clueless about what people are saying and doing in most social situations. As a result I have nothing to say and stay in my head. I feel bad about being distant and sometimes try to say something to appear normal, but what I say is insincere and comes across as awkward and stiff. I only make the effort out of feelings of guilt, self-consciousness about being aloof, and not wanting people to think I am snubbing them, or that I am completely boring or brain dead. When my attempts at socializing fall flat I feel even more self-conscious, inadequate and ill at ease, wondering why I have nothing genuine to contribute. I find it makes more sense not to put myself in these situations at all, since they result in no enjoyment or connection, and I feel that my presence makes others uncomfortable. But making no effort to reach out leads to depressive isolation, not to mention limits my professional prospects.
I do still want connection and I want to be able to enjoy the company of people occasionally, so how can I achieve this without exposing myself to such fruitless, humiliating experiences? Obviously I want and need to change, but I don't believe, even if I could become socially graceful, that ordinary social interactions would lead me to what I am really looking for. Maybe that is true for others who habitually avoid social situations- we know that avoiding perpetuates the dissatisfaction and loneliness, but we also know there is little or nothing to be gained from throwing ourselves out there. Is there an effective way to achieve connection that doesn't involve so much failure and that allows us to more readily affirm ourselves? Is the discomfort we usually feel around people an indication that society's established routes toward relationships just don't make sense for the way we think? Or is social anxiety nothing but a weakness to overcome? I've heard others talk of achieving self-acceptance- including accepting our introversion- and I think that is key, but how do you reach out in a way that comes from self-acceptance rather than a fear of disappointing others?
theslowesthand
Banned
The term "social anxiety" smacks of a "disorder that can be remedied". Maybe it can be for some SA'ers, but i think for many ro most there is no real answer.
So what about, along with the term "social anxiety disorder" (SA or SAD), which may or may not be remedied, we also use a term for those people who's SA cannot (or might not) be cured --> "social anxiety trait" (SAT) (???)
People can "smell fear" in "trace amounts", and if we have trait anxiety & such, then the future won't be bright concerning people, as we might not be able to avoid feeling fear-related feelings around people, which is the ABSOLUTE BIGGEST TURNOFF for (normal) people, as it affects how THEY feel
Maybe that's why i've actually never tried to seriously work on my social problems, getting a social life, gaining/keeping friends, etc ... as deep-down I just KNEW it was hopeless (??)
um wow beobachter hits a homerun with this post..it basically highlights what ive been trying to say for years now.one that i went over with my therapist..there arent any solutions either but im simply at the point where i dont even know if i should meet new people or not as this means i will be forced somewhat to talk to that person again and again and socializing is generally something i never enjoy.but living completely isolated isnt fun either so i have no clue.this also doesnt help that i truly dont have much to say to people..this is very evident after talking to me a few times..then conversations become meaningless and jammed with 'filler talk'..
smallestloser-i disagree, just because someone has fear or shows anxiety doesnt mean they will be rejected AS LONG as they know how to work with their anxiety..if the anxious person is highly critical of himself and gets angry, then this will make other shy away from them but if anxious person has somewhat accepted his anxious ways and makes light of situation, then he can be accepted..i know socially anxious people that have friends and girlfriends because they crave and enjoy socializing, being with people.an anxious person might have to take an extra step or put my effort into maintaining a relationship/friendship than a normal person though..for people like us though, putting in that extra effort isnt going to happen though as we dont seem to crave or want friendships/relationships that badly, or at all?
smallestloser-i disagree, just because someone has fear or shows anxiety doesnt mean they will be rejected AS LONG as they know how to work with their anxiety..if the anxious person is highly critical of himself and gets angry, then this will make other shy away from them but if anxious person has somewhat accepted his anxious ways and makes light of situation, then he can be accepted..i know socially anxious people that have friends and girlfriends because they crave and enjoy socializing, being with people.an anxious person might have to take an extra step or put my effort into maintaining a relationship/friendship than a normal person though..for people like us though, putting in that extra effort isnt going to happen though as we dont seem to crave or want friendships/relationships that badly, or at all?