Do you ever feel guilty.... ?

[lyricalliaisons]

Do you ever feel guilty for doing the things you can do?

Everyone expects so much from me that I can't do, like getting a job, going to school on campus, making important phone calls, & a lot of other things. But those are things that I can't do. I would have done them years ago if that were the case.
However, there are certain things I can do now that I couldn't do before. Within the last year, I've started to do a couple things I couldn't do even a year ago. One of those things is go to the movies. I can do that sometimes now, when I'm able to force myself out of the house & onto the bus at all. But it makes me feel guilty because people find out that I go to the movies occasionally & they then think that if I can do that, why can't I get a job? Why can't I fill out job applications alone? Why can't I find us a place to move to quicker?......
I can only go to the movies because it's quiet, dark, I'm usually the only one in the theater, there's no social interaction, etc. If more places were like that, I'd be able to do a lot more.

Do you ever find that if you can do just one thing, people start expecting you to do a whole lot more?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Binary thinking takes less effort and is default for many people. You're either up or down, black or white, crazy or not crazy. If acted like a social phobic before, then make progress and do some things you weren't before, it's easier to put you in the 'not crazy' category and get pissed off at you for not conforming to their simplified beliefs.

 

[Hellhound]

Binary thinking takes less effort and is default for many people. You're either up or down, black or white, crazy or not crazy. If acted like a social phobic before, then make progress and do some things you weren't before, it's easier to put you in the 'not crazy' category and get pissed off at you for not conforming to their simplified beliefs.

I agree...

 

[lyricalliaisons]

What you describe is not guilt, but regret.

Guilt is when you feel badly for something you did to other people.

You only feel badly for yourself.

To be capable of feeling guilt, you would first need to understand that your decisions to be a social hermit without a job actually does harm the people that love and care for you. If you were capable of that, you would be empathizing with others, which is a good start to recovery. Instead, your main concern is keeping their expectations low so you can get through this world on the path of least resistance.

They expect you to do more because you are capable of it. Refusing to even try is simple cowardice and over what?...not torture, or loss, or death, but only a few moments of discomfort. There's nothing good about that kind of life and you know it, or you would never have come here.

Wow. That's not true at all. You couldn't get much ruder. You don't even know me or how much I've done with my life, given my limitations. I would never leave such a comment to someone ever.

I don't regret that I'm not capable of doing the things everyone expects me to do, I just feel guilty that I can't, even though they want me to & I am expected to. I try to do those things. I have a vocational specialist who has been helping me try to find a job for over two years, I've put in numerous job applications, I've done a lot over these past few years, but nothing I do measures up to others expectations. I started college least year, which was very terrifying for me to do. I've had two semesters & have been too afraid to even leave the house, so how was I supposed to finish them? How can I be expected to get a job when I can't even leave the house two days a week for school, which is far less social than a job would be? Nothing I do equals what is considered "normal" & right. Nothing I do is enough for other people. I realize that not having a job affects both my & my mothers life, but that does not change the fact that I'm unable to be around people or talk to them or even leave the house over 90% of the time. The only time I leave the house is to go to the grocery store & that's terrifying for me & I hate doing it & I'm only gone a couple hours. Going to the movies once a month on average is the one thing I can do without a huge amount of fear & I don't think I should have to deny myself that just because some people think it's wrong.

Also I certainly did not make a "decision to be a social hermit without a job." I have always been this way. None of it was my decision. If I were not trying to help my life, I would not be in therapy, I would not have a vocational specialist, I would not see a psychiatrist & I would not be on meds. I am trying to help myself but things are much harder than they other people know.

I would hope that someone on a site such as this would realize that & not be so cruel, judgmental & presumptuous.

Comments like this is why I never used to post questions to forums.... I was always afraid of receiving negative, presumptuous replies from people.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

Binary thinking takes less effort and is default for many people. You're either up or down, black or white, crazy or not crazy. If acted like a social phobic before, then make progress and do some things you weren't before, it's easier to put you in the 'not crazy' category and get pissed off at you for not conforming to their simplified beliefs.

I agree with you, I had never thought of it that way before

 

[BrokenSailor]

same for me...the things i cant do are the things that i NEED to do that are essential to my survival.

 

[Hellhound]

I would hope that someone on a site such as this would realize that & not be so cruel, judgmental & presumptuous.

Comments like this is why I never used to post questions to forums.... I was always afraid of receiving negative, presumptuous replies from people.

Don't worry, don't let this keep you from posting... Most people here understand how you feel. If you ever get a comment like that it's only 1 out of many many many positive ones... ::

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I get the "Well, if you can do that, I don't see why you can't do this" comments all the time. People who don't have social phobia really do seem to have a difficult time understanding the disorder and picking-up on the differences between different kinds of socializing.

Like in your case, Lyric: isn't it obvious to everyone here on the forum that there's a big difference between sitting in a darkened room where basically no one can see you, and where it's actually forbidden to talk; and an office where it's bright and bustling and where people are constantly engaging each other and demanding things of you?

And I hear you loud and clear about people expecting more and more of you. The worst for me is when I'm with someone and we go to a mall or something. They'll say: See man, you don't have social phobia! And I'm thinking: Yeah, because I was with somebody. This mall is three blocks from my house and I haven't been inside it in eleven years! Ha Ha

 

[206Raider]

I can go many places alone, I feel I don't have much choice. I struggle with getting a job and I feel bad about that becuase I don't want to be jobless, I want to be able to do the things I want with a steady income, I want to never be anxious but I always am. What can I do? Nothing much works, I have my good days and bad days and this isn't a bad day I'm just tired but I need some relief, that's why I just want to get away, everyone always starts getting these expectations of me and I want to feel I can do things with no strings attached but it feels like everyone is watching my every move and I feel bad when I screw up.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

Thanks to everyone for their replies

 

[lyricalliaisons]

same for me...the things i cant do are the things that i NEED to do that are essential to my survival.

Exactly how it is with me The things I'm supposed to do are the things that are too difficult & the things I can do are things that aren't going to help me any. Not really, anyway.

I get the "Well, if you can do that, I don't see why you can't do this" comments all the time. People who don't have social phobia really do seem to have a difficult time understanding the disorder and picking-up on the differences between different kinds of socializing.

Like in your case, Lyric: isn't it obvious to everyone here on the forum that there's a big difference between sitting in a darkened room where basically no one can see you, and where it's actually forbidden to talk; and an office where it's bright and bustling and where people are constantly engaging each other and demanding things of you?

And I hear you loud and clear about people expecting more and more of you. The worst for me is when I'm with someone and we go to a mall or something. They'll say: See man, you don't have social phobia! And I'm thinking: Yeah, because I was with somebody. This mall is three blocks from my house and I haven't been inside it in eleven years! Ha Ha

People are always saying things like that to me, too. Even my mom, who should know what it's like for me because she's lived with me my whole life. I've even had therapists tell me that I was doing a fine job talking to them, so there was no reason I shouldn't be able to talk to other people. There's a huge difference between talking to a therapist who is supposed to be non-judgmental & trying to talk to a regular person.
I wish more people would get that there's a big difference between going to the movies for a couple hours once or twice a month & spending 8 hours a day with a bunch of people who are constantly talking, which is what a job would be like. Especially because I'd have to work at a fast food-type place in order to get any job at all & I could never handle anything like that.

I can go many places alone, I feel I don't have much choice. I struggle with getting a job and I feel bad about that becuase I don't want to be jobless, I want to be able to do the things I want with a steady income, I want to never be anxious but I always am. What can I do? Nothing much works, I have my good days and bad days and this isn't a bad day I'm just tired but I need some relief, that's why I just want to get away, everyone always starts getting these expectations of me and I want to feel I can do things with no strings attached but it feels like everyone is watching my every move and I feel bad when I screw up.

Part of the reason it's so hard for me to go places is because I have no support & have to do everything alone. I completely agree when you say "I don't want to be jobless, I want to be able to do the things I want with a steady income, I want to never be anxious but I always am. What can I do? Nothing much works," because that's exactly how I feel. It would be so much easier to have a life if it weren't for the anxiety. Everything would be better. I would have a career, my whole life would be changed.

 

[Falkor]

yes i feel guilty like almost every day, i say sorry all the time, i apologize for something i cant help... But i still feel guilty.
I can say guilty is a disease too :/

 

[apollo]

I do. There are certain instances where I can do things and come across as being outgoing and gregarious. So it seems that I don't show SA at all. But in other circumstances I am completely useless. That is what makes SA unique and peculiar. It is hard for others who don't have it to understand. People are quick to make generalizations. Being able to do a set of things as opposed to another does make me feel somewhat guilty.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I feel really guilty for not having a job and a really good job at that, because I am very capable of it at times. What makes me feel even worse is that everyone expected me to be successful and they still do. I mean I am 30 years old and I have basically excepted the fact I am never going to hold down a full time job and excepting that is hard to do.

I heard that.

I have so much trouble accepting my apparent fate that I sometimes try to convince myself that I'm really a slacker who doesn't care about success at all.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

People are always saying things like that to me, too. Even my mom, who should know what it's like for me because she's lived with me my whole life. I've even had therapists tell me that I was doing a fine job talking to them, so there was no reason I shouldn't be able to talk to other people. There's a huge difference between talking to a therapist who is supposed to be non-judgmental & trying to talk to a regular person.

I'm surprised your therapist said that to you, but I guess they were trying to build-your confidence up. But you're exactly right, when you're sitting there talking with your counsellor, it a CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT.

We know that the chances of the doctor calling us a weirdo or giving us a nasty look are basically nil. Where do you get that kind of reassurance out in everyday life?

 

[coriander1992]

I think I know what you mean! Like somebody else said, to people with SA there's a big difference between different types of social situations that "normal" people don't really understand.

The main thing is that you are making those improvements and that you yourself know that you are you're doing things you couldn't previously do, be proud of yourself.

 

[Predacon]

Do you ever feel guilty for doing the things you can do?

Everyone expects so much from me that I can't do, like getting a job, going to school on campus, making important phone calls, & a lot of other things. But those are things that I can't do. I would have done them years ago if that were the case.
However, there are certain things I can do now that I couldn't do before. Within the last year, I've started to do a couple things I couldn't do even a year ago. One of those things is go to the movies. I can do that sometimes now, when I'm able to force myself out of the house & onto the bus at all. But it makes me feel guilty because people find out that I go to the movies occasionally & they then think that if I can do that, why can't I get a job? Why can't I fill out job applications alone? Why can't I find us a place to move to quicker?......
I can only go to the movies because it's quiet, dark, I'm usually the only one in the theater, there's no social interaction, etc. If more places were like that, I'd be able to do a lot more.

Do you ever find that if you can do just one thing, people start expecting you to do a whole lot more?

I usually feel more guilty to myself. I keep thinking if I can do all these things why do I feel nervous doing all these other ones.

 

[Dronee]

I used to. I'm afraid I'm beginning to feel hatred instead of anything else. Anyway, to address the issue of 'trying'. Yes, the few people who know something about me here know that I did indeed try. My SA is probably not quite as bad as I don't really feel uncomfortable around my old friends (who are great people). But everything else, I managed to tough it out. Even conscription to 'serve the country'.

I did everything damn it. Got a job, made new friends. Make public speeches, work, got a good degree, won trophies in various things, be an officer in charge of dozens of people... and many other things. And all this, from being very anxious at even ordering a meal. Because my parents have some health problems and cannot work.

I grew up and 'toughened up'. I've a lot of problems like SA, chronic insomnia, OCD and several others. Physically, I've some old injuries at the joints, extremely dry skin that literally feels like it's ripping itself apart in air-conditioned environment, a nose that seems to be permanently blocked to the point that I often have to breathe through the mouth for hours on a bad day. I was also not very smart, both academically and streetwise.

But damn it. I made it to a degree and a job on my own without private tutoring or even encouragement or even much acknowledgement. It's the same old nonsense though. I still had all those problems and one day, I was momentarily blinded for a few seconds due to chronic insomnia and all the stress of trying to just go through everything. Completely suicidal.

Anyway, my point is that just trying to go headlong won't always work. We are humans after all, and there's a limit to things even if we don't admit it. Doing things step by step is better. Address the underlying issues.

Sorry for the rant btw. I'm just very mad right now. My father just told me off at night. Said he is ashamed to God that I don't listen to him and just sleep. Wtf seriously? There's nothing in the world I'd like to do more than sleep at night like a normal person. To not be anxious around people and expect judgments. To actually live like everyone else.

Guilty? Maybe in the past. Now I just feel a lot of hatred. Mostly I just feel empty. Right. Sorry for the rant anyway.

 

[minimalish]

Yes. Yes to your entire post. I feel like I'm letting other people and myself down when I can't keep an after school job, or pick up groceries, but I can go to the library.

I think it's difficult for people who don't have SA to understand that there are different levels of anxiety surrounding different things. But as someone who does understand, I'm telling you that you have no reason to feel guilty. The most people should ask is that you do your best, and you're doing that. Just feel good when you make progress by going to the movies, or whatever your next milestone is. Don't attach any negative feelings to doing something you couldn't before.

Now, if only I'd take my own advice.

 

[improperdancing]

I don't regret that I'm not capable of doing the things everyone expects me to do, I just feel guilty that I can't, even though they want me to & I am expected to. I try to do those things. I have a vocational specialist who has been helping me try to find a job for over two years, I've put in numerous job applications, I've done a lot over these past few years, but nothing I do measures up to others expectations.

Also I certainly did not make a "decision to be a social hermit without a job." I have always been this way. None of it was my decision. If I were not trying to help my life, I would not be in therapy, I would not have a vocational specialist, I would not see a psychiatrist & I would not be on meds. I am trying to help myself but things are much harder than they other people know.

You should be proud of yourself for trying so hard to change things. I'm 26 and in a similar situation as you. I was basically a hermit until about a year and a half ago, and among my first steps to get more comfortable with going out is going to the movies alone a couple of times a month. Since then, I've pushed myself to finish my bachelor's degree, and I've worked at a few offices as a volunteer for at least three months each. But still, I've never been able to get any kind of job on my own. I can't even apply for jobs because I'm convinced that I'll have a panic attack during an interview or, if hired, during simple social interactions with customers or something. And I'm too ashamed over my lack of qualifications to do anything. I've only put in 3 applications this past year, and they were for the types of jobs that I should have gone for when I was 16.

I feel horribly guilty because to everyone else, I seem like a bum. If I could manage my anxiety enough to show up for classes and do volunteer work, why can't I handle being judged in a job application and interview? If I have a degree, why am I applying for a job at a fast food place? I get asked those sorts of things a lot... I've also had a therapist tell me my SA wasn't visible when I talk to her, so other people probably don't notice my awkwardness as much as I'd feared. What a f*king stupid statement. Of course I'll feel less awkward around a person who already knows my problems, whose job it is not to judge me.

Sorry to make this about me. I could just relate so much to everything you've said. It's really sad and frustrating that no matter how hard I've tried to improve certain areas of my life, I've been made to feel like those aren't things I should be proud of because everything comes down to me still not having a job.