Nanita
Well-known member
LOL. Totally. Or he is a pimp :ironicsmile:
Diary publication thread of mine
- Thread starter Nanita
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LOL. Totally. Or he is a pimp :ironicsmile:
Nanita
Well-known member
Waow. I just completely had the realization that an old friend isn't that much of a friend anymore. That's so dissapointing.... I'm just trying to let it sink in. Then I will be able to accept it more and more, I guess.
Since we met, we've always had a mutual agreement or understanding that whenever one of us came to the city where the other one lives, we would always have a place to sleep over.
In a couple of weeks I'm going to the city where she lives. I tried calling her a couple of times last month but it was impossible to get her to pick up the phone or call back, therefore I texted her and asked if I could stay at her place the second weekend in March, and she pretty much answered "of course you can".
I did feel weird about her not taking any of my calls and never calling me back, because she isn't usually like that. I sometiems get tired of texting people I'm friends with, sometimes I just want a good phonecall and actually be able to listen to each other's voices.
To check up and see if I could still count on staying at her place, I just send her a message. Now it turns out I can't stay at her place becasue she doesn't get home until 8 pm on the night when I'm arriving. This is when it hit me that our friendship has definitely changed.
I then wrote to another friend that I don't consider as close friend, more like an acquaintance. This person answered right away: just come to my apartment whenever you get here, and I will give you my spare keys and you can come and go as you like, wether I'm home or not.
Wow. One door closes, and another door opens.
This is what I like to offer to people. I like when we are able to help each other. I'm not saying everybody HAS to open their home at all times. And I probably wouldn't be so open and giving in all situations. And I don't want to automatically expect that people just do whatever I need them to do. I just think life is difficult enough as it is, with all the shit we have to struggle with. I like to be able to just offer whatever I have, to people. I currently don't know a lot of people who ever ask me for anything though. I wish I did.
Since we met, we've always had a mutual agreement or understanding that whenever one of us came to the city where the other one lives, we would always have a place to sleep over.
In a couple of weeks I'm going to the city where she lives. I tried calling her a couple of times last month but it was impossible to get her to pick up the phone or call back, therefore I texted her and asked if I could stay at her place the second weekend in March, and she pretty much answered "of course you can".
I did feel weird about her not taking any of my calls and never calling me back, because she isn't usually like that. I sometiems get tired of texting people I'm friends with, sometimes I just want a good phonecall and actually be able to listen to each other's voices.
To check up and see if I could still count on staying at her place, I just send her a message. Now it turns out I can't stay at her place becasue she doesn't get home until 8 pm on the night when I'm arriving. This is when it hit me that our friendship has definitely changed.
I then wrote to another friend that I don't consider as close friend, more like an acquaintance. This person answered right away: just come to my apartment whenever you get here, and I will give you my spare keys and you can come and go as you like, wether I'm home or not.
Wow. One door closes, and another door opens.
This is what I like to offer to people. I like when we are able to help each other. I'm not saying everybody HAS to open their home at all times. And I probably wouldn't be so open and giving in all situations. And I don't want to automatically expect that people just do whatever I need them to do. I just think life is difficult enough as it is, with all the shit we have to struggle with. I like to be able to just offer whatever I have, to people. I currently don't know a lot of people who ever ask me for anything though. I wish I did.
Odo
Banned
Nanita
Well-known member
The trees are green, the flowers bloom everywhere, I can't belive how fast everything comes alive, how can plants grow so fast... I love watching it. In a way it also makes me feel like I don't enjoy it enough, like I'm missing most of it. I should be out more. I should have access to a garden right outside my door. I should be surrounded by trees of green. I should live in green. I should dye my hair green.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Me too, I would love a garden! I am growing some flowers and plants inside. Starting some African violets and geraniums, but I want massive flower beds and paths through big flower bushes...Big tall tomato plants and bushels of beans and corn. Trees too, would be nice. I have sage brush and juniper bushes. I miss trees!!
You would rock green hair too, btw
You would rock green hair too, btw
Nanita
Well-known member
Nanita
Well-known member
I just discovered that my ex boyfriend deleted/blocked me on skype.. I wanted for us to be friends, but it wasn't possible. He kept expecting us to get involved again. A while ago he got really angry or hurt when I explained that to him that we will never get back together. I also asked him to stop calling me cutesy nicknames and stop being flirtatious. Wow that made him pretty angry and then I guess he felt that he had to block me on skype. It's okay, I can live with that and it doesnt matter. But noticing it just feels weird. Like he decided we have to be some kind of enemies or strangers all of a sudden.
Nanita
Well-known member
Witnessing my dad rotting away more and more is the scariest horror story I know of.
Sits in a chair in his dirty filthy apartment. Watches tv. Drinks beer. Doesn't eat. Doesn't pick up tings that he dropped on the floor. He's skinny. He can't walk properly. His mind doesn't work anymore. He's alone. He sometimes falls in the shower and can't get up, lays on the floor for hours untill he manages to crawl towards something to hold on to, to get up. That's what he told my mom. They're divorced, but she visits him.
When I see him, I feel horrible. He affects me so much, emotionally and mentally. I don't want to see him much because I can't take it. After seeing him, I feel more of a nervous wreck than I already am.
I wish he could have done things to help himself before it got this bad. He could have gotten therapy to heal or at least understand the traumatic mess he has inside, because of his horrible childhood where he was abandoned.
He could have kept eating well.
He could have kept taking a walk everyday so his body would still be working.
He could have stayed in touch with those he was friends with.
He could have taken better care of me when I was little, so we would have a better relationship and I would want to be with him more now.
He could have taken me to playgrounds instead of bringing me to bars.
In a way I am rotting away too. Not in such an extreme way as my dad, but still, in some ways I am rotting away in isolation and passivity.
I condemn him for letting himself rotten, but I understand why and how - and I'm doing it myself.
-
He also has great qualities. Before his alcohol dementia, he was intelligent and had a great sense of humour. He used to be a wellknown actor and director in theatre. He had friends. He helped people. He travelled. He was in some movies. He was the boss of a little theatre that still exists, it probably wouldn't exist now if it wasn't for all the work he did there in the 70s.
He stopped working, he was too unstable, nervous, stressed out, needed alcohol to go to work, got in fights with people he worked with, needed everybody to behave in a certain way or he would get irritated/angry/get a nervous breakdown. Started drinking all the time to be able to stand himself and stand people around him.
I remember he used to make me afraid and nervous. He sometimes made fun of me in front of people, to make them laugh on my account. I was just a little girl.
He was always very fixated on sex and body types. He talked about women he had been with in the past. Gross. When i was around 11 he commented on how my body started to develop. Gross.
He would get irritated and yell at me, even if I did nothing but walk by him, he would say "stop bothering me, go to your room". When I wanted to show him a drawing I had made, he didn't want to see it and he would instead make me look at some old photograph of him on stage in a play. He needed my attention, he couldn't give me attention. He is the biggest narcissist. He needs attention from people around him, that's how he feels accepted and loved.
It's clear to me; all his need for attention is his stagnation in childhood, screaming for his own mother to love him, see him, hold him, and not abandon him like she did.
Nobody ever explained to me that his behaviour was sick/not acceptable. Nobody helped me understand all the fear and sadness inside me. Nobody wiped away the tears on my face.
What did my mother do? Nothing. She is the most passive person I know.
I have had realizations about my parents and about my childhood. I had to distance myself from them to be able to understand and realize things. Distance is needed. Therapists have also helped me understand it more.
Sits in a chair in his dirty filthy apartment. Watches tv. Drinks beer. Doesn't eat. Doesn't pick up tings that he dropped on the floor. He's skinny. He can't walk properly. His mind doesn't work anymore. He's alone. He sometimes falls in the shower and can't get up, lays on the floor for hours untill he manages to crawl towards something to hold on to, to get up. That's what he told my mom. They're divorced, but she visits him.
When I see him, I feel horrible. He affects me so much, emotionally and mentally. I don't want to see him much because I can't take it. After seeing him, I feel more of a nervous wreck than I already am.
I wish he could have done things to help himself before it got this bad. He could have gotten therapy to heal or at least understand the traumatic mess he has inside, because of his horrible childhood where he was abandoned.
He could have kept eating well.
He could have kept taking a walk everyday so his body would still be working.
He could have stayed in touch with those he was friends with.
He could have taken better care of me when I was little, so we would have a better relationship and I would want to be with him more now.
He could have taken me to playgrounds instead of bringing me to bars.
In a way I am rotting away too. Not in such an extreme way as my dad, but still, in some ways I am rotting away in isolation and passivity.
I condemn him for letting himself rotten, but I understand why and how - and I'm doing it myself.
-
He also has great qualities. Before his alcohol dementia, he was intelligent and had a great sense of humour. He used to be a wellknown actor and director in theatre. He had friends. He helped people. He travelled. He was in some movies. He was the boss of a little theatre that still exists, it probably wouldn't exist now if it wasn't for all the work he did there in the 70s.
He stopped working, he was too unstable, nervous, stressed out, needed alcohol to go to work, got in fights with people he worked with, needed everybody to behave in a certain way or he would get irritated/angry/get a nervous breakdown. Started drinking all the time to be able to stand himself and stand people around him.
I remember he used to make me afraid and nervous. He sometimes made fun of me in front of people, to make them laugh on my account. I was just a little girl.
He was always very fixated on sex and body types. He talked about women he had been with in the past. Gross. When i was around 11 he commented on how my body started to develop. Gross.
He would get irritated and yell at me, even if I did nothing but walk by him, he would say "stop bothering me, go to your room". When I wanted to show him a drawing I had made, he didn't want to see it and he would instead make me look at some old photograph of him on stage in a play. He needed my attention, he couldn't give me attention. He is the biggest narcissist. He needs attention from people around him, that's how he feels accepted and loved.
It's clear to me; all his need for attention is his stagnation in childhood, screaming for his own mother to love him, see him, hold him, and not abandon him like she did.
Nobody ever explained to me that his behaviour was sick/not acceptable. Nobody helped me understand all the fear and sadness inside me. Nobody wiped away the tears on my face.
What did my mother do? Nothing. She is the most passive person I know.
I have had realizations about my parents and about my childhood. I had to distance myself from them to be able to understand and realize things. Distance is needed. Therapists have also helped me understand it more.
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MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Nanna,
This is horrible. I am almost speechless. I want to give you a big hug and cry with you. I am so sorry, sweetie. I wish so badly someone was there to protect you from this awful treatment. Knowing you now and what a wonderful person and friend you are I would never has suspected you would have been subjected to such cruelty. And you are now watching him fade away...with all those memories ripping at you inside..This makes me so sad for you. I am really proud of you for opening up about it though. It will lessen the pain to talk about it. I am also so glad you're getting some help with these issues. I have had some similar issues with my dad who passed away in 2009. He was so sick for many yrs. It was so hard for me to watch also but then he wasn't alone, he had my Mom to watch over him. I was very depressed for yrs while he slowly died. I could never find a reason to be happy while he was fading away and we didn't have the best relationship either, always strained and uncomfortable. I never really felt he loved me. He was at times abusive and cruel to me too. I had to leave my childhood house things got so bad. My Mom never stood up for me either. I have learned to forgive him, now that he is gone, he apologized to me before he died, and I miss him dearly even with all of it. That is what really gets me. No matter how bad you're treated by a parent it seems like for a child, at least in my case I will always remember the good in them. I hope you find the strength that I know you have inside you to get through this with him. I am here for you as a friend, please know this. xoCat
This is horrible. I am almost speechless. I want to give you a big hug and cry with you. I am so sorry, sweetie. I wish so badly someone was there to protect you from this awful treatment. Knowing you now and what a wonderful person and friend you are I would never has suspected you would have been subjected to such cruelty. And you are now watching him fade away...with all those memories ripping at you inside..This makes me so sad for you. I am really proud of you for opening up about it though. It will lessen the pain to talk about it. I am also so glad you're getting some help with these issues. I have had some similar issues with my dad who passed away in 2009. He was so sick for many yrs. It was so hard for me to watch also but then he wasn't alone, he had my Mom to watch over him. I was very depressed for yrs while he slowly died. I could never find a reason to be happy while he was fading away and we didn't have the best relationship either, always strained and uncomfortable. I never really felt he loved me. He was at times abusive and cruel to me too. I had to leave my childhood house things got so bad. My Mom never stood up for me either. I have learned to forgive him, now that he is gone, he apologized to me before he died, and I miss him dearly even with all of it. That is what really gets me. No matter how bad you're treated by a parent it seems like for a child, at least in my case I will always remember the good in them. I hope you find the strength that I know you have inside you to get through this with him. I am here for you as a friend, please know this. xoCat
Nanita
Well-known member
Thank you. So much.
For caring - and for telling about your own father.
Did things get easier for you after he died?
I wonder how I will feel after my dad dies.
I'm sorry you went through that
We do have things in common, it seems!
I'm happy to have met you here.
For caring - and for telling about your own father.
Did things get easier for you after he died?
I wonder how I will feel after my dad dies.
I'm sorry you went through that
We do have things in common, it seems!
I'm happy to have met you here.
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MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Loosing a parent is one if not the most difficult things we have to go through in this life. Since my Dad was so sick for many yrs I was always mentally preparing for the day it happened. It was always looming. I hear people say the death of someone when it is sudden is the worst but if your waiting for someone to die and you have the feeling of it looming imo it's far worse. They are suffering and your suffering with them. An instant death is no suffering really. He was fighting it the whole time too, so it was even more difficult to see the struggle to want to live still in him, but his body completely falling apart. There again watching someone who was once so strong and important in your life turn into basically a vegetable is heart-breaking...I did feel my heart breaking everyday he was alive and suffering. Similarly, he made me feel so sad and anxious seeing him and talking to him
In answer to your question it does get easier after they are gone because of the lack of pain they have to feel from being alive in no longer permeating your every thought. It is bittersweet relief of course... I did feel massive guilt in the relief of the end of his suffering.
I used to think about how sad it is he will never see this or that in my life,, but since I am not doing that great it's not like he's really missing anything. I
I have certainly been able to let go of my anger towards him for things he did and with time all that is left are loving feelings. I am a forgiving person in general so that part came pretty easy for me.
What your are going through with your Dad is the hardest thing you will ever go through. I hope that you can find some people to help you, I didn't have anyone close to help me so that was hard...you being alone dealing with this is so impossible for me to fathom..I at least had my Mom taking care of him and my brothers to go to if need be. Please keep reaching out for help there's no way you can go this alone. Keep writing out your feelings, making beautiful art and crazy-good music and talking to the lady counselor.I am here for you *super-massive-hugs*!!!!!!
In answer to your question it does get easier after they are gone because of the lack of pain they have to feel from being alive in no longer permeating your every thought. It is bittersweet relief of course... I did feel massive guilt in the relief of the end of his suffering.
I used to think about how sad it is he will never see this or that in my life,, but since I am not doing that great it's not like he's really missing anything. I
I have certainly been able to let go of my anger towards him for things he did and with time all that is left are loving feelings. I am a forgiving person in general so that part came pretty easy for me.
What your are going through with your Dad is the hardest thing you will ever go through. I hope that you can find some people to help you, I didn't have anyone close to help me so that was hard...you being alone dealing with this is so impossible for me to fathom..I at least had my Mom taking care of him and my brothers to go to if need be. Please keep reaching out for help there's no way you can go this alone. Keep writing out your feelings, making beautiful art and crazy-good music and talking to the lady counselor.I am here for you *super-massive-hugs*!!!!!!
Nanita
Well-known member
Thank you. I appreciate you writing that!
Thank you...! It makes me feel better to read your words of wisdom.
My older sister and brother have a different father than me, so I am pretty much alone with this. My mother takes care of my dad once in a while though. But it isn't helpful for me to talk about anything meaningful with her - but I'm glad that she's there for him, otherwise I would feel much worse and I would probably feel like I had to do practical things for him or stay more in touch with him, but I can't cause it brings me down and I want to protect my own emotional health and sanity...
I wish he could get some help around the house, with cleaning, laundry and proper food. But I think he feels uncomfortable with that idea. And no one can force him to eat properly... It's like he's just waiting to die. But that could be years of worsening health.
Thank you...
Nanita
Well-known member
Wow this looks like a must-read for me.
While walking outside in the beautiful sunshine today, I was bothered by strangers passing me by or looking in my direction.
I remember a time when I was never bothered by it, when I didn't feel anxiety.
I know it would make a difference if I was more used to being around people, rather than isolating myself. Maybe in the next days I will try experimenting with exposing myself more to humans.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
What a book!! love it!!
do you have a copy to lend me?
I think I have felt less anxiety, but it never goes away the more I am around people. However the enjoyment factor is never there. It seems to me no matter how much "exposure" I have to people I never enjoy it and always avoid it. :idontknow:
do you have a copy to lend me?
I think I have felt less anxiety, but it never goes away the more I am around people. However the enjoyment factor is never there. It seems to me no matter how much "exposure" I have to people I never enjoy it and always avoid it. :idontknow:
Nanita
Well-known member
For me, the more I isolate myself, the more I feel nervous around strangers when I am among them. For about 2 months last autumn, I didn't have internet connection at home, which forced me to bring my laptop to libraries or cafés to use wireless internet. At first I was bothered by having to go out and be around people more. But after maybe 2 weeks I noticed that it became easier for me to be among strangers on the street and at the library or whereever I went to use internet. Being around people more, actually reduced my nervousness and my extremely negative thoughts like "everybody thinks I'm weird", "I look weird" or "I will panic if someone comes close to me".
It doesn't solve all my anxiety of course, but isolation definitely makes my anxiety worse and makes me believe in the negative thoughts more.
But as always... everything in moderation... is a good way to go.