Diary publication thread of mine

Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
A trip to the supermarket is just a fu**ing 2 hour panic attack, because everybody stares at me. If people could turn their heads away after looking for a second, it wouldn't bother me that much. But noooo they have to keep looking. Don't they consider that it might make me uncomfortable? No they don't consider anything, they just stare.
Okay I admit it doesn't help that my hair is currently dyed in a blue colour, so maybe I'm asking for it anyway.


/
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
Wow what a f***ing stupid day and what a bad mood I'm in. When I get in a bad mood, it develops into depressive mood and I start thinking what a f***ing stupid life I have. I live in a lonely boring isloated prison nicely decorated with anxiety, insomnia, sore throat & migraines.

I was pretty happy the last couple of days, but that seems to dissapear and become meaningless when I enter depressive mood. And everything is coloured by emptiness now.
I played guitar, it sounded stupid. I looked in my wallet, it was almost empty. I ate some food, it tasted boring. I went for a walk, it was boring. I went to buy groceries, people annoyed me. I saw my reflection in a window and wanted to die.
 
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MollyBeGood

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Hii!(I didn't know you had one of these!) Aw, I know how you feel *hugs* it's days like that I want to make art the most but cannot. I wish I could take all of my negativity and capture it somehow, transmute it into another form, then burn it and forget it never to feel it again.. in my ideal artistic world.
I know sometimes I am so bored with everything in my life I feel I will die from the feeling of boredom and this makes me sooo angry with myself, being bored makes me hate myself even more. Oh yes and being broke really makes me feel even more worse!!!
I can only say that the feelings will and do always pass, you just have to ride them out. Wouldn't life seem to easy if we never had all this negativity to deal with...even more boring...ugh sorry, no noble advice from me...I can relate to you...
Was great chatting with you the other day btw you made me think about a lot of things I have been not thinking about, so thank you for your words and kindness.
I want to see your hair! I can only image the looks I would get in my town with blue hair! It would be fun to make a video and record peoples looks, a true testament to how closed minded people are.
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
Thank you so much... you just uplifted me and that is quite an accomplishment.

You're very right; the variation makes us notice and appreciate the good times more.
And believe me I do feel ecstatically good sometimes, often actually.
When I'm down I can't get much art done because everything looks stupid to me.... However I can sometimes (rarely) work through it and do something out of the ordinary, inspired by hatred and misery.

Also, in isolation I hone my skills. I would never have spent hours playing guitar or experienting with art, if I had a social life and things to do... In isolation I hone my skills....

Okay I will post my hair on the post ur picture thread then...

Yeah I could come to your town and we could document people's disturbed reactions!
 
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MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Having these days of complete depression, where nothing you do is fulfilling, hurts. April Snow is correct in saying you just have to ride it out and you will be okay. Watch your favourite movie with your favourite ice cream - that's a decent cure right there.

I hope you're okay and you can start enjoying the simple things again very soon. :thumbup:
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
Having these days of complete depression, where nothing you do is fulfilling, hurts. April Snow is correct in saying you just have to ride it out and you will be okay. Watch your favourite movie with your favourite ice cream - that's a decent cure right there.

I hope you're okay and you can start enjoying the simple things again very soon. :thumbup:
Click to expand...

Thank you!
I feel better today, much better.
I've taken a mental note of your suggestion to ride it out with ice cream and such :)
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Nanita said:
Thank you!
I feel better today, much better.
I've taken a mental note of your suggestion to ride it out with ice cream and such :)
Click to expand...
I'm thinking that instead of Xanax or other pills, doctors should prescribe ice cream. What do you think? ::p:
 
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Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
About dreams.

The night before yesterday I dreamt of John Lennon. He had a grey suit on. I said; I was born a couple of months after you died. He looked up from his notebook and simply said, "yes!".

Last night I briefly dreamt of Paul mcCartney, we sat down to write a song together but then the dream ended.

Later last night I dreamt I was in a horrible, violent cult. I was one of the leaders but I hated the other leaders. Scenarios of violence and humiliation. I decided to flee. I packed a backpack with some clothes and my computer. I walked through a room full of people. Somehow someone got hold of my backpack and when I got it back, the computer was missing. I started running out. I came to a big dark ship in dark water. Suddenly another girl was there. People came after us, shouting. We wanted to jump in the water and die. I then woke up crying.

-

I once knew a psychiatrist who told me that people usually wake up before they actually die in a dream. He said it's supposedly only psychotics who dream that they die.

A while after he had said that, I dreamt that I was dying of cancer. I sat on a floor and I was litterally dying. A few family members sat around me and they said goodbye. I wasn't scared or sad, I was just weak and ready to go. Then I felt myself become lighter and I began floating up towards the ceiling of the room. I opened a window and flew out/floating.

Maybe I was psychotic during that time.. I don't think so though.
 
Odo

Odo

Banned
I've had dreams where I died and broke on through to the other side and I don't think I was psychotic. But I'm not sure if I was actually dead or just telling myself that I was. I think I read somewhere that death doesn't always mean death... it means change of some kind. So if you flew away maybe it was representing a positive change and afterwards you felt liberated.

I really envy your ability to remember your dreams!
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
Nanita said:
I once knew a psychiatrist who told me that people usually wake up before they actually die in a dream. He said it's supposedly only psychotics who dream that they die.

A while after he had said that, I dreamt that I was dying of cancer. I sat on a floor and I was litterally dying. A few family members sat around me and they said goodbye. I wasn't scared or sad, I was just weak and ready to go. Then I felt myself become lighter and I began floating up towards the ceiling of the room. I opened a window and flew out/floating.

Maybe I was psychotic during that time.. I don't think so though.
Click to expand...

Huh. I once had I dream where I died. I was shot (it was arrow) and I died. Everything went black. I woke up a few seconds later thinking I really had died. I didn't act psychotic or think any such thoughts back then.
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
Odo said:
I've had dreams where I died and broke on through to the other side and I don't think I was psychotic. But I'm not sure if I was actually dead or just telling myself that I was. I think I read somewhere that death doesn't always mean death... it means change of some kind. So if you flew away maybe it was representing a positive change and afterwards you felt liberated.

I really envy your ability to remember your dreams!
Click to expand...

The psychiatrist I knew was a really bad one, and he has actually been fired after endless complaints by clients who were misdiagnosed and over-medicated. He's a real scumbag. The last time I saw him was when he threw me out of a grouptherapy session, after I said I didn't believe he was the right therapist for me. He has tricked many people into believing they were "psychotic" when they only suffered from say depression or anxiety. And one client died young because of too much/wrong medication.
Fortunately, I never believed his nonsense. But most people will believe what a psychiatrist tells them. They shouldn't. Always question everything, I say! And never automatically believe what authorities tell you! Yearhhh revolution!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay now I'm going a little too crazy.

I used to imagine the psychiatrist getting fired and publically humiliated, and my wish came true :bat:

Rawz said:
Huh. I once had I dream where I died. I was shot (it was arrow) and I died. Everything went black. I woke up a few seconds later thinking I really had died. I didn't act psychotic or think any such thoughts back then.
Click to expand...

I think that sounds like a fascinating dream actually....... Oh no I don't believe only psychotics have dreams where they die; the psychiatrist who told me so, is out of his mind :kickingmyself:
 
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