Diary publication thread of mine

[Newtype]

I have just been 1 month in Greece visiting my boyfriend
Thoughts of creating a break up evolved into thoughts n plans about what we want to do together
Now, a little more confused than ever - or as confused as usual -
Though.. also feelings of freedom and f*ck safety & conventions

Nanita!!!
Don't see confusion as a bad thing. In my battle against SA, confusion has been a strong ally. It alerts you that something is wrong. Confusion is honest, it tells the cold hard truth about you. It enables you to rethink everything that you have done and to analyze it. When you find what you have been doing wrong, you can change and make progress. Make good use of it and don't let it linger for too long.
Did you enjoy your trip?

 

[Nanita]

@ Feathers: Thank you girl. I like fairytales & adventures.... And isn´t life just one fairytale... in my opinion, life -and anything physical, are illusions that we are born to believe in/take seriously, to take full part in life....................................
Anyway : whatever happens, happens..!

Nanita!!!
Don't see confusion as a bad thing. In my battle against SA, confusion has been a strong ally. It alerts you that something is wrong. Confusion is honest, it tells the cold hard truth about you. It enables you to rethink everything that you have done and to analyze it. When you find what you have been doing wrong, you can change and make progress. Make good use of it and don't let it linger for too long.
Did you enjoy your trip?

Thanks! Yeah I´m just damn tired of feeling confused and out of place/out of touch with my "path", if there is one, I believe there is a path, but I can´t see it. I´m like floating never landing

It was a great trip, with lots of sunshine, and with some bumps and surprises...challenges.
Before going, I had been questioning our relationship, not because it was going badly, but because of distance and my own worries and anxieties about being in a relationship, meeting people in his life, and going places, leaving the comfort zone.
But pretty soon it was clear to me that I don´t want to walk away from him.. we just love&like each other more n more every day, and we´re not going to give up on that..

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad you had a good time. Go along for the ride with your boyfriend, Nanita, and hopefully it'll work out.

 

[Newtype]

Thanks! Yeah I´m just damn tired of feeling confused and out of place/out of touch with my "path", if there is one, I believe there is a path, but I can´t see it. I´m like a feather floating never landing

It was a great trip, with lots of sunshine, and with some bumps and surprises...challenges.
Before going, I had been questioning our relationship, not because it was going badly, but because of distance and my own worries and anxieties about being in a relationship, meeting people in his life, and going places, leaving the comfort zone.
But pretty soon it was clear to me that I don´t want to walk away from him.. we just love&like each other more n more every day, and we´re not going to give up on that..

I believe there is a path as well. I am searching for it too.
I'm glad that you enjoyed your trip and that something good came out of it. Keep facing your fears and one day you won't be scared anymore.

 

[Nanita]

I'm glad you had a good time. Go along for the ride with your boyfriend, Nanita, and hopefully it'll work out.

... Thank you , Mikey C

 

[Nanita]

I believe there is a path as well. I am searching for it too.
I'm glad that you enjoyed your trip and that something good came out of it. Keep facing your fears and one day you won't be scared anymore.

Thank you Newtype
Yes, facing fears can eliminate them

 

[Nanita]

Oh wow It's been about 1½ year since I wrote in my thread here.

How strange to think about everything that has happened since I wrote the last entry.

I lived abroad.
Experienced progress in my health (physically and mentally).
Had to break up with someone who is a wonderful being, and I hurt him in doing so. I just can't be with someone after I fall out of love. He's doing all right now though.
Moved back to my hometown, in my own apartment which is awesome.
Became friends with a girl who lives here. Lost another friend who was driving me nuts anyway.
Started being more creative than ever.
Started in therapy which I am benefiting from. It's great actually.
And still have all my usual problems with anxiety, depression, avoidance, isolating myself, being messed up socially, can't connect with most people...



-

 

[Nanita]

I went to see me therapist today. I cried for the first time in ages.
We talked about an episode that took place when I was 5 and my dad was in prison and I went to visit him there with my mom. My therapist encouraged me to recall the feelings I experienced then. The purpose of this, I guess, is to recognize emotions that I never really understood as a child. Sharing them with my therapist, is a way to understand them better and understand more about myself and the dysfunctional patterns in my upbringing.

That was the third time he was in prison (for drunk driving). As a child, I didn't know that I was actually visiting him in a prison, because my mom had told me that this was his "work place". As we got there, he was waiting for us outside that strange looking building. I remember him looking fragile and embarrassed and I thought to myself "why does he look so embarrassed and why is he being so quiet?". But I didn't ask anyone why he was like that.

We sat for about half an hour in a little grey room, eating sandwiches and talking about nothing, I guess. As we said goodbye to him, he didn't walk us out. And he didn't hug me or my mom. He stayed in that little room as we went to the car, and I held in my hand a little toy dog that he had given me.

I felt that everything was fake between me and my parents. I felt betrayed in a way, but didn't understand why.
Then, I threw the toy dog out of the car window.



Daddys little girl ain't a girl no more


-

 

[MikeyC]

Oh wow It's been about 1½ year since I wrote in my thread here.

How strange to think about everything that has happened since I wrote the last entry.

I lived abroad.
Experienced progress in my health (physically and mentally).
Had to break up with someone who is a wonderful being, and I hurt him in doing so. I just can't be with someone after I fall out of love. He's doing all right now though.
Moved back to my hometown, in my own apartment which is awesome.
Became friends with a girl who lives here. Lost another friend who was driving me nuts anyway.
Started being more creative than ever.
Started in therapy which I am benefiting from. It's great actually.
And still have all my usual problems with anxiety, depression, avoidance, isolating myself, being messed up socially, can't connect with most people...



-

There is progress, though. I'm glad for that.

 

[Nanita]

There is progress, though. I'm glad for that.

Thanks! Yeah it's really good to look back and be able to notice those positive changes.

 

[Nanita]

Going to see a movie with a friend. Or acquaintance. I think our friendship degraded from friends to acquantainces. Still, it's gonna be nice to see her and catch up. I hope.


Note to self: don't let 6 year old niece paint my nails.
Note to self: don't let 6 year old niece come near my guitars while carrying nail polish.

 

[MikeyC]

Going to see a movie with a friend. Or acquaintance. I think our friendship degraded from friends to acquantainces. Still, it's gonna be nice to see her and catch up. I hope.

How did this go?

 

[Nanita]

How did this go?

Thanks for asking. We saw a heartbreaking movie and afterwards I walked her home. We did have things to talk about, I wish we had more in common though. I guess I consider her a friend after all, since we can trust each other and be honest with each other. I'm just still longing for more in a friendship. But I appreciate her company.

 

[Nanita]

Strange day so far. Things happen. I don't understand these tricks and surprises in life.
I only got 4 hours sleep. But woke up feeling well-rested.
To my surprise I received a reply email from a woman I wrote to months ago. I wrote to her asking if she would ever consider me exhibiting in her gallery.
And yeah she actually wants me to send some stuff for her to look at and then she said she wants to meet me too. I'm a little worried about meeting her, but excited about the prospects of maybe exhibiting.

Tonight I'm going to a poetry slam event. Pretty nervous about that. Not that I'm gonna go on stage myself. Someone I know/or used to know, will be slamming his poetry. I kinda want to get drunk to make nervousness dissapear. But I'm gonna stay sober. I want to experience everything first hand, even with anxiety.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

^I tend to opt for drunkness as well to annihilate anxiety in social gatherings, but I found that it just makes it worst, because it makes you feel even more crappy and anxious the next day (wondering if anyone noticed you were drunk) than what you would have endured just being sober for the event.

Your life seems interesting though. Good luck for the gallery thing

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks for asking. We saw a heartbreaking movie and afterwards I walked her home. We did have things to talk about, I wish we had more in common though. I guess I consider her a friend after all, since we can trust each other and be honest with each other. I'm just still longing for more in a friendship. But I appreciate her company.

It's still something and the two of you can still bond. Maybe in time the friendship will blossom further.

 

[Nanita]

^I tend to opt for drunkness as well to annihilate anxiety in social gatherings, but I found that it just makes it worst, because it makes you feel even more crappy and anxious the next day (wondering if anyone noticed you were drunk) than what you would have endured just being sober for the event.

Your life seems interesting though. Good luck for the gallery thing

Thanks!
I didn't get drunk at the event but actually a lot of people were drunk there..
I went there alone and as I entered the club/café I did feel extremely nervous and awkward. People looking at me and stuff, I hate it. I wish I could be invisible.
I guess my life can be interesting every 3 weeks or so.... it's isolation mixed with occasional excitement.

It's still something and the two of you can still bond. Maybe in time the friendship will blossom further.

I doubt it will blossom, I have known her for 3 years now and the highlight was the first time we met... But I'm trying not to write people off when I feel like they don't share my interests....

 

[Nanita]

I want to go to bed earlier. But when I do, there is no sleep. It's just me, in bed, not sleeping, being nervous and anxious and very annoyed that I can't fall asleep.

The thing is, I find it so much easier to be creative at night. Nighttime is the best time for making art. The later at night it gets, the further into another world I go.

I don't know, maybe I should stay in the physical world more though. I will today, as I'm meeting my mom and going for a walk with her somewhere nice, probably in the nearby little forest. I hope I can keep my cool around her today. I probably can't. I usually get really annoyed with her, and everything she says affects me. I typically start to discuss with her and I get in a really bad mood that lasts for hours or days even. She is a really sweet person, but there is so much bitterness in me because of the way I grew up with alcoholism, neglect, etc. I'm still sort of analyzing it and trying to let go of things that went on. I'm not done with the past yet, but working on it.

 

[Nanita]

and they are the best ones







.

 

[Nanita]

Last night I dreamt of being in a room with dirty water, and I was soaked. My long lost friend from years ago held my hand and somehow she wasn't touched by the water, she was just there, like in a parallel reality but next to me. What the hell was that about.

Today
Surprises -

My dad called me and I haven't talked to him for about 2 months. We had an actual conversation. Wow.

Visited my only real friend in this town. She has just returned from a trip to america where she is from. She had brought me presents which touched me a lot. And 2 photos of me & her daughter from other times i visited them. God, what a magnificent person my friend is, she is so giving and welcoming. I almost feel like I'm not socially retarded when I'm with her.

Gratitude. Enjoying.
I milk it.