Cheating?

[Music_Lover]

Let's start off by saying I am new to the playing field. I've only had one boyfriend, and we only ever held hands, so I've never been in a serious relationship.

I've liked this one guy for a while, and, over the course of the semester, have become good friends with him. I suspected he might have feelings for me. A mutual friend informed me he had a girlfriend, which I thought was odd, considering she had never been mentioned up until that point.
Recently, the guy I'm crushing on admitted both to fancying me and to having a girlfriend. He plans on breaking up with her soon, so he can go out with me.
Considering this girlfriend has only come up in conversation twice & I've never met her, I forget about her often, to my dismay (I'm afraid I'm rather absentminded).
This guy & I email constantly, and are with each other as much as possible during university. We've held hands and hugged, and he says he loves me all the time.
I've told two of my closer friends, and they both tried to reassure me that I haven't done anything wrong. I'm convinced that what we are doing is cheating.
The guy & I have talked everything out many times. He agrees that this is cheating & that it will never happen again. He plans on breaking up with her in person & explaining everything that has happened so she at least has the truth.
I know this is a sticky situation, and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. So far I believe it has been handled fairly well..
My questions appear at last:

• Is this cheating?
• If so, what should I do next? What should I have done differently?
• If not, how far do you have to go until you personally consider it cheating?

Any & all feedback is appreciated. Thank you for your time.

 

[gummybear22]

yes I believe you've been the one he's cheating with. as soon as you learned he had a gf, you should have not been around him as more than a regular friend until he straightened everything out with his gf (breaking up with her)-or he could've broken it off with you, but it seems that wasn't how it would've gone. so now, don't do anything more than a friend with him until he breaks up with her. make sUre he's broken it off with her before you do stuff with him as more than a friend, or it's cheating cuz he can say he's going to, but that means he's still with her while he's also with you.

 

[Music_Lover]

I should've said this earlier, but I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing. This situation has kept me awake countless nights, worrying.
He doesn't get to see her often, & he wasn't about to break up with her through some form of technology. He is officially breaking off their relationship this coming Saturday.
To clarify: When we hugged, he was in a bad mood & hugging him was a last-ditch effort to cheer him up. In other words, it didn't have romantic ties.
He grabbed my hand when we were sitting next to each other. I pulled away a couple seconds later when the realization of potential cheating came to me.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

No, you haven't cheated....not even close. But, he does sound like a jerk. He should have broken it off with his girlfriend immediately. He's probably not someone that you can trust. One day, you might be the other girlfriend he never talks about......
You haven't had sex with him. Things are still innocent. Don't talk to him until he breaks up with her. He should have done that a long time ago. Make sure you know who "she" is just in case he lies to you.

 

[Music_Lover]

No, you haven't cheated....not even close. But, he does sound like a jerk. He should have broken it off with his girlfriend immediately. He's probably not someone that you can trust. One day, you might be the other girlfriend he never talks about......
You haven't had sex with him. Things are still innocent. Don't talk to him until he breaks up with her. He should have done that a long time ago. Make sure you know who "she" is just in case he lies to you.

What do you consider cheating?
This hasn't been going on for very long. Just this weekend, actually. A little less than a week & a half total, ending at the day of their break up, Saturday. Wouldn't it be worse to hear about something like this over an email? It just seems heartless to me.
Under different circumstances, I would definitely consider him a jerk. However, the whole thing makes him very upset. He has teared up while we have talked about this. He is religious, and now feels as if he cannot be accepted because of the mistakes that have been made.
EDIT: I know who the girlfriend is, & a friend of mine would contact her for me if need be, so lying about breaking up with her would be extremely difficult.

 

[Music_Lover]

Is this cheating?

You said you haven't done anything yet, so it doesn't sound like it to me.


If so, what should I do next? What should I have done differently?

If not, how far do you have to go until you personally consider it cheating?

If he does leave his girlfriend for you, there’s always a chance you will start to feel insecure about the relationship you have with this guy. After all, if you were able to tempt him away from another woman, what’s stopping him from doing the same to you too.

That is definitely another concern of mine. I wanted to address that as well, but decided against it because I'm not sure I'll be able to have a relationship with this guy at all. Not once have I told him I would go out with him when he is available, but I think he assumes I will.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I would consider having SEX cheating. A kiss would be a bad mistake, if there were a couple of make out situations over the span of more than a day, that would be pretty close to (if not) cheating. A much less serious form but not good none the less.

 

[Music_Lover]

I would consider having SEX cheating. A kiss would be a bad mistake, if there were a couple of make out situations over the span of more than a day, that would be pretty close to (if not) cheating. A much less serious form but not good none the less.

Alright. Thank you for your time.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, let me put it like this: If this guy would have an open relationship with his gf, so that she'd be ok with him seing other girls, and he'd be ok with her seing other guys, then it wouldn't matter what you'd do with him. But that doesn't seem to be the case. He is currently in a monogamous relationship. If I'd be you, I'd stay away from him, because, by not staying away from him, you are giving him the signal that it's ok for you what he does, which is hurting his current girlfriend.
And if he is ok with hurting his current girlfriend, why should he be not ok with hurting you sooner or later? And if you signal him that you think it's ok that he cheats on his girlfriend, why shouldn't he cheat on you, if you ever have a serious relationship going for him? And as long as you continue this way, you are also somewhat responsible for his gf getting hurt, because you could stop it, but don't.

In short: Tell him to either stop courting you, or splitting up with his gf.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Is this cheating?

I would say no, but if he is telling you he loves you that is iffy. Though friends do love their friends, right?

If so, what should I do next? What should I have done differently?

You are okay. You haven't done anything wrong. You are not the one with the commitment. Now that you know he has a girlfriend insist that he break up with her. It is difficult breaking up, but the sooner he does this the better.

If not, how far do you have to go until you personally consider it cheating?

It depends on a lot of factors. Lots of gray area here. It really depends on the circumstances. But yeah, sex would be the big one.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

yes it's cheating. you've held hands and hugged and you know he likes you, isn't that obvious sign that you're cheating with him? You don't need to have sex to be considered it as cheating. The fact that you're encouraging him to flirt with you and it seems you flirted back too, that's cheating already.

Obviously you like him but based from the guy's behaviour, most likely he'll eventually cheat on you too.

The decision is still yours if you want to keep going or put a stop to it.

I don't really care if you end up with each other. My sympathy is with the girl. I hope she breaks up with him soon because she doesn't deserve that guy at all.

 

[Hellhound]

If he's doing it to another girl, he might do the same to you. I wouldn't trust him.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't think it's cheating, but he has romantic interests in you. I would wait on everything until he actually does break up with his current girlfriend, just so you don't get your heart broken.

An eerily similar situation happened to me a few years ago which broke my heart and set my love life back some years, and I don't want the same to happen to you. If you like him, pursue him, but please make sure he's trustworthy!

 

[AGR]

[*]Is this cheating?

Lets say that the guy breaks up with his girlfriend to be with you,after a while he does the same thing he is doing with you with a new girl,would you consider that he is cheating if you found out or that would be OK with you?

 

[LoyalXenite]

It really depends on what the relationship is between him and his girlfriend. What kind of boundaries they have set.

My partner and i have very specific views on the matter that we both agree on but most people do not. We consider kissing, flirting, sex (obviously), fantasizing (for a time or repeatedly) and everything in between cheating. we both believe to offer yourself even mentally to another in a romantic or sexual way is a betrayal.

When you're in a relationship with someone you make a commitment to them, but you both have to decide what your boundaries of the relationship are.

 

[jc972]

I would consider having SEX cheating. A kiss would be a bad mistake, if there were a couple of make out situations over the span of more than a day, that would be pretty close to (if not) cheating. A much less serious form but not good none the less.

I agree. To me, as long as nobody has a wedding ring there is no cheating. Just my thoughts.

 

[bluebells]

OK, so if he breaks up with his current girlfriend to be with you, you should ask yourself if you can trust him. What tells you that he wont do the same thing to you later on? I'd be devastated if my boyfriend were to hold hands with another girl/hug her and tell her he loves her. I don't think it's OK to be that close to someone else if you're in a relationship. If you ask me it is a mild form of cheating.

 

[rosewood]

there are two types of cheating.

one is physical where you engage in doing things that you would only reserve for your boyfriend or girlfriend and then go and do that with another.

then there is emotional cheating. where you spend either all of your time with that person while away from the significant other, and or you talk to them about things you would normally reserve only for the 1 person in your life.

(of course you can combine the two...but then why are you with the first person?)

the question is this: How good are you at defining and recognizing your personal boundaries? if you can tell your boyfriend or girlfriend what you are doing with your "friends" with a completely clean conscience and no guilt whatsoever, chances are you are not cheating. if you feel a pang of guilt, that could be your bodys way of telling you something may be wrong.

Also: you might wish to notice whether or not this type of moving from one relationship to another without allowing the first to end is typical for your loved one. i have had the grave misfortune of knowing someone like this, who would jump from one one to the next, without breaking ties first, like a man jumping life rafts.

maybe the first person even deserves it, maybe they are a horrible person etc, but oftentimes one will still feel remorse and guilt for deceiving even that type of person.

it just means you have a conscience, which is a good thing. i wish you well, i hope all turns out beautifully for you, and much happiness.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I'd be devastated if my boyfriend were to hold hands with another girl/hug her and tell her he loves her.

Yes. How would you feel if your boyfriend did this to you?

there are two types of cheating.

one is physical where you engage in doing things that you would only reserve for your boyfriend or girlfriend and then go and do that with another.

then there is emotional cheating. where you spend either all of your time with that person while away from the significant other, and or you talk to them about things you would normally reserve only for the 1 person in your life.

(of course you can combine the two...but then why are you with the first person?)

the question is this: How good are you at defining and recognizing your personal boundaries? if you can tell your boyfriend or girlfriend what you are doing with your "friends" with a completely clean conscience and no guilt whatsoever, chances are you are not cheating. if you feel a pang of guilt, that could be your bodys way of telling you something may be wrong.

Also: you might wish to notice whether or not this type of moving from one relationship to another without allowing the first to end is typical for your loved one. i have had the grave misfortune of knowing someone like this, who would jump from one one to the next, without breaking ties first, like a man jumping life rafts.

maybe the first person even deserves it, maybe they are a horrible person etc, but oftentimes one will still feel remorse and guilt for deceiving even that type of person.

it just means you have a conscience, which is a good thing. i wish you well, i hope all turns out beautifully for you, and much happiness.

Exactly! This is a clear case of emotional cheating. If they do it to someone else, they will do it to you as well.

 

[Music_Lover]

Update on the situation:
She emailed him, saying their relationship wasn't the same as it used to be.
He went on to tell her everything that has happened. She took it all in stride & wished us luck. They then went on to talk about volleyball!
All things considered, I would've felt horrible if she had reacted in almost any other fashion. I am happy to report that I will never do anything that might be considered cheating ever again, seeing as I don't wish to inflict pain upon others. This was definitely a bad experience for me, but I think I have gained a little insight because of it.
I truly think I can trust this guy. If it turns out I'm wrong & a similar situation befalls us, then I can relate to both sides of the story. After having been in such a position as this, I can say that I would be able to forgive the people involved if the tables were turned on me.
I thank you all for both your two cents and your time.