Cannot Get Rid of my Demons

[Honda]

Yesterday I finally decided to man up and go to a psycho-therapist. I have found out that I cannot achieve a lot in life with anxiety & panic attacks holding me back. Rather I get depressed and at rare times suicidal thoughts fill my head. Enough is enough.. The doctor is an old Iraqi guy who used to treat traumatized Iraqi soldiers after the first gulf war during Saddam days.

I did my first session and It seems to have went well.. The doctor told me that the reason you have anxiety and panic attacks is due to my past trauma and childhood issues due to bullying, rejection, humiliation and such. He told me that I am chemically imbalanced due to the experiences I had and that my body is conditioned to being panicky and anxious.

Then he prescribed to me some medication; I personally have the impression that medication is bad but he assured me it is okay and the stuff he prescribed is completely safe with no side effects what so ever.
He gave me the following:
- Faverin 50mg (taking 1/2 a pill everyday for the next 6 days)
- Inderal 100mg (1 pill twice a day).

He also said I would need to come for therapy for the next 6 months where I will be going through CBT.

He assured me that I will get better if I follow the medication and his sessions responsibly and that there is nothing to be worried rather it is a great step to realize the problem and accept it.

I hope I took the right steps and I that I am not really wasting my time and money on this. I want to solve this problem once and for all and move ahead in life.. I already feel more safe after understanding the problem I have.

 

[MikeyC]

That's great, Honda. Good luck in overcoming your demons. This Iraqi guy sounds like a confident fellow.

 

[Srijita52]

Yesterday I finally decided to man up and go to a psycho-therapist. I have found out that I cannot achieve a lot in life with anxiety & panic attacks holding me back. Rather I get depressed and at rare times suicidal thoughts fill my head. Enough it enough.. The doctor is an old Iraqi guy who used to treat traumatized Iraqi soldiers after the first gulf war during Saddam days.

I did my first session and It seems to have went well.. The doctor told me that the reason you have anxiety and panic attacks is due to my past trauma and childhood issues due to bullying, rejection, humiliation and such. He told me that I am chemically imbalanced due to the experiences I had and that my body is conditioned to being panicky and anxious.

Then I prescribed to me some medication; I personally have the impression that medication is bad but he assured me it is okay and the stuff he prescribed is completely safe with no side effects what so ever.
He gave me the following:
- Faverin 50mg (taking 1/2 a pill everyday for the next 6 days)
- Inderal 100mg (1 pill twice a day).

He also I would need to come for therapy for the next 6 months where I will be going through CBT.

He assured me that I will get better if I follow the medication and his sessions responsibly and that there is nothing to be worried rather it is a great step to realize the problem and accept it.

I hope I took the right steps and I that I am not really wasting my time and money on this. I want to solve this problem once and for all and move ahead in life.. I already feel more safe after understanding the problem I have.

I'm glad you're trying to sort out your problems. I hope going to the doctor helps, good luck.

 

[fedupoffear88]

I'm in a very similar situation...Well I never considered myself a coward because I would always achieve something or the other. But, I would always see tht as not good enough and would always have tht fear and anxiety and depresssion as a result no matter wut I do. I think the reason is we have lived with these demons for so long that now they have become an integral part of our internal state! No matter how hard u try and think u succeeded in getting rid of 'em, they come back and haunt you again after sometime! Most of us here go through that I believe!
But the most important thing that I would say has helped me and many others, is never give up and try to realize the fact that the past is gone...its not in your control anymore. What matters in the present and the future..what you will do today will make a difference tomorrow!

 

[Honda]

Your biology is adjusted to live with those 'demons' as far as I understood.. If you are going through misery for a very long time, it is of no surprise that your body gets adjusted chemically to that situation. As much as your body adjusts on the long run to anything else like exercising or diets or such..

 

[Honda]

Hello,

I am back here now.. I have went through ****loads of ****..

Almost 3 months with a physcho-therapist.. Made me feel better for a little while but now I went to breakdown and realized he ruined things for me.. I tried to overdose on medication twice, choke myself to death three times.. That is attempting suicide like 7 times this year.. I never thought about it this far..

I get alot better at understanding things now and my problems, especially after going to another physiologist which informed that the medication the other m***er f***er used to give was dangerously addictive with massive withdrawal symptoms..

I believe I have reached rock bottom:

• I hate my career and I cannot focus on it, as I do it merely as a chore or a punishment of some sort.. The fact I have no passion about it made me run around aimlessly without having a success in it whatsoever. My father landed me an opportunity that might get me 25-45k USD in 6-8 months time, but I feel depressed even more knowing that I hate my job and I never liked my line of work.
• My social and sex life are almost Zero, I go to this prostitute once every 2 months to get all the sexual frustration of my back, I dont care how you view it but it was a healthy outlet & I always use protection..
• My parents make things worse by encouraging me to do the thing I really dont want to do..
• I tend to go to sleep more than once a day, just to run away from depression and pain. My sleeping patterns are terrible, I nap like 2-4 hours, wake up then sleep another 2-4 hours, wake up and so on.. So I am drowsy all day long.
• I am more aggressive than ever at times visualizing myself beating somebody to death or hurting one of my family members really really bad..
• I cried like 5 times during the past 4-5 days.
• I am very indecisive about many decisions in life, including what to do in my career and it makes me feel worse.

I desperately started finding ways to ease the tension but there isnt any.. Weed is super illegal here and could mean 25 year sentence if you are caught.. Alcohol is something I would never want to get addicted to. Sleeping it off is pointless.. Doctors and therapists cost alot of money, I cannot afford as I am almost broke..

This is the worst I have reached in my life.. I dont know what to do anymore.. All I need is some kind of stuff to make me survive this **** storm until I get some more money I can use to solve the problem.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: I do not want anybody here to take me as an inspiration or follow my footsteps in anyway.. If you are at the same level as I am then, you probably understand me otherwise never let yourself reach this kind of level.. Your physical and mental health are a priority above all else no matter what others say.. Never use outlets like whores & drugs to runaway, please don't solve one problem with another problem.


Now I feel all doors are shut in front of me, I dont know how to escape this hell.. I spoke to my father but that idiot still puts this huge money making, career changing offer he got me above my mental health. Well I never told him about my suicidal tendencies as It might freak the living **** out of him. He should know as I really dont want to work on this project anymore and would rather be homeless on the streets rather than being rich and miserable..

I dont know what to do anymore, If I had lots of money, I could have managed to fix lots of things. Perhaps started my own business, traveled, went to therapy, built my dream career but I dont have any resources..

 

[Feathers]

Honda,
I say that to everyone pretty much, whenever someone gives you some meds, please google/research, especially if you might start feeling iffy/differently... talk to the dr and get second opinions if needed... Don't believe anyone on first word...
Especially for young people, it's good to track moods and switch meds/change dosages if necessary...

I can relate partly to what you say, my parents wanted me to study one thing, while I was interested in other things...

Just know that you are young and can do many different things in the future, no matter how you decide right now... Sounds like a break/vacation and living away from home could be useful too? If you can do that?

Take care & please know most parents would still prefer an ALIVE son!!

 

[Honda]

I cannot do anything, I blew all my savings after I quit my job, hopes that this big project will score me cash... Now I am quitting the project because they wasted my time... This is the 3rd time I take my dad's advice and it ****s me over big time..

I got another huge freelance project, if it works out I will carry on; otherwise start looking for a job I actually enjoy doing.. Once I make some decent money, I am going to rent my own place and live there. Buy health insurance to afford therapy. And enjoy my life away from others interference.

I always believed moving out is the way to go, such a shame I never got the balls to make the move at the right moment..

I was boxing for a 1.5 years... Now I dont even have the will to go to a gym or at least do a bicycle run. I dont even feel like seeing people.. I feel like it really hard to take control of my life and being lazy is the norm nowadays..

I lost alot of my anxiety to trade it with devastating depression that is getting worse everyday.. I cannot even afford getting help... I am not even sure if therapy is really useful or a way to escape reality & waste time...

I am starting to believe that the only one that will save me from this is myself..

 

[Honda]

I am starting to believe that the only one that will save me from this is myself..

Hey Guys... This is actually very true... I managed to save myself..

After more than 5 months ever since I posted my last above message.. Things have changed alot.. Th reason for that is because I saw that there is no choice but to take control of your life and working on sculpting it to the way you wish it to be..

My life went down the drain after my last post, complete depression, over eating, desperation, unemployment, dysfunctional and devastated family, medications side effects, my visa was about to expire and was going to get deported until my dad saved my sorry ass and I couldn't make any penny or find a job...

Once 2013 began, I knew I had to do some major changes or else I will end up as a destroyed individual..

I grew a pair and decided to focus on learning and discovering ways to organize my life, mental health, career, etc..

I kept a journal for career, mental health and social relations.. Everyday I fill it up with new data and information I study online.. I pick out the useful and realistic bits and pieces..

I started nurturing traits such as: certainty, confidence, decisiveness.. I learned to read and understand body language.. I also, discovered ways to build myself as a successful person..

I am now trying to work out from home and focusing on myself made me feel great.. I dont need anybody to show me the way..

I just need people to hang out with when Im bored and thats it..

I still have moments of downfall but I manage to bounce back quickly all by myself..

One last thing:
The hard times are great moments for learning and evolving.. Dont fall prey for the misery and pain; rather learn and develop yourself from experiences..

And as a side note: F**K therapy.. Save your time and money. You want to be what you wish to be on a primal level? Then You can only do that. Nobody else will be able to help you.

Over and out..

 

[jaim38]

Good to hear. Thanks for sharing. I have never tried therapy or medication (partly because I can't afford them) and want to go the "all-natural" route.

 

[lonelee1]

2011 was a year of major change for me... I have become stronger, fitter & I managed to make new friendships & achieve new things in life.

Still no matter what I do... The feeling of guilt, depression, fear & anxiety haunts me... I have become a more productive and successful individual but I came to a conclusion no matter what I do or achieve in my life, If I do not have a secure attitude, I will never be happy..

I realized that I have been living in denial and that I am a coward, the main reason many people crossed the line with me in the past.. I am scared of people hurting me, offending me & I am even more scared to stand up for myself in many cases..
I usually ignore those feelings but the feeling of guilt due to the fact I neglect my self respect & decency and openly taking crap from people with wide open arms makes me feel like killing myself sometimes..

I am 24 years old, I have changed alot of things about myself, this helped me become more confident, allowed me to make new friendships, go out with girls, manage to take better career decisions yet still I get in moments where I chicken out or I am afriad of people & I hate this feeling so much that sometimes I cannot sleep well at night.

I cannot find a logic behind this fear other than that I have been a coward for so long that it is hard to get out of such conditioning..
Even when Im driving my car and I stop at a traffic light, I get a small panic attack, that makes me avoid looking at the drivers' of the cars on my left and right side. I am even nervous about raising the volume of my radio when my windows are down so others dont hear what im listening to..

I am sick and tired of this, I have been trying to over-come it for years but never got anywhere...

totally relate. its like no matter how forward you move, there's something there trying to drag you back. but in your mind. which is worse. it says, pay attention to all these thoughts! never move on! you're a failure, yada yada yada. reminds me of inertia. but i could be wrong.

im trying to learn to forget. forget how to go back. but this is part of life. some people just know how to manage it better. it might actually be good to see this part of yourself as a demon, that can make sense. that way you can separate it from you and actually progress.

lifes hard.