Cannot Get Rid of my Demons

[Honda]

2011 was a year of major change for me... I have become stronger, fitter & I managed to make new friendships & achieve new things in life.

Still no matter what I do... The feeling of guilt, depression, fear & anxiety haunts me... I have become a more productive and successful individual but I came to a conclusion no matter what I do or achieve in my life, If I do not have a secure attitude, I will never be happy..

I realized that I have been living in denial and that I am a coward, the main reason many people crossed the line with me in the past.. I am scared of people hurting me, offending me & I am even more scared to stand up for myself in many cases..
I usually ignore those feelings but the feeling of guilt due to the fact I neglect my self respect & decency and openly taking crap from people with wide open arms makes me feel like killing myself sometimes..

I am 24 years old, I have changed alot of things about myself, this helped me become more confident, allowed me to make new friendships, go out with girls, manage to take better career decisions yet still I get in moments where I chicken out or I am afriad of people & I hate this feeling so much that sometimes I cannot sleep well at night.

I cannot find a logic behind this fear other than that I have been a coward for so long that it is hard to get out of such conditioning..
Even when Im driving my car and I stop at a traffic light, I get a small panic attack, that makes me avoid looking at the drivers' of the cars on my left and right side. I am even nervous about raising the volume of my radio when my windows are down so others dont hear what im listening to..

I am sick and tired of this, I have been trying to over-come it for years but never got anywhere...

 

[Honda]

I attempted suicide today..... It didnt work... I dont even know how I feel anymore.. I dont even know who to talk to.

 

[MikeyC]

Mate, you need immediate professional help! I would certainly be seeing someone about this. You're depressed and anxious and it's eating away at you, as evidenced by your opening post.

 

[coyote]

you've been very successful at changing your life and attaining your goals

but no one can achieve perfection - it will always remain elusive

try to take more satisfaction in what you DO have, rather than worrying about what you DON'T have

 

[da_illest101]

I know what you mean, no matter how you improve your life there is always this sadness and depression that keep lurking in the back. You should seek help, but who am I to say this, I need help too but I'm not looking

 

[planemo]

Hey man, I know what you're going through. I feel like a coward too. It's made my life very, very difficult and the constant fear and anxiety does make one feel very hopeless and helpless. Just hang in there, things can always get better. You have made progress so don't throw it all away and most importantly don't compare yourself to other people. I know how it is, when one's inhibitions keep you from progressing at the same level as your peers. Maintain the progress that you are capable of achieving.

You can always drop me a message if you wanna talk.

 

[Honda]

After what happened today and the failed attempt.. I just went through emotions and feelings I never experienced in my life...

I took a nap for 25 minutes as I was worn out by the fact I tried doing such a thing without hesitation for the first time ever!! I was personally disturbed from my own actions..

I woke up to feel completely different person.. I spent the rest of the day with a deep feeling of wonder, some shock and seriousness about what happened.. It impacted me.. I dont know if it makes sense to say, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

I just hope I wont sink into another episode of depression, I fear that I might act the same way again.. I would love to speak to somebody about it but I don't know who to talk to, therapists cost alot and I find them useless.

I just spent the rest of today extremely confident and passionately socializing with people..

 

[Hoppy]

I've read this book a while ago and it helped a lot.

Waking up alive

 

[irish_bob]

2011 was a year of major change for me... I have become stronger, fitter & I managed to make new friendships & achieve new things in life.

Still no matter what I do... The feeling of guilt, depression, fear & anxiety haunts me... I have become a more productive and successful individual but I came to a conclusion no matter what I do or achieve in my life, If I do not have a secure attitude, I will never be happy..

I realized that I have been living in denial and that I am a coward, the main reason many people crossed the line with me in the past.. I am scared of people hurting me, offending me & I am even more scared to stand up for myself in many cases..
I usually ignore those feelings but the feeling of guilt due to the fact I neglect my self respect & decency and openly taking crap from people with wide open arms makes me feel like killing myself sometimes..

I am 24 years old, I have changed alot of things about myself, this helped me become more confident, allowed me to make new friendships, go out with girls, manage to take better career decisions yet still I get in moments where I chicken out or I am afriad of people & I hate this feeling so much that sometimes I cannot sleep well at night.

I cannot find a logic behind this fear other than that I have been a coward for so long that it is hard to get out of such conditioning..
Even when Im driving my car and I stop at a traffic light, I get a small panic attack, that makes me avoid looking at the drivers' of the cars on my left and right side. I am even nervous about raising the volume of my radio when my windows are down so others dont hear what im listening to..

I am sick and tired of this, I have been trying to over-come it for years but never got anywhere...

i dont know you but i wouldnt be sure that you are a coward , im not a coward but i have depression , no matter what i do , no matter what i achieve , no matter what *******s i have victorys over , im still not happy , im more brave now than i was before depression entered my life yet i was happy before it arrived , once depression enters your life , you are never ever the same again , thier is always something missing , a permanent dark cloud , its the reason why so many chose to end it , they cannot face the prospect of the dark clowd never going away and cannot live with the loss of thier old self

 

[irish_bob]

After what happened today and the failed attempt.. I just went through emotions and feelings I never experienced in my life...

I took a nap for 25 minutes as I was worn out by the fact I tried doing such a thing without hesitation for the first time ever!! I was personally disturbed from my own actions..

I woke up to feel completely different person.. I spent the rest of the day with a deep feeling of wonder, some shock and seriousness about what happened.. It impacted me.. I dont know if it makes sense to say, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

I just hope I wont sink into another episode of depression, I fear that I might act the same way again.. I would love to speak to somebody about it but I don't know who to talk to, therapists cost alot and I find them useless.

I just spent the rest of today extremely confident and passionately socializing with people..

i perfer the jokers line from the dark knight

what doesnt kill you , only makes you str(a)nger

 

[Honda]

I am much better now.. Actually I feel more serious about life than ever, I actually am feeling like im appreciating the better things in my life after knowing that yesterday could have been my last day ever..

I will make sure I never forget that day... It really did change my impression about life & how to live it..

 

[Honda]

I am much better now.. Actually I feel more serious about life than ever, I actually am feeling like im appreciating the better things in my life after knowing that yesterday could have been my last day ever..

I will make sure I never forget that day... It really did change my impression about life & how to live it..

I think i will consider buying this book..

 

[sillyrabbit231]

When I started becoming a teenager, I felt like I wanted to change my attitude. I was such a lazy, stubborn person that I wanted to change but I became more depressing when I think about my troubled behavior.

 

[Honda]

I am back here now..

I just got a new job and my life is better than ever.. But I feel like im very stressed out and I had a nervous breakdown today while driving back from work..

I starting losing it again even though I did change alot in my life. I am back having thoughts about suicide.. Because no matter what I do in life, I do not feel satisfied whatsoever.. Its as if I am masking or denying my problems..
People dont understand me and they will never be able to help me get over it and I dont know what to do anymore.. I dont trust doctors or pills, they are crazy ****..

I wish I can just runaway from this life im living in.. Do whatever just to get out of this **** i am in... I am tired of fighting back, I really am... I barely see any progress and I feel like im lying to myself...

I want to quit my current job and take a break, to think bout wtf should I do about myself... I cannot live like this... I dont know what to do anymore.. I feel scared and worried that I have to go to work after the weekend...

I feel like **** and I am lost and confused... I just want to live alone and isolate myself from this world... From everything... **** im confused... I dont want to grow up living with sort of weird sickness.. I dont want to drag a life partner and my future kids into such nightmare..

I am really scared and devastated and I want to run away... I am tired and sick of fighting back..

 

[bsammy]

'no matter what i achieve' 'no matter what bitches i have victorys over' 'im still not happy' 'feels like something is missing'

WOW u summed my life up there..i can want something and then get it, then be left thinking 'umm, is that it?' its like a permanent ache of dissatisfaction.i can be with a beautiful girl or be the best at an activity and just feel completely underwhelmed and empty..

 

[bsammy]

honda-best we can recommend is a therapist, they might be able to dive into the deeper issues bothering you..we really cant offer much advice as most of us are swimming in the sewage pit with ya..

 

[Honda]

This is bull****..

I mean they play us around like its bull****..

They tell us work hard, be strong, grow balls, keep fighting.. As if we're machines.. To be able to work hard, grow balls and think straight you need to have the right mindset.

This system lives on getting us stressed out, lost and confused to the extent we have to whore ourselves for some money and a future we're not sure we'll ever get..

I plan to quit my job.. I want to stay away from offices for a while, I have a feeling I wont find another job.. I dont know what else to do, I wish I can start my own website business and tell those 9-5 jobs in my case 8-5 6 times a week to **** off..

 

[Feathers]

Welcome to Capitalism!

Yeah, I kinda had the idea to start own biz/non-profit too... It's not so easy (maybe easier over there?)
You could start it as a side-line first?
eg see some tips: 6 Ways to Manage a Side Hustle Without Going Insane ? Life After College
There's another site for transition from full-time job to freedom too, I forgot the title...

I know office jobs can be super-stressfull sometimes, other jobs too...
Some friends said that after about a year you get used to the job... If you have other options, you can look around... (Or if you have enough savings, resources and support to start something on your own... otherwise maybe save up some money to live from it for a while?)
If you don't have enough resources and might live with unsupportive family, it might not be so easy... So, it depends what your options are

Definitely better to change jobs/careers than do something premature?
You might want to sleep on it a bit and see tomorrow more clearly?
(I was sometimes later sorry after I said goodbye to a job that at a time seemed terrible but later turned out not-so-bad..)

Bad days happen, even if self-employed (or trying to be) ((hugz)) & hope you manage to sort some things out - can you find good mentor/s to help with the job and/or your own biz etc?

 

[the_caretaker]

Fear is a very natural thing and it's nothing to be ashamed about. As for people hurting you they only hurt you when you allow them to. If someone does something to you don't hang around them. Don't even let them near you. As for suicide I know how you feel I tried a couple times myself. But, you have to realize it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And had i done myself in i wouldn't be here helping you. You're a 24-year-old young man who's got a whole life full of wonder, adventure, and excitement ahead of you. Lastly, talk to a friend, that's what they're for.

 

[Honda]

I quit my job more than 2 weeks ago.. I found out that if I sit and dedicate time to heal myself and figure out all the problems and things I want to fix and achieve in life.. I would be better off.

This action made me feel 10x better.. I feel free, safe and strong..

During these two weeks I managed to:
1. Work on fixing my blog and contacting people that might be interested in advertising on it.
2. Learn the art of pick up.. Yes the art of attracting women and it does work in-terms of boosting yourself and personality and character. I have approached dozens of women and I managed to get a couple of numbers.
3. Focused more on studying books about public relations and human emotions like fear.
4. Started working on meeting new people and expanding my social circle.
5. Put more energy and effort in my boxing training.

It was the best decision I have taken this year..