Born avoidant?

I'm not sure how to word this, but here goes.

I feel like I've actually had very few moments where I've felt socially anxious, because as far back as I can remember, I've avoided everything. I can't remember any specific early instances of rejection, yet I still have always avoided social interaction like a plague.

But more than that, I feel like those around me have never made any effort to make me feel included in things- even as a small child. I was never invited to birthday parties, never exchanged phone numbers with peers, and was never invited over to play or hang out. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

I did have a few friends here and there, but none that were particularly close, and even then it was extremely rare that I saw or talked to them outside of school. They were just the chat with between classes and sit with at lunch type of friends.

I never received invites to parties or other social gatherings- indeed, I had no idea that they were even going on, and no clue where they would even take place. I wasn't asked out on dates, and the only "boyfriend" I had was in tenth grade- the guy was nice, and was persistent and relentless, so I said yes when he asked me to go out with him, but I had no romantic interest in him, we were just basically best friends. And he was a gentleman, never pushed me for anything except for holding hands (and that was even just once or twice).

I don't know if I was just an extremely "late bloomer," or if depression and low self esteem suppressed the "raging hormones" that teenagers are supposed to have- I had no interest in sex, only had small crushes on some of the guys around school, and was never even curious about any kind of experience, except about maybe kissing a guy- but I knew I didn't want to kiss the guy who I was "going out" with. The guys I had slight crushes on didn't even know or care that I existed.

Even as an adult, I have no clue how to be social, make friends, or what to do or where to go to meet people. I did get married at 19 to the first guy (after the high school guy) to show interest in me- but even then I think it was just an avoidant strategy to escape having to learn how to get into the "dating scene." I deceived myself into believing that I felt about him the way he felt about me, but I subconsciously knew at the time, and realized (or admitted to myself) later that I wasn't physically attracted to him, and liked his personality less and less the longer I lived with him. We had kids, and I was prepared to just stay with him, but his issues drove me nuts, especially after I overcame my lifelong depression and started pursuing things (like school) that I wanted to do. He had always complained during our marriage that he had to make all the decisions, but when I started voicing my opinions and ideas, he didn't like them. So I left him.

Things were great for a while, I stayed busy with school, but depression crept back in- and I realize now that it's because I have no social connections- I don't know how to make friends, and I don't get social invitations or asked out on "dates."

From what I've read, AvPD is thought to be caused by rejection by parents/peers, but I don't remember any such rejection- in fact, was rarely ever in situations where I would experience rejection. Is it possible that avoidance was something I was "born with," an instinctual/innate part of my personality that wasn't something I "learned" through social anxiety/rejection- and those around me sensed it, and I may as well have been wearing a "keep away" sign (even though I did want the interaction)? I mean, I do experience social anxiety in certain situations where I'm forced to abandon my avoidance, but I think maybe it's a result of the avoidance, not the other way around. I don't want to avoid social interaction anymore, but I have no clue where to start getting into any social scenes or making connections with people. I feel that since I had such stubborn avoidance as a child/teenager, and that there were few around me that made the effort to connect with me, that I'm left as a "socially dumb" adult. Does anyone else relate or feel the same way?
 

planemo

Well-known member
Hey there lurknomore. Yes I know exactly what you mean about being born avoidant. I feel that way too. I remember asking my psych the same thing. Can I be born with SAD or AvPD? Because that's exactly how it feels. I've always had a need to avoid people, even from very early childhood. It was just a trigger reaction to people. If I see a person I automatically want to hide or avoid them. I can't explain why that is, it's just that way.

I mean, I do experience social anxiety in certain situations where I'm forced to abandon my avoidance, but I think maybe it's a result of the avoidance, not the other way around. I don't want to avoid social interaction anymore, but I have no clue where to start getting into any social scenes or making connections with people. I feel that since I had such stubborn avoidance as a child/teenager, and that there were few around me that made the effort to connect with me, that I'm left as a "socially dumb" adult.

I can totally relate to that. But in all honesty I can only speculate about my early childhood and whether I suffered rejection on a very alarming scale. Unfortunately trying to figure myself and my life living with this "state" only brings about more questions than answers. But at least I know I'm not alone in this. ::eek::
 
Thanks for the reply, emu noodles. It's mainly that I feel that I was born straight into avoidance, with nothing that really triggered it. I was never outright rejected (that I can remember), it was all just implied- since I rarely had people trying to befriend me or invitations to social events that were going on around school. When I read threads/posts here about people that have trouble accepting invitations, or rejecting potential friends/dates, it leaves me befuddled- as I've never had any to reject. When I post something along those lines, the inevitable response is that I need to get out more, but where? Doing what? With who?

It kind of feels like I'm trying to blame the people around me for the fact that I've never fit in, but really I think it's just more of a vibe that I've always given off that keeps people from attempting to approach me (even as a child) or even knowing that I exist. However it came about, I know that it's up to me to go about getting the help I need to change it- I can't wait for others to come to me anymore.
 

planemo

Well-known member
The truth is I don't really think I did receive much rejection as a child. One thing that always baffles me is, supposing as a really young child I did find myself on the receiving end of rejection, the fact that I was too young to even remember it, how could it make such a huge impression on my psyche? That's why I too feel I was born with it, coz I can never remember a time I was never avoidant.

I think I give off a vibe too. I know as a kid no one really wanted to play with me or be my friend. It wasn't really rejection, it was more the fact that they found me uninteresting and almost assumed I'm better off on my own, which I probably was. I had a really good friend in High school but we only interacted at school. It's almost as if I didn't know how to be his friend outside of school, so we were basically strangers if we weren't in our school uniforms.

Tbh I'm the same. I really don't know where to start. What must I do in order to make a real life friend or to find a companion. I really am clueless. I really do feel socially retarded, as if I really have a mind incapable of being a human being - in the sense that human beings need one another to survive.
 
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bangdrum

Active member
Hi, can I join please? This is exactly me as well!

I very much believe I have been anxious and avoidant since birth. I never tried to approach people when I was little either, I just hid or stayed with my mother. She says I wouldn't play with other kids in the sandbox when I was 2. I also cried nonstop when I was just born, to the point that my mother said she was "going to call an exorcist." I even cried in my sleep. And I never learned how to make friends either, so now that I don't go to school anymore (not that it helped) and have yet to find a permanent, regular job, I have no idea how I'm supposed to NOT avoid things, since I don't know how I can meet people whether I want to avoid them or not.

When I read threads/posts here about people that have trouble accepting invitations, or rejecting potential friends/dates, it leaves me befuddled- as I've never had any to reject. When I post something along those lines, the inevitable response is that I need to get out more, but where? Doing what? With who?

THIS. The only dates I've ever rejected have been from OKCupid, and I only do passive rejection (not answering the phone or replying to an email until the person gives up and disappears)...
 

drganon

Well-known member
I asked my mom a couple of times, and she always said I was always very quiet, even as a little kid and would cling to her when around strangers.
 
People say "oh he was always a shy boy". I was slightly shy, that doesn't even compare to SA. I guess there may have been a hint of SA when i was young, but I grew out of it. I guess somewhere along the line it came back
 
Thank you for sharing lurknomore. You had quite a life there.

I feel that this is true as well. I think I was born avoidant. When in school, since i was a small child, I never wanted to be around other students, I tried running away from school even. The only time I even made one friend was at the university. And that schooling didn't last long because I didn't have the money for it nor was I much good at it. I think some of this behavior may even be genetic and learned behavior. My parents don't have any friends and don't speak to anyone outside our immediate family and have always been pretty avoidant as well. Must have rubbed off on me as I was always quiet and too scared to talk to anyone. But at the same time they don't really let me. Just never interacted well with anyone. I'm trying now and it's so incredibly hard. I feel like I am a million years behind in social skills. I don't understand much of anything.
 

Darryl

Well-known member
No...

How many here can remember being a infant?

So, how can you say that your born avoidant?

From infancy to death we have different stages of development.

An example is birth to 18 months this is were we learn to trust and if we don't learn and feel this, we start to learn mistrust.
 
No...

How many here can remember being a infant?

So, how can you say that your born avoidant?

From infancy to death we have different stages of development.

An example is birth to 18 months this is were we learn to trust and if we don't learn and feel this, we start to learn mistrust.

I know I can't remember being an infant, but if I learned avoidance, it had to be very early on. And since the main people you interact with at so young an age are your parents, this would imply that the mistrust/rejection/perceived rejection most likely came from their behavior/treatment of me. However, knowing my parents (especially my mother) and being the oldest of 7 children and remembering how they were with most of the others as babies, leads me to the conclusion that I did not learn avoidance from them. So then, when and where did I learn it? Proposing that I was "born that way" was just a conjecture/theory- but I don't think it can be entirely dismissed. If not avoidance, then something about me made others not approach me, even other small children (who are mostly pretty open about talking to people- thus the need to keep them under supervision and teach them about the potential dangers of talking to adult strangers). My own kids (who are 9 and almost 8) get excited when they see a new child close to their age when we're out in public- "Can we go say hi? Can we go play with him/her?"

Whatever the cause- learned or not, the end result is an adult who has no clue about how to interact with others in a purely social setting.
 

Darryl

Well-known member
Hi lnm,

All comes down to feeling either competent or inferior, based on challenges and support we received growing up.

Darryl:)
 

bsammy

Well-known member
i believe i was born with strong avoidant traits.these traits got worse as i practiced them my young years...then i tried to erase them and they only lessened slightly, never went away completely...
 

Necrucifer

Well-known member
This is just my opinion but I dont think you can be born avoidant...I had a fine child hood for awhile I did basketball for 2 years and football for one...I sucked at em though was only elementary school I did those i, learned piano, flute and percussional as I grew up also. I used to ride my bike around all over the neighborhood. I didnt have many friends though, junior high when my anxiety and agoraphobia started hitting me even though I was in band never spoke to a person, it lasted up till my junior year then I crawled out of my shell made tons of friends, dated alot of girls also.

Once I hit my senior year dropped out due to certain events that took place (Yes I know stupid but teachers were harassing me nonstop) Then it started coming back and havent rarely left the house since or even made any friends except a couple with whom I dont talk to no more but 1 and this was 6-7 years ago. It's just my opinion though I mean I feel like I have been that way my whole life but knew I wasnt born that way, its just how you grow up and what you deal with or how you deal with life that affects it I think.
 
As a child, I was always afraid of entering a group of people.. So I never joined a team sport.. I always avoided it.. I never was the talk active kid at school, always quiet and shy. I never got invited to Bday parties and I always been afraid of going to school as a kid. I have always been afraid.

Weird thing is, my brother is also afraid of joining soccer and stuff.
I know he probably has mild SA, I never could even think about joining soccer.
I still cannot do something like that... It sucks.
 

Flowers-Of-Bloom

Well-known member
I think genetics plays a role. Perhaps someone isn't necessarily born with SA or AvPD, but they might be born with a pre-disposition to mental illness or anxiety.
From what I've been told, genetics and the way our brains are wired since birth (and how our brain develops afterwards) greatly affects our personality.
 

bsammy

Well-known member
well see in my case its not like avoidant traits happened at age 6 ot 7, i had them as far back as i can remember..i was good at sports but i never signed up for them, my parents forced me to play.ive never looked for a job either, i got them thru friends or family.

there is definitely such a thing as temperments when you are born..some kids are born with very shy temperments and others are born with more extroverted temperments..there is alot of research done in this area.the shy temperment kids will always be shy but they can push boundaries with therapy and medication.so there is some truth to being born 'shy' or 'avoidant'...being a man and being born with a shy temperment is a nasty affliction..ugghh..
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
I think my issues started at birth, before birth.

Take my family. All of them are introverts, especially my mother. It was a bone of contention between my parents that she refused to hold dinner parties for his work colleagues. And all of them tend to retreat to their bedrooms under stress. When my father was head of the Student Union, he was known as the President Who Ruled From His Bed. I think I inherited avoidance, though through genes or learned behaviour I'm not sure. It may not matter.

I don't remember any specific trauma. If there was any, it was too early or too general to pinpoint. Yes I was teased fairly relentlessly at primary school, but I think that was the effect of my anxiety, not its cause. And may have only been hypersensitivity in any case.

It was as if I'd been born without basic social instincts. Even in kindergarten, I felt that everyone else had been provided with the Homo sapiens rule book, and I'd somehow missed out. Because socializing hasn't come naturally to me, I've had to figure out how to do it, and while I can now fake it much better than I could as a child, I still very much feel "socially dumb".
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
ive never looked for a job either, i got them thru friends or family.

I've never been turned down for a job, because I've never put myself in that position. Like you, I got them through friends or family (or one time being head hunted). Part of the reason I've had so much trouble getting my life back on track is that I can't bear the thought of submitting to the interview process.

being a man and being born with a shy temperment is a nasty affliction

Being a shy boy sucks because you're expected to make the overtures.
Being a shy girl sucks because you're expected to be good at socializing.
 
I strongly believe that there is a genetic or developmental component to my avoidant personality. I suspect there is some hormone/messenger molecule/neurotransmitter that is present in different amounts or functioning differently in my body than most people. Most children had this instinctive ability to form groups that I never developed. I would not interact with people unless they took the initiative to speak to me first. I've always been hypersensitive to criticism. I find recalling embarrassing memories almost unbearable, to the point where I force myself to squelch any thoughts of them. Of course, my upbringing contributed to developing an avoidant personality, but I think my biology left me predisposed to develop the disorder. I hope that one day genetic screening becomes affordable enough that links between biology and avoidant personality can be explored.

However, I realize that the human brain has the ability to see patterns and make connections that don't necessarily exist. What I believe is based only on my intuition. I have seen some people with deeply ingrained beliefs that were completely wrong, which makes me less certain about what I believe.
 
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