I'm not sure how to word this, but here goes.
I feel like I've actually had very few moments where I've felt socially anxious, because as far back as I can remember, I've avoided everything. I can't remember any specific early instances of rejection, yet I still have always avoided social interaction like a plague.
But more than that, I feel like those around me have never made any effort to make me feel included in things- even as a small child. I was never invited to birthday parties, never exchanged phone numbers with peers, and was never invited over to play or hang out. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.
I did have a few friends here and there, but none that were particularly close, and even then it was extremely rare that I saw or talked to them outside of school. They were just the chat with between classes and sit with at lunch type of friends.
I never received invites to parties or other social gatherings- indeed, I had no idea that they were even going on, and no clue where they would even take place. I wasn't asked out on dates, and the only "boyfriend" I had was in tenth grade- the guy was nice, and was persistent and relentless, so I said yes when he asked me to go out with him, but I had no romantic interest in him, we were just basically best friends. And he was a gentleman, never pushed me for anything except for holding hands (and that was even just once or twice).
I don't know if I was just an extremely "late bloomer," or if depression and low self esteem suppressed the "raging hormones" that teenagers are supposed to have- I had no interest in sex, only had small crushes on some of the guys around school, and was never even curious about any kind of experience, except about maybe kissing a guy- but I knew I didn't want to kiss the guy who I was "going out" with. The guys I had slight crushes on didn't even know or care that I existed.
Even as an adult, I have no clue how to be social, make friends, or what to do or where to go to meet people. I did get married at 19 to the first guy (after the high school guy) to show interest in me- but even then I think it was just an avoidant strategy to escape having to learn how to get into the "dating scene." I deceived myself into believing that I felt about him the way he felt about me, but I subconsciously knew at the time, and realized (or admitted to myself) later that I wasn't physically attracted to him, and liked his personality less and less the longer I lived with him. We had kids, and I was prepared to just stay with him, but his issues drove me nuts, especially after I overcame my lifelong depression and started pursuing things (like school) that I wanted to do. He had always complained during our marriage that he had to make all the decisions, but when I started voicing my opinions and ideas, he didn't like them. So I left him.
Things were great for a while, I stayed busy with school, but depression crept back in- and I realize now that it's because I have no social connections- I don't know how to make friends, and I don't get social invitations or asked out on "dates."
From what I've read, AvPD is thought to be caused by rejection by parents/peers, but I don't remember any such rejection- in fact, was rarely ever in situations where I would experience rejection. Is it possible that avoidance was something I was "born with," an instinctual/innate part of my personality that wasn't something I "learned" through social anxiety/rejection- and those around me sensed it, and I may as well have been wearing a "keep away" sign (even though I did want the interaction)? I mean, I do experience social anxiety in certain situations where I'm forced to abandon my avoidance, but I think maybe it's a result of the avoidance, not the other way around. I don't want to avoid social interaction anymore, but I have no clue where to start getting into any social scenes or making connections with people. I feel that since I had such stubborn avoidance as a child/teenager, and that there were few around me that made the effort to connect with me, that I'm left as a "socially dumb" adult. Does anyone else relate or feel the same way?
I feel like I've actually had very few moments where I've felt socially anxious, because as far back as I can remember, I've avoided everything. I can't remember any specific early instances of rejection, yet I still have always avoided social interaction like a plague.
But more than that, I feel like those around me have never made any effort to make me feel included in things- even as a small child. I was never invited to birthday parties, never exchanged phone numbers with peers, and was never invited over to play or hang out. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.
I did have a few friends here and there, but none that were particularly close, and even then it was extremely rare that I saw or talked to them outside of school. They were just the chat with between classes and sit with at lunch type of friends.
I never received invites to parties or other social gatherings- indeed, I had no idea that they were even going on, and no clue where they would even take place. I wasn't asked out on dates, and the only "boyfriend" I had was in tenth grade- the guy was nice, and was persistent and relentless, so I said yes when he asked me to go out with him, but I had no romantic interest in him, we were just basically best friends. And he was a gentleman, never pushed me for anything except for holding hands (and that was even just once or twice).
I don't know if I was just an extremely "late bloomer," or if depression and low self esteem suppressed the "raging hormones" that teenagers are supposed to have- I had no interest in sex, only had small crushes on some of the guys around school, and was never even curious about any kind of experience, except about maybe kissing a guy- but I knew I didn't want to kiss the guy who I was "going out" with. The guys I had slight crushes on didn't even know or care that I existed.
Even as an adult, I have no clue how to be social, make friends, or what to do or where to go to meet people. I did get married at 19 to the first guy (after the high school guy) to show interest in me- but even then I think it was just an avoidant strategy to escape having to learn how to get into the "dating scene." I deceived myself into believing that I felt about him the way he felt about me, but I subconsciously knew at the time, and realized (or admitted to myself) later that I wasn't physically attracted to him, and liked his personality less and less the longer I lived with him. We had kids, and I was prepared to just stay with him, but his issues drove me nuts, especially after I overcame my lifelong depression and started pursuing things (like school) that I wanted to do. He had always complained during our marriage that he had to make all the decisions, but when I started voicing my opinions and ideas, he didn't like them. So I left him.
Things were great for a while, I stayed busy with school, but depression crept back in- and I realize now that it's because I have no social connections- I don't know how to make friends, and I don't get social invitations or asked out on "dates."
From what I've read, AvPD is thought to be caused by rejection by parents/peers, but I don't remember any such rejection- in fact, was rarely ever in situations where I would experience rejection. Is it possible that avoidance was something I was "born with," an instinctual/innate part of my personality that wasn't something I "learned" through social anxiety/rejection- and those around me sensed it, and I may as well have been wearing a "keep away" sign (even though I did want the interaction)? I mean, I do experience social anxiety in certain situations where I'm forced to abandon my avoidance, but I think maybe it's a result of the avoidance, not the other way around. I don't want to avoid social interaction anymore, but I have no clue where to start getting into any social scenes or making connections with people. I feel that since I had such stubborn avoidance as a child/teenager, and that there were few around me that made the effort to connect with me, that I'm left as a "socially dumb" adult. Does anyone else relate or feel the same way?