grapevine
Well-known member
Last night, we were having this deep chat about things. He has very strong feelings for me and really likes me. But the moment when he mentioned that he had been with 'pretty' girls before and also 'really pretty' girls and that they were nothing..
guess what somebody like me with BDD thinks and feels when that is said to me..
:crying:
I mention that he thinks Im ugly. He said no. But that I am like a tomboy, wearing my hair up all the time and dressing so plain and stuff. He thinks I dont make an effort.
And I hate this. Because I make an effort every single day. That I do these big online shops all the time with fashionable clothes. That I have so many clothes that are all in the lookbook atm. Casual tho.
I dress like all the other girls to me. And I thought I looked cool and even pretty sometimes. But now,
I mean, he even mentioned his sister. That she makes an effort. To me, she just looks ordinary- I thought I dressed way cooler than her. I mean Im not that type of person that likes a heap of jewellery and look a bit tacky.
I like to look pretty, to strip everything down, and to put on a little bit of lip colour and maybe mascara.
This really really is hurting me. As someone who has had severe depression lately this year and severe bdoy dysmorphia..
How the hell am I suppose to process this now? That I am with someone that thinks I look less than- that I am not pretty.. that thinks other women in his past were pretty- more valued in looks than me..
when I thought I was pretty - And recently I had decided to think of myself as pretty but having bdd- and that I was what I thought I was and that would help me with self care for myself.
But now I have this whole other level because I am now in a partnership. The one thing that I wanted in a partner was for a guy to fall in love with me- but also fall in love with how I look- to think and tell me I am pretty and beautiful. I dont think I am ugly, I used to get told I wad pretty all the time.
Now Im not at all?
Yes he has schizophrenia and has told me about how his past is all tied in with this very pretty woman that destroyed him back in 2003.
I know its superficial, but its important to me because of the abusive past I have had when all those nice things were taken away from me.
So I just feel so ashamed of myself again. I hate this feeling of not even wanting to face my bf and other people now. I dont want anyone to see me. Its just like the same old thing again- to get beaten down- to be told bad things-
But to have this conflicting stuff- to like someone - yet they are not the security blanket you would like- I mean its not lifting me up - its making me want to hide away in shame all over again.
What should I do?
I want to look and feel pretty. I dont want to be around someone that thinks Im not- because I will believe it. Yet he has changed so much about himself and has very sincere feelings for me. Has been very nice to me on all levels. But I hate how men can be honest and hurt.
I dont know how to deal with this. I just feel right now - so hurt from it. :sad:
I just feel like running away from this person and everyone else because they have once again made me feel less than. I cant take it.
I also feel like delving in the ocd aspect of my bdd and getting revenge- gettting angry and saying 'Ill show you..' and over grooming myself.
Thing is I mean, he thinks he is very attractive I think. But I felt a bit sick when I saw his hair brush and toothbrush and stuff and they were very grubby. And he is overweight and smokes and stuff. But yet I like him.
But its like this narrow view of beauty he has I dont know. I mean I think about how everyone I know thinks the same that I am not pretty or attractive.
I just dont want to be just a sexy body or what ever. I want him to love my face and think I am pretty and beautiful. And it is severely hurting me to know thats not the case.
I mean how am I suppose to face the mirror now? How am I suppose to self care and keep pushing myself through my insecurities like I had been doing? To have my own version of pretty- when I know that others will not see that?
guess what somebody like me with BDD thinks and feels when that is said to me..
:crying:
I mention that he thinks Im ugly. He said no. But that I am like a tomboy, wearing my hair up all the time and dressing so plain and stuff. He thinks I dont make an effort.
And I hate this. Because I make an effort every single day. That I do these big online shops all the time with fashionable clothes. That I have so many clothes that are all in the lookbook atm. Casual tho.
I dress like all the other girls to me. And I thought I looked cool and even pretty sometimes. But now,
I mean, he even mentioned his sister. That she makes an effort. To me, she just looks ordinary- I thought I dressed way cooler than her. I mean Im not that type of person that likes a heap of jewellery and look a bit tacky.
I like to look pretty, to strip everything down, and to put on a little bit of lip colour and maybe mascara.
This really really is hurting me. As someone who has had severe depression lately this year and severe bdoy dysmorphia..
How the hell am I suppose to process this now? That I am with someone that thinks I look less than- that I am not pretty.. that thinks other women in his past were pretty- more valued in looks than me..
when I thought I was pretty - And recently I had decided to think of myself as pretty but having bdd- and that I was what I thought I was and that would help me with self care for myself.
But now I have this whole other level because I am now in a partnership. The one thing that I wanted in a partner was for a guy to fall in love with me- but also fall in love with how I look- to think and tell me I am pretty and beautiful. I dont think I am ugly, I used to get told I wad pretty all the time.
Now Im not at all?
Yes he has schizophrenia and has told me about how his past is all tied in with this very pretty woman that destroyed him back in 2003.
I know its superficial, but its important to me because of the abusive past I have had when all those nice things were taken away from me.
So I just feel so ashamed of myself again. I hate this feeling of not even wanting to face my bf and other people now. I dont want anyone to see me. Its just like the same old thing again- to get beaten down- to be told bad things-
But to have this conflicting stuff- to like someone - yet they are not the security blanket you would like- I mean its not lifting me up - its making me want to hide away in shame all over again.
What should I do?
I want to look and feel pretty. I dont want to be around someone that thinks Im not- because I will believe it. Yet he has changed so much about himself and has very sincere feelings for me. Has been very nice to me on all levels. But I hate how men can be honest and hurt.
I dont know how to deal with this. I just feel right now - so hurt from it. :sad:
I just feel like running away from this person and everyone else because they have once again made me feel less than. I cant take it.
I also feel like delving in the ocd aspect of my bdd and getting revenge- gettting angry and saying 'Ill show you..' and over grooming myself.
Thing is I mean, he thinks he is very attractive I think. But I felt a bit sick when I saw his hair brush and toothbrush and stuff and they were very grubby. And he is overweight and smokes and stuff. But yet I like him.
But its like this narrow view of beauty he has I dont know. I mean I think about how everyone I know thinks the same that I am not pretty or attractive.
I just dont want to be just a sexy body or what ever. I want him to love my face and think I am pretty and beautiful. And it is severely hurting me to know thats not the case.
I mean how am I suppose to face the mirror now? How am I suppose to self care and keep pushing myself through my insecurities like I had been doing? To have my own version of pretty- when I know that others will not see that?
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