bf thinks im not pretty : (
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THeCARS1979
Well-known member
Your ok at explaining, you write alot.
Try not to over think the Bdd. We all have something we don't like about ourselves . For instance I had a hair transplant. I didn’t l like having hair loss . Now I m buying products for thickness and continuing the effort. I didn't like the height I had so I took a supplement and I got an inch and half out of it. Now it's my age and I feel as if I don't have the skills to find anyone that could be a companion. I kind of like them young and we'll now I'm 42 and I don't know. Steve
grapevine
Well-known member
Yes I over think things. I over analyse. I enjoy analysing from all the self development things I have read over my life. I like to make things internally feel right, and having BDD really gets to me.
But I am dating a guy who is all good things but is hard to read. He likes me for me but just wants me to be more girly, dress a little better and grow my hair out and things like that- I get it now.
But my life there has always been and I am sure this is common - someone to always tell me I am insecure and need to do this or that and change myself. Even when I have felt ontop of the world in confidence. So it was like a shock to my inner bruises.
It does feel like a hole tho. He did tell me that I was pretty and beautiful one night. And that made me feel a whole lot better. I didnt ask for it. But anytime anyone lately has said something nice and that has been very very rare- it has been with a voice of not really meaning it. See the last time I had good relations with boys was highschool and I would dress up and stuff and get attraction my way- I had many nice things told to me and it was because of the way I looked and my face. I felt pretty then. But now its like, its different and I am learning that perhaps that ideal is not reality- that men in their 30s are getting into relationships for different reasons to that of when they are young.
But I cannot help but feel offended when he tells me he is sexually attracted to me and loves my body - because I see that as he doesnt like my face- because I am not liking it- but when I have liked it others havent. I have BDD about my face and my hair.
And yet I want him to love my face- I want to have the confidence and shred my insecurities about it and actually wear some makeup and do those girl things and have him look at me the way that guys in highschool used to. Because I guess its just a thing that women want.
I just keep questioning why he is with me- and lets me know why but he never tells me its because I am pretty. Because I know what he does when he sees a pretty girl- yet I can sometimes feel really pretty in my face - sometimes and I would love it f he saw that too. He perks up when he sees women with faces he likes - but I guess we dont have the same likes in what we think a face is pretty or not I guess.
Its just a deep insecurity that plagues me all the time with him. I keep it to myself - but I have voiced it a few times. I just want to be that confident girl I was in highschool and like myself my face. I want him to see me authentically beautiful I guess. But hey, its only 3 or so weeks on omg. lol
But I am dating a guy who is all good things but is hard to read. He likes me for me but just wants me to be more girly, dress a little better and grow my hair out and things like that- I get it now.
But my life there has always been and I am sure this is common - someone to always tell me I am insecure and need to do this or that and change myself. Even when I have felt ontop of the world in confidence. So it was like a shock to my inner bruises.
It does feel like a hole tho. He did tell me that I was pretty and beautiful one night. And that made me feel a whole lot better. I didnt ask for it. But anytime anyone lately has said something nice and that has been very very rare- it has been with a voice of not really meaning it. See the last time I had good relations with boys was highschool and I would dress up and stuff and get attraction my way- I had many nice things told to me and it was because of the way I looked and my face. I felt pretty then. But now its like, its different and I am learning that perhaps that ideal is not reality- that men in their 30s are getting into relationships for different reasons to that of when they are young.
But I cannot help but feel offended when he tells me he is sexually attracted to me and loves my body - because I see that as he doesnt like my face- because I am not liking it- but when I have liked it others havent. I have BDD about my face and my hair.
And yet I want him to love my face- I want to have the confidence and shred my insecurities about it and actually wear some makeup and do those girl things and have him look at me the way that guys in highschool used to. Because I guess its just a thing that women want.
I just keep questioning why he is with me- and lets me know why but he never tells me its because I am pretty. Because I know what he does when he sees a pretty girl- yet I can sometimes feel really pretty in my face - sometimes and I would love it f he saw that too. He perks up when he sees women with faces he likes - but I guess we dont have the same likes in what we think a face is pretty or not I guess.
Its just a deep insecurity that plagues me all the time with him. I keep it to myself - but I have voiced it a few times. I just want to be that confident girl I was in highschool and like myself my face. I want him to see me authentically beautiful I guess. But hey, its only 3 or so weeks on omg. lol
Jungle
1
I have to agree with on the fact that many men first look at a woman's breast and body, before actually looking at her face. I also find this utterly disrespectful, it's like disrespecting that woman by picturing her as a sexual object.
I am telling you this once again : you are a gorgeous woman (talking about your face of course), I have no reason to lie to you.
Don't doubt yourself and don't let that kind of ideas that you aren't pretty mess with your head, because this is bolløcks, I am a 23 years old guy telling you this.
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THeCARS1979
Well-known member
yes I try to look at the girls face, and I do appreciate it , you have to look there too. Im probably one in a 100 who do that too. Its only right and youll have to look at her face later anyway
peachybear671
New member
No matter what he says, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, Don't let somebody else tell you otherwise. I know how you feel, I always worry about how I look and it can consume me and make me worry about my appearance constantly. Be who you are and dress the way you want. You are your own person. 
grapevine
Well-known member
Thankyou guys- it means alot to help me with this one.
Its still gets to me often. Brings me really down.
I think the thing is that - he is my boyfriend- so there is an element where I am confused as to do I not care- and shut him out from that insecurity in my life- or because he is my boyfriend and its a value of mine to want a guy who actually likes my face- my looks - do I then care?
When I dont care- there is still always passive aggressive/sadness/frustration and broken parts of me and when I do care I get angry towards him more internally and want to push him away- for how dare he evaluate me negatively or not how I expect..want .. etc..
..and because of this issue - I cant - I find it hard to kiss him -esp in the day
See- I just cannot get over the thing he once said about this girl from his past - saying she had a face like an angel- and he has said that about some famous girls too- also every now and then will pop his head up and 'oooh' in the middle of a film or what ever because of the way a woman appeals to him.
I know I am being sensitive. But when he has told me he thinks im pretty- its not the same- its to me like he is just saying it but not much gravity towards it. I mean- he said in text that he thought i was really pretty-(but it was in a context that seemed heightened etc) but then tonight tells me I am pretty when I smile. So then - Im thinking when Im not smiling.. etc
See its the bdd. I guess I want a guy who looks at my face and tells me I look like an angel too lol- I cant help it - its just - it hurts to feel less than you know. And he says conflicting things sometimes.
I just dont get him about me and my looks. I feel like its just about my body. I mean when he asked me out and it was through messages on fb- he said he liked my body - and that I could (could??) be a hot little lady (something like that anyway) . I was quite offended by that. And then like I wrote on this thread- when he was talking about (cant exactly remember now)- but about how he has been with pretty girls and really pretty girls and now.. idk - i dont remember - but he emphasised on the way I dressed and stuff. And mentioned how a guy really only wants a girl to mother him anyway.
See, to me- I have thought that it didnt really matter too much on what you wore- as long as its kinda in style and nice and neat etc. I always thought it was the face that mattered.
The eyes and smile etc. Not really needing makeup. Idk.
It just gets to me. That he just likes my body. Things I remember when we worked together when I told him I was growing out my hair - he would tell me I should dye it blonde...
which wouldnt suit me at all - I felt like this person doesnt get me- my natural beauty - just wants to change me you know.
I get that I dont have to be perfect and all that. That I am average probably anyway. But my bdd spins me out on this all the time. Since I dont know where I am on the scale.
I mean, he has said stuff about once about how he thought we are both on the same level of attractiveness - i dont actually remember what he was saying as I was nodding off- but I didnt get that- on one hand he thinks his face is very attractive and takes selfies of himself all the time - so I think - okay - maybe Im on that level then? On the other idk.
It just seems so important to me because its what I have wanted in a partner I guess. It was taken from me from abuse in the last one and I just have wanted a guy to love my face - and perhaps make me love it too maybe.
idk. There have been times in my life where I thought I was quite pretty and attractive and I guess have wanted that reflection back- from others to assert that again. I used to get that attention. But its like when I am with him- that Im not all that- I mean I am older too anyway- but I guess I jsut want him to oooh at me and not just because of my body you know.
I want him to see me as a face like an angel but I know he wont. It hurts. I remember him telling me last year b4 we were going out that noone compares to her face (the ex that was ugly inside according to him).
I mean so, even in my best - I dont think he will see me as that idk. I mean he has said I was a beautiful woman - but its not the same. He has even told me that he is a visual man and that I needed to dress better.
It just confuses me. Gets me spun out and down. I dont know what he wants from me in terms od how I look and everytime I open my wardrobe to get dressed it s frustrating and anxious because I dont get what he likes and doesnt.
He likes me for more reasons relating to who I am then my looks. He said that its a bonus that he is sexually attracted to me- what ever that means.. a bonus??
So I just think im not really pretty to him - Im just an average face but he likes my body idk?
I used to be very popular in high school when I wore make up - I was very popular with the boys and they would say nice things about my face and girls would too. So I guess I am sensitive to it- maybe I expect it idk. Times change.
Its still gets to me often. Brings me really down.
I think the thing is that - he is my boyfriend- so there is an element where I am confused as to do I not care- and shut him out from that insecurity in my life- or because he is my boyfriend and its a value of mine to want a guy who actually likes my face- my looks - do I then care?
When I dont care- there is still always passive aggressive/sadness/frustration and broken parts of me and when I do care I get angry towards him more internally and want to push him away- for how dare he evaluate me negatively or not how I expect..want .. etc..
..and because of this issue - I cant - I find it hard to kiss him -esp in the day
See- I just cannot get over the thing he once said about this girl from his past - saying she had a face like an angel- and he has said that about some famous girls too- also every now and then will pop his head up and 'oooh' in the middle of a film or what ever because of the way a woman appeals to him.
I know I am being sensitive. But when he has told me he thinks im pretty- its not the same- its to me like he is just saying it but not much gravity towards it. I mean- he said in text that he thought i was really pretty-(but it was in a context that seemed heightened etc) but then tonight tells me I am pretty when I smile. So then - Im thinking when Im not smiling.. etc
See its the bdd. I guess I want a guy who looks at my face and tells me I look like an angel too lol- I cant help it - its just - it hurts to feel less than you know. And he says conflicting things sometimes.
I just dont get him about me and my looks. I feel like its just about my body. I mean when he asked me out and it was through messages on fb- he said he liked my body - and that I could (could??) be a hot little lady (something like that anyway) . I was quite offended by that. And then like I wrote on this thread- when he was talking about (cant exactly remember now)- but about how he has been with pretty girls and really pretty girls and now.. idk - i dont remember - but he emphasised on the way I dressed and stuff. And mentioned how a guy really only wants a girl to mother him anyway.
See, to me- I have thought that it didnt really matter too much on what you wore- as long as its kinda in style and nice and neat etc. I always thought it was the face that mattered.
The eyes and smile etc. Not really needing makeup. Idk.
It just gets to me. That he just likes my body. Things I remember when we worked together when I told him I was growing out my hair - he would tell me I should dye it blonde...
which wouldnt suit me at all - I felt like this person doesnt get me- my natural beauty - just wants to change me you know.
I get that I dont have to be perfect and all that. That I am average probably anyway. But my bdd spins me out on this all the time. Since I dont know where I am on the scale.
I mean, he has said stuff about once about how he thought we are both on the same level of attractiveness - i dont actually remember what he was saying as I was nodding off- but I didnt get that- on one hand he thinks his face is very attractive and takes selfies of himself all the time - so I think - okay - maybe Im on that level then? On the other idk.
It just seems so important to me because its what I have wanted in a partner I guess. It was taken from me from abuse in the last one and I just have wanted a guy to love my face - and perhaps make me love it too maybe.
idk. There have been times in my life where I thought I was quite pretty and attractive and I guess have wanted that reflection back- from others to assert that again. I used to get that attention. But its like when I am with him- that Im not all that- I mean I am older too anyway- but I guess I jsut want him to oooh at me and not just because of my body you know.
I want him to see me as a face like an angel but I know he wont. It hurts. I remember him telling me last year b4 we were going out that noone compares to her face (the ex that was ugly inside according to him).
I mean so, even in my best - I dont think he will see me as that idk. I mean he has said I was a beautiful woman - but its not the same. He has even told me that he is a visual man and that I needed to dress better.
It just confuses me. Gets me spun out and down. I dont know what he wants from me in terms od how I look and everytime I open my wardrobe to get dressed it s frustrating and anxious because I dont get what he likes and doesnt.
He likes me for more reasons relating to who I am then my looks. He said that its a bonus that he is sexually attracted to me- what ever that means.. a bonus??
So I just think im not really pretty to him - Im just an average face but he likes my body idk?
I used to be very popular in high school when I wore make up - I was very popular with the boys and they would say nice things about my face and girls would too. So I guess I am sensitive to it- maybe I expect it idk. Times change.
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Jungle
1
Are you ready to change your look and dye your hair, just for your boyfriend?
Personally I am totally against this, because this could mess with your personality and self-esteem (provided that you don't like your new look).
I don't see what you can do to be honest... you are already beautiful, many members have told you this already, believe it or not, this is the truth.
I don't know what is going on in your boyfriend's head.
Personally I am totally against this, because this could mess with your personality and self-esteem (provided that you don't like your new look).
I don't see what you can do to be honest... you are already beautiful, many members have told you this already, believe it or not, this is the truth.
I don't know what is going on in your boyfriend's head.
Megaten
Well-known member
He has no social tact lol. Hes been entirely too honest about his attraction to other women. Also seeing that Grapevine has bdd, he'd have to put in extra effort to not make her feel unattractive, but hes been talking to her as if shes got extremely thick skin. It would be like if she started talking about how well endowed her ex boyfriends were or how wealthy they were. Thats why I was wondering if his mental problems had anything to do with it because it comes off as really odd to me.
grapevine
Well-known member
Well he told me that I was pleasant to look at in the morning..
But then he told me that my face was *growing on him.*
...And that completely triggered me. He just cannot come out and say I look pretty or anything easy like that. Its just not going to happen even when I feel on those good days when perhaps I do.
Yet he can easily say it about other women here and there online or what ever. And its just , its like I have to feel bad - judged as I dont look a certain way- that because im looking aparently plain to him.. in the way I dress- yet Im dressing like every other girl. I even have been wearing a little makeup- but he would never notice.
You know- Im never going to be that 'face of an angel' of his long time ex - who from looking at photos I thought actually looked like a man.
This is like a cancer in this relationship for me. And it bleeds often. I feel like once again I cannot show my face and let go to him again. There are alot of things that I am not liking about him now anyway- and one of them is even bad hygiene. I just feel like- last time we talked (online) about my bdd and he was quick like always to tell me he likes my body. And kind of struggle to say anything really nice about my face.
I want a bf that likes my face.
And I feel jealous of his sister. She's got bog cheeks and wears alot of makeup- but I wear better clothes to her - she always wears black- yet I know that my bf likes the way she dresses and stuff- I feel like he prob thinks she is pretty and I am not . See I cant see that - but because of my bdd I cant trust what I see.
And then everything just all comes flooding back. Just when I felt like I was looking okay to him you know. Its like Im just a body and my face is not that great. And yet he boasts about his face like its something great and takes loads of selfies and ages in the mirror- yet I dont think at all what he thinks about himself.
Im just - so triggered by him and yet he is the one - my bf the one that I feel is suppose to help lift me and make me feel good about myself instead he is; by ignorance and blatantness - made me feel so even worse.
Should I.. like I feel like I just want to be authentic and tell this to him - most of this about how he makes me feel - yet I know it will be annoying and he will hate it and I know that it can completely trigger me and make me feel self conscious. That he may judge my appearance in the conversation and I will feel perhaps even worse.
At the same time - I just feel like I need to get it out. Idk.
But then he told me that my face was *growing on him.*
...And that completely triggered me. He just cannot come out and say I look pretty or anything easy like that. Its just not going to happen even when I feel on those good days when perhaps I do.
Yet he can easily say it about other women here and there online or what ever. And its just , its like I have to feel bad - judged as I dont look a certain way- that because im looking aparently plain to him.. in the way I dress- yet Im dressing like every other girl. I even have been wearing a little makeup- but he would never notice.
You know- Im never going to be that 'face of an angel' of his long time ex - who from looking at photos I thought actually looked like a man.
This is like a cancer in this relationship for me. And it bleeds often. I feel like once again I cannot show my face and let go to him again. There are alot of things that I am not liking about him now anyway- and one of them is even bad hygiene. I just feel like- last time we talked (online) about my bdd and he was quick like always to tell me he likes my body. And kind of struggle to say anything really nice about my face.
I want a bf that likes my face.
And I feel jealous of his sister. She's got bog cheeks and wears alot of makeup- but I wear better clothes to her - she always wears black- yet I know that my bf likes the way she dresses and stuff- I feel like he prob thinks she is pretty and I am not . See I cant see that - but because of my bdd I cant trust what I see.
And then everything just all comes flooding back. Just when I felt like I was looking okay to him you know. Its like Im just a body and my face is not that great. And yet he boasts about his face like its something great and takes loads of selfies and ages in the mirror- yet I dont think at all what he thinks about himself.
Im just - so triggered by him and yet he is the one - my bf the one that I feel is suppose to help lift me and make me feel good about myself instead he is; by ignorance and blatantness - made me feel so even worse.
Should I.. like I feel like I just want to be authentic and tell this to him - most of this about how he makes me feel - yet I know it will be annoying and he will hate it and I know that it can completely trigger me and make me feel self conscious. That he may judge my appearance in the conversation and I will feel perhaps even worse.
At the same time - I just feel like I need to get it out. Idk.
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nodejesque
Well-known member
Your boyfriend sounds like a douche. If he is constantly breaking down your self confidence, them maybe its time you dumped his ***. He doesn't sound like a great person to have around.
At the very least, he should respect you enough to keep his negative comments to himself.
At the very least, he should respect you enough to keep his negative comments to himself.
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
^Agreed, if you LOVE him maybe it's worth the trouble, but right now he just seems to make you feel confused and sad. Don't stay with him only because you think it's going to affect him if you leave, you need to think about yourself in that specific case. And I mean, you shouldn't have to change the way you dress, dye your hair, and put make up for your boyfriend to like your look, wtf is that? Tell him to go find himself some shallow plastic chick and leave you be...
Anyway that's my opinion on the matter
Anyway that's my opinion on the matter
grapevine
Well-known member
Yeah - he has (and Im learning so much more everyday), just that foot and mouth disease.
He is not saying the things really in his own mind as negative to him. He loves me for me - despite at the beginning where I had concerns like he wanted to change me (and I sometimes still do when Im deep in conditional bdd on myself). He can come out with things without thinking but he is starting to learn now as I let him know straight away that a comment will hurt me for a day or a week because of my bdd.
He asked me a few days ago for a favour. And that was that he wanted to have a photo of us together in a selfie for his FB profile picture. This was heart-warming for me because in my head I think that Im not good enough visually etc.. and it was also something dreading as I have a severe phobia of photo taking and the camera. But I gave in and he put up a photo of us two. But for what ever reason at the end of the day- he told me that if it was okay if he put it in his albums instead. I said sure. But nagging in the back of my mind was insecurities - it wasnt good photo anyway- and Im surprised I wasnt off the deep end in dispair like normal with photos in BDD land.
I thought, bad thoughts about that he must of judged me and saw im not photogenic and so didnt want that photo - but then I think maybe he didnt like himself in it?
Anyway, his profile is a loveheart now.
He promised me that he wouldnt take another photo of me - ask of it after that request. I think he wants to - but he wont ask. Im surprised how much I have dealt with this fear anyway.
I flicked coke into his eye at a cafe the other day because he was talking about aging and joked and said I would age faster than him because of the lines from my nose to mouth - and that (he is completely unaware of) is exactly what my bdd is on regarding my face. I did not tell him that- but he told me that it was okay and he just meant face shapes- as he was rubbing his eye that went all red from the coke.
I told him Im sensitive to comments regarding my face. I just have to remind him all the time.
He is not saying the things really in his own mind as negative to him. He loves me for me - despite at the beginning where I had concerns like he wanted to change me (and I sometimes still do when Im deep in conditional bdd on myself). He can come out with things without thinking but he is starting to learn now as I let him know straight away that a comment will hurt me for a day or a week because of my bdd.
He asked me a few days ago for a favour. And that was that he wanted to have a photo of us together in a selfie for his FB profile picture. This was heart-warming for me because in my head I think that Im not good enough visually etc.. and it was also something dreading as I have a severe phobia of photo taking and the camera. But I gave in and he put up a photo of us two. But for what ever reason at the end of the day- he told me that if it was okay if he put it in his albums instead. I said sure. But nagging in the back of my mind was insecurities - it wasnt good photo anyway- and Im surprised I wasnt off the deep end in dispair like normal with photos in BDD land.
I thought, bad thoughts about that he must of judged me and saw im not photogenic and so didnt want that photo - but then I think maybe he didnt like himself in it?
Anyway, his profile is a loveheart now.
He promised me that he wouldnt take another photo of me - ask of it after that request. I think he wants to - but he wont ask. Im surprised how much I have dealt with this fear anyway.
I flicked coke into his eye at a cafe the other day because he was talking about aging and joked and said I would age faster than him because of the lines from my nose to mouth - and that (he is completely unaware of) is exactly what my bdd is on regarding my face. I did not tell him that- but he told me that it was okay and he just meant face shapes- as he was rubbing his eye that went all red from the coke.
I told him Im sensitive to comments regarding my face. I just have to remind him all the time.
Sacrament
Well-known member
I think the amount of insecurities you have make it very difficult to have a healthy relationship with anyone at the moment. Your relationship with yourself needs to be as healthy as possible first, otherwise you easily get into relationships that aren't really beneficial, just someone who keeps you company.
BlueDays
1
^Well said. :thumbup:
It seems like he does not really love YOU - as you are, he loves the girl he wants you to be.
You need to find a boyfriend who gives you unconditional love, grapevine.