Avoiding things that eventually leads to huge problems in your life.

[giantyx]

im glad im not alone.

back in university, i actually skipped almost all of my professional communication lessons because i felt anxious and it would kill me to attend the lessons, meet pple i do not know and take part in interactions. i nearly died gg for the final presentation, i only had another groupmate and i was like a stranger to the entire class, and in the end i was glad 'hell' was over...

 

[Falkor]

Avoidance is something i'm very good at -.-
For example, I haven't called a friend in 2 weeks. He can't read, he has a reading problem. So I need to call him, to keep in touch,
I told myself too many times I would call him later on the day, But didn't make the phone call.
Avoiding leads you to isolation, dissapointment and no social life. Isolation, I don't want it, I want to go out there.
Dissapointment, is no fun, I'd rather go through it and have succes. No Social Life? Rather not, I want to have something to do.
So this is what I keep on telling myself, to just face it.

 

[lurknomore]

Yep... same here. When my car broke down about a year ago, it didn't make it to the mechanic for six months because I simply could not make the phone call to my insurance to have it towed- finally, my sister made the phone call and just handed the phone to me when they needed to verify my personal info- meanwhile, I was borrowing my brother's car, even though my family was short on vehicles as it was.

This fear is also probably responsible for the fact that I haven't applied for jobs in ages, and my credit is in the toilet, because I don't make enough money and I can't make a call or answer my phone, just increasing the mess I'm in. I even put off making doctor's appointments, not just for myself, but also for my kids, which gets my ex yelling at me. I can't seem to do anything for myself, or ask for help to save my life.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I wonder what would have happened if you were to have been completely honest with the mentor? Yelling seems a little extreme and unnecessary...

I know what you mean though. I was drawing pictures for this old guy who has a hobbie of making story books. I had finished the first half of the pictures and was paid (way over paid, the old guy is rich and bored let's just say. 100 dollars for each ****ty picture!) and then I was supposed to contact him when I finished the rest. Well, I couldn't even find it within myself to start the rest let alone call him. Not because I didn't want to work on it, simply because now it was something that I must do! Also I just got judgmental vibes from him, there was no way I could call him.. So I procrastinated forever and never got back to him. He's my mother's tennis friend, and apparently he called me a devil child or something to her after that. I don't blame him, I took 200 dollars and never finished the job. He contact my mom recently and tried to be all friendly about the situation, expecting I would call him to finish it I guess. No way I will be able to do that.

Same thing with this old recipe book my grandmother gave me to re-type, as it's falling apart. I started, I got well into it, but eventually It became one of those things I thought about all day and never did out of fear of, something?? I never got back to her either. My grandma and I are like strangers so you could basically say it's like doing something for a stranger, except one that you're expected to hug and treat well. I feel so guilty about both of these things! That recipe book was ancient and her favorite... I still have it and I'm going to finish it if it kills me, or the guilt will

 

[Dronee]

Same thing with this old recipe book my grandmother gave me to re-type, as it's falling apart. I started, I got well into it, but eventually It became one of those things I thought about all day and never did out of fear of, something?? I never got back to her either. My grandma and I are like strangers so you could basically say it's like doing something for a stranger, except one that you're expected to hug and treat well. I feel so guilty about both of these things! That recipe book was ancient and her favorite... I still have it and I'm going to finish it if it kills me, or the guilt will

Not possible to just scan the pages due to the state of the book? If it's something really important, maybe it's better to just let someone else (who's trustworthy) to finish the job.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

I often did similar in the past. One thing I have learnt, is that it is often more painful in the long run to avoid things than it is to make that step and do what you need to do.

Avoidance can lead to:
Loss of money
Costing others money
Loss of a job
Loss of respect from others
Other people may have to do what you can't do

and that's just a start, it may be painful to pick up that phone or talk to that person, but nothing good will ever come from avoidance.

 

[deleted user 1]

yes, this is one of my biggest obstacles

and no matter how many times I do it and see the results

I still do it again, and again


on a positive note - I'm having a really good cup of coffee right now

I tell you what, coffee has been a real life saver for me! Could not cope without it lol.

 

[deleted user 1]

I often did similar in the past. One thing I have learnt, is that it is often more painful in the long run to avoid things than it is to make that step and do what you need to do.

Avoidance can lead to:
Loss of money
Costing others money
Loss of a job
Loss of respect from others
Other people may have to do what you can't do

and that's just a start, it may be painful to pick up that phone or talk to that person, but nothing good will ever come from avoidance.

I do this a lot, I did it with my history teacher during my GCSE years. Thank God he was lenient with me though, I don't know why, but I was the only one who got off the hook! lol. Phoning agencies, even family. I just blew a golden opportunity last month because I was hesitant to call a guy who was going out of his way to help me. Another, one of my fathers friends really wanted me to play with his band, I dodged that like the plague! No matter how hard I try I just can't do it. I want these things so much, but it's unbearable once it's within my grasp. Like trying to snatch a pearl from a crocodiles gaping jaws. Just thinking about this makes me want to punch myself in the face @_x

 

[mr.jimbo]

Yeah i have that problem when it comes to calling services. An example, I'm usually home because im not working at the moment. furthermore, my family expect me to call for things which i hate doing favors for them. I'm sure i told a few of my family members about my problem with anxiety/SA, and they dont seem to realize how serious it is for me. But it's okay. I can't always make excuses of my anxiety problems. it is something that i have to persevere if i want to feel more comfortable making and picking up phone calls. I try not to think about it too much and just get the job done asap before it gets any worse.

 

[coyote]

i suppose i should see if I can find my W-2 forms

but i have another 9 days until taxes have to be filed

plenty of time

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

i suppose i should see if I can find my W-2 forms

but i have another 9 days until taxes have to be filed

plenty of time

*fast forward 9 days* Coyote: I really should see if I can find my W-2 forms. I have another 9 hours until taxes have to be filed. Plenty of time."

 

[coyote]

*fast forward 9 days* Coyote: I really should see if I can find my W-2 forms. I have another 9 hours until taxes have to be filed. Plenty of time."

that has happened on more than one occasion

 

[jenkavy]

Oh, god, this is the story of my life. I avoid so many things, even when I know there will be bad consequences. Then I end up lying to people to cover up what I avoided (like telling my mom I did something when I didn't). Then I get so ashamed and guilty that I end up avoiding more things, and continuing to lie... it's an awful cycle. It's caused me a lot of problems, especially academically. It's why my grades in high school were so inconsistent. Also, I don't even have to be that nervous about something to avoid it. It's like my default action is avoidance. I think that's one of the reasons I've been diagnosed with AvPD in addition to SA.

 

[Porcupine]

Though experience has taught me how bad it can be to avoid doing things, I still do it all the time.

The thing that's bothering me right now has to do with taxes, because I haven't received slips from all the entities I should have received them from, so I should call them. While there's still time for the tax slips to make it to me. I've had reassessments for the last three years because of one particular slip that I don't get but the government apparently does, but still I'll probably be submitting taxes this year without that one and waiting for the reassessment to come later. :-(

I do my own taxes, but I get my parents' taxes done by someone else. I need to make an appointment... sometime... soon...

I saw 'eye exam' mentioned. I'm in my 40s and I have never, ever, had an eye exam. I've been trying to work up the courage to do something because I'm having some trouble with my eyes but nothing yet.

Doctors? Not likely. When I was feeling really very bad a few years ago I went to a clinic and ended up getting a blood test that said that I was a walking coronary risk from very high cholesterol. I was supposed to fix my diet and get another test done in three months to find out if I needed medication or if I could handle it with diet. I think it was three years before I got the test done again, and only because my girlfriend (I actually had one for a few months) brought me there and held my hand through the ordeal. Happily things were improved a lot so I was supposed to get another test a year later to monitor how I was doing. That was in 2008.

School? Like others have mentioned, I could not get in touch with group members for group projects. A group project, or a teacher who liked to ask questions of me in class, had me skipping class. A lot of classes sometimes. I failed courses because of it.

 

[StupidWiz]

Oh, god, this is the story of my life. I avoid so many things, even when I know there will be bad consequences. Then I end up lying to people to cover up what I avoided (like telling my mom I did something when I didn't). Then I get so ashamed and guilty that I end up avoiding more things, and continuing to lie... it's an awful cycle. It's caused me a lot of problems, especially academically. It's why my grades in high school were so inconsistent. Also, I don't even have to be that nervous about something to avoid it. It's like my default action is avoidance. I think that's one of the reasons I've been diagnosed with AvPD in addition to SA.

This.

It's an awful thing when I refused to do the final task/homework which had a very large contribution to my GPA just because AvPD. And because of that, it hurt my GPA so badly. It's frustrating but I can't do anything about it. I just feel so worthless... ::

 

[Memory]

I was in a similar situation last year. I was given a personal tutor at university, and we met on the first day and then we had no contact until the end of the year where he ended up ringing me to arrange a meeting. I hate phone calls so I didn't pick up his calls, but I did reply to his emails. Felt a bit guilty for that.

I had to call the doctor a year ago too, but luckily, when I eventually got the courage to I couldn't get through so my parents did it for me.

I need to find a job right now as it's summer, but a lot of the time you have to call people, or go into a shop and ask if there's any vacancies, and it's too scary!

So yeah, I know about the whole avoidance thing.

 

[Tripolar]

I completely understand. I can't even get myself to the doctor because the tought of calling and making the appointment is bad enough but I also know that I will then have to go in to the office and fill out a ton of paper work and tell these people my life story and I feel like all they will do is judge me and be all like "well there's nothing wrong with you, your just lazy" or something like that and then I will be forced to freak the hell out on them and then where will I be. I'm actually in a semi O.K place right now and I think that would put me over the edge. So I just don't go to the doctor. Ever.

 

[Darryl]

^this. i am one of the most severe cases.
and it's more than just avoidance and why i avoid. it became a habit, an addiction... not sure even how to explain this phenomenon.

Hi latte,

This phenomenon that your explaining is the "personality" part of Avoidance.

Regards Darryl

 

[Pearldaffodil]

I used to work in human resources and the worst thing was calling people on the phone for reference checks. I would have to really get myself psyched and sometimes I felt really dumb because my mind would go blank. It was really scary!

 

[StupidWiz]

I completely understand. I can't even get myself to the doctor because the tought of calling and making the appointment is bad enough but I also know that I will then have to go in to the office and fill out a ton of paper work and tell these people my life story and I feel like all they will do is judge me and be all like "well there's nothing wrong with you, your just lazy" or something like that and then I will be forced to freak the hell out on them and then where will I be. I'm actually in a semi O.K place right now and I think that would put me over the edge. So I just don't go to the doctor. Ever.

The bold part is what I've been thinking when I decide to explain what's happening to me. People who don't understand this APD will not hesitate to judge you that it's just an excuse for us to blame some disorder in order to avoid being called lazy. I hate this thought but it strikes me that this is the reality that I should face. ::