Asking for advice/ keeping things inside

[UnOccupied]

Anyone else find themselves keeping EVERYTHING inside. Even little things, like how to apply for college, i try to do it ALL myself, and not talk to anyone about it. The main reason is because my dad, whenever i ask him a question, he gives me these lengthy drawn out, hour long answers, that just drag on and on, and i HATE them, and feel i will get those same answers back from other people if i ask them.

I ALWAYS feel better, and work things out better when i talk about them. And usually, it happens as i am asking for help. Like as i say, "hey joey, do you know, blah blah blah". Well, the blah blah blah part it easier to understand and make sense of the second it's said aloud. I want some advice here on how to talk more openly about stuff thats on my mind, instead of trying to deal with everything myself.

Okay, the forums do help, a LOT. BUT, still with me, saying it aloud is way better. Now, im not saying talking about every little detail thats in my brain, im way too scared to do that. But, the easy stuff...anyone got any advice on how to just let it out more easily and more often?

Thanks!

 

[philly2bits]

We're in the same boat there Unoccupied. Although my reason for keeping it in is different in that I feel people will think I'm an idiot or incompetent if I ask for help. Even if they don't say anything I can't shake the feeling they are thinking "You couldn't handle this yourself? What are you 5?" Over time I just stopped asking for any help at all just so I wouldn't think that anymore.

As for advice I have none. I could say things like start with small steps and whatever but I'm sure you tried all that simple stuff already. Maybe it really is as simple as that though. Start small, like asking where an item is in a store even if you already know, just to get your mind used to asking for help.

 

[coyote]

i tend to do this alot, too

I hardly ever ask for help with anything

"I think I'll just lie here for a while under this 2-ton beam until I can figure out how to move it myself"

And yet, when it finally comes down to it, and I confide in someone or ask for a hand, something I've been struggling with suddenly becomes very easy

 

[kihira]

Ask the right people the right questions at the right time?

 

[philly2bits]

Ask the right people the right questions at the right time?

Define right people, right questions and right time.

 

[ripewithdecay]

My personal rule is that it's ok to ask for help for something once, but you should learn from it the first time so that you don't have to ask again.

 

[kihira]

Define right people, right questions and right time.

Well, thinking about where I work, I will consider who is likely to know the answer I seek (also who will provide the best answer, so don't ask Mrs Grumpy); next, frame the question well so that the message is clear; finally choose the best time to ask (when they're not busy? When Mrs G is out of earshot?)

 

[coyote]

Well, thinking about where I work, I will consider who is likely to know the answer I seek (also who will provide the best answer, so don't ask Mrs Grumpy); next, frame the question well so that the message is clear; finally choose the best time to ask (when they're not busy? When Mrs G is out of earshot?)

for me it's more an issue of not wanting to ask anyone in the first place

I'm still trying to figure out why that is though

am i afraid of people judging me for not knowing how to do something or being able to do it myself?

keep talking guys - I'm exploring this idea

 

[kihira]

for me it's more an issue of not wanting to ask anyone in the first place

I'm still trying to figure out why that is though

am i afraid of people judging me for not knowing how to do something or being able to do it myself?

keep talking guys - I'm exploring this idea

Yes, been there. Sharing info is a part of teamwork, thinks I, so I've been getting used to it. Others at work do, so its feels safe to question, in fact it would be "well why didn't you ask?" if something went wrong.

 

[hoddesdon]

for me it's more an issue of not wanting to ask anyone in the first place

I'm still trying to figure out why that is though

am i afraid of people judging me for not knowing how to do something or being able to do it myself?

keep talking guys - I'm exploring this idea

Yes, this is an aspect of perfectionism. It is comparable with the idea that everyone has to like you. Because perfectionism is impossible, that leads to over-analyzing situations afterwards (also known as rumination).

 

[Sial Axetder]

I usually will not ask a thing until I have explored all I know about the problem, situation, circumstance first.

Maybe I am a slight Ruminator!?

Sorry, couldn't provide much help here. I'll be back ... maybe.

 

[philly2bits]

Yes, this is an aspect of perfectionism. It is comparable with the idea that everyone has to like you. Because perfectionism is impossible, that leads to over-analyzing situations afterwards (also known as rumination).

Interesting. I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist though. I do things half-assed all the time and don't give it a second thought.

 

[missjesss]

you should do a personality test to determine whether or not you are Introverted or Extroverted

If your more Introverted we always tend to keep things to ourselves unless we have to ask a question etc

 

[Chriiss]

I find I ask questions too much.. When I'm working and I'm not sure of something I have to ask and it could be the simplest of problems. But I don't have the confidence to back my self so I always ask.

 

[Chriiss]

But it does take me about half an hour to build up and ask the question!

 

[vj288]

Asking questions is one of the hardest things for me to do, unless I'm supposed to ask a question. During classes I never ask questions or go for extra help because I think I'm supposed to know it and figure it out on my own. If I'm driving with someone and don't know what turn to take I ask, because not asking would make it obvious I didn't know where to go if I took the wrong turn, and there is no reason to think I should know where I'm going. I think Hoddesdon is right when he said it's related with perfectionism, but being perfect isn't about doing everything right. It's like throwing a perfect game in baseball. What you need (are supposed to do) is get every out and not walk anyone. This doesn't mean every pitch you throw has to be a perfect strike by any means, no one could ever expect someone to do that (like knowing how to get some where they've never been.)

Sorry if this isn't exactly what the op was talking about, seemed to the vibe I got from the thread though.

 

[dragonoth]

Harsh as it may sound, you have to get over yourself and just ask really! People may or may not judge you for it but that's not important. You can't be expected to know everything

 

[Feathers]

Hey UnO I've had troubles with this too...

It's funny cause sometimes/usually I really appreciate it if people want my opinion, and I appreciate them even more if they ask for opinion/advice, I really like to help people..

My mom is kinda a 'control freak' (likes to have control over things) too and thinks she's the only one who can do things right (often, she is - at least to her high standards, she has troubles delegating and mentoring others and expects mind-reading abilities sometimes)

The horrible thing is, I've been just like her at times!! So, old patterns/habits can be hard to break.. Especially if they've been engrained into the brain by previous generations..

I've usually been able to figure things out myself, it's just time-consuming and physically impossible to do 'everything' - been learning this the hard way, lol!
So, it can save a lot of time (and worry), and possibly make cool and interesting connections, if you ask. And together, you can make more things happen and are stronger than just one.

 

[JamesSmith]

Never underestimate the power of thinking for yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else does.