pinata
Well-known member
Ok, so I was pretty much given a job in a card shop, on a platter, for which I was very grateful. I haven't started yet but I just had "training" which was basically just a health and safety talk and some other crap. For these past few weeks it's like I never had depression, and I've hardly felt like I have anxiety at all, I've been talking quite a bit in uni seminars (with the help of some pills that stop me from shaking like crazy so I feel more relaxed about talking in class).
But today has just thrown me off completely. It's only a small shop, intimate you know. During this training I was with three other people, none of whom will be sales assisstants like me. They're all so LOUD and confident. Not to mention annoying. I feel so ****ing out of place, I am kind of hating on the manager. As soon as I walked in I was like right I have to act confident and be talkative though I'm not in the mood for small talk at all and I feel so awkward. And I thought I was doing a good job. But then the manager was like "You're so quiet, we have to make you open up a bit!" And they were all laughing at me. And I wasn't in the mood at all and when someone points that out I just withdraw more into myself so couldn't really manage to laugh at myself. It just made me more concious of how I was acting and everything. Anyway, there was a guy there training to be an assisstant manager and he seemed ok at first but then he was like "You're a quiet one aren't you!" And it's like what do I say to that?? When the manager was showing us how to use the fire extinguisher she was making all these innuendoes and being rude and it's so awkward, I didn't find it funny and even less so as I can't just act like a bunch of people I just met, who are also considerably older than me, are my friends that I can just joke with. I'd prefer it if they were a bit more proffessional, then I wouldn't feel like I was being quite so awkward.
Anyway, the manager kept on asking if we had any questions so I asked some random stuff but one time she asked again and I was making notes and I thought I'd only need to speak if it's an affirmative answer but I saw in the corner of my eye she made a gesture to the training manager and I looked up and they were looking at me so I was like no I haven't got anything to ask, that's fine. And they were obviously thinking why didn't she speak?? And later she goes again, you're so pure and quiet, we have to change you! And I feel like arghhh it's honestly going to be hell, I hate it and I haven't started, and this isn't even considering the fact I have to use the till and the phone and I want to cry.
Also, the manager and a random customer were bantering. The customer was saying she has a nice butt and she looks nice. Then the customer looks at me and is like "You see this girl, she's slim.. men wouldn't fancy her." And she looks at the manager "Loads of men would fancy YOU because you're curvy." I'm lanky, 5ft 11 with small boobs.. I've always been made fun of for it. But this honestly made me want to cry.. I felt like breaking down in tears right then like how rude! Lately I've been trying to accept I can't change the way I look, I've always been a bit more ok with my body than I am about my face.. Now it's just all gone downhill again! I feel like such a joke, guys laughed at me on the way home, I feel like I must be so unattractive. I can't make myself have bigger boobs, I can't wish myself shorter.. What the ****!!!
But today has just thrown me off completely. It's only a small shop, intimate you know. During this training I was with three other people, none of whom will be sales assisstants like me. They're all so LOUD and confident. Not to mention annoying. I feel so ****ing out of place, I am kind of hating on the manager. As soon as I walked in I was like right I have to act confident and be talkative though I'm not in the mood for small talk at all and I feel so awkward. And I thought I was doing a good job. But then the manager was like "You're so quiet, we have to make you open up a bit!" And they were all laughing at me. And I wasn't in the mood at all and when someone points that out I just withdraw more into myself so couldn't really manage to laugh at myself. It just made me more concious of how I was acting and everything. Anyway, there was a guy there training to be an assisstant manager and he seemed ok at first but then he was like "You're a quiet one aren't you!" And it's like what do I say to that?? When the manager was showing us how to use the fire extinguisher she was making all these innuendoes and being rude and it's so awkward, I didn't find it funny and even less so as I can't just act like a bunch of people I just met, who are also considerably older than me, are my friends that I can just joke with. I'd prefer it if they were a bit more proffessional, then I wouldn't feel like I was being quite so awkward.
Anyway, the manager kept on asking if we had any questions so I asked some random stuff but one time she asked again and I was making notes and I thought I'd only need to speak if it's an affirmative answer but I saw in the corner of my eye she made a gesture to the training manager and I looked up and they were looking at me so I was like no I haven't got anything to ask, that's fine. And they were obviously thinking why didn't she speak?? And later she goes again, you're so pure and quiet, we have to change you! And I feel like arghhh it's honestly going to be hell, I hate it and I haven't started, and this isn't even considering the fact I have to use the till and the phone and I want to cry.
Also, the manager and a random customer were bantering. The customer was saying she has a nice butt and she looks nice. Then the customer looks at me and is like "You see this girl, she's slim.. men wouldn't fancy her." And she looks at the manager "Loads of men would fancy YOU because you're curvy." I'm lanky, 5ft 11 with small boobs.. I've always been made fun of for it. But this honestly made me want to cry.. I felt like breaking down in tears right then like how rude! Lately I've been trying to accept I can't change the way I look, I've always been a bit more ok with my body than I am about my face.. Now it's just all gone downhill again! I feel like such a joke, guys laughed at me on the way home, I feel like I must be so unattractive. I can't make myself have bigger boobs, I can't wish myself shorter.. What the ****!!!
