A violent husband or awful parents?

[humble]

Hello! I'm writing because I need some advice for my sister. She has SA like me and this isn't strange at all, if you consider that we had the same life experiences and our psychological problems are our parents' fault. They are very religious people, thus we always were oppressed. Our parents didn't let her go out and have a good time with friends, didn't let her listen to any kind of music except for religious songs, accused her of having a criminal behaviour only because she liked watching horror films and reading Agatha Christie, threw away her CD's, humiliated her all the time and learned her to accept only people from their church and reject all the others. My sister is much older than me, so she suffered a lot as the years passed and she had never had a relationship, she had never had even a simple date with a boy before. All her life was home, church, work and she suffered from SA as well as depression. So, someday she made her own revolution and met a boy who wasn't from the church, they got very well together and after some time they got engaged and then married. It was the first time that she was really happy and she even didn't have SA problems anymore. But after the marriage it was revealed that his nerves were in a really bad state and he hit her many times for totally unimportant things. But at the same time, when he wasn't nervous he was so sweet and good with her, so there always were the two extremes, angry and violent or angel. I know that he suffers from some psychological problems, he just cannot be normal. These extremes were the reason why my sister had patience with him, she was once very happy and once very sad. One day she couldn't help it anymnore, she left him and returned home. But he begged her so much and said he would change so she got back. Now he has started being furious again, he doesn't hit her, but speaks badly to her and spits her in her face. Once again, when he's ok he's an angel. My sister is facing a huge dilemma, and I think that, no matter how unhappy she would be at start, she would have left him, if our parents were normal. But I know that she finds it very difficult to come back to them and have all those bad things again and she has no money to go somewhere else and live alone. I don't know what to say to her anymore. Note that our parents never accepted her husband, first because he wasn't a church member and second because they saw that he is very nervous. But they don't understand that they also behave very badly. I also know that if my sister gets a divorce, she will never find another man again, she's that kind of person and she will be unhappy for all her life. Apart from the other bad things that our parents do, she will also have to hear all the time that life was unfortunate for her because she didn't "wait for God to find her a husband from the church members, so she was punished". So, what to choose, a violent husband or awful parents? Tell me please!

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, if the husband has moments of placidity and you know he has a psychological problem that's causing this, then therapy might be a good solution. If not, then she may have to leave. If you're living by yourself, then couldn't you take her in? If you aren't, then she may want to go live with your parents. No one should have to put up with being physically hurt. Act as her support when your parents tell her off should she return home.

 

[MikeyC]

I also know that if my sister gets a divorce, she will never find another man again, she's that kind of person and she will be unhappy for all her life.

Really? I don't know about that.

I think she should leave her husband. She shouldn't be subjected to beatings. Is there anywhere else she can go that's not back to the parents?

 

[market.garden]

Neither option sounds ideal, but at least with your parents she wont be at risk from physical abuse. Perhaps it would be better in the short term until she can get back on her feet again? Neither option sounds like a good one to be honest though, unless you can be there to offer her close support and help her through it.

 

[alwayssunnyinphiladelphia]

I think she should leave him untill gets his anger sorted out. Spitting in faces is really bad it's just as disrespectful as hitting her

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Your parents will always be your parents, unfortunately-- you don't get to pick and choose.
You DO get to choose who your husband is, though.
You ALSO get to choose what you put up with in your life.

If her husband is treating her badly and always has-- probably always will; she absolutely does NOT have to put up with it.
If your parents continue to say silly things and try to control your lives, I would say-- you are adults; you don't have to put up with them, either.
Sometimes space from family members is the best cure for controlling relatives.

 

[bcsr]

Oh hell no, she needs to get away from that guy as soon as possible. Jerks like that try to beat women down emotionally and make them feel like they have to stay because no other guy would want them. Who cares if he hasn't hit her yet, spitting in her face is assault, and it's only a matter of time until he does hit her.

If she is too scared of facing him, pack and go when he isn't there, or call the police and do it while they are present. No woman should ever put up with this kind of treatment, it only escalates.

I would advise that she move back in with parents, save some money for a few months, and then get her own place.


edited to remove cursing, sorry, I can't stand domestic violence.

 

[Hoppy]

None of them.

Abusive relationships doesn't end, ever.

I cannot help at all otherwise, but maybe start looking for a shelter for battered women who can help her get back on her feet?

 

[humble]

Thank you very much for the advice guys. Unfortunately, the situation is very difficult, because I'm still at school and I can't live alone at this time. Also, my country is having a very bad financial state and many people are loosing their jobs, my sister lost her job too. Even those who still work, earn so little money, so she can't afford living alone and having to pay the rent. Our parents are poor and can't help her either. She is also sure that her husband loves her and they often have a perfect time together, but the problem is still there, it's so difficult to live with a nervous husband. Maybe a shelter is a point, like hoppy said. Thank you all anyway.