A Rude Awakening!

[Lccska]

It occurred to me as I was reading some of the posts here, that the "non- Social Phobia world" and the "Social Phobia world" don't even speak the same language, so to speak. It hurts to hear that you view the "outside world" as mean, cruel, abusive, etc.. One post was about people asking someone why they are so quiet. It seemed to be viewed as a slap in the face. If I were ever to ask someone, in public, why they were so quiet, that would be my feeble attempt to let you know that you belonged and to help engage you in conversation. I would never be cruel enough to intentionally call notice to your being quiet. My own Daughter has just recently let me know that she views a lot of what I say to her as criticism. That is mind boggling to me. I would do ANYTHING in this world to help her. I can't even imagine why she would think I would be critical of her. I know she is very sensitive and I try to be mindful of that at all times. Most of the "non-Social Phobia" world would never do anything to intentionally hurt any of you. I have anxiety/depression. I thought I might be able to help some of you because I have experience dealing with these issues. I am not mean, cruel, abusive, critical, etc.. I don't see how I can possibly be of any help when we are not speaking the same language. For instance..when my Daughter text messages me and I then text back........ If I put an exclamation mark at the end of the message, it was intended to show support for her. She then calls me to ask if I'm mad or being critical of her. To begin with, I hate texting. I only do so because she is more comfortable with texting than talking on the phone. I know she feels fragile right now. Doesn't she know me in the least? How can she leap to criticism from an exclamation mark?
My only point in posting this message is to try to reach out and explain to the "Social Phobic" world that I, the "non-Social Phobic" world, would NEVER intentionally hurt you. We are completely misreading the other. I think by trying to draw you into a conversation that I am being helpful. You apparently see it as my way of humiliating you. Does that make since? That would never be my intention. I'm at a loss for words right now as I don't have a clue on how to fix this problem. Just please know that I, the "non-Social Phobic" world, apologize for the pain I have caused you. But also know that that was never my intention.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Oh, I'm sure it's not your intention at all.

You are obviously a loving mother and I know that my mom would never try to be mean to me but I am very sensitive and the fact is; I'm just wired differently.

I think many of us are.
If the way we think and perceive and see things can only be changed through intensive therapy and years of practice... doesn't that mean we're definitely different? We definitely 'speak a different language'?
I think so.
I always try to be mindful that people are probably not intentionally trying to hurt me but my mind always seems to perceive what people say as insults rather than compliments.

As I say often;
People are people. No one is perfect.
What seems like common sense to one person may seem outrageous to another.
We may speak different languages but we're all human beings and as long as we're living together on this planet, we have to deal with it. Get along with people, work, love, live.
It's difficult for everyone at times--- always for some people but everyone feels pain and some people are just more sensitive to it.


I don't think you owe anyone an apology but it is nice to hear that you care even if you don't understand.
Thankyou.

 

[Mickery]

You are not alone! I've often found myself surprised by the forum.

 

[Kiwong]

Unfortunately Lccksa, the world has hurt all of us, some intentionally through bullying/relationship breakups/violence, and some unintentionally due to misunderstandings caused by extreme sensitivity. The world can be mean and cruel, but it can also be wonderful and inspriring, these are the facts.

I know you wouldn't hurt anyone yourself, but you are only one individual in the world. Why aren't we speaking the same language?

Personally, I don't like the idea of a dichotomy between the non-social phobic world or the social phobic world, I like to think we are all part of the world. I am a part of the world and I suffer from anxiety and depression, but I am not better or worse or different to anyone else.

Anxiety seems to be an almost infinitely variable problem, and I have to admit that I don't understand all the varying types of problems on here. But I do think I share an understanding of how debilitating these problems can be.

 

[megalon]

Yeah some people can jump to conclusions whenever anyone talks to them. Most people wouldn't say anything intentionally harmful. Maybe it's a defense mechanism.

 

[Lccska]

Kiwong- you are correct. I should not have differentiated between the "2 worlds". I'm just surprised at how people with Social Phobia view the world. I think the problem is my own, as I feel I has hurt my Daughter. My "world" is anxiety/panic/depression. Do you actually believe that I haven't been hurt? And I've been overweight most of my life to boot. Everyone in the world knows hurt.

This forum has no place for me. My only intention was to help. I don't believe I can do that. I truly, truly wish you all the best!!!!!

TheAristocrat- I imagine you love basking in your misery. Have at it. But I do hope that one day you will grow up and find your place in this world.

 

[Waybuloo]

I get what you are trying to say and I do believe some people can be genuinely concerned or puzzled as to why someone doesn't talk, and would ask that question in that context. However, a lot of people in society have an inner bully that loves to make other 'weaker' people squirm, so if they see you are quiet, it gives them ammunition to humiliate you. I've had that done to me. I've had people sit behind me at work laugh about the way I answer phones, and make jokes about me being quiet, within my earshot. I've had a colleague dismiss me and not invite me to a discussion because he said I couldn't communicate. I've also had another coworker ask me if i'm alright because i'm quiet, but it was clear to me that she was concerned rather than being bitchy.

So generalisations don't work either way.

 

[Srijita52]

As a sufferer of anxiety,you must understand how
self-concious we can be when facing the situations that make us most anxious.Its just when ppl make coments like'Why are you so quiet?' it increases our nervousness more & more.Plus ppl never put this in a nice way.They're always like"You're so quiet!!Can't you talk..." or,"God you're boring!"Its also true that some of us(not everyone)already resent the fact that we can't contribute too much in a conversation & these comments only make us feel more inferior.As a person who got picked on a lot I can tell you that I definitely don't like to be called "the quiet girl".I'm trying not to care about it though.But its just not easy.....

 

[Kiwong]

Kiwong- you are correct. I should not have differentiated between the "2 worlds". I'm just surprised at how people with Social Phobia view the world. I think the problem is my own, as I feel I has hurt my Daughter. My "world" is anxiety/panic/depression. Do you actually believe that I haven't been hurt? And I've been overweight most of my life to boot. Everyone in the world knows hurt.

This forum has no place for me. My only intention was to help. I don't believe I can do that. I truly, truly wish you all the best!!!!!

TheAristocrat- I imagine you love basking in your misery. Have at it. But I do hope that one day you will grow up and find your place in this world.

There is definately a place for you here, Lccksa. Each of our problems is individual, very much our own, but with some commonalities.

I'm sure you can find some help here, in the many of the forums and posts. There are threads about those concerned with body image, threads on irrational thinking, there are threads on cognitive behaviour therapy, exercise and relaxation techniques.

And you may notice in my post that I did say we all have been hurt by the world, and in that reference I meant everyone, including yourself. A misunderstanding and a senstive conclusion reached? Very common in anxiety sufferers.

My world is also anxiety and depression too, but I find help here, in so many ways beyond being a sufferer of social anxiety.

 

[BlueDays]

...My only intention was to help...

TheAristocrat- I imagine you love basking in your misery. Have at it. But I do hope that one day you will grow up and find your place in this world.

Can you understand that people with social phobia have often been so severely criticized that we read comments like those in bold as critical and insulting.When people make comments like that they may think they are being helpful, but it just makes social phobics feel even worse because it is being critical of who they are.

 

[Lccska]

I apologize for the drama. Though my Daughter has to find her own way in life, I am naturally effected by her pain and struggles. She's such a brilliant and talented young woman. It's hard for me to know that I hurt her, even as unintentional as it was. I need to focus on how I can help my her right now. I know so little about Social Phobia. And I need to do some work on myself too. I'm hypersensitive because I feel so inadequate right now. Thank you all for your comments. I reread them and I fully understand what you were all saying.
Okay now, lets call a spade a spade. TheAristocrat had no problem telling me I was unnecessarily consuming oxygen. Therefore........I should die? And I should feel badly for telling him I believe he wallows in his suffering? He said exactly what he meant, and so did I. Neither needs to apologize. We were expressing our true contempt for each other.

 

[Pyrophosphate]

You two (Aristocrat and Lccska) quit it. I don't know what your disagreement was, but now you're just flinging insults at each other, and I'd be surprised if this thread wasn't locked for it.

 

[Kiwong]

I'm pretty sure that Aristoctrats original comment was not directed at anyone. It was a reflection on the cruelness of the world, anf oxygen theifs in general.

Also my original comment about being hurt referred to all people.

Perhaps we all share a trait in common, the tendency to be over senstitive to comments or words that we think are directed at us and are naegative, but upon reflection in fact are not.

Something that can be helpful is to catch a thought, test it, before reaching a conclusion. The basis of CBT.

 

[coyote]

Dear Lccska,

TheAristocrat's original response was not directed at you - he was offering an explanation as to why the very phenomenon exists that you so eloquently stated in your original post.

The reason why he draws that line between himself and the rest of the world is because he gets knocked down every time he thinks things are beginning to go well.

Dear TheAristocrat,

Quit being a snooty snoot wearing his big boy pants. You don't need to be so defensive. She's trying to help and misunderstood your rather vague and esoteric comment.

Dear Everyone,

play nice - we're all on the same team

 

[Pacific_Loner]

One post was about people asking someone why they are so quiet. It seemed to be viewed as a slap in the face. If I were ever to ask someone, in public, why they were so quiet, that would be my feeble attempt to let you know that you belonged and to help engage you in conversation. ...

I know it's probably a useless answer, but the reason why this question is so totally annoying, is that, what the hell are we supposed to answer? Because I have a brain problem? I mean, it's the worst way to start a conversation EVER. Even worst if it's in front of other people in a conversation that is already happening. I'm pretty good to answer to someone who is trying to communicate with me, but if they start with why are you so quiet, it just leaves me speechless. It's like if I'm starting a conversation with a bald person asking "sooo where did your hair go?" ... or something. Hmm maybe not the best example. Anyway you see my point.

 

[MagicPotion]

You know the more I actually encounter the residents of the big, bad world of 'normal' people the more I realise it was all in my head.

When I actually made an effort to chat with people at work, despite my anxiety, forcing myself to open up - they were alright. I was shocked. I expected them to hate me, eventually at least, but the more we spoke the friendlier they were. A couple even added me on Facebook and asked me along to work events.

My ex-girlfriend said she learned a lot from me, and now she doesn't judge 'shy' people in the same way. She used to think she was being ignored by 'us', now she makes an effort to befriend quiet or shy people.

Heck the more I'm actually able to give 'normal' people a chance, the more I realise they're basically alright. Even my old neighbour here (before he vanished), who was a criminal and had very noisy schizophrenic episodes, was suprisingly friendly and civil during day to day matters.

Lccska - I admire you for making such an effort to understand your daughter. My mum did the same and it helped me a lot. She tried to understand depression and social phobia and even read up on it, and it helped a load - before that she used to get angry and frustrated at me.

Lot of people on here are very heartbroken of course.

EDIT: Okay let me sort that rambling into some actual points before I kill another thread.

A.) Non-SA People are not psychic and will usually misinterpret our behaviour negatively. We will often do the same to them. Once they understand it - or we meet them halfway and try to think less negative about them and not be standoffish - they can be suprisingly accomodating.

B.) My ex thought quiet people were 'weird' but being with me, she learned that we're not and we want to talk to people we just don't know how and are scared of it. Now she understands and tries to meet 'us' half-way

C.) My boss at work kept going 'why are you so quiet - we don't like quiet people here' etc. It made me even quieter of course, as I felt even more self-concious. But she just didn't understand why I was quiet, she wasn't trying to hurt me deliberately, she was just trying to prod me into being more sociable. She had my best interests at heart and wanted me to be more involved in the workplace banter etc.