4 years of being single (not even a single date)

[zav943]

Hey everyone,

New member here.

It's way past my bedtime (I have to get to work at 8:00 am tomorrow), but my mind is not at ease...

Background: I have four good friends at work and all of them are in serious relationships. Just yesterday, we were having lunch and for its full duration, all they talked about was how great their partners were.

Back home, the few friends that I'm in touch with are also in relationships (or at least in and out of relationships), one of whom I was very deeply infatuated with (until I found out she was dating someone I know).

It's stupid to get jealous of your friends - I know - but I couldn't help it lately...even if it's been 4 years since my last (and only) relationship.

Quite often, given the beautiful weather, I like to go on walks/jogs in the park, or shopping at the mall...and I see that at least 60% of the people my age walking around are holding hands with someone/are clearly attached to them.

I feel terribly left out, and I can't shake off the 'what's wrong with me?' line of thought.

I'm having a hard time focusing at work (which is a problem because I work with very tight deadlines) and I'm receding from what very little social life I have...

I need to deal with this in a timely way because my manager has started to see a slump in my performance...I can't just "wait it out". Is there anything I can do about this? Should I join a support group?

Thanks everyone!

 

[Waybuloo]

Ask your friends if they know any single acquaintances, that is possibly a good way to meet people as they are more likely to be on your level. Other than that join hobby groups on the internet who also do meet ups. Then there is internet dating.

But it sounds more like you are fed up of being single because you feel left out, but do you want to find someone because you want that connection?

 

[zav943]

Ask your friends if they know any single acquaintances, that is possibly a good way to meet people as they are more likely to be on your level. Other than that join hobby groups on the internet who also do meet ups. Then there is internet dating.

But it sounds more like you are fed up of being single because you feel left out, but do you want to find someone because you want that connection?

I honestly don't know.

I just feel like I'm missing out on something almost all people experience in life (dating)...I've never asked a girl out and have only been on ONE date in my life. I also don't know what it's like having someone to care about (and that cares about you) intimately...my last relationship was, for the most part, physical.

I just feel like I have a lot to offer to someone special...I like to think I take very good care of the people I care about.

 

[HH]

it can be tough, hell i've been single for 30 years so i know all about it. Try and just concentrate on your work and get engrossed in it, the last you want is to loose your job.

 

[cosmosis]

But it sounds more like you are fed up of being single because you feel left out, but do you want to find someone because you want that connection?

I like how you put that. I've noticed that good relationships seem to never come out necessity or that feeling that you HAVE to have a relationship. You have to genuinely want it for what it is. It sounds cliche, but its so true. In real life, I've never met anyone as anti-social as I am..but when I met the right person, my desire to connect with them was stronger than my fears and anxieties. I just wanted to be with them more than I 'needed' to and the rest took care of itself.

 

[Kinetik]

I've been in several toxic relationships and I know that even when things are (privately) crap between two people, they have a tendency to cover it up and want to appear as if everything's under control. Pretense is the name of the game with many couples, but I guarantee it's not nearly as pleasant as they would have you believe. Being single has so many benefits, and having a partner does not make you any more attractive, because anyone can get a girlfriend/boyfriend provided they put themselves out there. So enjoy the boons of doing your own thing, and know that you can and will find someone if you really want it.

 

[ryan2022]

Ive been there for a two year stint, and it is tough.

Try online dating....there is NO shame in that. I have several friends who ended up in good solid relationships.

At the least it'll be an eye opener to that fact that there are a lot of singles out there, and none of them are perfect.

 

[Ignace]

It could be worse.

 

[iamthenra]

All I can say is that I am right there with ya.... Only I've wanted a relationship since I was 10 years old, and now I am going to be 42... If you find the secret recipe for a relationship please pass it along. I hate being single, as allot of us here feel the same way! ::

 

[Feathers]

I can relate! Zav, at least you have a job and technically you could get a relationship 'like that'... For me, it was not knowing how to go about things and not wanting a conventional career path that was part of the problem.

And the fact I can see myself doing so many differnt things in my life and could in a way click with so many different people - how can I choose just one? I feel limited with who other people are and what they want.. Maybe if there was someone with similar interests (at least the important ones...)

I got asked for dates online and didn't really dare to go...

I see people my age or younger, and they are happily together, married or otherwise... I'm reading a book by Susan Page, 'If I'm So Wonderful Why Am I still Single' and it's great! Some things are clicking in my mind! (About the ambivalence etc. It starts a bit boring, some cool exercises there.. Makes you think and see things differently..)

 

[goldenholds]

Hey, I am single too, have been my entire adult life, and I am 37. It used to really get to me, and made me feel very embarrassed and abnormal. I thought everyone else had it all and were happy. But the older I get the more I see that that is not true. For the most part, even though everyone I know is in a relationship, it now seems to me that I am more content than most of them, and that some of them even envy my freedom. I am glad that I did not get into a relationship just for the sake of having one. I like my independence, and I will only surrender it when I have a connection with someone that is important to me. Only once have I had that kind of connection with someone, and I believe it is because of that experience that I am able to be content with being alone now. Because even though I am alone, I do not feel lonely. I suspect that there are a lot of people out there who are with someone, yet are still very lonely. So I guess that makes me a lucky man. The single 37 year old guy, who has always been single, is anxious in the presence of women, never had a date, never even kissed a woman, and confuses the crap out of people for being perpetually single, thinks that he is a lucky man. One wonders what kind of woman could do that to a man. One wonders indeed.

 

[picklebarrel]

I'm there with you. Last girlfriend was about 5 years ago (****, maybe 6) in high school. Didn't have anything but missed opportunities in college and now here I am, a college grad with basically no girl experience. I understand where you are coming from though. My closest friends have girlfriends and it's kind of frustrating at times because I'm always down to just kick it and what not but they have to do stuff with their girls. Sometimes I'm stoked that I don't have a relationship because I can play as much music as I want, be as lazy as I want, etc while my friends always have something to worry about. Also, one of my friends constantly complains about his relationship and tells me that it's truthfully not even worth it.

Anyway man, keep trying to chug away at work, I know it's hard. I just got a job a few months ago and my performance has slumped because I'm down in the dumps for the same reason. It's hard to get engrossed in work I don't really care about. In college it was easy for me to forget about the fact that I couldn't connect with a girl and just sit in the library most of the day reading and writing. But when I'm doing tasks at work that I could give two ****s about my brain starts in with the rampant thinking.

 

[UnOccupied]

Its so weird reading everyones entries here. I am basically the same way as you all. I havn't had a gf since senior year of high school. Now, I am in college, and havn't had a single date since. I am so uncomfortable with everything lately. Its like when i was younger, i didnt think about who i was or the effect i had on people. But, now its all i can think about. I always think to myself that i will be normal again sooner or later, but that time just never seems to come. I am going to graduate next year from college, and all my buddies at school and at home all have girls all the time, except me it seems.
Its kind of sad that this helps me, but a few of my friends at home actually have nothing going on with girls either, and this kind of helps. I feel like because of that, I dont care as much, because i'm not constantly around it all the time.

The worst part about my situation is that i am actually a good looking guy. Sounds corny, but i really am. I can also tell, because lots of times, i get "the eyes" from girls who i am attracted to, but i obviously NEVER make a move, because i talk to bad to myself about it. Also, my Dad constantly asks me lately, Hey, why dont you ever bring girls home, i dont know whats going on with you. Then he tells me im good looking, and he wishes he looked like me when he was younger.

I realized a long time ago that i would rather be outgoing and comfortable in my own skin, and with talking to people than have looks.


ANYWAY, enough about myself, this is your thread. About work, make sure you weigh your options. I plan on only working for 10 years when im older, and moving to another country, away from my family and everything. So, if you need the money, you need to stick it out at work, or stop spending so much. If not, then you have the freedom to get whatever job you aspire to have, and go for it.