Self Confidence.

Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
I don't really like to start new topics and I ain't been here for a couple of weeks but...I need help with something. I am struggling with confidence in myself. I feel worthless every time I wake up till I go to sleep. Every time I talk to someone else I always assume I am "beneath" them before even conversing with them or discovering what kind of person they are. I feel like I don't amount to anything in life. My father and his father was in the Military and I was supposed to be in the Military also, instead...I took a backseat and became a fireman.

I get a sense of my father being ashamed, he doesn't show it but I know he wanted me to be something else. He's a great guy and helps me as much as he can, but I feel like I have failed. Also my mother wanted this "hip" young son that goes out every weekend trying to "pull" chicks. Instead she got a quiet timid fireman instead of an amazing army lad as a son. It used to annoy me how she put blokes first before her son all the time because of the disappointment in me. It was like saying "Fine if you don't want to go out and enjoy yourself I will for you".

I guess this is just a rant and no one off the forums gives a crap, so I am just trying to figure out how to help myself out of this mess. Guilt, confusion and anger. I find myself slipping away from people more and more, and it's hard when you have a job like mine. Lack of communication can hinder my job, I am scared I will just end up quitting because of my anxiety of people in social situations. I think it's getting worse by the day because of all these thoughts running through my head.

My mother was also an important factor in my anxiety issues, she left me and my father at the age of 14 because she "hadn't lived life" she made me feel like I was hindering her progress to happiness. I was the bind keeping her tied down, I could see her enjoying herself with all the ****ing blokes she went out with after leaving me and my father. Wonderful women that she was, she loved to rub in her enjoyment every time I visited her.

I am scared if I don't sort out this problem of Guilt and anger It could result in major consequences in my life.

Anyway, rant over. Thanks for reading this massive rant if you did.
 
EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
I read it.

We don't not care.
It's just difficult to show over a forum.
Care, I mean

I feel bad about your mother. That was selfish of her. How blind she is, not to see the harm she is doing. I can relate quite closely with my own situation with my father. He up and left, I believe when I was 14. He originally left for a new job, but, turns out in the back of his head he was really looking for a new life, where he wouldn't have to be slotted into 'family life' expectations. I suspect that he left so he could have all the fun my mother didn't like him having. Although, the sucker ended up getting his 'girlfriend' pregnant and now he's stuck in an even worse situation! Ha!

Both of these people simply care more about themselves, and are unable to see that they can cause damage. In a sense, your mother might have low self esteem just like you. Things are passed down in this way. She might not realize the damage she has done to you because maybe she, behind all those defenses, doesn't understand how she could affect anybody.
I don't know much about gaining confidence because I'm in your rut, too. But, I do know that when you do things that you don't want to do, you come out of it with more appreciation and confidence. I think conquering our every fear is how we gain confidence, but of course it's hard to face fears without confidence. So we have to break that cycle.
 
Confuseddd

Confuseddd

Well-known member
Man, i felt exactly like you. I felt ashamed just to be, me.

Buddy please , go take a look in the mirror and smile, you are unique , and you are loved.
You are something special that no one else can mimick , and some people dont understand what its like to think differently
"The surest way to corrupt youth is to tell the child, to hold in esteem those who think alike rather then those who think differently"
All you are man, is all you are. Thats enough, and it is no fault of your own if others dont
accept that. My father left me at a young age , i didnt know why , never really understood it i guess. there was a point i just stopped caring , for him to be able to do that to me, all that shows is his lack of responsibility, lack of loyalty, lack of honor, and i dont beat myself up any more. Hes missing out. Your mother is missing out. You dont deserve to live your life being ashamed of who you are. Your better then what others make you out to be. When you approach someone , you are JUST as good as they are . You are a human, just as much as the next person. Never get down on yourself because of what others wanted for you because its not about that. Its about what you want for yourself.
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
EscapeArtist said:
I read it.

We don't not care.
It's just difficult to show over a forum.
Care, I mean

I feel bad about your mother. That was selfish of her. How blind she is, not to see the harm she is doing. I can relate quite closely with my own situation with my father. He up and left, I believe when I was 14. He originally left for a new job, but, turns out in the back of his head he was really looking for a new life, where he wouldn't have to be slotted into 'family life' expectations. I suspect that he left so he could have all the fun my mother didn't like him having. Although, the sucker ended up getting his 'girlfriend' pregnant and now he's stuck in an even worse situation! Ha!

Both of these people simply care more about themselves, and are unable to see that they can cause damage. In a sense, your mother might have low self esteem just like you. Things are passed down in this way. She might not realize the damage she has done to you because maybe she, behind all those defenses, doesn't understand how she could affect anybody.
I don't know much about gaining confidence because I'm in your rut, too. But, I do know that when you do things that you don't want to do, you come out of it with more appreciation and confidence. I think conquering our every fear is how we gain confidence, but of course it's hard to face fears without confidence. So we have to break that cycle.
Click to expand...

Thing is....my mother passed away about a year ago and I can't figure out what was in that head of hers now. I feel like I have missed something I could of helped with if at all. I'm sorry about your father I can completely relate to that. I don't know how you have dealt with it in the past but I always just ended up shutting my self off from society and thus creating this hell I can't break loose of. I just need to figure out what to do to start to break this horrible cycle of negative thoughts and actions.

This is hard and believe me when I say I have tried. Every weekend my work mates try and get me out to "pull" women or have a drink but that situation always comes back to what my mother wanted me to be, I kind of despise what she was and it sickens me when I have to go out and "try" to enjoy myself. So I just sit in, read a book, play video games or watch films. Even this is now depressing me because I know I need to work on my problems but I can't when I just do nothing. It's like I try and help myself and and reminded of what the type of person my mother was...It sickens me.

Anyway yeah I didn't mean you guys don't care, I mean people OFF the forum don't give a crap. (Like people in work, acquaintances etc). This forum is great for support.
 
Smurfette

Smurfette

Well-known member
Don't live up to other's expectations. Live up to your own expections. You are doing awesome. C'mon, really? Firefighter? I bet u I was scrubbing toilets when I was ur age (I assume u are younger bcuz most ppl seem to be). Stop trying to please others bcuz it will NEVER happen. Ever. Unfortunately. I'm proud of you! :)
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
Confuseddd said:
Man, i felt exactly like you. I felt ashamed just to be, me.

Buddy please , go take a look in the mirror and smile, you are unique , and you are loved.
You are something special that no one else can mimick , and some people dont understand what its like to think differently
"The surest way to corrupt youth is to tell the child, to hold in esteem those who think alike rather then those who think differently"
All you are man, is all you are. Thats enough, and it is no fault of your own if others dont
accept that. My father left me at a young age , i didnt know why , never really understood it i guess. there was a point i just stopped caring , for him to be able to do that to me, all that shows is his lack of responsibility, lack of loyalty, lack of honor, and i dont beat myself up any more. Hes missing out. Your mother is missing out. You dont deserve to live your life being ashamed of who you are. Your better then what others make you out to be. When you approach someone , you are JUST as good as they are . You are a human, just as much as the next person. Never get down on yourself because of what others wanted for you because its not about that. Its about what you want for yourself.
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I try to tell myself on a daily basis that I am different, Unique and have a strange but acceptable sense of humor. But it's like the whole family expected more. I also accepted myself a long time ago but....my mothers death brought back painful memories and thus has made me think what I could of done if I made the effort, to help her that is. I despise the person she became and did nothing about it. I also get the distinct feeling from the family I was the cause of her death, no one has said anything but I get that feeling when I walk into the room of everyone acting differently and more cold with me. I have accepted who I am and I am happy with my feelings opinions etc. Just not happy with my actions which possibly could of resulted in my mothers passing (Alcohol poisoning). If maybe I would of been the person she wanted, she may of been alive today. Who knows. I am sorry about your father also, I've been there, it hurts.

Thank you though.
 
EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
I just had to add, a firefighter isn't good enough for you family? I find that shocking! Firefighters are some of the most prided, respected and admired people in the world!
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
Smurfette said:
Don't live up to other's expectations. Live up to your own expections. You are doing awesome. C'mon, really? Firefighter? I bet u I was scrubbing toilets when I was ur age (I assume u are younger bcuz most ppl seem to be). Stop trying to please others bcuz it will NEVER happen. Ever. Unfortunately. I'm proud of you! :)
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Haha yeah but you don't understand how much the Army was rammed down my throat as a kid. Taking a backseat and breaking a family tradition is pretty bad. I am 22 and my family had plans for me to be in Sandhurst officer school. All that expectation gone down the hill because of my insecurities of the military. I don't like the thought of having to kill someone because your country demands it. Would weigh more guilt on my conscious. On the other hand I did screw up my whole family and viewed as a failure. I just want a family that accepts me, understands, who and what I am. Also thank you :).
 
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Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
EscapeArtist said:
I just had to add, a firefighter isn't good enough for you family? I find that shocking! Firefighters are some of the most prided, respected and admired people in the world!
Click to expand...

Family tradition.

My grandfather was a Paratrooper.

My father was a sergeant in the 3 paratrooper core.

I was to be an officer in the 4 para core.

Family tradition is strong with my family.

Most of my uncles and cousins are/were in the army. I'm basically the only young one that isn't.
 
MsBuzzkillington

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
I am not quite sure if I will be able to explain my thoughts correctly, but I will try. I might skip around a bit.

Even if having a baby caused your mom to feel tied down, it was absolutely not YOU who was in the wrong. It wasn't you personally. It was her, for being selfish. It's not you as a person, it's nothing you've done. Nothing you could have done differently. Some parents are just extremely selfish people and they don't realize or care how their actions are going to affect you.

Absolutely nothing you did, caused your mom to leave or to drink. She was the one who made the decision on her own, and it was her and only her that was responsible for her death.

It's possible that your family feels really bad for you and they don't know how to act around you now. They know you are hurting, but they don't know how to reach out and help you. The "coldness" may be them not wanting to say the wrong thing and hurt you, or they might be afraid they will do the wrong thing and make things harder for you. Of course, acting this way makes it worse, but these situations are hard.

Babies are just babies, kids are just kids. They learn how to be people, from their parents. So it's not like you came walking out of the womb, talking with a personality and desires... and that some how "turned her off." You were helpless, innocent, and just needed love. So, I guess really, I keep getting at... it's not you personally, not you as a person, it's not who you are that caused anything. It was her and only her.

And I am really sorry that you had to go through that, that's really tough. We look up to our parents for love and acceptance, you deserve all of that. I hope that you start learning to trust people again and allow yourself to open up and get all that love you deserve.

I always seem to ramble. Sorry, haha. Hope it wasn't too long.

Also, there were a few more posts while I was typing. haha.

I want to add.

When you take a chance and you live your dreams for you, and only you, even if it goes against the grain, even if it goes against your family... that is the farthest thing from a failure. That is about the most successful thing a person could ever do. That is the most courageous thing a person could do. So many people would give their right arm to have made the same decision when they had the chance.
 
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Smurfette

Smurfette

Well-known member
I respect you for standing up for what u want and believe. It must be hard not to have ur family's support. I feel bad for you in that respect but it is not your job to keep a tradition nor is it ur job to impress ur family. What u are doing is awesome and u are still helping others. You are more of a man in my sight because of your conscience. I admire you. Keep doing what ur doing and don't feel bad about ur decision! All the best and good luck! You have lots of support.
 
3lefts

3lefts

Well-known member
Not good enough?! You are a fireman!
That is a very respectful job, don't give it up! You help people, you save lives, I don't see how that's any different than a military man. War is a corrupt business, but have you ever heard of a corrupt fireman?!
I think you are a tremendously good person, and you're parents choices aren't because of you. They're their own problems. You are not meant to grow up fulfilling their desires, you're meant to grow up and be your own person. They should be proud of you for that and if they weren't so self-focused they'd realize that what makes you happy is more important in your life, and what makes them happy is for their own.
You are an amazing person! Accept who you're parents are, and accept that you're not meant to be them and that's ohk. That's better than ohk, that's progress.
 
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Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
MsBuzzkillington said:
I am not quite sure if I will be able to explain my thoughts correctly, but I will try. I might skip around a bit.

Even if having a baby caused your mom to feel tied down, it was absolutely not YOU who was in the wrong. It wasn't you personally. It was her, for being selfish. It's not you as a person, it's nothing you've done. Nothing you could have done differently. Some parents are just extremely selfish people and they don't realize or care how their actions are going to affect you.

Absolutely nothing you did, caused your mom to leave or to drink. She was the one who made the decision on her own, and it was her and only her that was responsible for her death.

It's possible that your family feels really bad for you and they don't know how to act around you now. They know you are hurting, but they don't know how to reach out and help you. The "coldness" may be them not wanting to say the wrong thing and hurt you, or they might be afraid they will do the wrong thing and make things harder for you. Of course, acting this way makes it worse, but these situations are hard.

Babies are just babies, kids are just kids. They learn how to be people, from their parents. So it's not like you came walking out of the womb, talking with a personality and desires... and that some how "turned her off." You were helpless, innocent, and just needed love. So, I guess really, I keep getting at... it's not you personally, not you as a person, it's not who you are that caused anything. It was her and only her.

And I am really sorry that you had to go through that, that's really tough. We look up to our parents for love and acceptance, you deserve all of that. I hope that you start learning to trust people again and allow yourself to open up and get all that love you deserve.

I always seem to ramble. Sorry, haha. Hope it wasn't too long.

Also, there were a few more posts while I was typing. haha.

I want to add.

When you take a chance and you live your dreams for you, and only you, even if it goes against the grain, even if it goes against your family... that is the farthest thing from a failure. That is about the most successful thing a person could ever do. That is the most courageous thing a person could do. So many people would give their right arm to have made the same decision when they had the chance.
Click to expand...

I thank you for your advice, I never really thought of how making a decision like I made could of been something somebody could of been proud of. I really appreciate your thoughts on the situation. I always thought I could of done something to help my family like already assuming it was my fault. I still feel like I could of done more, but knowing really that it wasn't possibly my fault does help the situation. It also frustrates me how my family can't just say to me what there feelings are so they just hide behind coldness. I don't want that now. I never wanted that.

Anyway you don't ramble at all ::p:
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
Smurfette said:
I respect you for standing up for what u want and believe. It must be hard not to have ur family's support. I feel bad for you in that respect but it is not your job to keep a tradition nor is it ur job to impress ur family. What u are doing is awesome and u are still helping others. You are more of a man in my sight because of your conscience. I admire you. Keep doing what ur doing and don't feel bad about ur decision! All the best and good luck! You have lots of support.
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This is why I thought my family would of been proud. Thank you so much, it means a lot hearing that from another human.
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
3lefts said:
Not good enough?! You are a fireman!
That is a very respectful job, don't give it up! You help people, you save lives, I don't see how that's any different than a military man. War is a corrupt business, but have you ever heard of a corrupt fireman?!
I think you are a tremendously good person, and you're parents choices aren't because of you. They're their own problems. You are not meant to grow up fulfilling their desires, you're meant to grow up and be your own person. They should be proud of you for that and if they weren't so self-focused they'd realize that what makes you happy is more important than what makes them happy.
You are an amazing person! Accept who you're parents are, and accept that you're not meant to be them and that's ohk. That's better than ohk, that's progress.
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Thank you for your support, I just want a family that is proud and not expecting to keep up family tradition, it actually makes me feel a lot better about myself that people give me more support than my family. I think a Fireman in my fathers eyes and my family's is just a cowards way out because basically we don't risk our lives as much as our troops in Iraq or Afghanistan. I don't believe that at all but I think that's what my family believes. I would just like a family. Not an awkward family. If I can't work on their problems accepting me, I will have to move on but it would hurt me even more not being in contact with my family.

Seriously though thank you for the support.
 
Pacific_Loner

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
I think the fact that you were able to choose your own path and have your own opinion about army shows that you are smart and knows how to think by yourself and take your own decisions, instead of just doing what you're told.
This is a shame that you have low self confidence (as lots of other people here do and should not), I don't know you but for what I know you are very funny and you have a very noble job. You seem to think that your actions and behaviors are responsable for other's worries, I know how you feel, same for me, but it is useless to keep feeling guilty, it's unproductive. Don't blame yourself for other's worries, you have enough with your own. Just keep taking your own choices and be what you want to be and do what you can to be a good person as you seem to be doing, this is the best you can do and I think this is the good thing to do.
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
Pacific_Loner said:
I think the fact that you were able to choose your own path and have your own opinion about army shows that you are smart and knows how to think by yourself and take your own decisions, instead of just doing what you're told.
This is a shame that you have low self confidence (as lots of other people here do and should not), I don't know you but for what I know you are very funny and you have a very noble job. You seem to think that your actions and behaviors are responsable for other's worries, I know how you feel, same for me, but it is useless to keep feeling guilty, it's unproductive. Don't blame yourself for other's worries, you have enough with your own. Just keep taking your own choices and be what you want to be and do what you can to be a good person as you seem to be doing, this is the best you can do and I think this is the good thing to do.
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It's strange that I've had more support from this thread than anyone in a long time. I do feel like I should be proud of the decisions I have made, I just want my family to accept me. Unfortunately I can't really do anything about that because of their own insecurities, mainly I want my father to accept who I am and what I do. He is the closest family member I have left.

I try not to feel guilty on a daily basis but just small things that remind me of my mother bring back memories of what I could of "supposedly" done. It's a strange sensation, you know that there is nothing you could of done, but in the back of your mind something is telling you that you could of done a lot more, made her happier and accepted me if I just became what they wanted me to become.

I am proud of the fact that I chose my own path, but angry at the fact that I want my family's acceptance more than anything now in the world. It's complex. But this thread has helped me accept who I am a little more thanks to the support. I thank you all.
 
Aussie_Lad

Aussie_Lad

Well-known member
Has your family actually told you that they don't like you being a fireman, or is that just your assumption? If it's the later, you might find that they are actually quite proud of you. If it's the former, then what does it matter, you are living your life and they are living theirs. Nobody can force anything down your throat.
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
Brooklynn said:
We talked in the IM's tonight Anti. I feel horrible about your narcissistic mother and what you had to go through. When growing up as a young boy, boys need their mothers on an emotional level. I learned that in college before I left, soon to be going back as I told you that tonight already. Just keep your head up, dear. Your mother will get her karma if she hasn't already. Nobody can hide from karma.
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Yet again, thank you for the support. I don't know if I was ever emotionally attached to my mother, always felt angry at her more than anything, but a sense of hope remained so I kept visiting her. Least where ever the hell she is, she's getting what she deserves.
 
Anti Matter

Anti Matter

1
Aussie_Lad said:
Has your family actually told you that they don't like you being a fireman, or is that just your assumption? If it's the later, you might find that they are actually quite proud of you. If it's the former, then what does it matter, you are living your life and they are living theirs. Nobody can force anything down your throat.
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I have inquired about it with my father. He just says "Your decisions are your own". Doesn't say he isn't proud or he is proud. My family on the other hand never say a word. I haven't really had the courage to ask my family. I'm not close enough, because they are extremely cold with me. One worded responses is usually the latter of communication I receive from other family members. Can't wait for Christmas. I know it shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks, but I want a family. Don't want to go through life without one. I just need to work on the situation a little longer and see what happens.
 
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