I don't really like to start new topics and I ain't been here for a couple of weeks but...I need help with something. I am struggling with confidence in myself. I feel worthless every time I wake up till I go to sleep. Every time I talk to someone else I always assume I am "beneath" them before even conversing with them or discovering what kind of person they are. I feel like I don't amount to anything in life. My father and his father was in the Military and I was supposed to be in the Military also, instead...I took a backseat and became a fireman.
I get a sense of my father being ashamed, he doesn't show it but I know he wanted me to be something else. He's a great guy and helps me as much as he can, but I feel like I have failed. Also my mother wanted this "hip" young son that goes out every weekend trying to "pull" chicks. Instead she got a quiet timid fireman instead of an amazing army lad as a son. It used to annoy me how she put blokes first before her son all the time because of the disappointment in me. It was like saying "Fine if you don't want to go out and enjoy yourself I will for you".
I guess this is just a rant and no one off the forums gives a crap, so I am just trying to figure out how to help myself out of this mess. Guilt, confusion and anger. I find myself slipping away from people more and more, and it's hard when you have a job like mine. Lack of communication can hinder my job, I am scared I will just end up quitting because of my anxiety of people in social situations. I think it's getting worse by the day because of all these thoughts running through my head.
My mother was also an important factor in my anxiety issues, she left me and my father at the age of 14 because she "hadn't lived life" she made me feel like I was hindering her progress to happiness. I was the bind keeping her tied down, I could see her enjoying herself with all the ****ing blokes she went out with after leaving me and my father. Wonderful women that she was, she loved to rub in her enjoyment every time I visited her.
I am scared if I don't sort out this problem of Guilt and anger It could result in major consequences in my life.
Anyway, rant over. Thanks for reading this massive rant if you did.
I get a sense of my father being ashamed, he doesn't show it but I know he wanted me to be something else. He's a great guy and helps me as much as he can, but I feel like I have failed. Also my mother wanted this "hip" young son that goes out every weekend trying to "pull" chicks. Instead she got a quiet timid fireman instead of an amazing army lad as a son. It used to annoy me how she put blokes first before her son all the time because of the disappointment in me. It was like saying "Fine if you don't want to go out and enjoy yourself I will for you".
I guess this is just a rant and no one off the forums gives a crap, so I am just trying to figure out how to help myself out of this mess. Guilt, confusion and anger. I find myself slipping away from people more and more, and it's hard when you have a job like mine. Lack of communication can hinder my job, I am scared I will just end up quitting because of my anxiety of people in social situations. I think it's getting worse by the day because of all these thoughts running through my head.
My mother was also an important factor in my anxiety issues, she left me and my father at the age of 14 because she "hadn't lived life" she made me feel like I was hindering her progress to happiness. I was the bind keeping her tied down, I could see her enjoying herself with all the ****ing blokes she went out with after leaving me and my father. Wonderful women that she was, she loved to rub in her enjoyment every time I visited her.
I am scared if I don't sort out this problem of Guilt and anger It could result in major consequences in my life.
Anyway, rant over. Thanks for reading this massive rant if you did.