Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

haha- your right.

yeah need to be in my world for a while. Just hate like now being completely spun out with this bdd- with the perception of myself in the mirror and fearing mirrors and then completely fearing cameras.

Its this horrible feeling - it runs deep into your identity. I hate it. Gives me such anxiety. I get so spun out. I think, yes my identity- living through my values- and my health is a big value- and I think how can I show that/live that out more and feel more myself - who am I? I am more than how I look you know- even if I am frustrated and get huge dips in how I look- to be the best I can be - I feel like I have to look to my identity and find myself again.

Im thinking even more now of joining a gym class and getting toned up and gaining some confidence there. Body confidence and the feeling of being strong and fit I know can do wonders.

I guess I just- I have an issue with my identity as to how I look or am perceived - by myself and by others. Its like - I know mainly who I am and what I like. I am in full swing into my vegan lifestyle- ive been this way most of my life - but im into raw vegan too and been doing that for some time now- and Im into health too- Im into aboriginal and environmental rights and animal liberation (but im not preachy) and I love Xavier Rudd blaring from my car lol..
which has lots of stickers from Sea sheppard and human rights for refugees .. etc..
But you look at me and I look like someone who spends their time in the library like a uni student lol. I always look uptight and casually kinda nerdy. Where in what ever I seem to wear - idk- it just ends up like that lol.

Yet I want to show who I am on the outside- its just kind of hard with my perception of myself. Idk.. what am I on about?? lol

I just am feeling it today. I feel embarrased that I have been with this guy and looked bad the entire time most likely. The guy that I tried to impress all the time at work lol.

Well I know that its really limiting to me to place my body image esteem on how he might see me. So I just wont do that. But, having said that - I feel like I want this Friday to be a good night that I can see him when Im actually feeling like Ive been relaxed and done my girl things you know. That Ive actually taken the time to look after myself and stuff and dress a bit better maybe- look and feel more vibrant/in control a bit/ up to date with my own stuff.. etc.. organised and dong my self love and health things.

I just hate right now feeling not my best and it gets to me. I usually dont have body problems - just face and hair with this bdd - but because Ive become a bit flabby recently - its just getting to me. Because I know I can get so much better with my health. Its not the flabby I guess - just the feeling of ignoring my goals for the past month or so and trying to balance things.

So - been messaging for a while - and idk- its just weird that im not there and yet im here. I get emotional about things I guess. I dont want to have to need him - I guess im just trying to find my own world again.

Went out to the local large shopping centre today 2 hours from my little town.
I always, always feel horrible going there and today was no exception. Completely high in body dysmorphia - all the stuff that comes with that.

I feel so horrid - just came back after a long drive from there, I took my mum. Its just, I already feel horrible and swirling around in my head is perceptions of what my bf may think of my face and then you know- going into a large mall and I always shrink and feel very ugly and country like.

But just going into shops and you avoid every reflection and then you see it and its all completely utterly horrible and your heart drops and you dont want to be seen anymore- you think about - question why you even have a life looking so deeply ashamed of yourself like that- and it hurts so bad. Its like driving home, and when I finally get home- I have to go straight to bed - every time.

Its just a horrible feeling. And to see so many girls walking around that you seem the same as only they are confident and normal in their faces.. so many people whats the point etcc..

everytime I go big malls I get like this.

I just want to feel good about myself you know. I dont want to go around anymore feeling shame- and avoiding mirrors and reflective surfaces constantly and I dont want to always be thinking about my ugly face.

There was times in my life many years ago (over 10 or more) where I was okay with mirrors and reflective surfaces and would wear makeup and want to see my reflection and liked what I saw. I remember as a teenager being like that- I remember at 13 getting excited for school and wearing some makeup and having my hair half down and wearing the cute tartan school skirt and such .. I remember walking to school with my best friend and being able to look in the windows reflection of myself and liked what I saw and it would give me a boost- asserting myself that that is who I was and I felt good.

Why cant I have that again? How can I get it? Why cant I look at my reflection and see something good anymore? Even in a blur? I mean sure Im older, but you know - I guess maybe its also that everytime in my life in my adult life I have felt good about the way I look there has always been a person to tell me that I dont or people to not say anything nice I guess.

I just need to unwind I guess. I am kinda really spun out in my mind from my bf- thinking of just negative things really. I mean I cannot help but think those things. Esp when I feel this way about myself.

And now I just feel like he is dropping away from me kinda. Not in a hurry to talk to me anymore online. Not that I dont mind- its just annoying when he goes to say I will speak to you soon- then half an hour later- Im going to play guitar - I will speak to you in an hour. You know- its just Im the type of person that gives to much of my time to other people in respects to when I have a best friend or what ever- although I am laying in bed with my macbook anyway- still- it just seems like he is happy not to talk to me really. And I look and see that instead of talking to me, he is rather taking selfies of himself and uploading them to facebook and instead of liking my stuff (of very little I put on there of my day today)- he is posting up his own youtube music he likes instead. Idk, it just makes me feel like Im dating someone who takes himself above all- although I understand that is how it should be- to put yourself first. Maybe its that I go and jump over myself and care for him instead of myself - I know women do that. And he just seems often, like - well it just seems like Im giving myself up for nothing, when I shouldnt be giving myself up- not my time - not anything. I need to be respected a bit more I guess idk- he tells me what he is doing and when - I guess I just feel like all of a sudden he has decided to get back into music again and his priorities have changed. When he asked me out he said that he was sick of music and all that - that it was a dead end and that he wanted something else as he was getting older. He wanted a girlfriend etc. I dk , last night he talked about if he was famous- he gets an inflated blinded ego. I just hate it tho how the men I have been with like to say that they take things day by day and are happy today - when you try to tell them something in depth - like its a complete negative thing.

Anyways - tomorrow afternoon I will be driving to that mall again and going to have a consultation/ or procedure with filler in my cheeks - something I am dreading and know if I have it done wil be bruising on my face and trying to hide that and raised and such.. plus the last time I went there wasa horrible feeling that I felt like I wanted to kill myself.

Its just that he seems kind of insensitive/dis-interested in my own world most of the time- like when I post my day on facebook and get likes from people I know but just not from him - you know.. I know that he has bits of slight narcassim/psychopathic bits in his personality but not directly to me- but its like all about him alot and not about me. Like last night in messages and he was talking about how he can manipulate people with his fb page and people in general whom arent nice to him .. he went on and on like he does often about this .. I couldnt get a word in much but was actively writing/listening to him. Yet when I mentioned myself he was like - I want to stop messaging now - .. (it had been an hour or more anyway) but its like it was mainly about him and I felt it was just a one sided conversation which happens every now and then when he gets into these states of ego.

I dont really feel like it anyway. Im all in deep tiredness and spun out. At least I am having brewers yeast on my tea tonight (which helps with stress) - that is what it is - I am over emotionally stressed. I just dont want to have to give a damn right now you know. I am hoping that I am at the cusp of letting go again because that is how I feel and its good to let go, just need to have everything explode first in order to get there I guess.

You know I just feel like opening up that I am hiding my true self - like its at the verge of coming out but it isnt. Im happy im having time to reflect a bit anyway. I think its time to try and find things for my dream board.

**************************************************************************

I dont why- but I feel like today I just want to dis-associate myself with anything that has been going on with my life lately.

Im treding on myself. For someone - and he doesnt see it because he is so into himself. Or because he is a man, or because he just doesnt think deeply or see.

For what ever reason- I am in control - he is not making me do a thing. Its just that I feel like I am giving too much of myself, way, way too much - when I dont need to - when I like to do it in the moment and then loose myself.

Its all about boundaries really. Im allowing him to step all over me in many ways. Its like I just keep giving and giving and he just keeps taking and taking and being himself. I know as women we like to care for people and cannot help it. I do that.

I need to set my own ground rules- ones that will make me on track with my values and everything whilst being in this relationship. And if it conflicts - anything - that may - those things are important to me - my values and I need to support them above anyone or anything else.

My sense of self has gone- as an independent person.

So many insecurities in this relationship from my end thinking about what is in it for him. Alot is in it for him - because I keep giving. In so many ways. Its like - I need to strip all that- somehow- I jsut want to concentrate on myself and let him come to me and give to me instead of me give to him. I want him to show me wholeheartedly even more so -

I want him to show me that he is not with me just because he is sexually attracted to my body or just because he knows that I am very kind hearted and will give things to him and listen to him and all that, and not just because he thinks I am smart and can offer him things because of that, ...

I want him to show me that he is with me because he whole heartedly loves me and is attracted to me for my soul and who I am. I want a guy to be inlove with me - for how I look- like my face - I want him to love my eyes - to notice me and love my imperfections and character - and not be into some kind of look or what ever you know. Not be some woman perfectionist or want to change me.

( Im not saying that is happening - but in my head I feel like that. It really absolutely hurts to know that

A really good article for refence;

This Is How You Give Too Much In Your Relationship, And This is How You Can Change It | Thought Catalog

and
http://blog.havetherelationshipyouw...recking-your-relationship-by-giving-too-much/

How Overfunctioning Wrecks Your Love Life
Like Carol, most of us women feel bad receiving.

And so we turn it inside-out and upside-down, complicate it, get all weird about it, try to think around it…and end up creating only TENSION.

We then push men away with our tension around the whole issue of giving and receiving.

We instinctively keep a “balance sheet” in our heads…and why?

Because we are most comfortable “giving.” We feel in control when we do things for a man.

We feel bad – automatically – for wanting good stuff, and especially for wanting a LOT of good stuff.

And so we create this complicated dance around it.

We test the waters by “giving” – and we see what we get back.

If we like what we get back, we up the ante and give more.

At some point – we’re going to be disappointed.

We’re going to give more than we get.

And then it all breaks down.

We feel betrayed, we feel that things are “uneven,” we doubt him and his feelings…we freeze ourselves up.

This is the pattern we’ve ALL been taught about nearly everything involving friendships and human interaction. And romance and romantic love and sex just heighten all that and make it unbearably intense sometimes.

So – stop the marry-go-round before it starts moving.

Stop giving just because it feels good to you.

Stop giving and overfunctioning because you feel more “settled” and “comfortable” that way.

Start giving back when it feels appropriate and easy, and you don’t feel any expectations ATTACHED to it.

Because – whether you’re aware or not – every time you do ANYTHING – there’s an expectation attached. The expectation is there as a result of your pst experience, the way you think, what you believe, yor subconscious that you can’t get to, and your conscious opinions about things, too.

So – while you work on unearthing your subconscious “stuff” – rattle your own cage by just stopping doing what’s triggering the pattern of doing->expectation->disappointment->resentment->shut down.

See if you can find where this is happening to you in your own life.

Instead of expecting that a certain amount of “work” is going to result in you “getting” something (personally or professionally) – find a new reason to put work in professionally, and a new way to put work in personally – on YOURSELF!

And let the results just happen.

Let me know what surprises you find showing up!

“Give and you will receive” has always been a constant in my life. It has been something that was ingrained in my spirit since I was a small child. It’s basic, it’s transactional, it’s human. It is simply in our nature to want to give to those who we care about. It is common to want to give more and more to the people we find the most worthy. It is also true that we give too much to those who do not deserve it. And while you should not always expect something in return when you give out of the goodness of your heart, you need to be wary of how much you give when you enter into a relationship with someone. Relationships can be a tricky game of give and take. It can be hard to decipher who is worth what parts of you and in what capacity.
The worst part about dating is having the mental expectation on yourself and others to give and give back, but with no true responsibility to each other. You could give someone the world, and they could take it without so much as a “thank you.”

When you give too much, you give away your time, your energy, your body, your heart. You give and give and give. And in the end of it, you don’t quite get what you were hoping for in return. You get gypped. You brought your walls down, and in came the army. You are just kind of stuck there with nothing left to you but the rubble of your broken heart.
When you give too much, you get taken advantage of. People take advantage of your niceness. They find that this is a great deal for them – you will continue to give and give and give with little effort in return. And when you finally address it, you receive a big, fat “How dare you?” How dare you question the fact that they have put in little effort into the relationship that you are working to foster with them? How dare you recognize that you are being taken advantage of by someone who you deemed as worthy of your time and effort? How dare you ask for more when you have given so much? How dare you be kind enough to give, but smart enough to recognize when it has not been reciprocated?

When you give too much, you learn the hard way that standing up for yourself after the fact that you had given too much already is harder than it initially seems. When you’re new to the fact that not everyone is going to be willing to give back to you what you have given, you learn so much more about yourself than you wish you had. You are caught in a one-sided relationship. You are caught in the loop of single-sided effort being dragged on for far too long because we are all too polite.
When you give too much, you learn that sometimes life and love just don’t always work out in the way that you expect it to be. Why on earth would you expect someone to give as much effort into something as you when your relationship with someone seems to be blossoming? Why on earth would you try to make someone happy who makes you happy? Because sometimes that other person does not look at you the way that you wish they did, so you give to prove yourself. You try to prove yourself to them without having any real evidence that this person is worth your heart in the first place.
The best piece of relationship advice I had recently received was to view the other person as someone who needs to prove that they are good enough to gain your trust. View them as someone not worth your time, your money, or even your phone number if they haven’t proven to be someone who is worth the while to be in your life. As weird as it seems, view them as the enemy. View them as a bad person who wants nothing but your but your time, your energy, and your heart. View them as someone who only wants to possess you. That they are only someone who wants to take you for all that you are without giving anything back in return. Allow yourself time to assess whether this person is just looking to consume or is hoping to give you what you ask for in return for the love that you give to them.

This can be harsh, but it is a reality for some of us that tend to give too much. It is a learning process, and this has been the best way to stand up for yourself before you fall into a pattern of giving too much to someone that is not worth the time or the effort. This can even sound like common sense, but when you have been raised to give and to nurture those who you feel make your life feel full, it can be difficult to hold back from putting forth far too much effort than what is expected out of you for the happiness of other people. Because sometimes, the hardest part is realizing that you can’t always expect others to be looking out for your happiness.

I am sorry to hear you're going through all of this, people have been screwing me over for a long time too. Only speaking with me in their own interest and whenever they would need something. Thankfully I got over it, and so should you.

You can either come up with small excuses each time he solicits you, to imply that enough is enough, hopefully he'd understand that you can't take it anymore. Or be honest with him about it by telling him that you want to spend more time with him, and without anyone else around.

Inviting his cronies over just when you wanted him to accompany you to your hometown was utterly disgusting...

I've re-read what I wrote last and can see the amount of anxiety in me. I write through emotion and when feeling anxiety it comes out sounding quite dreadful when really it's not that bad. I mean I should mention how much gravity I place in these feelings in my mind and that it's really one sided. I'm not mentioning many of the normality and good things in that.

We live in the same hometown within 20/15 minutes appart . I just wanted him to come with me to Se the anti whaling ship this morning. - but his best friend he hardly ever gets to see came down from the city and so he had had a boys weekend jamming in his 3 person metal band drinking some beer and taking some drugs (which I tell him off). Then he will sleep it out after.

It's fine because I'm having my time out.
He is actually very supportive like thee is nothing that I can seem to do that will make him not like me. It's just that he can get carried away with his glory of himself (which is part of his illness) and want to dominate people on fb by taking loads of selfies of himself. For which he has over 3000 literally.

It's funny because he is about wanting to play people on fb thinking that what he does on his page can affect others that aren't his friends. He thinks he has a monster I of a page and that he is better than others. He even recently made a new fb page with him as a guitarist ( which he is) but stitched up loads of selfies old and new with his guitar in the banner - see there is an element to him that he doesn't see - is blind to how odd it seems to be so glorified in yourself like that and to have with no hesitation loads of selfies all the time - in the same mirror usually taking about 7-8 at a time. Also to even write off things for the hell of it about how awesome he is and how little people are that he thinks stalk him- for which he goes into another of his accounts to check on these certain people every day to see what he affect he may of had on them. Even tho he has blocked them from his main page. And I hate it how I will come over and have a film I bought and in messages he is come over we will watch it- when in reality I will be over watching it whilst he usually is on Facebook doing those things or his page or doing his music band stuff.
See that is what makes me a bit insecure with him - he can be so into himself that o can feel so put off and questioning his sanity more - there are so many things he doesn't seem to know you know. But yet then at the same time when you think he isn't even aware of you and your passive aggressive tally , he is severely kind and very caring and aware once he comes to a realisation - like he has to un-glue himself kinda.
So I get mixed emotions with on top knowing that I like him genuinely - if only he could just realise his symptoms you know.

So okay the thing that is always bringing me down is my face and this bdd. And I need to realise how much of this turns those close to me into my enemies really.

Not only that but memories that are great - but yet ruined by my bdd effects. I simply want to rid of it. Like this morning. The Sea Shepard boat was docked at my hometown and wow, it was so cool- I had a blast being around people that were like me- and there was Xavier Rudd music blaring and people with Vegan tshirts lol.. and people actually caring about the whales and marine life from corporate end of town things.

I was enjoying it alot - but at the same time my face was on my mind- and my hair. Those 2 things - as much superficial as it sounds - was an enormous insecurity that weighed deeply on my perception myself and around others. To see just a reflection of myself usually means that I feel like giving up and just not doing what ever I was doing and wanting to go home and go to bed and re-instate my fickle confidence and security of myself regardng my body image- its crippling.

Last night, as my bf was waiting for his mates to arrive for his boys night in kinda thing. We were messaging each other. I told him how I just wasnt feeling right last night. I was mentally and physically exahausted and in anxiety. That it was taking quite a while to actually wind down from being over his place most of the time. Then I mentioned how I felt a bit funny when he is into taking so many selfies of himself and yet I dont even have one on my fb page. I just let him know that I can be extremely sensitive to what people say about image as my self perception is skewed. And he responded with telling me that I had a great figure, that he really likes my body ( tells me this often), and then tells me that I can look very pretty when I smile and when Im happy. ( and that triggered me of course- but I didnt say that it did).
He then told me that there are alot of things that he likes about me. But at the same time I know that he hates these convos on messages where I dip low in my insecurity and project it. But I told him I have a mental illness. He is supportive to me, which I am not used to lol.
But I dont think he really even knows about BDD tho despite the effort I have given him easy things to read/watch or even just a picture. He just can be insensitive through ignorance. For example, the other day he said that when he will work out in spring and loose his weight that girls and guys will be fighting over him ( and im sure 80+% of that was not joking in his mind, and then he mentioned something about my bdd going up or something (which that part was all in good fun to him as a joke in ignorance- ) but that just spurred me out you know because its me once again trying to analyse where I am at in terms of how I look to others and to myself really.. that maybe he is saying that he is way better in looks to me and when he looses weight he will be better..

Its just my bdd.

It gets to me - because the main issue that I have is with my face. I see it sagging. Since I lost weight, it sags to me- and I am in a fornight going to go to get filler in my cheeks- I seem to think that is the one thing that I can do that may make a huge difference in my self confidence - that it might just mean that I may feel and look better. That my face I wont feel like hiding in shame all the time.

I look at Rugs sister who is 3 years younger than me and see she has plump cheeks in her face you know- I have a sort of oval shape and I used to be quite overweight and loosing so much weight (Im stable in a size 8-10 au now) bit its like noticable in the lines near your mouth and the shape and heaviness of your face.

So I just really am counting on that. Filler.

And Im considering doing a gym class for some confidence too.

I just hate waking up in the morning too- which is when my face is worst from drag from pillows. I want my plump back in my face - its on my mind all the time.
And then I think that if Im to Rugs apparrently really pretty when I smile ( what ever..) - that its to do with my cheeks really. But I wont point that out.

Anyway, Im just sick of that and my hair I get a bit anxiety ocd about too.

I jsut want to get my cheeks filled a bit naturally and go from there. For myself.

Well I just had a bit of a big cry driving home from Rugs. We went out today with his sister, drove to this small town that has good thrift shops and antique type shops- only 45 mins away. It was a nice spring day and his sister was with us.

I got a bit kinda I dont know, jealous in a way- it was just that they both are very close and talk alot and I was a bit left out. My values, my interests are so different and my knowledge too.

And I had bdd again on my face. Even more so because I was feeling a bit intimidated and frustrated with my bdd comparison to her and how she looks. Because my issue is with my cheeks with volume loss and she has big fat cheeks. And then there are some things I have heard from my mum and from her about her being pretty and being hit in and stuff like that.
And that Rugs cares for her alot. And he sometimes accidently calls me her every now and then.

I will write a bit later. : )

So - Ive been in insecurity - and Im recognising that this is normal. I mean, Im in a relationship now and its all about learning boundaries and balance and trying to find myself within this. Plus trying to manage my own mental health.

I guess there is alot of stress that can arise - for me in particular. BDD can be so draining and like the balck dog but more the green cat of insecurity.

So last night as rugs was asleep, I couldnt sleep and decided to write in my computer about my insecurities with him. About things that - I seem to not help think about all the time regarding his intentions with me. I will go into more detail later.

But as I was writing all this stuff- and I was writing in letter form too. To him. I was even going to send it to him lol.

But something stopped me from writing any further. I decided to go online instead, and I actually looked up on google 'how to tell if my bf loves me'.. and so there I was in bed reading each numbered paragraph of main signs that tell if a guy actually loves you..
and I got overwhelmed because every single one I could say yes to.

And then I was reading within the same site that even though its natural to have such insecurities within a relationship- and to wonder the intentions- that that can actually ruin things too. So it just made me think that there is alot of BDD within carrying of this relationship. and that I just would be better to journal it out and be mindful- practice mindfulness on it. I think that when I am feeling so insecure that I perhaps need to work on myself instead and be on my own for a bit maybe idk.

I have been starting to get a bit paranoid though because I feel like that this journal may of been saw perhaps idk. you know by maybe rugs family idk- and to read it back probably sounds quite gossipy and unflattering and insensitive on levels.

So, Ive got so many things I feel like writing - yet the energy to do so is hard. lol

So many things on my mind that i want to auto write about- to get out.

Okay - so I am feeling so much better tonight than I was today. I just have to realise that my mental illness if not in check can really fall straight into so many areas of my life - it can just really take over. And I am talking about managing stress and anxiety and also finding those ways to manage my BDD.

It completely sux to have BDD. Its like one of the worst mental illnesses to me that you can get because it can completely paralyse your entire days and nights.

So today, a really nice day. And despite the fact that Rugs can completely make my heart sing and actually make me feel very secure with myself with him- he told me that in his early 20s he had everything he could have wanted yet he would trade that all in for what he has now.

He bought me flowers today. Last night he was so kind and loyal. You know for as much as I get frustrated with things and trying to find my boundaries and my sense of self again- and low self esteem and cope with my illnesses- I get completely giddy lately with him and its an awesome feeling but also its scary. Because I know Im in love and Im pretty sure he is too- yet at the same time he has his mental illnesses that can clash his beliefs with mine sometimes - its like I completely trust him - yet I have to also at the same time reflect back and as to not take on some of his beliefs and stuff. For one of them is he love of taking loads of selfies and looking in the mirror - that part of his self esteem comes from how he looks and for me - that is something that I try to avoid because of my BDD.

Tonight I had a little glance of my reflection whilst he is out and actually liked how I looked for once and so feel kind of happy. Like I can accept his love towards me as a female more.
If that makes sense?

But today because yesterday I found some random recent photos that was taken of me without me knowing and I see them- my whole world can come crashing down. ITs so silly though- but what I see is something that defines me and I see something so horrible that all I want to do is just hide away in a deep heavy depression and never been seen because I am so ashamed of myself, how I look. So I see my profile - side view - in most of my photos and hate my nose and my face and it just shocks me - because I never take photos and to see that - see that is how I look to people - when you think you look okay in the mirror most days - but holding onto a string and then up pops some random photo and you look completely different to how you saw your reflection in the mirror. And what you see is just something you feel so sensitive too- that image gets stuck into your mind all day- all week even if you let it- you see this horrible horrible image of yourself - like everything that you dont like about your face and body - how you look is completely highlighted in your mind and that everyone can see that - and you think especially with me with Rugs - I think you kow - he loves the way he looks and loves looking in the mirror and taking photos - and even a few people have told me he is a good looking man - and all that just reflects back to me how I feel about my appearance and the importance of it. I see myself so horridly. That it completely makes going out - like today on a nice weekend day - going out to markets and enjoying ourselves - yet everything is dampened because my identity in my mind is of this very ugly woman and Im attatching things that people may of in some twisted way said to me that confirm that I am so horrid. I go around on such tension and shame and feeling so damn insecure that its so obvious.
It can be very hard.

I just remember though, when I was a teenager I did what Rugs does now- I was into the mirrors and selfies and stuff- into grooming and all of that. I just wish I was like him somewhat - like Rugs. I wish I had a solid self esteem with my image of myself and also my identity. Regardless of him being a glorifying often.

When you feel so bad about yourself and then you feel so attracted - like for some reason at the moment Ive started to get more attracted to him - he has lost a bit of weight and visually Ive just started to really fall for him and also its the charm that he can pull to people that gets me too- that makes me feel like I want that too- I want to be like that. It makes me feel even less than in my mind because Im walking around thinking Im hideous and horrible and there he is charming people with his charisma and stuff.

Its funny with me tho. When ever someone says that so and so is good looking - all of a sudden I start to see it. And I see that person as very good looking. So my mind , its as if I need outside opinions to determine what is attractive because I have learnt not to trust my own.

Thats BDD.

But tonight I actually for once feel attractive. And I like to remember that Rugs - my bf- who likes to take selfies and look in the mirror and love how he looks did say once that he thought we were equal in looks - so what ever that means _ perhaps that is a positive. I know this is superficial but its BDD.

I just signed up for a 6 months online self esteem course that sends me stuff every week - and this is from a guy that I already bought ebooks from and applied them and they actually worked that I just couldnt beleive. Very insightful - the things I have already read about just tonight from him. Different to most advice out there.

But I like feeling okay about myself like tonight - about my appearance. Just I hate that its just not something solid for me like it is for Rugs. That for me, I see myself in a reflection like tonight and like the way I look and then I see myself in a photo and look completely opposite - and then there is the ocd bit to it that when Im in my bedroom mirror at home that I can think I look different just from brushing my hair a bit and then a bit more etc..

I get quite spun out. I want to be like him and have that solid fun with how I look- I want to have a selfie of myself in my profile on fb- I want to have photos with him- I want to be myself more and be much more confident and get more into slef love and slef care again and also dress up more - have that confidence and be able to show who I am you know.

I also want to be able to be like him with my own confidence socially- that was one of the first things that attracted me to him - his ability to charm people - and be kind hearted - for some reason with me that just reeled me straight in. It had nothing to do with looks as I actually didnt like him for that at all lol.

It just feels so confusing and scarey. When you fall in love and trying to balance your own life and independence. It feels sometimes like a pulling back and forth- like you just want to give your all and squeeze that person and completely let go of your insecurity with them and then the next your retreating back because their closed off for a bit - because with men - when their mind is on a project - its completely on it you know.
But he is good. Im learning now not to run away and stay silent when Im upset about things - but to rather let him know - that is after Ive had a little cry or what ever.

But if I am really upset with something I might do a runner but at the same time let him know and why. lol.

I just really want to rid myself of feeling completely falling to pieces with my self esteem from comments and from peoples perceptions of me or others and from comparing and from seeing myself so badly in images and also not even knowing how I look.

I just need to work it out somehow. This BDD. ITs just very tearing down of your whole self esteem - its horrible.

Well for the first time in my life I got a speeding fine. $400 + for a little over. It sux more because I haven't been managing things financially very well at all - to the point where at the moment I'm quite struggling yet secretly. I'm in a relationship with a guy that literally has no money ever - so it's not something that I am going to really express myself about to. But I'm dealing with it by making a budget now and other things that will help me gain my financial safety net for the time being. I guess, I know I have splurged on him when I shouldn't of. Anxiety acts in many ways and stress and it includes loosening your boundaries when you should really be tightening them.
I'm just wanting to destress and unwind but I never really get the chance yet. And it adds. But today I overworked and didn't have lunch really - I just really pulled my wait like I used to and in many ways it helped being very on task and physically active that this afternoon tonight - I feel worn out and exhausted but with much of the anxiety but I still have the stress.
I'm in between homes - I don't know when in my relationship with rugs - but I just started living there - and it can be really stress full esp when he wants you at his place all the time - which I like but I feel I just want to be in my own place a few nights per week - it's like I just am not allowed independence. I am - I just feel guilty to ask. I don't get that he wants me over and he puts on adult but yet he isn't watching it and even puts his music on from YouTube whilst the film is on . It's frustrating for me because even tho he had done so much lovingly to make me feel at home - I am still in his world without my independence and my own home things - the main thing is that my goals - and how I am going to balance them whilst being in a demanding yet inlove relationship . I just feel like sometimes that I am passing by and not being authentic to myself in my needs my goals of what I enjoy doing and knowing where I am up to in my own life - I literally haven't slept in my own bed for more than 2 or more times in 2-3 months or more.

I am going to write in here my long over due- heartfelt and authentic feelings and thoughts the way I have automatically.

I am finding things really quite hard lately and Im hurting inside and need to release it all. Much to my fear of no privacy from maybe the people I may write about seeing.

This is a diary. My space to write what I am feeling at this time- automatically and I feel so much better afterwards like I always have. I havent been indulging in this journal for some time lately and Im backed up with so much *stuff*..

The things that have been going on in my world - I need to clarify and emo out and really see where I am. It will sound bad and you know- those mental pathways that dont turn around - but at the same time Im letting it all out and being mindful whilst doing it.
Like most times. Have a big cry and emo time and then feel refreshed.

Its so hard to leave this on here now- my last few posts- Im thinking about removing them.

Hate that. I go onto FB and there is a photo he took of me on his page. Even tho he knows my phobia, my bdd.

So now I am dealing with the affects of this and I hate it. I sound negative. I feel warped in my mind from it. I just hate photos. I have an extreme phobia of them. Just one glimpse of a photo of me taken from someone completely changes my identity on the outside of how I think I am and how I think others see me and I just cannot handle it.

It just makes me flip into complete depression and lameness and just wanting to hide in bed forever.

Why cant he get that?

After a few days at home in my own world but with rugs. I feel like I will finally for some reason just feel comfortable again to write in here often again. It was magical when I did as it really helps me. Im feeling much less fearful and paranoid that it will be read and also that I dont really care anymore too. Other than that it will help me.

God I just really in need of writing on here right now. I will. I will. I just need to settle down and be in the energy/relaxed zone to do so. Yet Im still paranoid. I mean if I am using my bf's familie's wifi and writing on here from my own macbook, are they able to see where Ive been online and what ive written?

grapevine said:

God I just really in need of writing on here right now. I will. I will. I just need to settle down and be in the energy/relaxed zone to do so. Yet Im still paranoid. I mean if I am using my bf's familie's wifi and writing on here from my own macbook, are they able to see where Ive been online and what ive written?

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Unless they are IT geniuses, I don't think so, rest assured.

Thanks Jungle. I know I shouldnt really worry- but I have the potential to hurt feelings if this is read and who knows what the reaction could be. The abusive guy from my past 10 years ago almost now, well he saw and read all my journal stuff back in the day and although I wasnt really being awful at all- he interpreted everything I wrote in it as offensive to him. So I just get a bit paranoid.

grapevine said:

Thanks Jungle. I know I shouldnt really worry- but I have the potential to hurt feelings if this is read and who knows what the reaction could be. The abusive guy from my past 10 years ago almost now, well he saw and read all my journal stuff back in the day and although I wasnt really being awful at all- he interpreted everything I wrote in it as offensive to him. So I just get a bit paranoid.

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That would take a lot work in my opinion. They'd have to figure out which one of us is you and the only way that'd happen is by reading through our posts. Youve been pretty good about not using real names and only other members can see photos.