Och aye the noo

Awww, man... See if ah compiled aw the mad, mental, dysfunctional and weird going on within ma family. And ah wus actually confident enough in myself n' as a speaker to get up on stage. Ah could probably get a decent Edinburgh Fringe show outta them. :bigsmile:

Cause it's great when yer a shy, more introverted type, and ya just stand back n' quietly observe how yer uptight, tense, volatile family. And laugh to yersel' that you are in fact, relate. mg:

More Fringe show this weekend, quite lookin' forward to them. Since they're all comedians ah huv'nae seen in a months or years even.

Though, strangely enough, ah woke up thinkin' o' my day this morning. Which wus weird, because ah huv'nae thought o' him much since he died... Oh, it'll be going on 4 years now. :idontknow: So, ah don't know if that significant in a way, in terms o' what has happened to me in the years since he passed away?

Or, mibbe, part o' me actually missing him? What with me not huvin as strong a bond with ma mum as she does with ma sisters. Plus, I'm startin' to act just like ma dad, which is pretty scary, given how much of a c*nt he wus towards me when he wus alive.

Not that I'm dwellin' on this, just seems odd that my mind would be thinkin' of ma dad while being away in Edinburgh. :question:

Why is it everyone seems to be afforded the luxury and freedom to cut the people outta their lives who huv been a bad influence; or they're feckin' useless or huv wronged you to the point where forgiveness doesnae really seem fair, right? Yet, ah huv little to no choice, but to "keep the peace". Because family. h:

Is that a disability thing or summit? Like, I'm no allow the same freedom as everybuddy, and just huv to accept that, most o' the time, people will either take advantage of ye, or f**k with you on an emotional because they can. And because I'm disabled, ah don't know what good fur me, or wouldnae cope on ma own. Despite proving otherwise.

Not to be a c*nt here, but is wrong of me to outright refuse to help my own mother, since she won't help hersel' or admit she has a problem? Just askin', generally, like. This isnae me gettin' back at her for treating me like shit.

Also, am I likeable? :idontknow: Sorry, I'm just venting and tryin' to figure out why my life is the way it is. And why I put with a lotta stuff. Though, ah think ma fear o' startin' an argument answers the latter statement.

"Bulgarian bands use instruments that commonly include: The gaida, a traditional goat-skin bagpipe. There are two common types of gaida. The Thracian gaida is tuned either in D or in A. The Rhodopi gaida, called the kaba gaida, is larger, has a much deeper sound and is tuned in F"
Sounds pretty cool .. a persian feel to th bagpipes. Also sounds bit like a flute, but lower pitch. I always wondered what that instrment were.

theslowesthand said:

"Bulgarian bands use instruments that commonly include: The gaida, a traditional goat-skin bagpipe. There are two common types of gaida. The Thracian gaida is tuned either in D or in A. The Rhodopi gaida, called the kaba gaida, is larger, has a much deeper sound and is tuned in F"
Sounds pretty cool .. a persian feel to th bagpipes. Also sounds bit like a flute, but lower pitch. I always wondered what that instrment were.

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Aye, it's pretty cool learning about how bagpipes are used in different culture.
I actually watched a documentary about the bagpipes 2 years ago, which was pretty fascinating. Mind you, never thought I'd actually be contemplating learning how to play just under 2 years later. :bigsmile:

Feckin' useless tossers! Ye just cannae get reliable staff nowadays, can ye?
And there wus me, just other day lookin' to apply for a job helpin' out the Edinburgh Festival next year - Ha! Ah think ah'll be givin' that some seriously reflection in the comin' months.

Mind you, only 2 setbacks, in an otherwise grand month.

Well, that wus f**kin' waste of a weekend. Showing up at a venue ah will'nae name, cuz the lyin' c*nts don't deserve to be named. And the f**ker didnae huv any disabled access, contray to their own website.

Just to say if yer every in Edinburgh anytime soon, and yer on Rose Street. Just go to the corner of that street if yer approaching from a downhill direction, turn left and keep walking for a few yards and you'll come upon The Stand Comedy Club.

But the weekend wus'nae a complete waste. Got a few more shows booked for the last weekend o' the Fringe. And some young, studenty lookin' lad laughed at the funny t-shirt ah wus wearing. Oh, and rather than get annoyed at missing 2 more shows we'd booked for, my sister and I went for meal instead, since we had nowt else to do.

Great, some c*nt just asked me replied to my response to question as to why ah wus typin' in my accent. mg: That's seem weird, right? Like the video in question did a feature a Scottish rock band, ah don't know... :idontknow:

Nothin' much else happenin' for me the day. Just usual feelin' o' not being good enough, feelin' like ah don't belong, nor connect with people on a deeper level. Cannae help feelin' some take an instant dislike to me when ah've no shaved in a while, 'cause ma beard is quite... intimidatin'.

Ah also don't feel much connect, support or trust for ma family. Though, there's good reason for that - they never keep their word when they say they'll do summit for me. And they treat me like the mistake ah've always felt ah wus. Sorry, it hard no tae perceive it as that, when yer ain mum doesnae even like talkin' to ye much.

Oh, and ma mum thinks she's psychic. Keeps tryin' to interrupt me when I'm talkin' and finishin' my sentences for me. So, yet another reason to just retreat intae myself and ma own thoughts.

What else, oh aye... My mum made a point of tellin' how ah rarely go out for a meal these days. And how ma time here in Edinburgh is the first time I've been for a meal in years. Well, naebuddy ever invites me, d'they? And with good reason, who want to be around some hefty lookin' lad who doesnae chat much. Amd has a look o' sadness in his eyes aw the time? Plus, why break the perception of me as anti-social, eh?

And my eldest sister complimented me yesterday, askin' me if ah lost some weight, lately. Since ah don't look as fat in the stomach area, compared to last year. Ah know ah've probably phrased that aw wrang like, but ah just gave a wee surprised: "Really? Ah cannae say ah've noticed, maself". And attributed any possible weight loss to that hellish few days in hospital back in January. :idontknow:

That, and ah kinda made up ma mind that ah wouldnae let this surgery go to waste, by being lazy or over-eating as ah used to be. Tey n' get in shape anaw. Cause, ah really need to improve ma upper body physique in terms o' strength. Ah've been yin to obsess over gettin' a six pack.

Still don't know how to take that sorta praise, not that ah don't like hearin' it. It's just rare for any o' ma family to say anythin' good whenever it's directed at or involves me. Ah know, self-esteem issues, need some work. All in all, though, ma summer and beginning o' 2016 huv definitely been the most memorable times in ma life. Some things huv changed for the better, others huv just stay as they've always been. But ye cannae change everybudy's perception and attitude toward ya...

You seem to progressing alright overall, by my reckoning. Just keep ye chippin' away. Sure, there maybe the odd thing that could be better, but we've all got things like that! :thumbup:

theslowesthand said:

You seem to progressing alright overall, by my reckoning. Just keep ye chippin' away. Sure, there maybe the odd thing that could be better, but we've all got things like that! :thumbup:

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Cheers! :brindis: Though, ah huv tae admit, ah think I'm thinkin' too far ahead o' masel' to even reflect upon my progress. Still cannae quite believe it myself, that within 2 long, stress-filled, argumentative months, I was up and gettin' about.

Naebuddy in ma family seems to want acknowledge this, for whatever reason. Though, ma relationship with them overall ain't great, generally.

I mean ah feel slightly more confident, but still deeply insecure aboot masel'. :idontknow:

Recently ah've been questioning if there's summit off-puttin' about me, aside from ma physical appearance, y'know? Ah mean in treats o' being quite big lad. Ah dinnae mean ma face anyway... Ma mum's been incredibly distance and cold towards me, more so than usual. Ah know this, because even ma oldest sister noticed she's been pretty closed-off, lately. And she didnae even ask me if there wus owt wrong, as is the usual line o' enquiry.

Ugh! See people... Ah effin' hate them at times. More so, the yins I'm related to. :kickingmyself:

They dinnae listen to me, ataw. Only hear whit they want, and twist ma words... Every-feckin'-time .

I imagine it must be f**kin' great huvin parent who doesnae constantly ignore ye aw the time. Oh, and they dinnae constantly remind ya o' how much of a disappointment you've turned oot tae be, compared to yer older siblings. :sad:

Or look it you with utter, narrow-eyed contempt, cause you're the only sensible f**ker in the room! Aye, must really grand, eh? Nae wonder I've got issues. I'm practically a f**kin' deeply introverted mute 98% of the time. ::

Aye, ah might no talk much, but ah will'nae tolerate being insulted for being the way I am. Just cause ah don't live up tae some other person's expectations - away n' shag yersel'. Ah'll no apologise fur being somewhat intelligent n' huvin standards, either. Sorry, but there's just somethings ah won't compromise on.

At the end o' the day, I'm no yin who wants or cares if I'm well liked or highly thought of. Or if I'm perceived in a negative ways. Basically, ah don't go in for, this whole "Everyone must like and agree with me" narcisisstic mentality that seems to be previlant with young people these days. Again, ah might be wrong, there.

Sorry, just ranting away. Probably should've keep that tae masel'. :bigsmile:

I clinge to my sanity by a thread. Knowing that one day it'll all end, for good.

Then, there will be no more pain, stress and struggle. Only peace...

Though, I'm probably going to look back with more regrets than treasure memories. Since I never got to live my life, not on my terms. But there will be some, just a somewhat sad that most of them will be moments where for a brief time, everything went away. The physical pain, the insecurity, the depression, the emotional, physical and verbal abuse. Too bad, the same cannae be said o' the scars.

Y'know the biggest mistake ya can make in life - living for someone else. Appease them, makin' them happy. At the expense of myself. Just gotta grin n' bare it, always. Never complain, never protest, never cause a fuss.

Sure ye might think they're happy, you're happy. But are ye, really, when ye get right doon tae it aw?

Why d'they always huv to pressure me intae daein stuff, just cause ah agree doesnae mean ah'd like to do what they've suggested there n' then. Are all older siblings like that, or is it just wummin thing? This constantly huvin to get everythin' their way. :idontknow: Just summit ah've noticed, more so cause ah grow-up aroon the opposite sex. Still dinnae understand them any better than ah do masel', like.

It's really annoying, nonetheless. :kickingmyself:

Yep... There's definitely summit no right with me. :sad: But there's also summit no right with ma family, generally speaking.

Which makes me kinda glad that ah'll no be caring on ma family name once I'm deid. Nae kids, nae relationship... Absolutely f**k all! Cuz it's no like ah hud the greatest example o' how to be parent or form a lastin' relationship.

Ah know, such feckin' waste, eh? A good lookin' lad like me remaining single. But there's nae real reason for me to settle down, other than possibility of a good shag now n' again. Plus, the best example to follow is what not to do, innit? :question: That way ye avoid mistakes... Like becomin' just like yer dad.

And I'd imagine being a relationship become just like the violatile relationship ye huv with yer parents as a teenager, after a while? Ye end up disagreeing, arguing all the time. To the point where ye hate each other, and wish the other would just... f**kin' die already. Though, that depends upon yer parental relationship, mine wus'nae that great through the years. Got the literal scars tae prove, tae.

Why am I even bothering to make the effort anymore? Family is complete f**kin' shambles. Fights, arguments - the lot. Yet I've got nae choice but to play along. Since ah cannae leave. Oh-no! Because who else could they get to fix things for them. Or do things they're too lazy to do themselves.

Tired o' feelin' obligated to being around them. Though, they've since got the hint that "F**k off" means exactly that when it comes to me wantin' to be left alone. Because, y'know whit, I am just fed-up with the lotta them.

Acting aw concerned for me yin minute, then thinkin' they can f**k me about the next. Pressuring me tae being how they want me, lying to me. Y'know the usual shite that yer below-average mentally unbalanced wummin does on a daily basis.

It's horrible huvin to constantly ignore yer feelings in favour o' keepin' everyone else content n' happy. And I'm no kiddin' when ah say this, ah feel like I'm constantly walkin' about with this weight pushin' down upon ma shoulders most days. Whether that a representation o' depression or stress - or both. Ah honestly couldnae tell ye - I'm no intellectual enough to go deep on that...

Dammit! :kickingmyself:

I got asked if I would get up on stage with a comedian I've liked for a few year now, by the comic himself.
And, like a right c*nt, my anxiety makes me hesistate and back-out of doing it at the last minute. Ya lyin', deceitful B@$%@#! h:

Makes me wonder if ah'll ever be rid of this constantlly feelin' of misery, self-doubt and debilitating lack of confidence. :idontknow: :sad:
Or is it so ingrained due to my sheltered and strict upbringing that this how ah'll be for the rest o' ma days?

Oh, by the way, ah hate to bring this up yet again, but...

Yesterday, while me and ma sister were gettin' our dinner at one of the Pleasance Dome venue, this young lad - clearly a student - comes up to us, and hands us another flyer for yet another show.

And while ah should've felt bad for 'em, since he wus clearly nervous. But we couldnae help but laugh. Because this poor lad just stutter through his wee pitch he wus tryin' to remember.

Obviously, he saw me, shaved heid, vest, big arms, beard thought: "Whoa! Better tread carefully here", then he heards ma Scottish accent and probably thinks: F**k! Ah hope this big f**ker doesn't stab me"

Anyway, just another wee story there from ma time in Edinburgh. Ah probably tell ye more after next weekend. Though, ah'll be back hame on Thursday, due to me n' ma sister booking tickets for a show in Carlisle. But we're gan back up to Edinburgh for a couple o' Fringe shows at this coming weekend, so ah'll probably get blootered.

Ah, how ah wish ma life wus a wee bit mair interesting and less boring. More spontaneous and confident in general. Or mibbe ah just wish ah wus like everybuddy else to a certain extent? :thinking: Less weary o' people, at least.

Ah don't know what da f**k's wrong with me - aside from the obvious...

Someone complimented me again on the t-shirt I was wearing. One with the logo for Canadian prog-rock band Rush on it. And I thank the guy with a wee nod and a "Thanks". But I feel masel' going like this: :shyness:

God knows how ah'll feel at the weekend when I'm sitting in the front row of yet another comedy and wearing the same t-shirt as I did during last year's Fringe festival.

This is the shirt in question, in case yer wondering...



^ As a previously mention on here, this shirt nearly f**k-up the set of another Scottish comedian ah saw during the Fringe last year. Now, I'm not the least bit worried about wearing it, I'm just wee bit concern that I'm going to be the opening banter at the start o' the show. So, history might repeat itself this upcoming Sunday afternoon. And we'll be 2 in a potential audience of 50.

Here's who my sister and I huv got tickets to see at the weekend:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48A1zQrBMcI

Well, that's temporary back from Edinburgh. Gan back up at the weekend, like. Ma sister just remembered we'd book tickets for a show in Carlisle at some point last year which is happening tomorrow. Glad we didnae book tickets for the Fringe or we'd be double-booked.

Aside fae that, I'm just being ma usual insecure self, like. Though, ah huv enjoyed ma time in Edinburgh this year. Glad ah decided pack a lot into this month. Because it's sure been memorable in more way than one. Next year ah think ah take in more of the sights, wander about a bit more. And hopefully ah'll be at level of fitness that allow me to get about on crutches.