How are you feeling?

Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
There's too much family drama going on that I'm supposedly obligated to care about, even though it's does affect my life. I'm not the one going through a divorce with 2 kids. But, apparently, I should in tears about that. :crying:

Nevermind if I predict that this would happen 3 years ago, when my older sister and her husband had a massive row that had their first daughter balling. Our mum on verge o' pulling her hair oot, playing peace-maker. And me wanting to march downstairs, grab my coat, shoes n' hat, shout "Hud enough - f**k the f**kin' lotta ye! C*nts! I'm done!, leave the house and never return. :veryangry:

So, not doing so well, overall. Aye, there's some good in my life, but it's worth even focusing on in the grand scheme o' things. My sister's divorce is more of a priority. Long story short - the end. :bigsmile: Sorry, I tend to joke when I'm stressed.

My family's f**ked-up and I want to die. :sad:
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Can't say I am doing well at the moment. All I really want is to no longer exist. I cannot function in society because well society is a scary f*cked up place. It is not for people like me who struggle on a day to day basis. I don't know man the more I think about the more it becomes clear to me that my life just needs to end.:sad:
 
Marc7

Marc7

Well-known member
Graeme1988 said:
You did actually mention that before. But my mum said she wouldn't go for it. Since I mentioned it before I start one-on-one counseling? Family counseling wouldn't work. Can just imagine it. My older sisters would just shout over each other and argument. Our mum would huv a nervous breakdown, since she prefer denying problems until things get really bad. And I'd be like this: :eek:mg: :kickingmyself: Then I finally lose my temper and start speaking my mind. Starting as direct rants in Scotland start: "See you..." followed by, "Aye, you're another yin..."
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That is unfortunate.

Graeme1988 said:
I know they're wrong, no offence taken. Telling them that... Different story. That when offence is taken.
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Cool.

Graeme1988 said:
Yeah, well... We never really talk much anyway. Bit difficult to bond with a parent who wus seldom mentioned or talked when I was growing up? And if he was, my dad wasn't spoken about in good terms.
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I see, your dad visited you later in your life and wasn't around until then?

Graeme1988 said:
And physically. But the emotionally hurt seems to had a lasting impact.And she's passed that hurt onto me by proxy. With little remorse even acknowledgement that man-hating rants and bitter relationship advice was bad parent. Since they were direct at me, even they were about my dad most of the time. And saying sorry after the fact doesnae change that for me. :thumbdown:
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Your mother was not right to project her feelings on to you.

Graeme1988 said:
I have eight half-siblings on my father's side of the family. Originally there was ten, including me, but two them passed away in years prior to dad dying, himself.
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Sorry to hear they passed away.

Graeme1988 said:
Don't actually know if they're full Kenyan or not. Since I don't know the nationality if the mother. But if my dad stayed with the same woman after leaving my mum - who was also a white Scottish woman - then they'll be bi-racial and half-Scottish like me. Belle definitely had the Scottish accent from what I recall, so... :idontknow:
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So they are all younger then you?
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Another bad day
Just like yesterday
Faacked-up in the same way
When o when will my bad days end?
I can only hope and pray, not that it holds any sway
I've nothing more to say...
...
(PiP, Poetry in Progress ... <SUSPENDED>)
 
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theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Running on fear. Oh dear! :sad:
Better than yesterday, and better than yesteryear
But the fear is constantly there

I could KILL to be dead
'Right' said Fred
I'm only living by "decree"
As the law says it's illegal to die in order to be happy
But the fact is, everyday we die a billion deaths, cell by cell
So death by that method is legal, as it's gradual, not in a single spell
But whether those cells are actually "us", well, who can tell?

"Tempted" to pop a pile of pills
That could be the cure to all my ills
But would it work? i cannot say
There might be a price to pay
So for now, with my pain, i cannot allay

Bored as bored can be
And about as crazy as a laughing tree
That's what decades of isolation has done to me
Driven me to nothing short of absolute misery

Life's recently been getting harder
Which i why i'm often visiting my liquor larder
...
(PiP, Poetry in Progress ... <SUSPENDED>)
 
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theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
I was always the one who was faulty, at fault, too quiet, too pale, too skinny, too this, too that, in my room too much - while everyone else was "okay", accepted, & smug about it no doubt. Even my parents, i'm sure, thought that (& occasionally commented on such). :thumbdown:
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
Why must life always boil down to people?
My pain surely is not about people (or lack thereof), but it's about LIFE and my REALITY. Those are the real issues, i'm sure of it; one of them can be altered, so there IS hope.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Och! Same auld shite routine. Perpetual misery as per usual. :sad:

Just wonderin' why the responsibility for getting shite done is left to me? Always, every time. :kickingmyself:
And this utter b*llocks about how I supposedly "...know everything". Oooh, do ah now? As if that counts as a praise - piss off! :thumbdown:
Ah rarely give myself a moment's rest or time to reflect or even relax.

Cannae even rely upon my own family to do anything for me, even when asked nicely. And I can't cuz they are, by their own admission: "...useless". Which is normally something they'd frequently say of me, up until last year. Cuz, by f**k, did they witness the sheer drive and determination ah huv to get stuff done during that post-surgery rehab! Definitely put waste to that notion that I'm the lazy one in the family. Them being useless on the other hand? Aye, that they are. Wouldnae trust 'em tae sell sun tan lotion tae a f**kin' shadow.

But, as I've told my mum often enough, I'm well used to it. The disappointment. The huvin tae make up for their mistakes. Being let doon. Christ, I expected it! Since I have so little confidence in their ability to keep their word, ah don't even ask anything for them now.
 
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defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Some days I say that I could die any day now and other times I find myself saying I wish today was the day that I would just drop dead. Lately I have been feeling the second more than the first.:sad:
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Pissed off that every decision I think is sensible is derided as "stupid". That's how my mum views everything that doesnae fall in line with her way of thinking. But I'm the miserable c*nt, alledgedly. :kickingmyself:

Sorry, it's hard no to let that get to me, since the wimmin in my family have been emasculating for the past 15 years. Never really shown me any respect, yet I'm supposed to be "nice" to them - always. F**k the fact they constantly let me down, make excuses and leave me to do everything that I ask of them. :eek:h: So much for being reliable, eh? :veryangry:

But hey, I'm expendable. Amn't I? As if they'd care if I wus'nae around anymore. :sad:
 
GraybeardGhost

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
Frustrated and relieved in near-equal measures. Every month I get a check in the mail, and every month I go half out of my mind—the half that wasn't already—trying to use my bank's mobile app to deposit it in my account. The dag-blasted app simply will not play nice with my phone's system and camera. Every damn month it screws things up. I start, it stops. Every single time. Thirty or forty minutes (or longer) and five or six restarts later, it finally goes through, but I'm left exhausted from the aggravation. I can't tell you how many times I've come close to throwing the phone across the room or smashing it with a baseball bat. So far, it has survived my wrath, but one of these days . . . Hell, I need a new phone anyway. I have to wonder if it's really worth this monthly torment just to have a little extra cash to hand. :kickingmyself:
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
I want to give up so bad. Take the so called easy way out. You know the path that many would say proves you are a coward. But you know what....those people do not even have a f*cking clue as to the daily torture I have to go through. In fact I am convinced most of them couldn't last a week with the same circumstances as me. I just want to crawl into a corner and cry my eyes out for days.:crying::crying::crying:
 
AtTheGates

AtTheGates

Banned
I had a dream last night about a flaming horse running through a field . I didnt think anything of it until after work I looked it up apparently its some kind of buddhist symbol. very strange . idk what to make of it. ......maybe it was just a random dream but idk why I would dream about a fire horse when iv never even heard of it before nor have I seen anything like that on tv, movies, internet , video games,etc (because stuff you see in real life is usually what influences your dreams) ....but that wasnt the case in this dream.



hmmmm....oh well.
 
BlueDays

BlueDays

1
theslowesthand said:
Yep, most of my days are like that. Every day at present is a bad day, and i wish i were dead. And i sometimes wish my air rifle was a "real" gun.
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Me too. :sad:
I know if I could get access to a gun I would have been dead long before now. I am surprised that more people in America don't commit suicide more often with the easy availability of guns over there! :idontknow:
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Don't know. How are ye supposed to feel after ye hear the news that yer cousin's cooped up in the local hospital, worse for wear, after some c*nt randomly beat f**k outta 'em outside a local nightclub? :veryangry:

Mind you, my cousin's brother are lookin' to enact some violent retribution on this b@$%@rd, once they find 'em. Cuz that's how ye deal with things when somebuddy messes with yer family. Ah know it's wrong, but f**k it! :bat:
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
You know you are in trouble when you think about ending your life and all that comes to mind is calmness and a feeling of joy. To be honest if I had a gun right now and if my parents really hated my guts, I would pull the trigger today. No hesitation at all whatsoever. But my Mom does care and others as well. So I am forced to live. It's a funny statement isn't it? Having to say that I am being "forced to live" as opposed to saying something along the lines of I am happy to be alive or life is such a wonderful gift. Nope none of that for me. I am being forced to live and it is as simple as that.:kickingmyself::crying::crying:
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
You know you are in trouble when you think about ending your life and all that comes to mind is calmness and a feeling of joy. To be honest if I had a gun right now and if my parents really hated my guts, I would pull the trigger today. No hesitation at all whatsoever. But my Mom does care and others as well. So I am forced to live. It's a funny statement isn't it? Having to say that I am being "forced to live" as opposed to saying something along the lines of I am happy to be alive or life is such a wonderful gift. Nope none of that for me. I am being forced to live and it is as simple as that.:kickingmyself::crying::crying:
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Yep! I can definitely relate, there - as far as the whole living for someone else but yersel' goes. So, I don't see yer statement as funny per say in grand scheme o' things. What I mean is, it's not as odd as ye might think. Given what yer going through.

Sorry, if that doesn't help ye any, I was just saying. :idontknow:
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
defiance said:
You know you are in trouble when you think about ending your life and all that comes to mind is calmness and a feeling of joy. To be honest if I had a gun right now and if my parents really hated my guts, I would pull the trigger today. No hesitation at all whatsoever. But my Mom does care and others as well. So I am forced to live. It's a funny statement isn't it? Having to say that I am being "forced to live" as opposed to saying something along the lines of I am happy to be alive or life is such a wonderful gift. Nope none of that for me. I am being forced to live and it is as simple as that.:kickingmyself::crying::crying:
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I wish i could feel like that; i don't even feel that "hope" about death .. it's "all academic" for me, just logical, no joy/etc. If i did feel such, then i'd feel less hopeless about remaining alive .. if you get what i mean.

I too feel i am "forced" to keep living, for my parents sake.

Every day i read a passage of text about gratitute about life, but it just doesn't sink in - i don't feel the gratitude at all, but i just repeat the odd phrase like 'i am grateful for this breath that gives me live'. It's hard to be grateful when every day is misery/torture.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
theslowesthand said:
I wish i could feel like that; i don't even feel that "hope" about death .. it's "all academic" for me, just logical, no joy/etc. If i did feel such, then i'd feel less hopeless about remaining alive .. if you get what i mean.

I too feel i am "forced" to keep living, for my parents sake.

Every day i read a passage of text about gratitute about life, but it just doesn't sink in - i don't feel the gratitude at all, but i just repeat the odd phrase like 'i am grateful for this breath that gives me live'. It's hard to be grateful when every day is misery/torture.
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I have tried those mantras as well and you are right. You can't be forced to feel grateful for being alive when deep down in your very core it is the complete opposite regarding how you truly feel.
 
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