Ashiene
Well-known member
At the start of July 2012, after having been a regular on this forum for 6 years, I decided to take a long break and change my life, for the better. I wanted to never need to come back here again, hoping to recover. I deletedd over half of all my posts, including all 13 pages of threads I ever started. I wanted to forget about all the negativity in this place and in the words I wrote. I wanted to start anew.
That was 8 months ago. For the first 5 months, I succeeded. In that time, I quit smoking, quit binge eating, lost over 15kg through eating a proper diet, regular exercise. I read up on and also taught myself mental techniques to combat my anxieties and OCD. I was OCD and anxiety-free for months. It was the longest I went without a relapse. My mind was very positive and clear. I could sort out my thoughts, think about happy, bright things. I thought I could now live the life I always wanted. Panic, fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts- they were things of the past.
But 3 months ago, almost overnight, my mind turned upon itself. It was a sudden shockwave that hit me one day, and I realised, in all that time, I was merely hiding and escaping from reality. I was creating illusions of safety, complacency and false positivity in order to protect my mind and my sanity from the cold, harsh reality that confronted me every day. I was not as positive and happy as I thought I was in those 5 months. No, that was a lie my mind fabricated to keep it from falling apart. I realised then that I was never truly happy or free from my anxiety/OCD during that time. I was just erecting a barrier between my mind and reality, blinding myself to the nasty truth of my debilitating disorders in order to prevent myself from going crazy because of the perpetual stress.
It is much like how a child who has suffered extreme mental trauma in his youth, grows up to suppress that painful memory because the mind is unable to accept the reality of its existence. Likewise, it was during that 3 month period that I realised this in an instant and my entire delusions of hope broke apart. The veil that covered my mind, protected it from itself, tore open. My mind once again saw the past, how futile the fight had been, that those words of hope and positivity I chanted to myself every day like a mantra during those 5 months were like empty prayers to a non-existent god, that I was merely using the placebo effect of self-reassurance to calm myself.
In those 3 months, I reverted back to what I was. I regained almost all of the weight I took so much hard work and discipline to lose. I smoked again, I binged on food like before. Relentlessly, the negativity assaulted my fragile mind, now no longer protected from the lies I once concealed it with. Here I am now, back where I started, an even greater failure...
That was 8 months ago. For the first 5 months, I succeeded. In that time, I quit smoking, quit binge eating, lost over 15kg through eating a proper diet, regular exercise. I read up on and also taught myself mental techniques to combat my anxieties and OCD. I was OCD and anxiety-free for months. It was the longest I went without a relapse. My mind was very positive and clear. I could sort out my thoughts, think about happy, bright things. I thought I could now live the life I always wanted. Panic, fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts- they were things of the past.
But 3 months ago, almost overnight, my mind turned upon itself. It was a sudden shockwave that hit me one day, and I realised, in all that time, I was merely hiding and escaping from reality. I was creating illusions of safety, complacency and false positivity in order to protect my mind and my sanity from the cold, harsh reality that confronted me every day. I was not as positive and happy as I thought I was in those 5 months. No, that was a lie my mind fabricated to keep it from falling apart. I realised then that I was never truly happy or free from my anxiety/OCD during that time. I was just erecting a barrier between my mind and reality, blinding myself to the nasty truth of my debilitating disorders in order to prevent myself from going crazy because of the perpetual stress.
It is much like how a child who has suffered extreme mental trauma in his youth, grows up to suppress that painful memory because the mind is unable to accept the reality of its existence. Likewise, it was during that 3 month period that I realised this in an instant and my entire delusions of hope broke apart. The veil that covered my mind, protected it from itself, tore open. My mind once again saw the past, how futile the fight had been, that those words of hope and positivity I chanted to myself every day like a mantra during those 5 months were like empty prayers to a non-existent god, that I was merely using the placebo effect of self-reassurance to calm myself.
In those 3 months, I reverted back to what I was. I regained almost all of the weight I took so much hard work and discipline to lose. I smoked again, I binged on food like before. Relentlessly, the negativity assaulted my fragile mind, now no longer protected from the lies I once concealed it with. Here I am now, back where I started, an even greater failure...