I stumbled upon this site earlier today while trying to find information about how I feel so hopefully I can find away to cope with it.
I can’t talk to people. I recently came to the realization that I believe I have some kind of social anxiety. I used to just chalk it up to being shy. I’m not sure if it’s getting worse or I’m noticing it more because it’s having a greater (negative) impact on my life. It’s probably both. I really started to notice it around July where I would be really a bit freaked out at work, and thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I would think I’ll look into it when I get home tonight. Once I would get home though I would feel much better and decided that it must have just been that day and there was no real problem. But there was and I would go through that cycle on many days. I always seemed to have various reasons for why I didn’t want to talk to people. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say so I won’t call someone (e.g. Grandmom). Other times it’s because I feel like I’ll be bothering them, it will result in some kind of confrontation, bad news, etc (e.g. work). But the reality is I just don’t like talking to people. I can barely even call to order food. If I’m with other people and we’re going to order something I will practically beg to not have to be the one to call in the order. When the phone rings at work I usually let it go to voice mail so that I can hear what they have to say and I can try to compose myself before talking to them. Similarly when calling someone as the phone rings all I can thing is, “please let it go to voice mail”.
Talking to people, especially those I don’t know, makes me extremely anxious and usually if possible I just avoid it all together. I think that it’s worse now than it ever had been before. I find that I barely want to leave the house other than to see friends or to get necessities. There isn’t anything I in particular I want to do at home. I just feel comfortable there and feel like I don’t have to deal with the rest of it (or at least I don’t have to think about those things). I’m sitting here at work and have this almost over whelming panicked feeling that someone will try or want or need to talk to me. I find the thought horrifying. I just want to run away from it all. The further I can distance myself from contact with someone all the better. If I can e-mail someone rather than talk to them on the phone, I will take the electronic communication every time. But I find even e-mail to be too much at times. Some times I will let an e-mail sit in my in box for a while because I’m afraid to open it. I’m afraid of what it might say, or what I might have to do, or how I might need to respond. There is an e-mail I should have sent about a month ago that I still haven’t sent (hopefully today is the day) I can’t even quantify why. It should be easy it’s just a request for certain information and documentation. But it’s a person I don’t really know, and I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.
This problem with talking to people combined with my propensity to procrastinate is proving to be a deadly combination. Between those to things I’m failing to adequately perform my job which in turn is stressing me out even more so. I feel defective as a human being. More and more I think about how if only I could get sick enough (mono sounds about right) and not have to go to work anymore. Or worse yet I think if only I would die then I wouldn’t have to deal with this ever again. Not that I would kill myself or anything that seems painful and I would hate for people to remember me in that way. But rather if I just went peacefully in my sleep. Ultimately I don’t really want to die I’m not really comfortable with the finality of it, but some times it seems like an acceptable alternative to this. I hate that I have thoughts like this. On paper so to speak my life seems pretty good. My job should be decent (though I feel like I am ruining that), and I should be doubly happy about it considering the economic conditions at the moment. I have a great girlfriend that I life with. We have a pretty nice house. I actually have a great group of friends that I’m very close with and love hanging out with. Though I will almost never initiate an activity but will wait for someone else to do it. I’m pretty good with my family. But my issues with dealing with people (and procrastination) seem to be ruining it for me, and at the least are preventing me from fully enjoying life.
About two months ago having a conversation with my girlfriend she was talking about a coworker who has anxiety problems, and I realized that sounded similar to some of my problems. About a month and to a month and a half ago I finally went ahead with seeking out a therapist. I’m only three sessions into that. I hope it will help and I think it will. I know there are no quick fixes, I really wish there were. I feel like I’m barely cooping with it now, and it seems to be getting worse. I dread the start of the week. Everyday seems like a battle where I’m just fighting to make it too the weekend so I can retreat back to my little world and get away from all this. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week.
I can’t talk to people. I recently came to the realization that I believe I have some kind of social anxiety. I used to just chalk it up to being shy. I’m not sure if it’s getting worse or I’m noticing it more because it’s having a greater (negative) impact on my life. It’s probably both. I really started to notice it around July where I would be really a bit freaked out at work, and thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I would think I’ll look into it when I get home tonight. Once I would get home though I would feel much better and decided that it must have just been that day and there was no real problem. But there was and I would go through that cycle on many days. I always seemed to have various reasons for why I didn’t want to talk to people. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say so I won’t call someone (e.g. Grandmom). Other times it’s because I feel like I’ll be bothering them, it will result in some kind of confrontation, bad news, etc (e.g. work). But the reality is I just don’t like talking to people. I can barely even call to order food. If I’m with other people and we’re going to order something I will practically beg to not have to be the one to call in the order. When the phone rings at work I usually let it go to voice mail so that I can hear what they have to say and I can try to compose myself before talking to them. Similarly when calling someone as the phone rings all I can thing is, “please let it go to voice mail”.
Talking to people, especially those I don’t know, makes me extremely anxious and usually if possible I just avoid it all together. I think that it’s worse now than it ever had been before. I find that I barely want to leave the house other than to see friends or to get necessities. There isn’t anything I in particular I want to do at home. I just feel comfortable there and feel like I don’t have to deal with the rest of it (or at least I don’t have to think about those things). I’m sitting here at work and have this almost over whelming panicked feeling that someone will try or want or need to talk to me. I find the thought horrifying. I just want to run away from it all. The further I can distance myself from contact with someone all the better. If I can e-mail someone rather than talk to them on the phone, I will take the electronic communication every time. But I find even e-mail to be too much at times. Some times I will let an e-mail sit in my in box for a while because I’m afraid to open it. I’m afraid of what it might say, or what I might have to do, or how I might need to respond. There is an e-mail I should have sent about a month ago that I still haven’t sent (hopefully today is the day) I can’t even quantify why. It should be easy it’s just a request for certain information and documentation. But it’s a person I don’t really know, and I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.
This problem with talking to people combined with my propensity to procrastinate is proving to be a deadly combination. Between those to things I’m failing to adequately perform my job which in turn is stressing me out even more so. I feel defective as a human being. More and more I think about how if only I could get sick enough (mono sounds about right) and not have to go to work anymore. Or worse yet I think if only I would die then I wouldn’t have to deal with this ever again. Not that I would kill myself or anything that seems painful and I would hate for people to remember me in that way. But rather if I just went peacefully in my sleep. Ultimately I don’t really want to die I’m not really comfortable with the finality of it, but some times it seems like an acceptable alternative to this. I hate that I have thoughts like this. On paper so to speak my life seems pretty good. My job should be decent (though I feel like I am ruining that), and I should be doubly happy about it considering the economic conditions at the moment. I have a great girlfriend that I life with. We have a pretty nice house. I actually have a great group of friends that I’m very close with and love hanging out with. Though I will almost never initiate an activity but will wait for someone else to do it. I’m pretty good with my family. But my issues with dealing with people (and procrastination) seem to be ruining it for me, and at the least are preventing me from fully enjoying life.
About two months ago having a conversation with my girlfriend she was talking about a coworker who has anxiety problems, and I realized that sounded similar to some of my problems. About a month and to a month and a half ago I finally went ahead with seeking out a therapist. I’m only three sessions into that. I hope it will help and I think it will. I know there are no quick fixes, I really wish there were. I feel like I’m barely cooping with it now, and it seems to be getting worse. I dread the start of the week. Everyday seems like a battle where I’m just fighting to make it too the weekend so I can retreat back to my little world and get away from all this. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week.