Unavoidable Problem in Life?

[Silvox Black]

Allow me to make my intentions clear. I do not attempt to offend anyone on this forum or insult their choices or beliefs. I am simply offering a question that has been bothering me for quite a while. It seems that in life, when it comes to love, it boils down to finding a person who you can share your common beliefs and interests in who appreciates you the same as you do for him/her. If one is successful in this, then they are happy. Yet, my doubt has always been, that even if someone such as myself who is "less than standard" by most standards in our world today were to find a lover, the experience would always be less enjoyable and always downgraded. It would not be as fulfilling as say someone who has a well toned body, no personality faults, and is free from mental disorders who finds himself/herself a lover.

In essence, when it comes to love, do those of us with SA, depression, OCD, etc. have to lower our standards to be satisfied while others can live at a level of happiness higher than ours, even if we have lovers as well?

 

[Emily_G]

I'm not sure I understand the question fully, but I will try I knew a lady on a different forum who also stutters, she said she only married her husband because he accepted her stuttering and felt that no other man would. How horrible he would feel if he knew this, I hope he does not. I can honestly say I did not settle on my husband, I love him very much and he loves me just as much

 

[Elenwen]

I'm not entirely sure I understand the question, but I didn't "settle" on my boyfriend. He's the perfect match for me. We've been through a lot together, but I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life.

 

[Silvox Black]

I'm not sure I understand the question fully, but I will try I knew a lady on a different forum who also stutters, she said she only married her husband because he accepted her stuttering and felt that no other man would. How horrible he would feel if he knew this, I hope he does not. I can honestly say I did not settle on my husband, I love him very much and he loves me just as much

Then I am pleased you have found such good fortune in this world for your husband.

My apologies. My wording tends to be a bit too complicated at times. What I was asking was, in order for people with SA, depression, or any other related disorders to find love, do we have to make ourselves lower our standards of what we think we want in a man/woman in order to find love? While other normal people do not have to do this and can be happier than us?

 

[Silvox Black]

I'm not entirely sure I understand the question, but I didn't "settle" on my boyfriend. He's the perfect match for me. We've been through a lot together, but I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life.

Then I must ask, you do not feel like you somehow missed out on an experience in life? You didn't feel as though your love life could have been better in some way if so and so was changed or improved?

 

[Elenwen]

^I lowered my standards with my first boyfriend and I was completely miserable the entire time I was with him. After he dumped me (thank God!) I refused to date anyone until I met someone I felt was "right" for me, and it turned out well. I think that lowering your standards just because you don't believe in yourself/like yourself is going to sabotage any attempt at happiness you could have, and in that case of course you're not going to be as happy as someone who didn't lower their standards.

Relationships themselves don't make people happy; finding someone who loves and accepts you for who you are is what brings the happiness. And just because you're in a happy relationship doesn't mean there aren't going to be any hard times. I get so frustrated when I read/hear about people who think that, "Just finding a boy/girl" will fix everything--it won't. You have to fix yourself, a relationship is not a magical solution.

 

[Elenwen]

Then I must ask, you do not feel like you somehow missed out on an experience in life? You didn't feel as though your love life could have been better in some way if so and so was changed or improved?

I don't think so. I mean, he stuck by me through depression, self-injury, social anxiety, unemployment, pancreatitis, and cancer. I think that finding him was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't think I would have to date a hundred men just to feel fulfilled. He loves me unconditionally, and I can't ask for more than that!

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

someone who has a well toned body, no personality faults, and is free from mental disorders who finds himself/herself a lover.

Before you consider lowering your standards, I think it's important to point out that this person does not exist in real life. Absolutely everyone has personality faults and issues, it's part of the human condition.

I think it's more a matter of finding someone whose issues are compatible with your own.

 

[humansrare]

Unless someone has impossible or exceedingly high standards, like me :/, I don't think anyone should lower their standards no matter what. Just because you have a disorder doesn't mean you shouldn't have a happy love life, and if you go below your set standards..you probably won't be satisfied.

 

[Silvox Black]

Unless someone has impossible or exceedingly high standards, like me :/, I don't think anyone should lower their standards no matter what. Just because you have a disorder doesn't mean you shouldn't have a happy love life, and if you go below your set standards..you probably won't be satisfied.

But if someone doesn't lower their standards, doesn't that mean they have to go through life unhappy?

 

[Krista]

Then I am pleased you have found such good fortune in this world for your husband.

My apologies. My wording tends to be a bit too complicated at times. What I was asking was, in order for people with SA, depression, or any other related disorders to find love, do we have to make ourselves lower our standards of what we think we want in a man/woman in order to find love? While other normal people do not have to do this and can be happier than us?

May I ask, do you feel as if you need to lower your standards to find someone? Because we have SA or another disorder we're in a way damaged goods, so we should look for someone who is likewise socially low as well? But "normal" people don't need to do this because they don't have our problems right?

 

[Silvox Black]

May I ask, do you feel as if you need to lower your standards to find someone? As if, because we have SA or another disorder we're in a way damaged goods, so we should look for someone who his likewise socially low as well? But "normal" people don't need to do this because they don't have our problems right?

I would like to say no. In all honesty, I do not wish to invalidate what we have suffered and somehow imply that we are less appealing to others who have not borne the pain of what we have dealt with.

However, that would be lying.

I'm afraid that, be it because of my current state in life, my upbringing, my exposure to certain social environments, that is the only viable conclusion I have been finding.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I find that I can only stomach so much of someone if they haven't lived through major pain and tragedy. I find them difficult to take seriously, and annoying.

I'm afraid that, be it because of my current state in life, my upbringing, my exposure to certain social environments, that is the only viable conclusion I have been finding.

This is a pretty broad and vague statement. I would like more detail to understand it, if you would.

 

[Silvox Black]

I find that I can only stomach so much of someone if they haven't lived through major pain and tragedy. I find them difficult to take seriously, and annoying.


This is a pretty broad and vague statement. I would like more detail to understand it, if you would.

What I mean is that due to the family I was raised in, some of their values would inevitably influence me to like or hate them. The places that I have lived in will influence my views on how the world is. All that I have experienced will cause my to have bias because no one can live an unbiased life. It is in this bias of my life that I have continually seen countless times, that those who have social or mental issues have to lower their standards to love people similar to them in order to be happy, whilst the "normal" people can be happier than use because they have not suffered as we have.

 

[Hellhound]

If your standards are not insanely high, then I don't think you should lower them. Just keep them "normal".

I suppose my standards are not high, I don't really expect anything from others except understanding and being treated nicely, with respect... but I can't say much because I'm not sure about this. I never really thought about it.

 

[Krista]

What I mean is that due to the family I was raised in, some of their values would inevitably influence me to like or hate them. The places that I have lived in will influence my views on how the world is. All that I have experienced will cause my to have bias because no one can live an unbiased life. It is in this bias of my life that I have continually seen countless times, that those who have social or mental issues have to lower their standards to love people similar to them in order to be happy, whilst the "normal" people can be happier than use because they have not suffered as we have.

Hm, I'm sure I understand what you're saying. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of this reasoning more than us :: That's an awfully bleak outlook on things. I wouldn't understand why we should be the one's who lower our standards. Well anyone really. So, you always have a general idea of what you'd are looking for in a partner or just someone you like..you think that you should give up this idea because you don't feel good enough for them or that because SA they wouldn't accept you. So to hell with that idea, I suppose I'll love someone who is similar to me and my problems because no one "normal" would accept them?

 

[Silvox Black]

Hm, I'm sure I understand what you're saying. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of this reasoning more than us :: That's an awfully bleak outlook on things. I wouldn't understand why we should be the one's who lower our standards. Well anyone really. So, you always have a general idea of what you'd are looking for in a partner or just someone you like..you think that you should give up this idea because you don't feel good enough for them or that because SA they wouldn't accept you. So to hell with that idea, I suppose I'll love someone who is similar to me and my problems because no one "normal" would accept them?

I suppose that is correct. Though it is more of a pervading sense of guilt and dissatisfaction. I mean, if I were to have a partner and she knew of my views on this matter, would she not blame herself as if it is somehow her own shortcoming, not mine? My views here cause quite a bit of guilt on my part. I do not have any desire to view things this way, but I see no other option. So I suppose you are correct in your conclusion.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Well, she'd probably be pretty insulted to discover you were 'settling' for her, but I think this is a counterproductive hypothetical.

I think that if you actually manage to overcome the obstacles to actively meeting girls, you will surprise yourself as to whom you can get.

 

[Silvox Black]

Well, she'd probably be pretty insulted to discover you were 'settling' for her, but I think this is a counterproductive hypothetical.

I think that if you actually manage to overcome the obstacles to actively meeting girls, you will surprise yourself as to whom you can get.

Actively meeting girls is not the problem for me at the moment. I already have a partner. I am currently fighting with issues of self-doubt is all.

 

[userremoved]

I think that if you actually manage to overcome the obstacles to actively meeting girls, you will surprise yourself as to whom you can get.

I agree with this, I feel a lot of people here, guys and girls too, don't give themselves nearly enough credit.