Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?

TooShyShy said:

Here's an idea..why not let HER DECIDE who is good enough and who she should be withyou may be pleasantly surprised one day at what happens!

Click to expand...

Maybe you're right. But sometimes that shyness is so hard to overcome that you don't want go until action without a certain level of reassurance. And obviously the girl is able to make her own mind, but I wouldn't want to put one in a position to feel obligated to do anything

TooShyShy said:

Here's an idea..why not let HER DECIDE who is good enough and who she should be withyou may be pleasantly surprised one day at what happens!

Click to expand...

Of course, but it's not a simple act of just blurting out "I really like you" mid-conversation; there's a big element of timing to it, which is one of the things that holds me back - "she might like me, but if I ask her too soon she might still reject me".

Of course once again fear of rejection lies at the basis of the problem. ...but how can we take it away?

thesmallestloser said:

Lets see...
- fear of the unknown
- fear of the feeling of fear (silly, i know)
- punishing self; feeling sorry for self
- feel unlovabel/unattractive (& don't want to give her ANY chance to affirm this, thereby confirming it; maybe am "clinging-by-fingertips" to 'yes, i'm unnattractive, BUT JUST MAYBE that's not the case .. but i'm TERRIRIFIED to find out one way or the other, so i'll just AVOID finding out one way or the other .. and that way i can remain in denial, in my tentative "safe bubble", and feeling still in control')
- fear of change (maybe comfortable being single/alone; & scared of how your life would change with a woman in it)
- fear of losing control (of thoughts/feelings/actions)
- fear of being manipulated/controlled
- fear of rejection (can't forget that old gem!)
- unable to express feelings to others (or just to women?)
- fear of being seen as "weak" (& at mercy of such feelings)
- fear of feeling weak/pathetic (again, the "masculinity" thing/problem)
- expecting nothing to ever happen with any woman, and so in order to conserve effort/energy-expenditure/time (& prevent disappointment/frustration), don't even make any attempt to connect/etc
- much past bad experiences with women/people, and so do not want to give "the enemy" ANY opportunity whatsoever to hurt your feelings
- don't want to allow self to become attracted with any woman (to avoid the pain/frustration of it not going any further than simply one-sided attraction)
To sum it up...
- FEAR (or TERROR)

Click to expand...

TooShyShy said:

Sounds like you live with all of this daily

Click to expand...

Not so. These days i hardly ever am in the presence of women, whether i'm attracted to them or not. I have simply "dredged" my mind/memory for things to populate this list. But of course, i have experienced first-hand all of these reasons in the past, which means i have proof of their validity.

TooShyShy said:

...have you ever given ANYONE a chance, ever?

Click to expand...

Nope. But the answer to that could have been gained from studying the list!

This whole thread seems to be based on the premise that there is this guy who the original poster seems to like, and she thinks might be shy, and therefore not be able to reciprocate that interest in her.

I would suggest that the original poster probably wouldn't care much about guys who were shy but she didn't have a crush on. There are guys who will suffer rejection after rejection, they are not the kind that girls have crushes on. Continued rejection is never pleasant and it slowly destroys souls.

I wonder how she would react to approaches from guys like that? Who may like/love her as much as the object of her current crush? Rembering that these guys mght be devastated if their feelings were unrequited.

vj288 said:

Is it better to live this way and watch, stare, fantasize about her from afar and be sad and lonely rather than let the girl know you are attracted to her?

Click to expand...

It may sound sad, but sometimes yes. It's better than being rejected or worse, holding her back because I'm not good enough.[/QUOTE]

Im at the situation at the moment but I cant tell her that I like her.I dont think she feel the same.I remember she wanted talk with me in school but Im so fuc**ng shy and i have also avoidant personality disorder.

How to forget somebody you like?

I hate how women wait and wait and wait KNOWING you like them. Why don't THEY ever say something? Being a man isn't easy.

I stared at this girl at the gym daily for weeks and now she doesn't ever go there. Is that my fault?

^ Lol, I can relate to that xD

You got a point there btw... women should approach men more often... they want to be treated equally right? Well there you go... lol!

EasySkankin2 said:

^ Lol, I can relate to that xD

You got a point there btw... women should approach men more often... they want to be treated equally right? Well there you go... lol!

Click to expand...

Oh jeez, another thing to worry about. Are you trying to tell me girls might start coming up to me now?!?

^ Hey I would totally love that... though I'd probably piss my pants while it was happening - still it would make my day... wouldn't it make yours too?

Honestly, I think there's more pressure for girls to be sociable. Society kind of romanticizes the strong male silent-type. A quiet girl is seen as being stuck-up.

EasySkankin2 said:

^ Hey I would totally love that... though I'd probably piss my pants while it was happening - still it would make my day... wouldn't it make yours too?

Click to expand...

Oh of course it would make my day, the idea that a girl would want anything to do with me. But no matter how it went I would find something to beat myself up for afterwards, either a stumbled word, something I did or didn't say, the socks I decided to put on that day...

Minty said:

Honestly, I think there's more pressure for girls to be sociable. Society kind of romanticizes the strong male silent-type. A quiet girl is seen as being stuck-up.

Click to expand...

Not for me, a quiet girl isn't stuck-up, but has something to hide. It's mysterious, a more than meets the eye like thing. Oh, and mysterious is a attractive quality in my book.

I'm getting one of these cool hats:

TooShyShy said:

Or at least have some feelings or an attraction for her? Why hide your feelings and not acknowledge them? What is the worry in the girl knowing this? Why hold back?

Is it better to live this way and watch, stare, fantasize about her from afar and be sad and lonely rather than let the girl know you are attracted to her?

Click to expand...

Why hide my feelings ? Great. I found my cbt sheet here with my core beliefs and assumptions and rules. Here is around 10% of them.

1. feelings of attraction are a sign of weakness.
2. women are people who can't be trusted and just want to hurt and humiliate when you turn out to not be the person they thought you were.
3. showing any flaws in my behaviour or personality is completely unacceptable
4. other will think I'm just a dirty pervert for wanting to be in a relationship and interested in sex.
5. My feelings and needs for love and sex are worthless and not valid.
6. other men are better than me and more worthy to be in a relationship than me and I must step aside and avoid all contact with women.
7. being disapproved of in front of a women will show her how unacceptable I am.
8. other people will explain to her why she shouldn't be going out with me because of how much of a loser I am.
9. shyness and being quiet is absolutely a no no when being around a girl.
10. being around a woman will show everyone how good I am. But others will attack my pride because I don't deserve it and I'm not good enough
11. others must treat me special whenever I'm in a relationship and they must be extra nice to me.
12. my appearance is pathetic and no girl would ever want to have anything to do with me.
13. girls do not like boys and they should not communicate with one another. Such things are evil and naughty and must be punished.
14. I am a little boy trying to play in a man's field and have no place in trying to gain the approval of a women.
15. I'm just a loser and a freak and a weirdo, and what was I thinking even contemplating a relationship.

I wish I could watch, stare and fantasize because at least that is some freedom. But I can't and am only just beginning to make progress in anxiety over feelings and emotions.

i opened up to one girl so completely, that after we were finished (a year later) she destroyed me

i dont think ill try again for a long long time.

^ I wish that at least that would've happened to me. I have never ran my fingers through a girl's beautiful delicate hair... have never touched her soft and delicate cheeks... have never kissed... never never never....

Why? Because we are pieces of **** and don't deserve such a beautiful woman. Well, at least that's what we have been made to believe - through all the crap that people have put us through.

Yesterday and today, this beautiful beautiful girl at work who I have a huge crush on started making moves on me... getting very close to me, rubbing up against me and talking to me... what do I do? NOTHING. Holy ****, I am sad!

EasySkankin2 said:

....Why? Because we are pieces of **** and don't deserve such a beautiful woman. Well, at least that's what we have been made to believe - through all the crap that people have put is through.

Click to expand...

Why do you choose to listen to this voice and not the one that says "you're wonderful, and beautiful, and perfect just the way you are?"

EasySkankin2 said:

^ I wish that at least that would've happened to me. I have never ran my fingers through a girl's beautiful delicate hair... have never touched her soft and delicate cheeks... have never kissed... never never never....

Why? Because we are pieces of **** and don't deserve such a beautiful woman. Well, at least that's what we have been made to believe - through all the crap that people have put is through.

Click to expand...

love fills you so completely, that the emptiness you feel afterward makes you question if it was ever worth it in the first place

never knows best.

^ Because there is no such voice coyote . I wish there was... I really ****in do. Gotta live with what I got though... that's somethin about me, I never give up - even when I'm FUBARED.

You can be that voice.

Is there really someone else actually calling you a "piece of a string of asterisks" - or is that you, too?