Too good at doing things alone?

Josette

Josette

Well-known member
Anyone else feel like they've become too good at doing things alone?

I go to the movies a lot, out to eat, parks, museums, even vacation--alone. I've become good at (resigned?) to doing things alone instead of challenging myself to ask people to do stuff with me. It's too scary.

I remember trying in the past and it never worked out. Do people really just ask again and again and get used to a certain amount of YESes and NOes?

I have managed, against all odds, to make a few friends, but I am too chicken to even ask them to do things. I can sometimes manage--via email or text only--to ask if they want to go to lunch, but nothing more. Anything bigger is like I'm asking too much.
 
Dark_Angel

Dark_Angel

Well-known member
yeah i know what u mean , relate too ^^ my one company is my basketball ball =P at least "she" seems to be always agree with me due i have made like a smile on it xD btw about the texting emails and messages i definitely see my self reflect i rather feel a bit more secure and ok to say it by texting isteand of really asking by person btw we need to get a bit more secure of our selves and also try to dont make too much problems in our shyness and bit by bit improve
 
Hottie

Hottie

Well-known member
Im actully quite the opposite. I prefer doing things with people. I find that when im out and moving around i am ok being around people for the most part but if im on my own i make myself paro coz i do be on the look out for things that make me anxious. I do this unconciously and thinking of it noe, thats an area i can work on.

As for what you say about the friend situation. I think if you can ask by e-mail or text thats a good starting point. What you should put into practice is working on how you can improve on that. How do you think you can improve in that area?

Start really really small and see everything you do as a step. Doesnt matter if its a big, little or whatever, all that matters is you are pushing yourself just a teny tiny bit!!

:)
 
Josette

Josette

Well-known member
Hottie said:
Im actully quite the opposite. I prefer doing things with people...
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That's the thing. I'd prefer to do things with people too, but I'm too scared to ask people. I usually say yes when I'm asked, but I'm getting asked less and less as I further isolate myself.

You're right that I need to start small and just keep trying it. It just feels so hopeless. I gotta stop expecting it all to be fixed overnight.
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
As long as I am enjoying myself, I don't mind doing things idependently. I've found that sometimes doing things with other people detracts from my enjoyment. So much complication, potential for misunderstanding.
 
R

Rose_Red

Well-known member
I've come to the point where I prefer doing things alone, but sometimes I do like some company, which is normally my younger sister.
I feel comfortable with my sister alot of the time, but with anyone else I don't seem to manage very well no matter what it is.
 
Sprunk

Sprunk

Well-known member
I am still really embarrassed to go out alone in a lot of situations.I am not really sure why.I guess i feel like a loser.Which is annoying cause it holds me back from doing a lot of things::(:
 
B

botibol

New member
Sprunk said:
I am still really embarrassed to go out alone in a lot of situations.I am not really sure why.I guess i feel like a loser.Which is annoying cause it holds me back from doing a lot of things::(:
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you really feel what i feel, mostly when i m alone in crowded places.i usually ask some friends to go out and if the accept i have a good day.but sometimes i go out alone to see if i still can be relax alone among people,i really get disapointed.i feel like i am freaky not normal so not enjoying doing things.I think people all think that it is weird to be alone because when my friends see me standing alone somewhere,the first thing they say is 'why are you standing alone?' and it is really annoying.
 
N

nightcrawler

Well-known member
I've been to the cinema alone several times (usually when it's not busy - like a weekday afternoon showing), been to a handful of concerts alone (these are a bit more awkward), day trips into London or the coast, and other stuff. I haven't bothered doing any of these things lately though - just can't be arsed to put myself through the situations anymore. Saying that just last weekend it was really nice, sunny & warm out and I went (alone) to a large local park on my bicycle, and read a book for half an hour. And enjoyed it.

It's partly a control thing. When alone I feel I have total control of the situation. If I'm with someone and I feel uncomfortable in a certain situation then it's hard to either get out of it or explain any strange behaviour on my part. There's still stuff I'd like to do with other people though - like romantic walks with that special someone ::(: I hate eating out alone - even somewhere like McDonalds - so never do it.
 
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Noop

Well-known member
i do everything alone, or used to when i did go outside. walking about on your own is great because you work at your pace and your mind can think about other stuff rather than talking to someone else.
 
N0D

N0D

Banned
sometimes I think part of the reason I prefer to do things alone is because if I do things with other people I'll inevitably have to compromise and do some boring lame crap they want to do. If I do things alone I can always do what I want to do. Am I like super self centered or what? now if only I had the self esteem to go along with it...
 
Josette

Josette

Well-known member
Sprunk said:
I am still really embarrassed to go out alone in a lot of situations.I am not really sure why.I guess i feel like a loser.Which is annoying cause it holds me back from doing a lot of things::(:
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I am always self-conscious when I go out alone, but I've just gotten used to it. I do feel like a total loser. I stopped letting my anxieties hold me back from doing things I wanted to do and just resigned myself to doing them alone. The problem is that's getting me really depressed now. I see it being this way always, and I just can't see what the point it.
 
Josette

Josette

Well-known member
N0D said:
sometimes I think part of the reason I prefer to do things alone is because if I do things with other people I'll inevitably have to compromise and do some boring lame crap they want to do. If I do things alone I can always do what I want to do. Am I like super self centered or what? now if only I had the self esteem to go along with it...
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I used to agree to do anything anyone asked, even stuff I didn't want to do, because I had such a low opinion of myself that I thought I should be grateful they asked me at all. Now I only say yes to things I want to do for the most part.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, of course, but people are different with different interests and you're never going to find someone who wants to do exactly everything you do. So I think you have to compromise somewhat. You go to the restaurant they like, they go to the movie you pick, etc. The important thing is that it's equal (you're each giving a little) rather than letting the other person pick everything because they're the confident one and you're SA (like I used to do).
 
Apotheosis

Apotheosis

Well-known member
To be honest, I've sort of come to accept isolation as a part of my identity.

Not anxiety (never anxiety), but isolation. I've actually started to feel less anxious (even around people) the more I content myself with pure independence.

Perhaps that's a bad thing. Perhaps it's akin to "giving up".

But not worrying about making friends and good impressions feels like freedom to me. I've been able to focus on improving... well you get the point: I think it's been positive.

For me at least. My passions are not impaired by being alone. I imagine the same is not true for most people.
 
Lonelykitsune

Lonelykitsune

Well-known member
I wish I could be comfortable doing things alone like you can. I'm usually to anxious and end up doing nothing. I feel drained being with others too much, even if its like only once a month.
 
Josette

Josette

Well-known member
Apotheosis said:
To be honest, I've sort of come to accept isolation as a part of my identity.

Not anxiety (never anxiety), but isolation. I've actually started to feel less anxious (even around people) the more I content myself with pure independence.

Perhaps that's a bad thing. Perhaps it's akin to "giving up".

But not worrying about making friends and good impressions feels like freedom to me. I've been able to focus on improving... well you get the point: I think it's been positive.

For me at least. My passions are not impaired by being alone. I imagine the same is not true for most people.
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I was in the same place for awhile. Accepting of my fate and even feeling better about life in general. Then I went away on vacation (alone) a few weeks ago and got horribly depressed about it and about how I'll always be alone.

When I got back and spoke to my therapist, I was quite hysterical (sobbing, etc.). She reminded me of how I had been feeling better. Which just pissed me off even though it was true. I feel like, as you say, it's "giving up." I feel like she's telling me 'accept that this is all you can ever have and you'll be happier.' Which may be true, but it's heartbreaking.

Do you feel self-conscious at all about being alone? Even if I were to accept it, I can't bear dealing with family members. I live on the other side of the country from most of my family. Every year I go home to visit for the holidays and it gets harder and harder to do it because I feel like such a freak. My siblings and cousins are all married with children now and I'm the freak old maid. I can't bear it.
 
Josette

Josette

Well-known member
Lonelykitsune said:
I wish I could be comfortable doing things alone like you can. I'm usually to anxious and end up doing nothing. I feel drained being with others too much, even if its like only once a month.
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I know how you feel. Really. I used to be way too anxious to do anything myself. I started to feel like I was going crazy cooped up in my apartment all the time though.

If you want to change and start doing stuff yourself, how about start small? Going to a park is pretty low-stress. You can take a walk or sit and read. At least it'll get you out of the house (if that's a desire of yours...I may be projecting here!). I go and sit in my car and read at the marina a lot. Or you could try going to the movies by yourself. I guarantee you won't be the only singleton there. I speak from experience. Eating out by yourself is more challenging but it's easier if you don't go to a sit-down and take your order type of place. Go to one where you get you food at the counter then sit down.

Also keep in mind that us socially anxious types are always way more aware of people than they are of us. I know it feels like there's a spotlight on you when you're out alone but there really isn't. Most people are too wrapped up in there own stuff to notice you there alone.
 
ShyChild

ShyChild

Active member
I don't know if I'm good at it, but it's definitely my norm. On the rare occasions I interact & do things with others, it makes me feel like I'm better going at it alone. If you know what I mean.
 
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