Yet Another Depressing Rant... Woohoo...

[MaliceInWickedland]

You know what’s funny?

I try so hard… SO hard to make others feel as happy as happy can get when really I’m the one who should be putting the effort into making herself happy, but I refuse to. Why? Simply because I hate myself.

People will never understand how much I hate myself. I wake up every single morning wishing I hadn’t woken up in the first place and cry myself to sleep every night wishing it had been me that got aborted and not that other baby that was supposed to be born before me. I deserve nothing I have in this life. Absolutely nothing.

There are people out there starving to death, sleeping on the streets or in cardboard boxes, and slowly wasting away from cancer or whatever other horrible diseases exist out there while here I am, a pathetic 18 year old who has everything a person needs to be happy in this life, spending every single day of her miserable life being angry and depressed simply because she doesn’t know how to be happy. Aint that a hoot??

There isn’t a single human being out there more pathetic than I. All I’m good for is bringing myself down and bringing those closest to me down with me. There is no place out there for me. I’m just another sad statistic of a pathetic human being who doesn’t know how to live her own life properly. I’m amazed I even have friends at all, let alone ones who say they “care” about me. I don’t believe they really care for me though.

People might think they care but in reality they’re just too kind to smack me hard across the face and say “WAKE UP YOU F****** IDIOT! THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE SO UNHAPPY IS BECAUSE YOU WON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY!” If someone REALLY cared, they would do exactly that.

I want to hear someone yell at me. Tell me how stupid I am - how stupid I’ve ALWAYS been. I want to feel the powerful sting of their hand colliding with my cheek. I want to. Call me a masochist or just a straight-up freak but right now that’s the only thing that could make me happy.

Pfft, look at me. Throwing the word “happy” around like I even know what it means to be happy. That just goes to show you how pathetic I really am.

The best thing for me right now would be to move out someplace far, far away from civilization where I can be completely alone like I should be and not have to worry about making other people sad and miserable with my unwanted existence. That certainly wouldn’t bring me happiness but it would at least bring me peace of mind.

I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon. Probably not for another several years, if ever, so for now I’m just going to shut myself off from the world and recede back into my empty shell. The one place in this world where I truly belong.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

You guys are probably wondering where the hell all of that came from. I wish I could answer that for you but I honestly don’t know where all of this is coming from. I’ve just been feeling really depressed again lately and don’t have a single clue about the reason behind it. No surprise there though, right? All I ever do is come here and rant about what a clusterf*** of a human being I am so I’m sure you’re all used to this by now, unfortunately.

If it serves as any comfort to you guys, you won’t have to worry about seeing my ridiculously long posts around here for much longer. This might be one of my last few posts here for a while, if not for good.

I’m not going to bother explaining why. That would just add 20 more paragraphs of depressing crap on top of this already depressing crap.

So in case I won’t be showing up here again, I want to take this moment to bid you guys farewell. I’m not very good with these things so I hope this isn’t too corny.

So…

Damn… I don’t know where to begin.

Well… I really enjoyed being around people like you guys who actually take the time to read my pointless rants and provide words of comfort even though they usually fall on deaf ears, or blind eyes staring at her computer screen like a zombie in this case.

What I absolutely love about Social Phobia World is that you could be the biggest loser ever (like me) and act like nothing but a depressed idiot typing up a novel’s worth of negative depressing nonsense all the time (once again, like me) and people here will still be friendly and even go as far as to try and make you feel better about yourself and give you hope no matter how hopeless you might be.

Just know that every single one of you on this website are amazing people who deserve to be recognized as the amazing people they really are and not the outcasts the degenerates of this world treat you as, simply because they’re too caught up in themselves to see you for who you really are. You guys deserve nothing but the best and I’ll never forget the kindness and compassion you have all provided me in the time I’ve spent here as a member of SPW. I just hope my being around this site for the past year and a half or so wasn’t too much of a pain in the clacker.

Either way, thank you all, for everything. For providing me with a place where I can actually be myself without restraint. A place where everyone is friendly and no one will ever treat you like you’re worth less than you really are.

And yeah…

If anyone would like to keep in contact with me you can follow me on tumblr if you have one (Reluctantly Me). That's the only site I ever really use anymore and I’m usually on there reblogging random stuff and.. doing whatever else a bored teen does. You can also directly contact me via email: [email protected].

For those of you who have my old email, I lost the log-in info for it a while back so that’s more than likely why I never replied to your emails if you ever sent me any. My sincerest apologies for that.

Alright well… as Porky Pig always says: “that’s all folks!”

Take care everyone, and thanks again.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Malice, you say that you have everything you need to be happy and yet you aren't. You're lying. You're missing something; you may not know what it is, but you are. Everyone is suffering in their own way; don't think that just because your life isn't at stake that your pain is any less serious than anyone else's. We all deserve to be happy, so we, as a race, need to do whatever it takes to make sure that everyone of us is happy.

Don't try to make others feel happy. You're being self-sacrificing, an aspect I know too well. You need to make yourself happy sometimes. Go do something that you like or you can go resolve some problems that you have in your life. Either way, you need to find happiness in your life.

And Malice? If you ever go back to that shell, I will personally drag you out. I will not let you visit that hell where I stayed. If I have to come down there to where you live, I will, no questions asked.

 

[new account]

I could scream at you and say you're making yourself not be happy, but even when you think that, you can't control how things have been to cause you to get that mindset. Someone is doing worse than you if they have cancer, but that doesn't make you don't have anything worth being sad about yourself. If someone screamed at you, if won't solve anything.

Can you think of anything that happened to make you feel so bad?

Actually I shouldn't be trying to help you since I find a lot of things hard to do myself. I don't think talking to people helps anyone. I don't know why people see therapists. I think speaking about something to someone won't cheer anyone up since they'd still be traumatized from whatever happened. I don't know if anyone can help you on here. I think you'll just feel slightly better if someone responds to you and says they know what you're going through, but I don't think that will improve your situation. Do you understand? I don't know if there's anything that can help beside a psychiatric medication, but that might not be a cure, it might just be forcing you to feel good so life seems easier for you.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I feel very much the same, Malice. Always have.
I'm also yet to figure out anything to help me feel any better about myself.
No matter how much I gave or volunteered in the past, I still felt like I'm a waste of oxygen; like I don't deserve the clothes on my back or any of the food I eat.
I wish I had never been born. Like the world would've been better off without me in it to drag things down.

There are many more people who are innocent and hardworking and far more deserving of the things I have.
I feel like this all the time and I rarely say it anymore because it's just a waste of breath to say anything to anyone because they either think I'm being dramatic and I don't mean it-- or think I'm an idiot for having such a low opinion of myself.
I get it, Malice.
Rant all you like.
haha

 

[MikeyC]

Malice and Weirdy, I need to hurt you both just to make sure you see how great you both truly are.

I have sent an email, Malice. I hope you see it.

 

[MikeyC]

Actually, re-reading Malice's 2 posts and Weirdy's post has made me a mix between upset and angry: upset that the two of you think so lowly of yourselves and angry that you can't see the good you two truly have.

I don't know what to say. This is the most depressing thing I may have seen on this forum so far.

Way to slice a good mood in half. ::

 

[Phoenixx]

Oh Malice. :: You're not a loser, you're not pathetic, and I wish you didn't hate yourself as much as you did. I do understand what you're going through. I'm sure pretty much all of us here have felt the way you do at one point or another. I apologize that I'm not willing to yell and swear at you, but I do mean it when I say I care. Sure, I don't know you in person, but that shouldn't stop anyone from not being friends with you or caring about you in any sort of way. Just like everyone else here, you're a great person, and I love seeing your posts and talking to you. I'll miss you on the site, but I will be following your Tumblr. Good luck with everything, Malice. I really hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[MrJones]

Malice, I've felt that way. I feel that way all the time. I'm a total human waste, always been useless and I can't keep thinking that the world would be much better without me. I don't know if it's true or not, but my feelings won't change that easily, they are always very strong.

Seriously Malice, I know nothing I could say would make you feel better, as I've been always trying to make you feel better, because I thought you deserved to be happy, and you do. You deserve to be happy.

Comparing yourself with those who suffer more is something I do too, The thing is, we can be happy. And I'm sure that, sooner or later, you will.


And I agree with Mikey. I wish you and Weirdy could see the good things you two have. Malice, you are an exceptional woman, I always enjoyed every single word we shared and I wish we could have talked more, and Weirdy, you're simply the most wonderful person I've ever met, no words could describe how much of a beautiful person you are. You girls have been very improtant for me and I will never foget you, because there will always be a special place in my heart for you. It would break my heart if we could never speak again, I'm glad that at least you left your email address, you better expect one of my emails hehe

Take care Malice, it's been a pleasure to meet you. Hope we can talk again soon

 

[sillyrabbit231]

You know what’s funny?

I try so hard… SO hard to make others feel as happy as happy can get when really I’m the one who should be putting the effort into making herself happy, but I refuse to. Why? Simply because I hate myself.

People will never understand how much I hate myself. I wake up every single morning wishing I hadn’t woken up in the first place and cry myself to sleep every night wishing it had been me that got aborted and not that other baby that was supposed to be born before me. I deserve nothing I have in this life. Absolutely nothing.

There are people out there starving to death, sleeping on the streets or in cardboard boxes, and slowly wasting away from cancer or whatever other horrible diseases exist out there while here I am, a pathetic 18 year old who has everything a person needs to be happy in this life, spending every single day of her miserable life being angry and depressed simply because she doesn’t know how to be happy. Aint that a hoot??

There isn’t a single human being out there more pathetic than I. All I’m good for is bringing myself down and bringing those closest to me down with me. There is no place out there for me. I’m just another sad statistic of a pathetic human being who doesn’t know how to live her own life properly. I’m amazed I even have friends at all, let alone ones who say they “care” about me. I don’t believe they really care for me though.

People might think they care but in reality they’re just too kind to smack me hard across the face and say “WAKE UP YOU F****** IDIOT! THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE SO UNHAPPY IS BECAUSE YOU WON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY!” If someone REALLY cared, they would do exactly that.

I want to hear someone yell at me. Tell me how stupid I am - how stupid I’ve ALWAYS been. I want to feel the powerful sting of their hand colliding with my cheek. I want to. Call me a masochist or just a straight-up freak but right now that’s the only thing that could make me happy.

Pfft, look at me. Throwing the word “happy” around like I even know what it means to be happy. That just goes to show you how pathetic I really am.

The best thing for me right now would be to move out someplace far, far away from civilization where I can be completely alone like I should be and not have to worry about making other people sad and miserable with my unwanted existence. That certainly wouldn’t bring me happiness but it would at least bring me peace of mind.

I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon. Probably not for another several years, if ever, so for now I’m just going to shut myself off from the world and recede back into my empty shell. The one place in this world where I truly belong.

Sillyrabbit231: This is why I signed up for socialphobiaworld. When I get angry or depressed, I tell it to my family. Right now I'm staying with grandma. When I tell her something, she just say tell it to God or God is your friend which is kind of annoying because she is a religious fanatic. The only thing that makes me happy? Listen to music or read a book, kind of boring.