Yearning for connection?

[worrywort]

Does anybody else have this feeling in their chest sometimes? What do you do about it? Where does it come from?



EDIT: Further thoughts

I want to understand the nature of connection. What is this thing that draws human beings together? I'd like to know how people make sense of these desires. Do you follow them or do you suppress them?

Here's some more questions that some might find interesting to answer;

1] what was the deepest moment of connection you've ever felt with another person before?
2] If you had to spend the rest of your life with just one person you've met, past or present, who would it be?
3] Is our desire for connection a trustworthy one?
- i.e How much is the result of evolution? The romantic desires we feel when we see attractive people, are they not shallow and vain; evolutions way of getting us to procreate? And our desires to seek out like-minded individuals. Is this not a survival instinct, to be a part of a pack, as the isolated members get picked off more easily?
4] Is our desire for connection a corrupted one?
- i.e. Does the media send us false messages and expectations?
5] How much is enough connection?
- i.e The amount or depth of love/people/relationships we have. Is it possible to desire connection too much? What would you consider not enough connection?
6] do we have a duty to connect with others?
- i.e. Are we entitled to live like hermits, detached from the world, or do we have a duty to help others and love others a certain amount?
7] Does the desire for connection ever go away?
- i.e. perhaps after marriage or when you've found a special soulmate, or a group of special friends? Or perhaps if you suppress it or control it long enough?

Feel free to answer none, some or all. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

[Froggy246]

Hi Worrywort, honour to cross your path, albeit digitally... here's my thoughts on this one

Does anybody else have this feeling in their chest sometimes?
Yes, usually when I'm with people, or when I'm bored.

What do you do about it?
Well the other week I watched some youtube videos about a concept called Non Violent Communication and suddenly felt all inspired to go out there with these new tools to make connections with people, but I've not managed to try it yet, due to the usual initial restrictions I suppose.
Aside from the problem solution approach, I suppose you could try to prevent the problem from arising by avoiding opportunities for boredom and festering thoughts by doing things, things that are productive or of interest, or exploring the unknown, or facing ones fears.

Where does it come from?
Hmm....Human Nature, mixed in with unrealistic expectations (like from tv and movies).
It's possible that a trade off needs to be considered, for example certain people, who are thinkers or artists, may be less social than average and that might actually aid their work, but that's just speculation.

 

[Kiwong]

Yeah, I want to connect, I like to share the things I see, through my photography, and I am inspired by the work of others.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks Froggy and Kiwong

It's possible that a trade off needs to be considered, for example certain people, who are thinkers or artists, may be less social than average and that might actually aid their work, but that's just speculation.

Yea, that's true, different people require different levels of social interaction to feel content. I wonder whether it's possible to change that level. To actually train ourselves to need people less, like those Buddhists monks. Or perhaps needing others to a degree is a good thing.

Aside from the problem solution approach, I suppose you could try to prevent the problem from arising by avoiding opportunities for boredom and festering thoughts by doing things, things that are productive or of interest, or exploring the unknown, or facing ones fears.

That's good advice.

 

[Odo]

Does anybody else have this feeling in their chest sometimes? What do you do about it? Where does it come from?

Well, we're social animals so we're going to want to connect with each other or other animals. I tend to seek out other people in similar situations to my own, which is sort of why I came to this site in the first place.

Some of these questions are pretty personal, but I will answer some of them!

Is our desire for connection a trustworthy one?

I think so! You can fight who you are to some extent, but ultimately I think connecting with other people is natural. I guess people can be really superficial and I think that marketing/the mass media has an influence, but I also think that appearances only matter in the beginning, unless you're a horrible person. If someone only liked me because of the way I looked, I think that would make for a horrible relationship... I don't think they even like people in that case, they just like status or whatever.

Is our desire for connection a corrupted one?

I think there's a big problem with relationship advice articles and TV shows and things that want to teach you how to connect with the opposite sex or portray relationship success as a sort of template or formula. Some of them are so **** about what you should and shouldn't do that they're turning everything into a job/work where you need to extensively doubt and extensively obsess over yourself and what other people want. The real harm of this is that it obscures the reality that couples tend to create their own idiosyncratic realities and that a lot of people come together because the timing is right. I don't think it's about doing everything 'right' it's about finding what works between the two of you.

People shouldn't be afraid to run into problems, which is what happens... people want to spare themselves the pain of rejection so they close themselves off and try to solve these problems before they even run into them. It's better to find the solutions as you go along, instead of before anything happens.

How much is enough connection?

That depends on you and your partner. Some people like a lot of attention and some people don't.

do we have a duty to connect with others?

No.

Does the desire for connection ever go away?

No, I think people always want to connect. But it's possible to want to connect with just one person over and over.

 

[Opaline]

Very interesting thread and great questions

I think everyone experiences that feeling because humans are wired to seek connection with each other. It's worse, of course, for those who can't seem to connect with others very well.

My answers...

What was the deepest moment of connection you've ever felt with another person before?

Tough one. But if I had to pick in this moment, I think I would say that it was when I used to spend a lot of time with my cousin as a child. He was my best friend. I'd never gotten along with anyone so completely in terms of the way we saw the world, the interests we shared, the way we had fun together.

He's changed a lot since then (and so have I) so we don't have that connection any more.

If you had to spend the rest of your life with just one person you've met, past or present, who would it be?

You really know how to pick these, haha. Maaannnn... I think I would pick one of my former close friends from high school. She was truly an amazing person. It wouldn't be a romantic relationship, but I can't think of any romantic interests from the past or recently that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I'd settle for good female friendship.


Is our desire for connection a trustworthy one?
- i.e How much is the result of evolution? The romantic desires we feel when we see attractive people, are they not shallow and vain; evolutions way of getting us to procreate? And our desires to seek out like-minded individuals. Is this not a survival instinct, to be a part of a pack, as the isolated members get picked off more easily?


I do think it's all determined by evolution, but then everything we do is - we are driven by primitive instincts that serve to further our species. Does that make it less trustworthy? I honestly don't know. The idea of "trustworthiness" itself is just another concept that stems from these drives (a way to stay alive and therefore continue the species). In the end, we can try to be "above" our animal nature somehow, but we can't get away from it. Might as well just enjoy being attracted to others and go with it and forget about whether it's trustworthy or not (although pondering the reasons for attraction - romantic and platonic - is a worthwhile exercise; you might learn something).

Is our desire for connection a corrupted one?
- i.e. Does the media send us false messages and expectations?

Yes. I think, in Western society anyway - especially America - the message is to always be socializing and if you have any length of time where you are not with others or don't have plans made with others, you are a "loser". Which is simply ridiculous, considering our history. People sometimes want to be alone, and sometimes have no choice. I don't think we're meant to feel lonely the moment we find ourselves in a room without another human being.

How much is enough connection?
- i.e The amount or depth of love/people/relationships we have. Is it possible to desire connection too much? What would you consider not enough connection?

Not enough connection will vary by individual, with the more introverted needing much less than their extroverted counterparts. Some people never feel comfortable being alone, and that could be a handicap - maybe they can't face themselves and need constant outside stimulation to keep distracted. Some people are too needy and clingy, and that's not healthy. Being completely alone for long stretches of time, though, isn't healthy either.

Do we have a duty to connect with others?
- i.e. Are we entitled to live like hermits, detached from the world, or do we have a duty to help others and love others a certain amount?

No, I don't think we have a duty to connect with others. I think it makes a person feel better when he or she DOES connect with others successfully, but why should anyone feel obligated to interact with others? I suppose if we all kept to ourselves completely that wouldn't work either, but that's never going to happen; the minority of people who don't want to connect at all shouldn't have to.

Does the desire for connection ever go away?
- i.e. perhaps after marriage or when you've found a special soulmate, or a group of special friends? Or perhaps if you suppress it or control it long enough?

I believe that if you have a great romantic relationship and some good friends that you really connect well with, you won't desire any more connection. That doesn't mean you don't want to connect at all, necessarily, or that you can't, but you won't feel like you MUST to feel complete. I wouldn't know from experience, but that is my guess.

 

[goblin]

Looks like a bad case of "human being". I'm sorry to say that it's terminal.

Connection and contact is such a fundamental human need that there have been studies into the negative effects of touch deprivation in infants.

 

[DepravedFurball]

1] With my gf at the time, living down in New Zealand; after a nice, long round of epic love-making, sitting on our front stoop having a cig, with a blanket wrapped around us. No words were exchanged between us, and the cool night-time air was absolutely still. It was just a moment of complete serenity, and hopefully, a shared one at that.
2] Haven't met her yet, or if I have, then I don't know her well enough to say. And I do believe it would be a woman... 'cause I can't stand being around other guys for more than a couple of hours at a time. Pissing-contests just lose their appeal after that long.
3] I'd say our desire for a connection can't be trusted. We're still very much primal beasts at our core, and a temporary need to be connected with *someone* can outweigh our long-term commitments.

7] The desire to connect will never go away. Be it with friends, family, or just other random sentient life... it's always going to be there, and that's *probably* a healthy thing. Besides, if you truly wanted to be alone, you'd be out in a cabin deep in some remote mountain-chain, without electricity, the internet, or any form of entertainment... and what bloody fun would *that* be?

 

[Livemylife]

Nope; nothing; it's probably loneliness which probably exists to encourage you to find a mate and reproduce.

Can't answer those questions off top of my head. Don't think I've had deep connections with anyone. Certainly not specific instances.
Oh I see you've already mentioned procreation. I have no romantic desires. I search for like minded individuals because spending time with unlike folks is tiring. I do desire a family, but I don't think it has to do with a pack.

 

[Kiwong]

Contact with people can equal abuse and bullying, a cause of damage and mental health. I was perfectly happy until I went to high school. I wonder what studies into bullying and abuse say about contact with humans being a fundamental need?

Connection to me seems to be more of a necessity for survival, to make enough to eat and have a roof over your head, in an ever more dysfunctional world. Humans are losing touch with who they are, losing touch with nature, and becoming slaves to material possessions and status in this greedy shallow economic rational society.

Perhaps that is why so many people are depressed, even this simple connection is being denied them.

For many years I dreamed of having positive relationships with people. But they remained dreams, the reality was always pain and disappointment.

The more time I get to spend away from people that more peaceful I feel. Even happy.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks for all your answers everyone, there were some really good ones!

Well, we're social animals so we're going to want to connect with each other or other animals. I tend to seek out other people in similar situations to my own, which is sort of why I came to this site in the first place.

Thanks Odo, yea there's definitely something good about connecting with people that I wouldn't want to do away with. Finding others who feel the same as us is a really good thing and I'm not convinced it's simply due to our herd mentality of wanting to be a part of a pack. There's something more to it, but I'm not sure what exactly.

The idea of "trustworthiness" itself is just another concept that stems from these drives (a way to stay alive and therefore continue the species).

Very good point! How can we even be sure our truth discerning faculties are trustworthy and accurate when we're shaped by the beast of evolution that cares only about survival and furthering the species? But that's a whole other can of worms!!!

In the end, we can try to be "above" our animal nature somehow, but we can't get away from it.

The idea of rising "above" our primal drives and conditioning appeals to me a lot. I do feel like there's something about human beings that is able to transcend the material world. We can reflect on it and choose a different way. Thanks for your answers, they've really go me thinking!

3] I'd say our desire for a connection can't be trusted. We're still very much primal beasts at our core, and a temporary need to be connected with *someone* can outweigh our long-term commitments.

Yea I tend to think this way too.

Contact with people can equal abuse and bullying, a cause of damage and mental health. I was perfectly happy until I went to high school. I wonder what studies into bullying and abuse say about contact with humans being a fundamental need?

Yea good point, I was the same until secondary school too. I always have this sense that I ought to be socializing more.....but I don't fully trust it.

But thanks everyone. It's a really tough one, cause on the one hand our desires for connection can seem like they're just superficial primal drives; the result of millions of years of evolution, but on the other hand there's something so beautiful and powerful about the idea of love. Not just romantic love, but when people are kind to each other and accept each other and stand firm together. I just don't want to regret my choices to isolate myself when I'm older.

 

[theslowesthand]

Is our desire for connection a trustworthy one?
- i.e How much is the result of evolution? The romantic desires we feel when we see attractive people, are they not shallow and vain; evolutions way of getting us to procreate? And our desires to seek out like-minded individuals. Is this not a survival instinct, to be a part of a pack, as the isolated members get picked off more easily?

I do think it's all determined by evolution, but then everything we do is - we are driven by primitive instincts that serve to further our species

Yes, and specifically ..... the instinct for survival.

The primary human drive ‘to survive’ may be subdivided into eight domains:
1) Survival of one’s personal identity
2) Survival through sex and family <-- connection
3) Survival through group membership <-- connection
4) Survival through the human race
5) Survival through all forms of life on this planet
6) Survival through the physical universe
7) Survival through spiritual qualities, values and aesthetics
8) Survival through universal consciousness (Eastern view) or through the
mercy of God (Western view)

 

[hidwell]

IMO us humans are social creatures it is built into our DNA we crave the interest and love of others, to feel good about ourselves, to feel special and to belong. Unfortunately with SA and depression this makes it very difficult for people like me to accomplish these connections due to serious flaws in my personality.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks for your thoughts Odo, hidwell and theslowesthand.

I think my main problem is this; I feel I ought to be socializing more than I am, and I'm worried I'm going to regret my tendency to isolate myself later in life.

So I think the question I really want to know is; is this sense of oughtness trustworthy?

My mind is a clutter at the moment with for and against arguments, and I'm just trying to make some sense of it all. I suppose I should try answering some of my own questions.

5] How much is enough connection?

- At one extreme you have total isolation. For some people, like Zen Buddhist hermits, it can be a blissful thing, while for others it can drive them insane, which suggests maybe our attitude to our situation is what is important.​

- At the other extreme there are dangers. Having too many people in your life can be a distraction. Also yearning for connection can become an addiction and you can become perpetually greedy for more, instead of being grateful for what you have.​

- So what's the right amount? Robin Dunbar suggests 150 people is the most natural number a person can comfortably handle in their social circle. Currently I can count 33; 20 family, 8 work, 3 online friends and 2 offline friends. I'm pretty comfortable with this number, but I have a desire to find more like-minded people and I'm not sure whether it's greed, and I should be grateful and focus on the relationships I do have, or whether it's a legitimate calling of my heart that I should follow. My solution to this, so far, has been to practice both in balance. I start with gratitude for my current relationships and I make peace with the possibility my dreams of connection may never be fulfilled. But then I try to commit a small portion of my time to meeting new people and taking risks and getting out there a little, in the hopes that I might find what I'm looking for. But it's hard!​

4] Is our desire for connection a corrupted one?

- I sometimes feel that the media gives us false expectations. I have this vision of a perfect life, travelling the world in the best locations; LA, New York, London and Paris; hanging out with cool people, going on road trips with wild friends, going through deep meaningful stories and adventures with interesting people like you see in the movies. But isn't this unrealistic? I sometimes carry a sense that I'm missing out on life, but I wonder, perhaps the solution is to learn to see the beauty in our own situations, to be grateful for what we have, and to realise that for many our life is an enviable one.​

3] Is our desire for connection a trustworthy one?

- This is where my thoughts get a little more complicated. I find in myself all kinds of desires and impulses; for food when I'm hungry, for sleep when I'm tired, etc; and mostly they serve me well. But sometimes I override my desires. I decide that I know better. Like my partiality for sugary foods, I have to control it, I have to say no to that desire, because even though my body cries out for more, I believe it will do me more harm in the long run. So I don't fully trust every impulse inside me. I have to test it to check it really does have my best interests in mind.​

- Now one of the strongest desires I find in myself is to seek out an attractive woman, connect deeply and make love to her [excuse my frankness!]. But I don't trust the desire. It feels like a trick. [perhaps my own issues are interwoven in this too]. For starters I don't believe that attractiveness has anything to do with a person's moral worth, whether they're a decent human being of character, worth sharing your life with. So that's the first impulse I'm inclined to defy. But also the desire for sex feels excessive. If I were to let my desire run unrestrained I could happily have sex with thousands of women, but this would obviously be reckless and cause more harm than good. So I don't trust that impulse either. I'm not even entirely convinced that the desire to seek out like-minded people you can relate to is absolutely neccessary. If the benefit you receive is basically confirmation that you're not alone I don't see why you can't just have faith that it's most likely true in the first place. i.e. You don't have to find like-minded people to feel less alone, just trusting that they're out there can have the same effect.​

But this all feels incredibly heartless and I'm sure there's far more to human connection than that. I'm also aware that I have a major bias towards justifying my tendency to isolate myself, as I find socializing very upsetting and confusing.

 

[skins]

Contact with people can equal abuse and bullying, a cause of damage and mental health. I was perfectly happy until I went to high school. I wonder what studies into bullying and abuse say about contact with humans being a fundamental need?

Connection to me seems to be more of a necessity for survival, to make enough to eat and have a roof over your head, in an ever more dysfunctional world. Humans are losing touch with who they are, losing touch with nature, and becoming slaves to material possessions and status in this greedy shallow economic rational society.

Perhaps that is why so many people are depressed, even this simple connection is being denied them.

For many years I dreamed of having positive relationships with people. But they remained dreams, the reality was always pain and disappointment.

The more time I get to spend away from people that more peaceful I feel. Even happy.

quoted for future reference...this is extremely well said and sums it perfectly IMO awesome post:thumbup:

 

[Odo]

Hi worrywort,

Well, ultimately how you live your life is always going to be up to you. There is no 'right' answer. You can choose to content yourself with pretty much anything. I think you could probably even content yourself with some amazing ideas or thoughts if you stopped listening to people who tell you they're not important. A life spent deep in thought while doing the bare minimum to support yourself to me seems like less of a waste than working hard to get money to buy things simply because you think that's what you're supposed to do.

Of course, the external world is full of social pressures that are trying to get you to be a productive member of society, and on top of this there are TV commercials that want you to feel inferior/incomplete so you will buy things to fill the void. But if you know that this is what is happening, you can remove yourself from it and start to figure yourself out as a person.

I don't think that desiring sex or connection or any of that is wrong... it's probably not as hard to find as a lot of people want to make it. But I don't think it's always a matter of socializing more so much as putting yourself in the right place and then sticking around long enough for someone to come along... and then when you see an opportunity, take advantage. We always have a 'dream' version of our perfect mate... it doesn't mean that when you meet the real version you won't completely forget about the dream.

But as for the adventures, you can do that without giving your money to travel agencies/airlines/gas and oil companies. I have travelled to 15+ countries and I have seen a lot of things, but really, you can get the same basic effect from a really long walk, or by choosing a different route home... or just by paying closer attention to the weather or the trees or animals or people or whatever.

Life doesn't have to be about collecting experiences/things as much as perspectives or wisdom. You can evolve and grow even without experiences. Actually, sometimes you can have lots of experiences but be a horrible person-- Paris Hilton has probably done everything you want to do hundreds of times, but she's a disgusting waste of space.

What you don't want to do is give into negativity, cynicism, hatred, etc... keep your head clear, know who you are, and never turn your back on an opportunity, no matter how difficult.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks Odo, that's good advice. I think I tend to lean this way too. I've always liked this idea that the Zen Buddhist Hermits model so well, that if we master our thoughts and attitudes we can find contentment and peace in any situation, and that we don't have to travel far in life to experience all the basic fundamentals of existence. I may have never fought in a war, but I've known conflict; I may have never travelled the world, but I've known discovery; I may have never found a soulmate, but I've known connection and I've known love. So I think this is probably the best solution, to try to be grateful for the relationships that I do have, and make peace with that first, rather than guilt trip myself because my social life isn't quite what I feel it ought to be.

But I want to be careful not to close the door entirely. I still like people [sometimes!], and I'd like to keep devoting a little bit of energy to meeting new people and trying new things, cause love is a beautiful thing, I wouldn't want to shut myself off from it entirely. So I think that's what I'll do.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Does anybody else have this feeling in their chest sometimes? What do you do about it? Where does it come from?

Maybe. Depends. Instinct.

EDIT: Further thoughts

I want to understand the nature of connection. What is this thing that draws human beings together? I'd like to know how people make sense of these desires. Do you follow them or do you suppress them?

Instinct. Depends.

1] what was the deepest moment of connection you've ever felt with another person before?
2] If you had to spend the rest of your life with just one person you've met, past or present, who would it be?
3] Is our desire for connection a trustworthy one?
- i.e How much is the result of evolution? The romantic desires we feel when we see attractive people, are they not shallow and vain; evolutions way of getting us to procreate? And our desires to seek out like-minded individuals. Is this not a survival instinct, to be a part of a pack, as the isolated members get picked off more easily?
4] Is our desire for connection a corrupted one?
- i.e. Does the media send us false messages and expectations?
5] How much is enough connection?
- i.e The amount or depth of love/people/relationships we have. Is it possible to desire connection too much? What would you consider not enough connection?
6] do we have a duty to connect with others?
- i.e. Are we entitled to live like hermits, detached from the world, or do we have a duty to help others and love others a certain amount?
7] Does the desire for connection ever go away?
- i.e. perhaps after marriage or when you've found a special soulmate, or a group of special friends? Or perhaps if you suppress it or control it long enough?

Feel free to answer none, some or all. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

1]Deepest? That's a bit vague. I've had intense intellectual, sexual, and various other moments with others.
2]Do my cats count as people? Probably Fatbutt in that case.
3]This question is based on flawed assumptions and therefor moot. All that you feel is based on evolution. "Romantic" desires have nothing to do with vanity. The word "shallow" is a human invention. The desire to reproduce is basic; fundamental. To call it "shallow" is to misunderstand it. In addition, the human desire to connect sexually is not just about reproduction. Depending on what you mean, the desire to seek out like-minded individuals is partially a pack behavior.
4]Depends on what you mean. Yes.
5]Depends. Question is too vague.
6]No.
7]No.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks Nathaniel for your thoughts

All that you feel is based on evolution.

But don't you feel like there's a part of you that chooses between desires? For example, if you hear a cry for help from a man in danger you'll probably feel two desires; one to help and the other to keep out of danger and run away. But there's a third thing that tells you that you ought to help and surpress the feeling to run away, even if the desire to run is the stronger of the two impulses. How can the thing that tells you whether to encourage or surpress an instinct be another instinct itself?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

But don't you feel like there's a part of you that chooses between desires? For example, if you hear a cry for help from a man in danger you'll probably feel two desires; one to help and the other to keep out of danger and run away. But there's a third thing that tells you that you ought to help and surpress the feeling to run away, even if the desire to run is the stronger of the two impulses. How can the thing that tells you whether to encourage or surpress an instinct be another instinct itself?

Eh? I'm only seeing 2 things listed, not 3. I'm still on my 1st cup of morning coffee but I've read it several times now. Desire to help versus run away.

Our instinctive desires are in conflict with each other to some degree on a daily basis, as well as conflicting with our learned behaviors. Quite a lot of our learned behavior is about suppressing our instincts. Even if it's just "I need to pee right now" against "That should wait until i walk over to that toilet there".