"women of low virtue"

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

In answer to your question, da_illest101, the person who 'came up with it' is cited in the link she gave.

It sure is easy to judge other people online. There's a good line in the Bible about that. Something about throwing stones. She didn't say this was a good or healthy thing (quite the opposite), nor did she say that everyone or even most people with avpd did this.

The why of it is understandable enough. With me it manifests primarily in a long history of running away from or otherwise finding a way to screw up relationships. Even potential relationships. Once I even emotionally invested in a self-proclaimed lesbian friend of mine because I thought that was 'safe'. Then things got sexual and complicated and eventually went to hell. To me, people online are 'safer' than in person, too.

 

[MrJones]

it makes perfect sense to me that people with AvPD or social anxiety would avoid relationships by becoming attracted to people that they can't have

for the other party to be in another relationship is only one example of this

think about how many post and/or threads there are on this forum where people demonstrate this phenomenon in different ways

crushes on fictitious characters
crushes on celebrities
crushes on people they meet on the internet
unable to approach members of the opposite sex
attracted to women they assume are too good for them
attracted to men they assume will mistreat them

all symptoms of the same thing

we're afraid of being hurt

so we create reasons to prevent that from happening

^I used to be like that (except fictional characters or celebrities) and I don't know if it was because I was avoidant, but I took the courage to approach the girl, the one I met on the internet, the one I knew will reject me and the one I knew was too good for me.

So if you want to avoid a relationship you better have a crush on a fictional character or something, because you can try everything else (though of course there's the possibility of being hurt).

 

[coyote]

it's becoming clearer to me now what the reason is for so many guys to have such a negative attitude towards women

perhaps it's safer to avoid having a relationship by proclaiming women not to be worth the trouble in the first place

 

[NeedNewAlphabet]

Attraction to somebody already taken doesn't equal low morals. It equals another way to avoid a deep relationship. It's one of those things that goes with aspects of Borderline. There's a bit of spillover sometimes.

Acting on an attraction to somebody who's married is usually a moral mistake, but that isn't the same thing as having low morals either.

Somebody who really does have low morals doesn't know it, or at least doesn't worry about it. It might even be that you have unnecessary guilt feelings about being normal. Maybe probably. But that's something you have to decide.

Stop kicking yourself. That's what we have parents for. Don't listen to them either. I'd bet dollars to donuts they got it all wrong anyway.

 

[jaim38]

crushes on fictitious characters
crushes on celebrities
crushes on people they meet on the internet
unable to approach members of the opposite sex
attracted to women they assume are too good for them
attracted to men they assume will mistreat them

all symptoms of the same thing

we're afraid of being hurt

so we create reasons to prevent that from happening

So if you want to avoid a relationship you better have a crush on a fictional character or something, because you can try everything else (though of course there's the possibility of being hurt).

I agree with the above. I have avpd and over the past few years, I've had crushes on fictional characters that don't exist in real life. It's safer than having a real relationship, which I know I'm not ready for anytime soon. Plus I haven't met anyone I'm seriously interested in or attracted to, yet.

But I will never cheat with a married man, ever. It's just wrong. Think about the effects this will have on not just their wives but also their kids.

 

[mismeek]

I think its a safety mechanism, you date an available guy then you run the risk of becoming vulnerable and open to him and if he dumps you, you'll be crushed. But if you date an unavailable you, you already know its going to end badly, so you dont have to get your hopes up. does that make sense?

 

[WishingICould]

I think its a safety mechanism, you date an available guy then you run the risk of becoming vulnerable and open to him and if he dumps you, you'll be crushed. But if you date an unavailable you, you already know its going to end badly, so you dont have to get your hopes up. does that make sense?

I guess that makes sense. I sort of got involved with a guy who was already taken and convinced myself i was in love with him. I think if he ever actually did suddenly say he was in love with me and was single i wouldn't want to be with him. It's pretty messed up. I guess it's safe because you never have to put yourself out there and be in a real relationship.

Emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable.

 

[Kiwong]

I haven't formed any relationships in my life due to a fear of people. I can barely talk to anyone on days when my anxiety is bad. I invest most of my energy into surviving and not feeling so much as a failed experiment as a human being in simple everyday interactions. Attraction is the furthest thing from my mind, be they taken or not, male or female.

 

[cowboyup]

Well, just be careful - coming from umm...experience. Bad decisions on my part.

'nuff said

I've thought and thought about why I did what I did. I've cried, beat myself up, you name it - even therapy. But one of the things my therapist had pointed out was that it was possibly because it looked and felt safe for me - I already knew he was taken and therefore no (real) chance of him leaving but like I could still have my cake and eat it too.

But of course the 'having your cake and eat it too' also refers to him as well, if ya think about it.

So, perhaps it is something that feels and looks safe and you know there are no real commitments; hope this makes sense.