Why keep on going?

[Ome]

Right now, close to midnight in May 8th, 2013, I've lost any desire to wake up tomorrow. I feel alone in my little world. There's no one that can stand me or help me anymore; not even my psychologist. I've been hurt all my life by the people I least expected it from, and I'm tied to them forever. Tons of people around me like mediocrity, ignorance and can't stand personalities that differ from theirs.

Today I had enough of it, and I'm very close to end it by pouring something into something else.

I'm young, I should point out, I'm 17, and still living with my parents.

My mother has been close-minded, incredibly religious and intolerant since I was born. She heavily believed that physical punishment was the best way to educate a child, and I've been hit in a lot of ways since age 2. Not to mention the occasional "I wish I could just punch you to death and then run away from home", and "You are a useless piece of **** that can't do anything right"; among others. My mother doesn't believe I could have a mental ailment (OCD) because she doesn't believe in psychological diseases, and she insults me and calls me a "little pussy" every time I can't control my thoughts (illnesses, intrusive thoughts, a feeling of people watching and judging my every move, etc.) or social anxiety.

She's told me that she can't see any improvement in me since I started going with my shrink (even though I've only had 4 sessions every 2 weeks, and she's never been to one; she doesn't know the process of it all), and she'll stop paying for it. I'll have to get a job and somehow do that and school at the same time (I might figure it out if I don't do anything harmful today).

My father will support any decision or statement she makes without thinking it twice. I don't know why. He's never really home because of his job either way, he's not relevant to my life emotionally.

My school is heavy, and it really takes a lot of emotional effort and will power to get through it each day. I have to work in teams with people that don't like school, and so, they won't do anything and I'll have to sacrifice some sleep to get stuff done. I need a minimum score of B+ to pass to the next year and keep my scholarship (50%).

I'm sleep deprived every day.

I have no close friendships, and I fear on ruining the few less personal ones I have by making them my shoulder to cry on. I think people are fed up with my complaining. I feel like an outcast because I have little to nothing in common with my peers, and people often remark the fact that I don't have many friends and I'm introverted overall, saying it is negative and harmful, and forcing me into interacting with people I have no desire to have contact with.

Looking back to the decisions I've made, the ideas I had, and my past emotions make me feel sick. I loathe myself for all of that, and all my achievements have been empty and useless. I've been stupid, cheesy, ignorant, arrogant, and a "pussy" all throughout my life. My mother's voice follows me everywhere and judges my every move. I follow myself like a bully, insulting my body and personality non-stop.

I live in a **** country: Mexico. High crime rates, high informal job rates, low education levels, low reading rates. Ignorance and poorness is everywhere, and the government keeps us submitted that way.

I have no future. I don't know what I'd like to do, and the few things I've shown interest in are looked down upon my mother (like graphic design). Saying she wants me to make a lot of money (so I can give her some later) and choose something less "gay" and "vague".

I'm tied to her economically and emotionally, to my awful education system, and my country.

I can't handle it anymore, I want to end it all. I hope my mother suffers the rest of her life knowing she was the main culprit in this; I'll take her to hell with me.

This sounds incredibly twisted, re-reading it, but I really feel that.

I'll think about this a bit more... see if there's any way around it. But so far, I'm inclined to do it.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

You can live to prove to everyone that you can make it and to prove to your mother and father that you are not what they say you are. Because you're not weak or a "pussy". You're strong for making it this far. If you can make it this far, then I know you can make it to the end.

If you're tied to your mother financially, then you're going to have to break away from her. You're going to need to get a job, it's going to be hard and it's going to test your limits, but this is a means to an end (your independence). Save up some money and move elsewhere, maybe even out of the country.

So please don't give up just yet. If you need a friend, we're here; you can talk to us. Maybe someone here has a concrete answer to your dilemma. Just please don't kill yourself.

 

[Diend]

It sounds like you are going through a burnout phase. Time to take control and make some changes honey. More assertive. Take less bull**** from people. I mean, I don't think you will be keeping your scholarship. It's either do or die, but you want to die. Shrug* I think if you choose to stay alive, you should do some yoga and relax and heal your body. Don't be sleep deprived. It makes things worse. Eat right. Eat Chipotle Mexican Grill. No fast food. Run 30 minutes a day and stretch your body and buy a wooden massage pillow.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm sorry you're going through all that. :: Our parents are our most influential people in our lives, for better or worse.

 

[Lea]

I know how you feel, this is a sh**ty situation to be in, to say it mildly.

 

[Kiwong]

because there is a long way to go, and I might see a blue wren tomorrow.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

You can live to prove to everyone that you can make it and to prove to your mother and father that you are not what they say you are.

I agree with the rest of DeadManWalking's post, but I think trying to prove anything to anyone is a bad idea. Prove it to yourself. It seems your mother will never be happy with who you are unless SHE changes. Your situation is similar to the one I was in when I was your age (10 years ago). You need to realize that your low self esteem comes from your mother, and not from what you are (you think you are worthless because you grew up being told so, not because you are). Now find something to focus on (what you want to do with your life), try to put up with your mother's insults like you put up with any other annoyance of life, and put all your energy on that goal of yours (graphic design is a GREAT idea), and most of all, try to find a way to move out as soon as possible.

 

[daisydaydreamz]

Ome... DO NOT do anything to harm yourself. Life is precious and YOU are precious. I was amazed in reading your post to learn you are just 17, as you have the insight and wisdom of somebody much older. Your mother is toxic! There are sadly lots of people like her in this world who take great delight in spreading poison and bringing people, GOOD people like yourself down. Your father is clearly very weak just to sit by and let this happen. You are cut from different cloth, you must get away from her influence as soon as possible and surround yourself with positive people who will support and encourage you.

I understand that right now you are living under her roof and dependent on her financially so what I suggest is this... Imagine you have an invisible forcefield surrounding you. It is strong and like a suit of armour. Every time your mother says something insulting to you, picture a flimsy little arrow glancing off your ''armour'' and falling to the floor. Do not let her words through where they can hurt you, just let them all bounce off!

Be strong! Be brave! Be kind to yourself! Good luck Sweetie x

 

[vj288]

Don't worry, things are going to get better, you're not trapped liked it feels like. In less than a year you're going to be 18 in which your parents will have a lot less control over you. I assume you're in high school right now, are you planning on going to college after you graduate? If so colleges a lot of colleges offer free counselling services, that are provided with the tuition. That way you can go without having to depend on your mom, or even tell her about it. And at school you're more likely to find A) people who want to be there and B) like-minded individuals who would support your desire to be a graphic designer. And you can always go away for school if it's possible, and get away from your parents.

Whatever you do I think cutting ties with your parents is a good idea. Not completely, but enough so that they don't have control of your life. YOU have control of your life, and what you want is what matters not them. Just give it some time, things can get better.

 

[laure15]

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up yet. I agree with the others that you should move out soon. You could wait until you finished college to move out, or wait until you find a roommate to move out. Moving out right now without a job and living alone is expensive.

There's nothing wrong with being introverted. Your peers were being close-minded in saying that there is. Once you go to college, you will meet more diverse people, including introverted people. Join a group or club that you fit in with.

 

[spw_01]

Maybe I shouldn't be replying since I have nothing positive to add. With little word changing, Ome, I could of written your story. I've felt like that at your age and I still do at almost, 49. There were some good moments in between, the best thing that has happen to me is my 3 children, my blessings, my angels. Yet, now, I'm back to my original feelings and like you, just don't want to wake up in the morning. My children keep me going and it is tough to make it through the day when they are not with me. Sorry to the positive people's posts. I'm proof that no matter how hard you try, you still end up in the abyss of depression. Just, please, Ome, don't hurt yourself.

 

[Ome]

I've read all your posts. I must say it's sort of heart-warming knowing that there's people who care a bit about how you feel without spitting non-sense like "You're just having a bad day, cheer up!".

I decided not to do anything and go to a school party because my school was pestering me about going (the school counselor knows about my social anxiety). I played a bit and I guess my mind got distracted during the games, but I couldn't stop looking at the pool and imagining... well, you know. I would've rather stayed home so that I didn't have to please anyone by acting normal and "happy". Inconsistently, I didn't want to go back because I knew I had to see my mother again; I got into a big argument with her again yesterday, and it ended with me being called "antisocial" and a "pussy", yet again. I just wish she could at least imagine that I could be depressed or have OCD, at least so she grows a little bit empathetic about it and stops harming me as much.

I've found myself inexplicably making up symptoms of relatively inoffensive illnesses with her for a while now. She has to give me medicine and take some care of me, I'm not sure if I'm doing this unconsciously to get sympathy from her, but I really want to stop doing that.

I'm going to go to sleep, I'm going to go looking for a job tomorrow so I can pay my mother the sessions she's payed me and keep commissioning them myself.

See you.