Why are some guys total doormats?

A friend

Well-known member
#1
I've noticed that my dad is totally devoid of all boundaries when it comes to women.

He lets my sister and his current wife walk all over him, buys them whatever they ask for (no matter how expensive), does literally everything they ask him to do (regardless of how unethical or unrealistic), allows them to be really nasty to him, and gets dramatically upset when they make any sort of derogatory comment, even if it's slightly offensive. Why is this?

I'm nothing of the sort when it comes to women, but my dad is a complete wimp to them. Why is this the case?

Why is it that many of today's men cave in to women and allow the ladies to dominate them? It's as if these women are the men, and those men are the women.

Edit: (My dad is only this way with women, not males)
 
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Zod

Well-known member
#2
I think traditional gender roles have become a bit blurry. Men and women are both capable of taking the upperhand in relationships, it doesn't have much to do with conditioned gender roles anymore, more with personality.
 
#3
My dad is like this.

It's pretty much why he used to beat the shit out of me while my mom and my sister just watched and didn't understand because they thought that it was a guy thing or something.

Different generations have different ideas about what women should be and how men should treat them, and women have different ideas about what they should be and how they should be treated as well as what they should do with themselves.

The older generation thought that women needed to be protected and provided for… the measure of a man was going out and earning money to provide for his wife and children, while the woman controlled the house and spent the money on 'responsible' things. The men from this generation were told that they were stronger and more responsible, which is why some men have this 'protective' instinct when it comes to women… who were also seen as less accountable, less able to defend themselves, and less likely to pose a threat. It also means if a man gets beaten up by a woman, he is a joke. If he fights back, he is a monster who enjoys abusing women. If he calls someone else to help him, he is a weakling. So there's really no course of action here… it's also why for some men, no matter how horrible it makes them feel, abuse from women does not actually equal abuse.

Our generation expects (well, should expect) women to be able to take care of themselves, and women have picked up on this so they're more confident, which also makes them more likely to abuse others… and eventually we're going to get to the point where we all realize that some women ARE actually really abusive and not only do they not deserve protection, they also need to be held more accountable for their actions.
 
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MikeyC

Well-known member
#6
It's as if these women are the men, and those men are the women.
Maybe I've read too much into this sentence, but you assume that women are supposed to be subservient. Not the case - well, not in this day and age. :)

I would put it down to a lack of confidence in your dad to allow the women of the family to take advantage of his nature. Perhaps you could ask him why he allows their behaviour to continue when all it's going to do is undermine his confidence even more.
 

Zod

Well-known member
#7
I really don't know what you mean by this, but I definitely don't think that misogyny is any kind of answer. I just mean that everything that happens comes with its own set of problems.
It's from Married with children, a comedy show. I didn't mean anything by it, just thought it was funny to post.
 

S_Spartan

Well-known member
#8
and eventually we're going to get to the point where we all realize that some women ARE actually really abusive and not only do they not deserve protection, they also need to be held more accountable for their actions.
I see more and more women criminals on the local news.
 

Flanscho

Well-known member
#12
Well, first: most men get raised in the way that they are not supposed to ever harm a woman. But there are a lot of women, who get raised in a way that tells them that if they harm a man, they are "strong". That leads to quite a number of cases, where women in relationships become physically and verbal abusive, knowing that, while most men are stronger, they have been trained not to harm them. So they can lash out as much as they want.

That's also combined with the outdated gender roles in general. Like, what's a man supposed to do who gets abused this way. Strike back? She'll immediately go to the police and he'll go to jail. Go to the police? Most such cases get ignored, or the woman is told "don't do that" and that's it. That is, if the man is not just mocked at, for being abused by a woman.

I'm a bit confused that you seem to be ok with the behavior of your sister and mother. I think that they're the ones who behave incorrectly, and you shouldn't mock or insult your father, but rather wonder what went wrong with your mother and sister, that they have no respect, don't know how to behave, and don't mind harming someone they are supposed to love.

I can only shake my head in confusion when some people say it's ok for women to behave in such abusive ways. When a man strikes back, he is a wife beater. When he doesn't, he is a wimp. When a woman abuses she is "strong" and "powerful". When she doesn't, she is feminine and cute. No matter what you do, as guy, it's wrong. No matter what a woman does in such a situation, people seem to think it's right. Sexism at its finest.
 
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#13
I'm a bit confused that you seem to be ok with the behavior of your sister and mother. I think that they're the ones who behave incorrectly, and you shouldn't mock or insult your father, but rather wonder what went wrong with your mother and sister, that they have no respect, don't know how to behave, and don't mind harming someone they are supposed to love.
I completely agree… OP is blaming the victim.
Of course, this is probably because of the whole 'men can't be victims' thing.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
#15
The reality is that for the most part, people need to have respect for themselves in order to get respect from others. The people who let themselves be treated like doormats don't grasp this. They seem to think that by catering to every whim of another at their own expense, they will earn respect, sadly, it is just the opposite.
I have seen this happen to me all too often. :sad:

Joule is 100% right. Respect yourself and who you are and what you stand for. That will show others that you have your own opinions and ideas and, furthermore, independence and character.
 
#16
I think traditional gender roles have become a bit blurry. Men and women are both capable of taking the upperhand in relationships, it doesn't have much to do with conditioned gender roles anymore, more with personality.
Yeah, that. I think some people are just prone to letting people walk all over them. Perhaps they're afraid of what might happen if they stand up and say firmly say no, I can't say.
 

A friend

Well-known member
#17
Clarification time;

there are a lot of women, who get raised in a way that tells them that if they harm a man, they are "strong".
Idiotic ideology.

That's also combined with the outdated gender roles in general. Like, what's a man supposed to do who gets abused this way. Strike back? She'll immediately go to the police and he'll go to jail. Go to the police? Most such cases get ignored, or the woman is told "don't do that" and that's it. That is, if the man is not just mocked at, for being abused by a woman.
He could just leave.

I'm a bit confused that you seem to be ok with the behavior of your sister and mother.
Incorrect, I'm absolutely disgusted at this behavior. My dad is the one who's okay with it, and every time I discuss this with him, he says it's perfectly normal and they have every right to behave that way.

I know he's my dad but he can be such a ****ing chicken-s*it loser it's not even funny.

I think that they're the ones who behave incorrectly,
Yep.

and you shouldn't mock or insult your father,
Okay, first of all, if anything I'm going far too easy on him. He deserves to be mocked and insulted because he won't put his foot down and say "ENOUGH!" even though he's perfectly capable.

He can easily say no and put them in their places, and refuse to let them walk all over them. He is in control, he is in charge, he has a choice.

He is the ultimate villain in this situation for that reason, because my sister and step-mother are nothing without his compliance. If he says no, they won't do shit. They'll be the ones kissing his rear if he says so.

but rather wonder what went wrong with your mother and sister, that they have no respect, don't know how to behave, and don't mind harming someone they are supposed to love.
I already know what's wrong with those two scumbags. They were spoiled when they were little, and my dad continues to spoil them, therefore making them more unethical than ever.

Spoiling someone turns them evil, and erases their capability to respect, behave, and turns them purely sadistic (which is why they harm someone they're supposed to love). That, and it also terminates their ability to love.

I can only shake my head in confusion when some people say it's ok for women to behave in such abusive ways. When a man strikes back, he is a wife beater. When he doesn't, he is a wimp. When a woman abuses she is "strong" and "powerful". When she doesn't, she is feminine and cute. No matter what you do, as guy, it's wrong. No matter what a woman does in such a situation, people seem to think it's right. Sexism at its finest.
I got no resentment towards my own gender, I'm just saying it's irritating that guys cower in fear towards a woman's derogatory comments.



I completely agree… OP is blaming the victim.
Of course, this is probably because of the whole 'men can't be victims' thing.
Incorrect, he's the villain because he can go ahead and say no and tell them to stop. If he does that, they'll cease the behavior instantly. He's not a victim if he can effortlessly do something about it.

They can't do these terrible things if he doesn't let them. Like I said, they're powerless if he says so.
 
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#18
I don't know why some men are doormats but I think I've become one because of the fact that everytime I spoke up as a child I got a smack in the face. Eventually I stopped speaking up for myself and it carried on throughout my life. Consciously I know not everyone will hit me for speaking my mind but subconsciously I must still think so. That's my theory anyhow.
 
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