When to Accept That a Friendship Just Isn't Working Out

[Rookiebatman]

I've always been pretty introverted, so I've always been the type to have just a few close friends (quality over quantity, as it were), but what I've noticed in more recent years is that even in purely platonic friendships, I'm always the one making the advances. Like, when I would see friends at work, or school or church (back when I was attending either of those regularly), they would seem happy to see me, but there have been practically no friends I ever had who would call me up at other times and invite me to hang out with them. So if I was interested in developing a friendship further, it would always be me who was asking, and even though a lot of the time they'd seem happy to do it, it also seemed to me like a meaningful disparity. If they're NEVER the ones to call me up and suggest hanging out, then how important can my friendship really be to them? It's like I'm always "out of sight, out of mind." They like me when I'm standing there in front of them, but as soon as I'm gone, I drop off their radar.

I had these two friends at work, they're a couple who both work in the same department as I was in, and we interacted a lot on the job and really hit it off, so I eventually invited them to lunch one time, and we started doing stuff outside of work occasionally (they're that type of easygoing couple where you don't so much mind being the third wheel, and they didn't seem to mind it either). But a lot of the time, when I'd suggest doing something over the weekend, he'd say "yeah, that sounds good, I'll call you," and then he wouldn't call, and on Monday, he'd have some excuse about how busy the weekend was. And yet, they still seemed really happy to see me at work, and we did get together away from work occasionally. So it doesn't seem like they were just avoiding me and making excuses, it seems more like they just didn't care enough about spending time with me to make their schedules accommodate me (in essence, they like me, but not enough to make me a priority some of the time).

I can kind of understand and appreciate that, so I never really pushed too hard about it. I just enjoyed the light socializing that we'd have there at work, and didn't try to make much of it. But the problem now is that I left that job (the reasons why are another story), so I don't just see them as a matter of course every day. They expressed the usual interest in keeping in touch, but even so, I had to call them up again and suggest it before we ever hung out again. Since then, I've seen them a few more times, and they seemed to be enjoying themselves, but each time, it was me who initiated. Now I'm getting to the point where I feel like if I text them and say "hey, you want to hang out again," when the phone has been dead silent for weeks from their end, then I kinda feel like I'm just begging. Do I need to accept that they're just not that into me and stop being a nuisance to them, or do I need to push through their apathy and continue to cultivate this friendship?

Similarly, there was another girl at work with whom I got on pretty well; her son has Aspergers, so she understood me a bit better than most people. She's somewhat older than me, so I think there was never much of a romantic vibe, but not so old that it would be weird for us to spend time together. When I left, she also expressed interest in keeping in touch, and so we had lunch a few weeks later, and then we ended up going to do karaoke together, because that was something I wanted to try, but couldn't with my work schedule. Anyway, that seemed to go pretty well, and so we talked about going to a comedy club, but that fell through, but we ended up having lunch again, and we discussed going bowling. She seemed to be genuinely interested in this, but the last few times I've texted her (either about bowling or just general chat), she hasn't replied at all. We had tentatively planned a weekend to bowl, so a few days before that, I texted her and asked "you still feel like bowling this weekend?" because I knew she'd been really busy lately, so she might not have time. I didn't hear back from her, and the weekend we had been planning to do it came and went without her ever sending me any response.

It seems like, as much as we discussed and planned that, it would be significant enough that she wouldn't just forget about it, so there must be a bigger reason that she couldn't be bothered to text back at all. Either she's way too busy, or she's lost interest in spending time with me, or some other complication. Either way, I don't want to just keep texting her seemingly casual messages to see if she'll reply, but I also don't want to do the whole "is there something wrong?" thing, because I already did that when she went silent once before, and I feel like there's only so many times you can do that before the other person just gets really tired of warding off your constant neuroses. Plus, the last time, when I asked if something was wrong after sending her three texts over the course of two or three weeks and not hearing back from her, she just texted back and said she had been too busy. I feel like that says a lot, that as quick as it is to send a text, she felt too busy to bother replying to me, even though she has some understanding of social anxiety and how that might effect me. If she can't even find the time in her busy day to send me a quick text, how could I ever expect her to find the time to actually hang out with me?

So once again, as with the couple, the question is whether I should push through the apathy to try to cultivate this relationship, or just accept that she doesn't really seem to be interested in putting me even in the middle of her priority list, so maybe I just need to let this one go.

But again, this is the way pretty much all of my friends have ever treated me, so if I always just let this one go when it turns out this way, how will I ever have any meaningful relationships (assuming the trend continues, and future relationships go the same way)? But on the other hand, if I force my way through the apathy and initiate all the interactions myself, how can I ever feel like their friendship is genuine, and they aren't just going along with it to be polite (since the fact that they're really nice people who don't want to hurt my feelings doesn't mean that they actively want to spend time with me)?

This is a constant problem I've had throughout my life, but I feel like it's come to a head now because since I don't currently go to work, school, or church, there aren't any situations where I'm interacting with friends just in the normal flow of things, so if I can't find ways to maintain friendships "off the schedule," then I simply won't have any friendships. But I also don't want friendships that are just based on me nagging them into spending time with me in a perfunctory way. There just doesn't seem to be any middle ground, though.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions or experience with that type of situation, I would love to hear it.

 

[jaim38]

I don't work at this moment so don't generate money. It's hard to keep friendships this way because you need money to go to movies with your friends, eat at restaurants, go t theme parks, hang out at the malls, etc. I feel bad every time a friend pays for me. I also feel bad asking my dad for money just so I can hang out with my friends. My biggest fear is becoming a leech, where I basically take advantage of other people's resources but don't have anything valuable to contribute in return. So right now my friendships are at a standstill. I want to continue the friendships but don't feel comfortable asking people for money.

 

[Rookiebatman]

Okay, maybe my original post was a little too dense. The short version is, I have some friends who seem happy to spend time with me whenever I'm there in front of them, but they don't over call me up to suggest getting together; I always have to be the one to initiate it. Should I take this as an indication that they don't really want to spend time with me, or should I push through their apathy and continue trying to connect with them?

 

[jaim38]

Should I take this as an indication that they don't really want to spend time with me, or should I push through their apathy and continue trying to connect with them?

Probably not. But it really depends on the situation. I had a close childhood friend who doesn't seem inclined to keep in touch with me probably because she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around me and my family. In the past, I was kind of mean and immature to her, plus my brother had bullied her. After we moved, my mom and I had to initiate contact with her, and she puts on a smiley face everytime we hung out, but I could still tell she tries to keep me at a distance. That's understandable, given what has happened in the past. I'm not going to try to force her to be my friend again.

To answer your question, if you are interested in keeping in touch, you could try connecting but don't force those friends to hang out with you. If they don't respond to your attempts, then just leave it there and move on, find other friends.

 

[Lou-s-Darkness]

I've had that problem since I was a child. I try to push people into doing things with me sometimes (back when I had friends) but they would find excuses and all that. In some of my classes there are people I was able to get close-ish to and they seem to really enjoy my presence...but they don't want to hang out with me outside of college and classes/lunch breaks. In the end I got sick of always trying and having people bail out. It just confuses the hell out of me. So here I am currently friendless, alone and at home annoying my family to no end because of my pathetic social skills. I would say maybe give them some space, because if you're the one constantly initiating things then with time it would seem like you are desperate (even though you aren't) that's the idea they might get. There was a time when I was actually desperate because I was sick of fallouts between me and others and the constant loneliness, but then I just told myself to wait for the right person/people when the time is right. It's not easy, but I can't find another way...if I found one I would happily share it with you.

I hope I was able to help a little, I don't mean to brag about my life lol, just sharing experience here. Waiting doesn't mean giving up, it's just a question of patience and good timing. Best of luck! :]

 

[neardeath]

I don't know how to respond to your question because I am having problems with newer relationships and don't know what to do. Each situation is different. I am baffled by my own and can't see yours clearly without being you. Wish I could help. It sure is hard. No wonder we have the social anxiety. I keep trying, too, and it doesn't work out. Stick with the winners, I guess? Best wishes and hope others can provide some feedback.

 

[Tamara89]

I have been going through the same thing all my life. I've now given up on the idea of making friends. If one comes along and makes an effort to want to talk to me or hang out with me ill reciprocate. Otherwise it was always me that had to organise something or go pick them up etc. Not doing that anymore! I think the biggest problem is me though. I think I give off a vibe that I'm not interested at all in having friends when in fact I'm lonely. I would like to change that about me. Sorry I didn't give advice but I'm sure it makes you feel better knowing most of us go through the same thing

 

[rosewood]

are your friends the least bit shy at all?

all of my friends that I have ever made, have initiated contact first to me, and were the ones mostly to maintain contact through phone and email. I have a huge fear of picking up the phone and calling or sending off an email to initiate.

when I interact with people, most cant tell unless I tell them that I have social phobia. so it is a complete mystery to them as to why I don't communicate that way. I love the contact from them though, and I am still working on how to initiate.

if they aren't shy, then maybe it would be better to let them slide off to the side and focus on people who can make a better response to your invites.

good luck with this...

 

[Rookiebatman]

are your friends the least bit shy at all?

all of my friends that I have ever made, have initiated contact first to me, and were the ones mostly to maintain contact through phone and email. I have a huge fear of picking up the phone and calling or sending off an email to initiate.

when I interact with people, most cant tell unless I tell them that I have social phobia. so it is a complete mystery to them as to why I don't communicate that way. I love the contact from them though, and I am still working on how to initiate.

if they aren't shy, then maybe it would be better to let them slide off to the side and focus on people who can make a better response to your invites.

good luck with this...

No, they're really not shy at all, they're actually quite outgoing. In fact, I kinda feel like that's part of the reason they're not in a big hurry to spend time with me, is that they have an easy enough time making friends that they have plenty of other people to spend time with. Their dance card is always full, so to speak.

I don't know if I'd call it a "huge fear," but I definitely feel some sort of anxiety about making phone calls or sending invitations (probably because it usually turns out like this). That's part of the reason that I don't want to always be the one initiating, but I also don't want to feel like they're not really interested, and are just putting up with me to be polite or because they feel sorry for me (which seems like a pretty reasonable deduction if they're never calling me up to hang out).

 

[R3K]

i call this the "brush-off" treatment... this whole process of ppl not responding to texts/calls of invites to do stuff. happened to me a lot, that now if i get a single response from someone saying they're too busy to do stuff i just stop texting/communicating with them forever.

it sux:crying:

 

[Pacific_Loner]

No, they're really not shy at all, they're actually quite outgoing. In fact, I kinda feel like that's part of the reason they're not in a big hurry to spend time with me, is that they have an easy enough time making friends that they have plenty of other people to spend time with. Their dance card is always full, so to speak.

That's kind of what I was trying to formulate. Not everyone is looking for friends, most of the time, people who are settled (job, boyfriend/girlfriend, family) already have their routine and don't need to add anything to it.

Sometimes it seems to me that people who doesn't have many friends (so are looking for friends) put too much importance in some relationships that are not all that meaningful or important to the other person in the equation. If someone is nice to you at work but doesn't want to spend time with you outside of work, especially if all that you're suggesting are vague activities that they can do with anyone else like having a beer or going to X exposition, it doesn't mean they are being hypocrite, it just mean they have enough friends and they'd rather use their time for people who are already in their lives.

If you want to make friends, a good way to do it is to get into a not so common activity for which people are frequently looking for a partner.

 

[Steelsoul]

My situation is different from yours. I have only one friend who are close to me, and he's always the one who contract me first because of my anxiety of making phone call or trying to contract someone. I sometimes feel worried because i thought he might had the same feeling as yours. He is my only close fiend and i don't want to lose him. But i think he understand me better than anyone else. I go with him whenever he calls me. So we get along very well.
About your problem, u should keep in touch with them, if they are too busy to hang out with you, find other friends.

 

[Barrier]

I have been going through the same thing all my life. I've now given up on the idea of making friends. If one comes along and makes an effort to want to talk to me or hang out with me ill reciprocate. Otherwise it was always me that had to organise something or go pick them up etc. Not doing that anymore! I think the biggest problem is me though. I think I give off a vibe that I'm not interested at all in having friends when in fact I'm lonely. I would like to change that about me. Sorry I didn't give advice but I'm sure it makes you feel better knowing most of us go through the same thing

This.

And not just the vibe, I also think I somehow have a knack for choosing people who most likely won't initiate something. Not on purpose, but it always happens.