S_Spartan
Well-known member
This site doesn't seem to have cliques, unless they are all happening in the background....hmmmm:thinking:
What makes someone popular, online?
- Thread starter Bronson99
- Start date
This site doesn't seem to have cliques, unless they are all happening in the background....hmmmm:thinking:
Bronson99
Well-known member
We're social creatures - we come here for support AND social interaction we do not receive "out there". Just because we're awkward in person and socially impoverished doesn't negate even here on a forum for Social Phobia's or Asperger's or whatever from there being "popular" members and/or cliques. It's NATURAL. It's gonna happen ANYWHERE there's any allowance for socialization or interaction. How that clique or "popular members" interact or are PERCEIVED to is another.
It almost makes more sense for places like this. We YERN to be heard and felt. Accepted. Online is a place we can more thrive there.
I used to be a "popular member" on these forums. I always tried to be myself, a self I couldn't be in-person. I never tried to be popular. I always attempted to be open and inviting and affable towards anyone and tried to help ppl. I probably was too open it became overwhelming. But there's natural developments with certain members (female AND male) you gravitate towards or gravitate towards you, thus the clique may form intentionally or unintentional. IT'S NATURAL for social GROUPS to form groups. No one should feel bad or ashamed to be in one or see one.
It's both imposed by how you act and interact and how anyone else perceives anything. If you are biased towards such things in RL you will be online and seeing someone "popular" seems like a negative thing and you may be bitter or feel worse. People who become friends here or anywhere great - just realize this is a place all should feel welcome and "cliques" should be open - also, if perceived as popular, maybe you represent these places wanted or not people will look up or down on you.
I won't lie it felt good, but also I left when I realized it was becoming unhealthy for me, it switched from just me being myself and wanting to help and be friendly to making it like work and competition, I often felt If I'd be forgotten and etc. if I didn't post, or be whatever. THAT - is not what should happen in a place like this
There are ppl who can take that "popularity" and be *******s. I've found most ppl on these forums aren't that.
My point is - it's both in the eye of the beholder AND yes, how they carry themselves/interact etc. Idk I rant.
Whether it is natural or not, I am *always* left out in the cold, left out of cliques, forgotten about, skipped over, never receive unsolicited messages.
I even just attempted to explain why I have difficulty with this--explaining how I have no "theory of mind"--but apparently no one bothered to read it, or offer any suggestion on how to overcome this roadblock.
So you said you were once "popular"... instead of talking around the issue, why don't you just tell me how to do what you did?
What no one understands here with me is that this is an issue of extreme urgency, almost life or death. It's okay to still be socially slow through your early-to-mid 20s and not know what things increase or decrease likability... but time doesn't stop and improvement needs to happen at some point.
For those who are witty: is it a learned or innate skill?
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Bronson99
Well-known member
There was one before, but thankfully, that one is not here anymore.
Bronson99
Well-known member
I'm sorry but this is more about popularity than you suspect, IMHO.
But you can go ahead and discredit my opinion, seeing as it comes from someone who's always a "third wheel" in any and all settings.
On the other hand, if I was popular: sure I'd say I only like to help, and expect nothing back :thumbup:
You know what, I'll just stop this right now.
Bronson99
Well-known member
What if that "self" is not quick and witty, does not have an instinct to be a "people pleaser," and a lack of life experience prevents the possibility of providing others with genuine help and assistance?
Is that going to work?
So, um, yeah I'll just keep on being myself.. that'll just take me to the yellow brick road, and all :bigsmile:
BTW I'm aware at this point I might be coming across as a snide j-erk; all I can do is apologize and claim I had to vent.
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S_Spartan
Well-known member
The man makes a good point. Are people with darker personalities supposed to stay in the shadows?
Why do we always have to fit in some narrow paradigm? Who decided this paradigm?
But then there are people like my father who has a dark personality and a sarcastic sense of humor and people love him. They always have.
He can be rude and people still love him. They never get mad.
Deus_Ex_Lemur
Well-known member
Popularity is fleeting. It shouldn't be your "goal". I basically DID say how I was popular - being active, posting a lot, being friendly towards everyone (obviously cant reply to every single person), trying to "help" anyone I thought I could, it became overwhelming - BUT - yes, my personality online was affable and quirky and idk about witty, I guess maybe, definitely I was always light and humorous. Which IS the real me.
So is witty learned or innate? Both. Puns and word play come quick to me that's all. I've begrudgingly accepted my humor is physical or just silly/weird/puns. I cant tell jokes, not quick in the moment, not a good story teller.
LOOK - I'm sorry you feel overlooked, etc. Truth is it's self-perception too - most ppl aren't PM'd tbh - unless specific things transpire. It doesn't mean you're personally avoided that's in your head. Cliques - are also semi-imagined tbh - yes ppl gravitate towards others, some groups may form, but - seeing someone or 2 ppl reply to eachother or on profile doesn't mean there's a big clique. Not saying that's what you mean. I am sure you saw cliques here there were when I was active, bold ones that I helped end even, because this isn't the place for such cliques, not saying groups of friends shouldnt form and interact but MUST BE OPEN to everyone. Or take it somewhere else.
Your sense of urgency I GET DUDE trust me I am 29. I am socially slow. I felt that well in my mid 20s when I was here a lot and that urgency maybe propelled me to be so active here seeking socialization and friendship which I did receive here. Folks not active here anymore I still text sometimes/email with. BUT - it became unhealthy when my social self-worth was TIED to now just this place but FB groups/etc.
ONE THING IVE LEARNED - take it however anyone wants - NOW however old, is NOW. Meaning - urgency is always there. Time passes. I'm almost 30 and no where near where I'd love to be but I've made tons of progress. Many setbacks. And specifically you Bronson with this thread is seeking out to be, good steps. Because yes improvement must happen but only WE can make it happen. Cliche but true.
I guess my point is - YOU have to ultimately be the activater you CANNOT wait for ppl to go to you that's the hard lesson I've learned. Online AND esp RL. It's work. Idk. Trust me I can be the most avoidant person when I want, disappear and have like I did these forums for a long time. Popularity is fleeting, it didn't follow me anywhere, ultimately did nothing for me long-term. BUT making the few friends I did (separate from being so-called popular) was. You need not be anything for that to happen, but it goes both ways. And I still honestly seek many of your questions in RL. Anyways, ranting again
Prob not helping you at all. Apologies if I make no sense, these days I seem to not be 
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
Be yourself and be genuine. Popularity isn't that great. It's like you have to juggle all these things to keep people liking you and a lot of times people wear a mask to maintain their status, which in the end hurts them and is disingenuous.
If you have a sense of humor then use it. Getting people to laugh and smile is the biggest gift you can give anyone.
If you can't do that then be kind and understanding and a good listener. Those qualities will always win you friends anywhere you go.
If you have a sense of humor then use it. Getting people to laugh and smile is the biggest gift you can give anyone.
If you can't do that then be kind and understanding and a good listener. Those qualities will always win you friends anywhere you go.
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Deus_Ex_Lemur
Well-known member
Basically what I'm trying to say
Now being YOURSELF is so general albeit right - but - figuring who you are is something we all struggle with and accepting that. Only YOU can know. Sometimes accepting a trait you struggle against or hate you gotta accept in order to change or be content. TBH we all wear masks, everywhere we put on different masks to meet different situations - that doesn't necessarily mean you become disingenuous. Often sure yes. However We have family masks, friend masks, online masks, school, sports, church, etc. I guarantee it's like Sasquatch if anyone claims they act 100% the same in ALL situations with ALL people.
What's important is that they are fitted masks. Meaning, you figure your core values, and beliefs, and the masks mold around that. Because such things are the center of your soul and being. No matter what you wear your genuine face will show through. Sometimes in other ways/situations more than others a mask fits better
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
I don't know if I will sound out of topic but what are you (OP) looking for, in forums, I mean, you say that you are not specially empathic and you don't care too much about helping others (not saying this as an insult: I have periods like this myself sometimes), you say you don't like group dynamics... So my guess is you would be looking for some friends to talk to individually?
If so, what are you looking for exactly in an online friend? Because the thing is, to maintain an online friendship, I think, you have to care, because that's pretty much all there is. Unless you're having lonnnnnggg political conversations or something.
Sorry if you already answered that, I read most posts but not all of it
If so, what are you looking for exactly in an online friend? Because the thing is, to maintain an online friendship, I think, you have to care, because that's pretty much all there is. Unless you're having lonnnnnggg political conversations or something.
Sorry if you already answered that, I read most posts but not all of it
Bronson99
Well-known member
I don't know if I will sound out of topic but what are you (OP) looking for, in forums, I mean, you say that you are not specially empathic and you don't care too much about helping others (not saying this as an insult: I have periods like this myself sometimes), you say you don't like group dynamics... So my guess is you would be looking for some friends to talk to individually?
If so, what are you looking for exactly in an online friend? Because the thing is, to maintain an online friendship, I think, you have to care, because that's pretty much all there is. Unless you're having lonnnnnggg political conversations or something.
Sorry if you already answered that, I read most posts but not all of it
Individual friends can be nice.
But really what I'm searching for is a bit more "respect" or appreciation, the kind of thing which seems to belong exclusively to those who are quick-witted and know what's going on around them.
Being indifferent and aloof (my "natural way") and staying out of the way is all well and good, but eventually when you figure out no one else gives a cr*p, obviously you're going to look around and wonder what others are doing right vs. what you're doing wrong.
Bronson99
Well-known member
These are not simple qualities anyone can just "fall back" on, if nothing else works.
Bronson99
Well-known member
Pretty close to what I'm saying, but it's not a simple case of having a "dark personality" (as you point out with your example, some people can still be liked even so because of charisma/social skill). The question is what to do when you have an unorthodox personality and lack wits, social skills, etc.
It's more a problem of figuring out ways to get around deficiencies, than changing the personality (which doesn't seem to be the right path, if it's even possible.)
theoutsider
Well-known member
I like people who are genuine. That person doesn't necessarily have to be quick and witty or a people pleaser. If that person's life experiences and outlook on life is interesting, he/she doesn't need to go out of their way to be something they are not. Those are the most interesting people, not someone who tries to be a stand up comedian or an online Einstein.
theoutsider
Well-known member
That's the point I was also trying to make (except for the getting people to smile and laugh part). Fakers always reveal themselves sooner or later. Genuine people who are willing to share themselves and also listen are the best people to be around, both online and in person.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I am confused then...are you saying you cannot be kind? As in examples of things to say like "I am sorry you feel bad." "I sure hope your mom gets better" or any number of millions of combos of things to say to someone in a conversation, in which you listen to them and hear them tell you about their life.
I find that is the easiest way to get someone to enjoy your company- listen and be even better be empathetic. This is pretty easy to do online.
Bronson,are you perhaps autistic to some degree?
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
Well that was kind of the point I was trying to make. There is no harm in being indifferent and aloof, but when you look like you don't give a crap, you can't expect people to give a crap about you in return.
That is, I guess, why it appears that you would have to modify your personality in order to gain what you want, mostly by showing respect and appreciation to others and by posting more and investing yourself in the discussions. But then you say:
So I think there is really a choice that you need to make: Do I want to try and modify a little bit my personality in order to gain respect and appreciation or do I want to stay true to myself even if it means no one will care much about me since I don't seem to care back.
AlienGeranium
Well-known member
1000% this
SoScared
Well-known member
Was it a clique? I don’t think so. Just a time when lot’s of people posted and seemed to quite enjoy each others company. Happy days.