What makes someone popular, online?

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I appreciate your continued responses but honestly don't know what to say to them. There's an example of what I'm talking about.. btw. What am I supposed to say besides "thanks"? Writing is very, very draining at times for me and I don't have the mental energy to write anything more than a few sentences most of the time. And this goes even without being a busy bee.

I've got SA, I don't know how to interact with people, and I don't have the energy to even type an adequate response when I have more than enough time to do so. Guess I'll just have to rely on real-life popularity, then! :applause:

I need you to pay me now, thanks. :sarcastic:

Seriously, not looking for anything - thanks suffices Clearly writing isn't draining for me. I did see the example I was trying to keep it tied to what I was quoting, but I blathered off and yeah I missed a reply I think earlier so I'm guilty of not listening I guess. But my point also was I share apathy and energy in writing or talking in RL - it's so draining. But to progress have to force self through that.

"Fall back" not as in some sort of sense, "I'm not naturally kind but since other avenues to popularity don't work, I'll just be kind instead".. is that what you saw in my post? I meant "fall back" as in forgetting wits and clever discussion, and instead concentrating on listening to others, empathizing, and such. And I said it's not simple because it isn't, for me. I've found there is a certain kind of timing that needs to be used in most social situations... a certain kind of "proper response" vs. "awkward" or "incorrect" response. Now beyond that, the person being listened to seems to be looking for you to give them advice... so, in essence, one of these "I'm sorry to hear about the problem your family member is having" does not show much besides basic politeness to the other party. It seems they want something more, and it's that something more--whatever it is--that I don't know how to give.

Again, this comes down to "theory of mind" or if no one bothers to look it up, this particular difficulty I have seems to be linked with the autistic spectrum. If anyone cares, this is a deficiency that literally causes one--myself, in this instance--to not be aware of the similarity of other minds. In other words, your mind is not like my mind; my mind is not like yours. It's impaired thinking. Why? Because, as we all know, all humans like the same things, want the same things. But I can't seem to assimilate that information into social situations, online or offline; if I could, then I would have the kind of SA most of you have, that I'll call "functional SA."

Honestly, humans do NOT like the same things or want I get what you mean in a general sense, but humans are hard enough to understand without any autism.

What you said "functioning SA" depends on what you think functioning SA means - if it's not having any other deficit or mental impairment or disorder - then many of us would not say we're functioning well with SA. We all are impaired from it in one way or another - imo SA is too broad, honestly severe shyness can be mistaken for it, etc. I'd say SA means you DO have more issues than simply just "SA" - as many with it also have other disorders/issues. Being autistic on any level I get what you mean, you don't assimilate and infer or empathize with others or in social situations in the "same" way even those with SA do or can.

But still, simple lack of experience and how SA skews self perceptions and thus perceptions of others can do that too. How many times do you see ppl post here "they hate me, think Im stupid, stuck up, probably think this or that etc." when they actually have no tangible evidence to support any of that other than perceived look or whatever it's all impaired thinking and perceptions due to SA on themselves. They may fall into your first category.

I've been diagnosed vey low Aspergers then undiagnosed. I certainly don't struggle with empathy like you do - but I certainly won't pretend I function with SA in the ways you listed, even if I can "read" people better and empathize well with ppl's problems - when it comes to how I think ppl perceive moi, I still am highly influenced by my lack of social experience and negative self-talk and self-image that skews how I perceive other people because so often I feel it's "all about me" in how I think ppl respond to me personally.

IMO you actually do understand more than you think, I mean - maybe it's forced, or you still don't really get it naturally like being kind or humor - but you certainly aren't unkind, even if you don't get it - but you clearly aren't calling ppl names, putting ppl down or arguing, disagreeing is not arguing that's someone else's perceptions. Same with ppl thinking negativity tbh not adding consoling words or emotes --- whatever that's not negative. Esp when it comes to TEXT ONLY interaction you can add emotes, add words like *hugs* and not mean it - but ppl will perceive comments how they will. You're very calm imo - you are trying to understand so you get more than you may know. All you need are some basics, like - you know right from wrong, etc. I think

I mean keep doing what you're doing in all honesty - I do - as said ppl prob don't read or get half the stuff I write or way I write it but I still do it - so maybe force energy a few times more if you do have a reply to something or TRY humor. You did with me above, "I'll have to rely on my RL popularity then" there you go, you're a movie star already :applause:

 

[BlueDays]

"Fall back" not as in some sort of sense, "I'm not naturally kind but since other avenues to popularity don't work, I'll just be kind instead".. is that what you saw in my post? I meant "fall back" as in forgetting wits and clever discussion, and instead concentrating on listening to others, empathizing, and such. And I said it's not simple because it isn't, for me. I've found there is a certain kind of timing that needs to be used in most social situations... a certain kind of "proper response" vs. "awkward" or "incorrect" response. Now beyond that, the person being listened to seems to be looking for you to give them advice... so, in essence, one of these "I'm sorry to hear about the problem your family member is having" does not show much besides basic politeness to the other party. It seems they want something more, and it's that something more--whatever it is--that I don't know how to give.

Again, this comes down to "theory of mind" or if no one bothers to look it up, this particular difficulty I have seems to be linked with the autistic spectrum. If anyone cares, this is a deficiency that literally causes one--myself, in this instance--to not be aware of the similarity of other minds. In other words, your mind is not like my mind; my mind is not like yours. It's impaired thinking. Why? Because, as we all know, all humans like the same things, want the same things. But I can't seem to assimilate that information into social situations, online or offline; if I could, then I would have the kind of SA most of you have, that I'll call "functional SA." :thumbup:

^ Ah ok. I understand what you mean now. Thank you for clarifying it, I understand some of your other posts in here now from what you explained there.

As MollyBeGood asked already, have you tried seeing a professional who specializes in helping people with problems from having some autistic traits?

 

[Bronson99]

Have you tried speaking with someone experienced in helping people with autistic related social disorders?
It seems like that would help you and you seem like you are really needing some guidance from someone like that.
They may make you do exercises to help that part of your brain preform better. That would be a place to start.

Thanks for following this thread, Molly, btw. I thought I'd lost you at some point, or said something impolite.

I've considered doing this very same thing before. I told my last therapist, years ago, my symptoms but I don't think he acknowledged it. He did see my ADD, though.. which makes sense. It overlaps with Asperger's in many ways; both ADD and Asperger's are developmental disorders and can impair social skills in similar ways.

I'm kinda.. betwixt and between with everything, you know? I seem to make everyone scratch their head.. The GAD/SA is real, the ADD is real.. possibly it doesn't really make much sense to diagnose anything else. I've even wondered if treating the ADD with medication I can tolerate might improve social functioning, but that's a discussion for another forum, haha

 

[Bronson99]

Honestly, humans do NOT like the same things or want I get what you mean in a general sense, but humans are hard enough to understand without any autism.

Theory of mind seems to explain pretty well what I'm missing. But if not, there's other simpler ways to explain the gap I have. When you see someone wearing the trendiest clothes, the coolest sunglasses, got their iPhone tied around their upper-arm listening to music, has a perfectly confident posture or even a "swagger,".. whatever it is that causes them to behave this way.. that's what I'm missing. Another way is to call it a desire/drive to gel within a social group: this is completely absent and missing with me. I think I'm just an individual (which is true, of course, but you know what I mean.) I can imagine if you went up to some of these mainstream "sheep" (might be mean, but okay, I'm not nice all the time) and asked them to describe their identity, I can imagine they might say "I'm part of a group; after that, I'm an individual." Now this is all very generalized and imperfect, but I need to find ways to explain, y'know?

Being autistic on any level I get what you mean, you don't assimilate and infer or empathize with others or in social situations in the "same" way even those with SA do or can.

Yep, pretty much what I'm saying exactly. Also, it kinda bothers me when I see forums like this, for folks with social difficulties, it always seems as if there's a few who CAN do this "group think" or "group inference" thing.. and they exploit the hell out of it. I don't mean to say they don't belong there.. but a disorder can be "mild." So some of these people I'm talking about may have a lesser degree, and not realize how they make others feel inferior or still left-out in a place that would otherwise be a good fit. Okay, I'm not so nice, now...

But still, simple lack of experience and how SA skews self perceptions and thus perceptions of others can do that too. How many times do you see ppl post here "they hate me, think Im stupid, stuck up, probably think this or that etc." when they actually have no tangible evidence to support any of that other than perceived look or whatever it's all impaired thinking and perceptions due to SA on themselves. They may fall into your first category.

I'll give you that... a lot of the social problems I have could be explained by lack of experience. But I don't think all of it. Also consider I've been online for many years now, interacting with strangers online very often, even making occasional friends.. and yet I still don't have much more insight on what "proper, positive interaction" is supposed to be, than I did many years ago. That's just NOT a normal trajectory, which logically suggests the idea that I have some kind of baseline problem understanding social situations, and it affects things offline AND online. I've seen a lot of people who say they're agoraphobic for years and yet they understand how to interact just fine. So.. like I said earlier.. it points to something beyond simple social anxiety.