what does it do to your SA after a break up?
- Thread starter exquisite
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sevenroses
Well-known member
Well any type of stress would make social phobia worst. You'd just be sad and quiet. In my opinion. But then again when you worry about other things you tend to not care about what other people think and open up a bit.
Silvox Black
Well-known member
It will encourage behaviors that draw you away from social contact and will make you a bit like a recluse. You may relapse into negative thinking patterns and have bouts of depression. In general, you'll feel like a miserable wretch.
If I may be so bold as to inquire how this all came about?
If I may be so bold as to inquire how this all came about?
which part? the sa? or the break up?
Silvox Black
Well-known member
I was inquiring to the break up, but if you wish to speak of your social anxiety as well, I would not mind.
Well, my guy has paranoid schizophrenia...I've been with this guy for 8 months now & the entire time, I knew about his PSz, but I accepted him just the way he was. I'd bring him lunches to work, I'd cuddle up with him at night, basically, what he wanted, he got. [I like to take care of my men]. Recently, we got into a huge fight & he started saying all this stuff to me, like I never cared, I never showed him I loved him, I never showed him any affection, I'm trying to change him, I've never accepted who he is, that maybe he's like an experiment of mine, someone I want to "make over". His reason for me trying to change him? Me asking him to say ‘bless you’ to me after I sneeze, or liking his facial hair when he didn’t, or not wanting to cuddle with him at night WHEN I WAS ASLEEP. Then, he, out of nowhere, after hours of asking me, "Tell me what can do to fix this, tell me what to do", just said "I don't care, I don't care", got into his car & just left. When I called him half an hour after, I could hear he was crying [which is HUGE for him, since he has shed a tear in 5 years, not even at his favorite grandpa's funeral]. He said no, no, stop, don't call, it's over. Then I called him an hour later, he was completely different. There was no emotion in his voice whatsoever, he spoke in a monotone, cruel voice, & kept saying "stop, don't call, don't come here, just stop, I already blocked you out." And I keep texting him, asking him why, telling him that this can't be the end, because I know he loves me. He would do sweet little things that a person who doesn’t love someone wouldn’t do. I always told him he was an amazing boyfriend, I always told him I loved him, but he said I never did, it was always followed by a "too". He was the one that always told me he wanted to spend time with me, to be with me, up until the very last moments. We’ve been broken up for a week already…but I can't let him go. He says, he doesn’t see us together anymore, but he doesn’t want to explain anything yet. He says we both need time to find rationality, to come to terms with the fact that we’re not together & we can't be. I say, so you never cared! And he gets mad at me for saying that. & I feel like this is all my fault!
Quiet Angel
Well-known member
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me last week.
It hasn't really done anything to my social phobia at all.
The only thing... is the fear of never getting married.
It hasn't really done anything to my social phobia at all.
The only thing... is the fear of never getting married.
Silvox Black
Well-known member
Mmmm...I see, well, I'm afraid that you are experiencing the wrath of his paranoia and schizophrenia speaking. That is why he kept claiming you never loved or cared for him and that you were attempting to "change" him from such small actions. I would advise continuing to try and talk to him. The part of him that loves you is still there somewhere, it must be drawn out however. His paranoid schizophrenia will require treatment in order for your relationship to be successful. Perhaps a psychiatrist and a therapist. I honestly am not quite sure what to recommend. As for drawing out his loving side, well you know him far better than I yes? Try and unlock his heart once more and erase his fears and paranoia with your reassurances.
My apologies if my advice is less than sufficient. My experience with paranoid schizophrenics and relationships is weaker than I would prefer.
I just dont know if i can bring him back anymore. he kept on saying hes not happy, that he hasnt been happy. that sometimes he so miserable being with me. its such a long and complicated story. basically, our mutual friends just turned on me one day last year. & when they found out back in january that we were together, 1 chick who despises me [for wtvr reason, IDK!], basically turned everyone against him. she told him if hes with me, she wont be friends with him.& basically, everyone started to ignore him. i never wanted to be around those ppl [for obvious reasons], but i guess he did. & he told me he got tired of constantly having to ask "whos coming? whos all gonna be there?", he says he became pessimistic. he became paranoid. for the first time, i guess, in years.
funny, just yesterday i went over to his house to pick something up. i assumed he'd just give me what i came for & just make me leave, but i had to try, so i asked him if i could just talk to him. in fact, i asked him multiple times in the 5hrs we talked if i was bothering him, if he wanted me to leave. he kept saying, no, no, stay. then he told me he's slept about 8 hrs in the last 72, that for this week and a half, he keeps drinking..usually by himself. just gets drunk. he told me hes so depressed now.that hes more miserable after the break up than he thought he would be. he started calling himself a douchebag, a dick, a piece of sh*t. he said maybe he'll just be a bachelor for the rest of his life, because its so much simpler than that. but i know hes not any of those things. i told him he was amazing person. with a great heart. & that he came so far already. but he kept asking "why dont you hate me? how can you still say this stuff to me after what i did to you?" it was all i could do not to hug him. to kiss him. to make it all go away. and after a couple of minutes, i finally gave in. but you know what was the strangest thing? he kept turning his face towards mine. he would put his arms around me & hug me until i thought i was going to suffocate [but i wouldnt dare move, just to save the moment, just to make sure i dont scare him off]. he was saying the entire time, i cant, i cant, im just going to keep hurting you over & over again. he would say no, stop, dont touch me, dont kiss me, i cant control it, i want to kiss you, but i cant. yet then he would.
i asked him what he felt, he told me he felt like kissing me, his heart told him to kiss me, to hold me, but his mind kept saying no, no. and half the time he listened to his mind. he would push me away, put his head in his hands & just sit there, but slowly, he would lean towards me, even just to put his head on my lap. i asked him what he felt in his heart. he told me it doesnt matter, because all his heart does is hurt people. thats why he has to only listen to his mind. but i know he loves me. i can see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at me, in the way he speaks. and yesterday just confirmed it, even though, even for a second, he never said he loves me. he told me he doesnt wanna give me any hope, because he just doesnt see us together anymore. but i feel he does. i just think he keeps pushing me out of his head. i just dont know if i can convince him anymore. he obviously still cares. & still loves me. i just dont know if he will ever let his heart win.
he asked me why i wasnt mad. why i kept kissing him when i knew he would just hurt me over & over [according to himself]. & i told him, that i simply didnt care anymore. the pain of him hurting me could never mask the pain of not being near him, of kissing him, of holding him, of touching him, of making all of his pain go away, even of smelling his scent [as strange as that sounds].
& i wish i could get him back to his therapist. even if we're not together. because it hurts me to see him like this. i would like him even to get back on his pills [he used to take seraquel]...but how? although, i gotta admit, on some sick, repulsing level, i was happy to see him looking so terrible, eyes sucken in, red eyes, messed up hair. it made me feel like im not the only one whos hurting.
i just dont know if i cant bring him back again. simply because i think he has put in this image of me in his head, that we will never work, that he doesnt love me. why? ALL BECAUSE OF ME. i was so dumb the night we broke up. i kept giving him all these reasons we dont work. why? i was just mad. i just want to yell. it didnt mean anything, i didnt mean it! but he took them to heart. & i even asked him & hes like "yeah, you did give me all those reasons. & you gave them to yourself too." but i didnt. they were the stupidest reasons. but i convinced him that i saw something he didnt. & now,im just suffering from my stupidity. funny thing is, i feel like because of me,he sees reasons that arent there. that he now worries that if he gives in, its just fake feelings. he told me, "you need to stop kissing me, touching me. what do you expect me to do?! im a guy,of course i cant resist you, of course im gonna think with my heart when you do that, im a guy!" but im like "guys dont think with their heart. they think with other places..." but in his heart he feels it, i know he does. i see it, i feel it, i even taste it!...but idk if i can keep trying anymore. it seems like themore i try, the more i text him, the more i try to get close to him, he pushes me farther away. thats how he was yesterday. he would turn his face towards mine, start kissing, then say no no!, push me off,all while still holding on to me, then pull me back in again & hug the life out of me. it wasnt even a hug. it was an embrace in the exact meaning of the word. so sweet & emotional & so full of feeling... i just dont know if he'll trust those feelings again... he even told me, we cant be together, because then youre always gonna be wondering when im going to hurt you again, & you might even want to hurt me because youre afraid im going to hurt you...*sigh*
but i miss him & need him so much. ='[
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SilverFire
Well-known member
Breakups usually leave me with a great sense of relief, but they really don't affect my SA one way or the other. Then again, I'm usually the one doing the breaking up, too.
When I broke up with my last girlfriend, my social phobia was growing and despite the break up hurting, I was relieved somewhat because I knew I wouldn't be pestering her with my difficulties no longer.
seafolly
Well-known member
This is tough, when a disorder gets in the way of a relationship. In the end I think it's wise of you to let him take care of himself for a while. You can always go back, but in the end he does need professional help and we're just not equipped to help in the way doctors can. If the love is there there's always hope. 
But for now I think it's the right thing (keeping in mind i feel oh so uncomfortable commenting on other's relationships!) until he can get just a little better.
But for now I think it's the right thing (keeping in mind i feel oh so uncomfortable commenting on other's relationships!) until he can get just a little better.
mrb
Well-known member
when me and my wife split up it didnt do me any favours i must admit , there were 3 kids involved , prob one of the hardest things iv ever had to deal with in my life , but looking back i know it was for the best now , you know when your banging your head agaisnt a brick wall and its time to let go , no point in trying hard with someone if its one sided .... sa wise yea made it worse but im older and wiser now , guess you learn from your mistakes .....
seafolly
Well-known member
*hugs* I'd imagine it's even harder not being able to fall back on something like him cheating or something very black and white "wrong." I really hope he gets some help so that he might find his way back to you. In the meantime try and keep your chin up. Stay busy! I know all you want to do is crawl under the bed and cry but let people take care of you.
Hey, sorry to hear about your breakup exquisite. The best thing I can say to you, though, is to give him that space. You're talking a lot about what he feels and how he is taking everything, but hardly about what YOU honestly and truly feel is the right thing for you guys' relationship. Heartache defines everyone, it either makes you stronger or makes you weaker. I know what you must be feeling, because I broke up with my girlfriend about three or four weeks ago, and yes, it really did suck. I cried a bit myself. I had a feeling we weren't good for each other, and we were kind of being dependent on each other instead of coexisting, if you get me. I used that pain, though, to put myself in check, and I let her do her thing. It took everything I had in the world to not call her back up after the few times I harassed her soul after the break up. It hurts but it really only makes you that much stronger. My take on it would be to give the guy that space, and if you have a little feeling in your heart that says you want to work on some things for yourself and breathe a little, then by all means GO FOR IT. Just hang in there for yourself and everything will be fine in time.