I just found this journal entry from Thanksgiving two years ago. I'm so, so extremely grateful for everything I have in my life right now. I just can't express it enough.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I guess it’s that time of year again. I didn’t see it coming this time. I thought I would be just fine, but here I am, it’s Thanksgiving Eve, I have nowhere to be and no one to be with, and I feel incapable of doing anything but sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. Since when did holidays become so hard for me? I remember last year being depressing as hell, but I thought it was because of things that were going on in my life at the time (i.e., getting dumped by what I thought was the man of my dreams). But here I am, and it has just hit me. I have nothing to do on Thanksgiving Day. I have absolutely nowhere to be, and I’m going to work because I can’t stand the thought that if I don’t then I will not interact in person with a single soul on Thanksgiving. It’s so f---ing pathetic, and that just makes me feel worse. I even texted Scott, who is home alone, miles away from his family, and even he had pretty much nothing to offer me, except to say “well, it sucks working on Thanksgiving.” Yes, thank you, I know that very well, but it beats sitting around at home alone, depressed out of my mind. It’s been a long time since I felt like I belonged with someone on the holidays. What’s worst, I think, is that I’m actually looking forward to Grandpa’s wake on Friday evening, hoping it gets here soon so that I can actually interact with people. It’s a f---ing funeral, for God’s sake!
I’m having such a hard time with this. I’ve been fighting the feelings, but just started crying maybe an hour ago and haven’t stopped since. I can’t study. I can hardly sit here and type because it’s so hard to focus on what I am trying to say. Typing it out just makes me feel more pathetic, and more ungrateful for everything. I get to see my family on Saturday. I get to have a turkey dinner in a warm house with a bunch of other people. Just not today. And not tomorrow. Why is that so upsetting to me? Why do I feel like I need someone here to hold my hand and get me through this? Why do I feel like such a loser?