we cant socialize?! but we can!!

[Madix]

its time to do something about it. i understand that ppl need to vent out and thats fine. but this thread need to be on the level of getting out of this hole that we are stuck in called social axiety. cuz idk about all of you...but ive been lk this my whole life...and you know what. fck this sht!! im gonna be the first to stand up and say...we need a plan...or an idea...or a sum or ideas, of how to free ourselfs from this. do you wanna live like this the rest of your life???

i wanna hear ppls stories about overcoming fear, even if it only happened once. or how your going to overcome next time around.

there is a way my friends! ive seen it, ive felt it, and ive read dozens of post about ppl overcoming their axiety.

its obvious for me to say that all of us have similar issues...but seriously crew, we gotta stop this. cuz thats the way i feel at least. to hell with living like this forever man.

anways...i have some ideas and some things to share bout self recovery if anybody is interested.

 

[shybutsexy]

Hell Yeah!! im right with you, its time to get over this sht once and for all!

So how do you plan do it? lol

 

[madmike]

I haven't posted in a long time, but i felt inspired by what you said so i decided to log in.

It sounds like a wonderful idea. I also feel like a lot of people on this site have forgotten why they're here. Posts on success stories, on how to overcome SA or live an easier life with SA are few and far between, in comparison to posts of how miserable and depressed people are (i guess they need somewhere to vent). It would be nice if you could start a trend anyway, get people into a more positive spirit again.

Personally, i think the main thing to beat SA (or at least live with it) is confidence. If you're not confident by nature however- so anyone who is shy or has SA- i think it's possible to feign confidence by making changes in the way you think (adopt a more positive outlook on life, visualize yourself in social situations having relaxed conversations with people, practice possible conversation topics, basically believe that you are a confident person). With time, practice and consistency you might eventually fool others into thinking you're confidents and maybe even fool yourself- in which case you will have beaten SA.

I think the mental aspect of it is the main part, but obviously there are many other things which will help you gain confidence like staying active through sport, etc, eating right, and making sure you fit a lot of social activities around your daily routine (it doesn't have to be complicated, working might be enough if it guarantees social contact, university, a few clubs or societies, volunteering, phoning someone every now and again and even using the internet)

My main problem is with slipping back into old habits. Sometimes i think these strategies have worked so well for a while that i believed i was over it, and then i'd start withdrawing into myself again... it's kinda sad to think, but i guess the truth is you have to be consistent with it...

 

[pinkputter]

I've been a work in progress for a while and so I'm so glad to see a positive post on here (doesn't happen very often) about being productive. That is so important. You aren't going to improve by just sitting on your butt on your computer all day. Get out. If you don't like the way your life is change your attitude. Do something about it.

ANd I am mainly talking to myself. Because like I said I have been working on this for a while and feel like I've come a long way. But my social life needs major work. So it's a goal of mine to make a lot of new friends. And you aren't going to accomplish that without taking some chances. That's part of life.

Is anyone here GOOD at making friends? Bec. I'd love to hear how. Also Madix please do share about your ideas to recovery

 

[GoBlue72]

Great idea, Madix. Thanks for posting. It is nice to see constructivity here, though I know it can be cathartic to unload what we've been through. I've learned that can help temporarily to relieve feelings, but there does come a time when you need to make changes or address your problems proactively. For some people, it will be easier than others, I'm sure. I think it all depends on the level of anxiety and your level of confidence. Not everything works for everyone, so that's why it can be great to brainstorm.

I felt great when I was able to confront agoraphobia/panic/social anxiety issues I was having when I was in college. It kept me from dropping out of classes, and eventually I graduated, went on to graduate school, and became a clinical social worker. I made it through various interviews, tests, and even one on one meetings with my clients. I did find some medications that were very helpful, and took part in a CBT group early on. That was the plus side. The downside is that in the 20 years since my first diagnosis, my social life has remained fairly stagnant. Although I'm able to go out in public and speak with people much easier, I still find it overwhelming to go on dates and/or strike up conversations with females I find attractive. I'm sure most of these issues stem from a history of low self-esteem, so I'm trying to address that more lately. It's a battle that may bring you periods of success, struggle, or quick changes in each direction. I often become hopeful about something, only to feel very negative about myself soon afterwards, even if I have not done anything to let myself down.

With all the help I received from psychiatrists, and therapists, I find this forum to offer much needed support, experiences, and suggestions I may not have considered.

I guess "hang in there" would be a good way to end this.

 

[spaceboy135]

Is anyone here GOOD at making friends? Bec. I'd love to hear how. Also Madix please do share about your ideas to recovery

I'm good at it! Here's how you do it:

People like being sought after. Wouldn't you like it if someone persistently spoke to you specifically each time they saw you in class? That would show that they cared about you, and that they are interested in YOU as a person. Out of all the people in the classroom, they picked out YOU. What an honor!

WE are not the only ones who feel this way; everybody does.

So basically, you treat people the way you want to be treated... And you keep at it. One person at a time. Usually when you work on a specific person, you glow more to the people around that person as well-- you come off as friendlier and nicer, and easier to talk to. So naturally others will find it more comfortable to talk to you than to the stiff people around them.

This way you will make acquaintances, but as for the person you're interested in, you make a friend. Then when you feel comfortable enough with that person, ask them if they wanna hang out. People like being invited out for a drink, or asked if they want to go see a movie; it makes them feel CARED about. PERIOD.

Therefore, to sum all this up, follow the golden rule. The only way you're gonna scare people off is by asking them to a movie in your very first sentence to them. Just show them that you like them and you want to get to know them, and then after a few days and if all goes well, you're all set, locked and loaded for a hang-out session.

And if you get rejected (whether as a friend or a date) by that one person, so what-- that's just one person out of nearly 7 billion. lol SEVEN BILLION!!!

I'm gonna try this on a cute girl I sat next to in English last time. I could barely hear a word she said due to my hearing impairment, but I'm going to keep on trying... Because she'll see eventually that my hearing impairment doesn't make me a weirdo.

In this process, do these three things:

1) Ignore every single negative thought that comes to your mind. You are not responsible for these thoughts; you're not willingly creating them. The more they are ignored (aka you living your life in spite of your negative thoughts), the weaker they become.

2) Don't react with negative emotions against your anxiety; ignore the anxious feelings and move on. This doesn't mean you have to overexert yourself in the social world; do only what mildly makes you anxious, then keep moving forward. Retreat when you absolutely have to.

3) BE YOURSELF!!! I cannot overstate this. Relax, at least in terms of how you act. My friend tells me this one guy bugged the crap out of him last semester because even though he tried to befriend him, he tried to act really cool and tough and macho around him; my friend could tell he was faking it and was just trying to get him to like him and think he was the bomb. If you're a nerd like me, let your nerdy side show and don't be ashamed or embarrassed because of it. Because chances are, if you're a nerd or smart person, you're going to enjoy the company of smarter people better than that of duller ones.

 

[GoBlue72]

Very nice, Spaceboy. Spoken more like a Spaceman. You spell it all out, either through great natural ability, great self-awareness, or absorbing what you've learned over time. Whichever it is, doesn't matter. Only thing I might change is the "being yourself advice", just because I know that doesn't always work for everyone. People tell you "being myself is what got me in this situation." So, if that is how you view it, I would focus more on being more like someone else or putting who you think you are out of your mind for a bit.

Nice!

 

[JamesSmith]

My problem isn't just that I'm afraid to go out, when I did go out and hang out with friends, I didn't like it most of the time. I usually felt anxious when I was with them and was very bored. Most conversations were between other people while I just sat there and didn't say much, or sometimes anything. It got to a point where I started hating being around people.

 

[Hastings & Main]

So... like a how-to guide on SP?

I'm up for that - I could probably add some stuff. Be nice if it was just help-hints and not much else to clutter it up, if that's the intention.

 

[Madix]

alright well if were gonna do this we gotta keep at it ya kno. cuz thats what happens when we slack, we go back into our same withered mind state. and we sit and not talk. we thats changing now.

ive gotta so much better over the past few weeks, and I stopped taking my medication, so what! lol but ive made a mental discovery. and spaceboy you are right on a lot of aspects...but its sooooo much simpler than that. its so simple u feel retarded for not realizing it. heres the trick okay.

Do things that make you a better person. challenge yourself. and dont think about saying or doing things that make people "like you" or relate to you. say whats on your mind, like tell ppl about your small accomplishments, things here or there than make your seem like a cool person ya kno. i mean ppl talk about thereselfs all the time...thats what an extroverted person does...they talk about themselves. not like their bragging or anything...look ya just gotta feel on top of yourself....give yourself a label...show ppl what kind of person you are...but cause you want to.

i feel like im rambling right now..

heres my story: over the past few months i started recording songs, taking a gift of mine that i already have...and did something with it. now i feel so proud of myself for doing something that I BELIEVE in ya kno. and ppl are seeing that.

i dont honestly care what ppl do. ill sit and listen. if i dont feel like talking...I JUST DONT FEEL LIKE TALKING.

(nobody is forcing you to talk)

but if you DO have something to say...and you wanna say it....fckin say it. because YOU WANT TO.

its your world guys...not mine...i have my own world.

dont let other ppl take ur mind hostage.
just do what u love doing...and i promise that u will never feel lk and outcast. and if your a crazy minded fool like i am likes just an outcast anyways...who cares lol.

thats all i gotta say...this whole thing was a rant for the most part...i never stopped typing!!!

be urselfs ppl. fck everyones opinion.

 

[Madix]

see all the typos lol. ya its cuz it was freehand all off the top of my head. and it came out like that because its what i BELIEVED IN ya kno? im not hesitating to tell you.

 

[madmike]

Definitely some passion in those posts Madix, i can feel it. Usually when i try to do that though the things that come out make no sense. I have to think about what i say lol.
Well i'm up for a wikipedia style self help guide to beating SA and making friends. If everyone keeps posting their own tips, maybe eventually someone can start to compile them in one...

 

[Madix]

Definitely some passion in those posts Madix, i can feel it. Usually when i try to do that though the things that come out make no sense. I have to think about what i say lol.
Well i'm up for a wikipedia style self help guide to beating SA and making friends. If everyone keeps posting their own tips, maybe eventually someone can start to compile them in one...

exactly, instead of bitchin about our lifes. lets do something to change them. and dont try so hard homie. the words will come out naturally. think with your heart...and speak with your mind.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Hey, good stuff so far.

I was going to add a "How to" on making friends but it seems to be covered - all the points I was going to make anyway. Maybe ironic since I haven't put it into practice yet.
I work in the public service sector, so that's a challenge right there, but I've slowly learned that really all you hafta do is

- look up
- a quick, non-madman smile
- say 'hey, how you doing?'
- maintain that tiny bit of eye-contact (if it's hard, look at their eyelids or somewhere close to the iris, but not far enough that you seem to be studying a cancerous mole or something) and nod, smile, answer in return
- go from there: They walk away, say 'see you later!' with a nice attitude; if they hang out for small talk, go with it.

I was going to go into "how to not get uptight/nervous about small talk and avoid the rising tension in your brain as you worry about what they'll think of you afterwards" and "how to let it flow and not spend precious seconds worrying about the words you're about to use", but it turns out that's really hard to explain, unless someone else has a grasp on it?

And it looks like I added my own things here anyway

So what's the next lesson?